If I Didn't Care (Wishing For A Hero #1)

by Kait Nolan

  “I should’ve realized you’d have the nightmare again after tonight.”

  She didn’t tell him she’d never stopped having the nightmare. It had gotten less frequent over the years, and sometimes she was able to pull herself out before getting to the end. But the only easy sleep she’d had since he’d been shot had been the year she’d spent in his arms. After she’d moved in with the Hamiltons, her night terrors had woken the entire household. Judd would comfort her, and they’d fall asleep together on the living room sofa, her hand over his heart, as it was now.

  After her heart surgery, keeping her blood pressure down had been paramount. Recovery from aortic valve replacement surgery was no easy business. Eventually, he’d just spent the night in her bed. His parents and brothers knew, but no one said anything. Nothing improper had ever happened, and eventually they’d both started to heal from that horrible day.

  Judd’s fingers massaged the tension in her nape and shoulders. “Okay?”

  “Yeah.”

  God she’d missed this. The comfort, the closeness. Having him to turn to in the night, just to touch him, to reassure herself he was alive and safe. She’d never trusted any of her handful of lovers enough to actually sleep with them.

  She had no right to sleep with Judd now. He wasn’t hers. She should kick him out and just accept the fact that she’d be staring at the ceiling until dawn. But the idea of letting go of him when the scent of his blood was still fresh in her mind had her wanting to curl in and hang on tighter.

  “Think you can sleep now?”

  No. “Probably.”

  “Okay.” He stood, her still in his arms, and strode toward the door.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Taking you to my bed. You need rest, and we’ll both sleep better this way.”

  How many times had she dreamed of him doing this? But no, not this. Not comfort after the nightmare. He wasn’t choosing her. Not how she wanted.

  She should say no. Just curl up with Boudreaux on the sofa downstairs. But she was so goddamned tired. Every inch of her felt flayed and raw, aching, and Judd was the balm. Guilt held no power over her when she was like this. So she didn’t protest. Not when he pulled back the covers and laid her in his big king-size bed. Not when he crawled in beside her, wrapping her tight in the embrace that would keep the nightmares at bay. And listening to his strong, steady heartbeat, she slid into thick, dreamless sleep.

  Chapter 7

  Wisps of smoke still curled from the wreckage of Autumn’s apartment as Judd stood with Fire Marshal Charlie Hammond. The acrid stench of smoke, burnt chemicals, and melted plastic hung in the air, a strange counterpoint to the bright blue morning.

  “Preliminary results confirm Ben’s assessment. It’s absolutely arson. On first inspection, it seems the perp splashed gasoline all over the far wall of the structure.”

  “Opposite the other side of the duplex?”

  “Yeah. Origin was definitely Miss Buchanan’s side. Burn pattern suggests it started downstairs. So he came in, did whatever he was going to do, splashed gas on the wall, and lit it from the back door.”

  Judd locked away the rage and tried to ignore his personal connection. He had an investigation to conduct, and he needed a cool head. “Why just the one wall?”

  Charlie shrugged. “A half-assed attempt to protect the other half of the duplex? Don’t know yet.”

  “Ben mentioned he thought the place had been tossed before it was lit up.”

  “Less to see at this point that would verify that, but it’s common enough. Arson is often someone’s attempt to cover up a robbery.”

  Autumn was a librarian. What did she have to steal? And why wouldn’t a perpetrator toss Riley’s place, too? Harder to get into somehow? No, this wasn’t a crime of convenience. Typical burglars didn’t travel with accelerants. Taking the time to light the place up added to the time for the overall job. The idea of a robbery just didn’t play for Judd. This kind of destruction felt personal and not just because that was the most obvious answer.

  “What about just straight up vandalism and maliciousness?”

  “Sure, sometimes. I’ll know more after I’ve been through. I’m waiting on my backup to arrive before I attempt to enter the structure.”

  “I need everything you can find. I’ve got a personal stake in putting this son of a bitch away.”

  “Soon as I know anything conclusive, you’ll be the first to know.”

  The radio on Judd’s belt squawked. He pressed the button on the handset at his shoulder. “This is Hamilton. Go ahead.”

  “Tyrell Weller is here with the suspect, Chief.”

  “Copy. I’m on my way.”

  “Got one on the hook already?” Charlie asked. Being out of Lawley, he didn’t know the history at play here.

  “The victim’s father just got out of prison yesterday.”

  Charlie whistled. “Damn. Stupid and spiteful bastard if the first thing he did was come here to torch her place.”

  “She’s the one who put him away. If stupid and spiteful will get him locked away permanently, I’ll take it. Anything you can find, Charlie,” Judd called, and climbed into his cruiser as the fire marshal gave a two-fingered salute.

  He checked the dash clock on the drive. Autumn and his mother were meeting Nanna in Lawley to shop for essentials. Despite the fact that he’d rather have splinters shoved under his nails, Eli was tagging along. Not that any of them really thought Jebediah would make a move on her in broad daylight, but there was safety in numbers. Even secure in the knowledge that Jebediah was presently in custody, Judd felt better knowing his brother was with them.

  Autumn had been annoyed with him this morning. He’d refused to leave her alone at his place until his mother could swing by. Instead, he’d hand-delivered Autumn to his parents’ house, with firm instructions that she not be left alone. He needn’t have worried. Patty had full Mama Bear mode engaged. Autumn hadn’t raised any protests about his mother’s fussing.

  Neither of them had said a word about last night—at least not the part of it spent in his bed. He’d woken first, still tangled up with her. With any of his girlfriends, he would’ve been itching to climb out of bed, get his space, get started on his day. But he didn’t move a muscle, not wanting to disturb Autumn, despite the fact that his arm and shoulder were completely numb.

  He’d never been able to actually sleep with anyone but her. Maybe because he was afraid of what might come out of his mouth. He had no idea if he still talked in his sleep, but he dreamed of Autumn enough that he didn’t want to risk it. His girlfriends had been threatened enough about Autumn. He’d never wanted to try to explain how they’d shared a bed for a year. Not one of them would’ve believed it had only been platonic.

  It hadn’t felt platonic this morning. It had felt like coming home.

  Guilt prickled at that. Less than twenty-four hours ago, he’d been with Mary Alice. And yet, in two years together, he’d never shared this intimacy with her. He’d never been content just to watch her sleep and memorize the lines of her face.

  As he pulled up to the long, low brick building that housed the Police Department, Judd locked all those thoughts away. The last thing he needed to have in his mind when going head-to-head with Jebediah Buchanan was how his daughter had looked in his bed.

  Tyrell rose from his perch on the edge of Darius’s desk. “Didn’t think I’d be seeing you so soon again.”

  Judd shook the other man’s hand. “Where is he?”

  “In interrogation,” Darius replied.

  “What’s his demeanor?” Judd asked.

  “Cooperative.”

  “Look, Chief, there’s something you need to know before you go in there. I know you like him for this arson, but he’s got an alibi,” Tyrell said.

  Judd fixed him with an expectant stare.

  “He didn’t even get into the county until this morning. Most of yesterday was spent purchasing a car. He checked into a fleabag motel in G
reenwood at 5:30 yesterday and was seen eating at the truck stop across the street at 7:00.”

  “Witnesses?”

  “Spoke to the guy he bought the car off of. Just an ad in the paper. And there’s video footage of him at the truck stop. Time-stamped.”

  “Where’d he buy the car?”

  “Indianola. Another former inmate picked him up and dropped him there,” Tyrell explained.

  Charlie hadn’t reported an estimated time for when the fire started but it’d been 8:00 when Autumn called him. Not enough time to set the blaze and get back to Greenwood, seventy-five miles away, to be caught on camera at 7:00. Unless Charlie found some evidence of a remote starter, Jebediah hadn’t been here.

  Judd strode toward interrogation. “All that means is he wasn’t the one to directly strike the match.”

  Judd had only seen Jebediah Buchanan once since the trial. Because of Autumn’s PTSD, their annual testimony to the parole board was made without his presence. But when Judd graduated police academy, he’d made the trek to Parchman to look the bastard in the eye and make it clear that if he ever got out of the hole, Judd would be be there to stop him from getting anywhere near his daughter.

  That had been a brief visit. Jebediah had sat across from him in his orange prison jumpsuit, shackled to the metal table, his lean form gone mostly to fat from years of a prison diet. Judd had said his piece and waited for the pseudo-religious babble and invective. But Jebediah had said nothing, merely taking in Judd’s full police uniform before staring off into space somewhere over Judd’s left shoulder.

  As he stepped into interrogation, Judd’s first thought was that this man bore no resemblance to the Jebediah he’d last seen. The full head of hair had gone to dirty gray and thinned until a speckled pate showed through. The puffy, pallid skin was shrunken now, as if he were being slowly mummified. The gnarled, knobby hands were liver spotted and curled with arthritis where they lay on table. But the eyes—the same vivid green as Autumn’s—were clear as they flicked up to meet him. Even from across the room, Judd could see the deep grooves in his face, dug from pain.

  “What is it? Cancer? ALS?”

  “Why do you care? It’s terminal.”

  And it couldn’t have done its worst any faster?

  Judd took a seat across from him, something niggling him about the other man’s appearance. “You know why you’re here?”

  “Figure you’ve got to make your point and harass me now I’m on the outside.”

  “That was my original plan. See, I’m Chief of Police now, and this is my town. I’m not happy you’re here, as you might expect.”

  Jebediah looked neither impressed nor afraid. “The Lord says, if I confess out loud and seek forgiveness from others, then I’ll be cleansed of all unrighteousness. I just want to make things right with my daughter before I go.”

  He doesn’t look crazy, Judd realized. He didn’t believe for a minute that Jebediah was actually better. That kind of delusion just didn’t up and go away, even when the alcohol dried up. But apparently, in all these years, he’d learned to hide it. Maybe that was how he finessed the parole board.

  “Cleansed of all unrighteousness,” Judd repeated, struggling to keep the incredulity from his tone. “Well now, I guess you’re really pushing the envelope on that one, what with torching her place and wiping out all her worldly possessions. As I recall, you weren’t big on worldly possessions.”

  The old Jebediah would’ve gone off on a rant about the evils of material things or some shit. This one just sat, surprise flickering over his face, along with a dawning realization that this was why he’d been dragged in. On the heels of that came the anger. “I haven’t been anywhere near Autumn, and I don’t know where she lives.”

  Judd wanted to poke at that anger, add fuel to the fire to get him to incriminate himself. “Bet you could’ve found out. Maybe tagged one of your prison buddies, who already got out, to drive up here and do the job, while you were conveniently caught on camera, eating dinner, calm as you please, more than an hour away.”

  “Autumn’s house burned?” Jebediah blinked in apparent confusion, understanding that this wasn’t a hypothetical question.

  “Yeah. Last night. Curious thing that should happen the day you got out.”

  “I had nothing to do with that.”

  Like he was gonna say anything else.

  “Right. And you want to make amends. With the daughter whose welfare you haven’t even asked after.”

  “If she were dead or hurt, you wouldn’t be sitting calmly in that chair.”

  Calm was the very last thing Judd was feeling. But he had years of experience hiding his emotions in stressful situations. He didn’t like the casual way Jebediah made the statement. As if Judd were of no concern.

  Jebediah leaned forward. “You think I don’t know you want to take me apart? You’re looking for the first excuse to put me back inside. But I have news for you, Chief. I’m not going to give you the satisfaction. I was a model prisoner, and I’ll be a model parolee for as long as God allows me to grace this earth. So whatever it is you think you have on me, keep looking. There’s nothing there.”

  “I’ll be the judge of that,” said Judd. “Let’s talk about your day yesterday.”

  ~*~

  “I really wish you had let me buy you those boots,” Patty complained as they hauled purchases in from the car.

  “You’ve done plenty,” Autumn assured her. “I feel bad enough I couldn’t rein Nanna in.” As it was, Judd’s grandmother had bought her a work week’s worth of dresses, two new pair of dress shoes, and a pair of completely unnecessary but gorgeous earrings.

  “That just proves you’re human,” said Eli, dumping his load of bags in the living room floor. “Trying to stop Nanna from doing anything she wants to do is like trying to lasso a runaway train.”

  “That is the absolute truth,” Patty agreed.

  Autumn looked over at her little brother, who’d let them drag him all over Lawley, for everything from clothes to underwear to toiletries, without complaint or even so much as an eyeroll. Stepping over the bags, she rose on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. “Thanks for coming with us.”

  Eli flashed his crooked grin, a mirror image of Leo’s. “Clearly someone had to haul all this booty.”

  They’d all worked hard to pretend this was just a big shopping spree instead of the first step in Autumn starting over. She’d let them have the thin illusion because they thought it made her feel better and their support meant more than she could say. But her own mind had been occupied running numbers, sorting out how much she could afford to spend on necessities, what had to be bought now and what had to wait.

  The vast majority of the clothes had come from the Goodwill and Salvation Army thrift stores, as well as a trendy little consignment shop she and Riley had found on a previous trip to Lawley. The used clothes didn’t bother Autumn. Most of her wardrobe had been secured in a similar fashion growing up, so she had ample experience with how to stretch a buck. She still wanted to make a pilgrimage to Starkville and Oxford to hit up the thrift stores there—college towns tended toward high turnover and a lot of nice brands—but she wanted to go on her own, so it’d have to wait until she got her car back. Still, the day’s haul was a good start to a long road.

  “I wish we could’ve just gone straight to Judd’s to drop all this off. Then I could at least get things put away instead of taking over your living room.” And she could have some much needed alone time to have a good cry over all the things no amount of money could replace. The loss of those mementos, gifts, and memories had been hovering at the back of her mind all day, a heavy weight on her heart.

  “He was clear about you not being left alone, and I’m not going to cross him on this,” Patty said.

  Autumn sighed. “I know.”

  Patty wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “I know you’d like to get settled.”

  Settled. Because she was living with Judd now. The thing she’d been t
rying to avoid for years because proximity made hiding her feelings all the harder. She gave brief thought to asking Patty if she could stay here. The offer hadn’t been retracted, but Autumn knew absolutely no one was willing to cross Judd on the best way to protect her. Autumn had no desire to paint targets on Patty or Owen’s backs either, so she didn’t ask. And a tiny part of her could admit that she wanted to be close to Judd, which just reinforced that she needed to get the hell out of town.

  She’d email her mother tonight. Start making plans. She couldn’t go right away. Even though she’d been frugal, between all the must-haves and the new laptop, she wouldn’t be able to move now. Deposits on a new place, utilities, first and last month’s rent all added up to an out of reach total. But maybe she could get that ball rolling by planting the seed with her mother.

  She needed to get her new laptop set up and finish the third book. Fans were primed for it and God knew she was going to need whatever boost in income it could provide. Thank God for cloud storage. The backup of everything ought to be on the servers, so she shouldn’t have lost anything there. Although, given the snag she’d hit with the plot a few weeks before, starting over wasn’t necessarily the worst idea.

  “Can I borrow a couple of suitcases so it’s at least easier to haul in?”

  “Of course. Eli, you want to grab some from the attic?”

  “On it.”

  As Eli disappeared down the hall, the kitchen door swung open. “Mom? Y’all back?” Leo called.

  “In here!”

  He came in, Boudreaux trotting at his heels. The dog broke away and came straight for Autumn, giving her a thorough sniff from breast to toe.

  “Who’s a good boy?” She gave him a good rubdown. “What’s he doing with you?”

  “Picked him up this morning. Judd said you were worried about leaving him alone out at the house.”

  This family was just racking up the brownie points. There was a guard posted on Judd’s place, but even so, she’d been worried that someone might try the same treatment on his house. It was bad enough she’d lost all her things. If anything happened to Boudreaux…she couldn’t even think about it.