East End Angel

by Rivers, Carol

‘Come on then, push open that door.’

  He remembered it was the boxroom where they stored all the junk. But in the weak light that trickled down from the living-room fire, he saw a small bed sheltering a child’s shape, curled and still under the covers.

  ‘Is that her?’ His voice trembled.

  ‘It’s our Cynth.’

  ‘I must be dreaming,’ he rasped, too full of emotion to let himself cry. Though he wanted to. He wanted to shed the tears that for once were of joy and came from a life-giving source. ‘Can we go a bit closer?’

  They shuffled in and his heart beat a tattoo on his ribs. He saw her in the dark, a tiny head, a hand outstretched, heard the soft, regular breathing and he swallowed the sob in his throat.

  ‘Do you want to sit on the chair, love?’

  ‘No, she’s asleep, ain’t she?’

  ‘I could wake her . . . slowly, like.’

  ‘That wouldn’t be fair.’ Jim stared in fascination, bittersweet joy and a deep knowing that he’d missed the best thing that God ever created: the birth of his first-born and her first two years of growing up.

  * * *

  Pearl lay in bed, her body bathed in a golden glow. She knew this feeling only came as a result of being truly loved. Before Jim had gone away, the physical side of their marriage had been passionate, with all their tiffs ending between the sheets. But now their lovemaking was something different. Despite Jim’s hip and thigh being covered by bandages – or, perhaps, because of it – and the fact that he’d been self-conscious of the way he’d had to get into bed, holding on to the headboard and dropping slowly down with his leg outstretched, they had laughed at their awkwardness.

  But after the laughter, she’d seen the pain on his face as he tried to make love to her as he once had. But it wasn’t until she’d told him it didn’t matter, that she just wanted to be held, that his kisses had grown tender. Finally they had found a way and at last he’d wrapped her in his arms and exhaustion had taken them both.

  Now he was in a deep sleep beside her. The dawn was showing through the chink in the blackout and she longed to see him. Slowly, she slipped from the bed, glancing back as he groaned in his sleep. She paused, waiting for him to settle, then reached the window and separated the curtains.

  One muscled arm lay over his chest. A chest that she had kissed and caressed and that was now streaked with scars. She shivered at the thought of what had caused them and bent to lift her nightdress, abandoned so carelessly on the floor.

  Her body tingled as she went to the jug and poured water into the bowl. Quietly she washed, not wanting to wake him. Taking her dressing gown, she left the room, closing the door gently behind her.

  In the kitchen she looked out on the grey Saturday morning. The roofs of the houses were just the same as they always were: smoke-strewn and battered, with tiles missing and gutters blackened above the Anderson shelters. Not a green shoot existed, except on the piles of rubble and debris. There were no birds, only gulls, swooping and diving.

  How was it possible to love this place so much? It was just as the old saying went: home is where the heart is. How true that was.

  ‘Blimey, it ain’t, is it?’ Gwen dropped the potatoes she was about to weigh on the scales and opened her arms to the man standing in the shop door. ‘Jim Nesbitt! You’re home!’

  She ran round the counter and hugged him. ‘Oh, love, when did you get back?’

  ‘In the early hours,’ Jim told her, with the same grin on his face that she remembered. But his grin was about the only thing that was the same. One shoulder was higher than the other under his duffel coat. He was thin as a rake, and leaned on a crutch, the bags under his eyes so big they looked like bruises. His sandy hair had turned grey at the sides and was cut short, almost to his scalp. He’d been such a fine fellow of a man, with hair a woman would give her eyeteeth for. Gwen did her utmost to disguise her shock.

  Fitz came in from the back of the shop. ‘Jim, you old son of a gun!’

  ‘Hello, mate.’

  Gwen watched her husband take hold, grasping first the crutch, then seeing his mistake, hugging Jim with apologies.

  ‘Don’t take no notice of this,’ Jim joked. ‘It’s me new cricket bat.’

  ‘How are you?’ Gwen knew this was a daft question but it had to be asked.

  ‘I done all right, Gwen, compared to some.’

  ‘How you gonna manage them stairs?’

  Jim chuckled. ‘On me bum, I reckon.’ He shuffled over to the counter. ‘No, it’s good practice. Strengthens me leg muscles. Now quick, before Pearl and Cynth come down, can you give me an ounce of liquorice or something? I want to surprise me daughter.’

  Gwen nodded. ‘I’ll sort you out something. Jim, what do you think of your little girl?’

  ‘She’s a cracker. And didn’t mind this.’ He pointed to the crutch. ‘Thought she might be afraid when she first saw it. But Pearl’s been telling her all about her daddy; showed her me ugly mug enough times. She sat on me lap to eat her porridge, good as gold. Drew me a picture on the Morrison and gave me a blooming great kiss that brought tears to my eyes.’

  ‘Tell you what, Jim, she’s a bright kid,’ said Fitz, as Gwen tipped a few cough candies into a bag. They were pre-war, kept for emergencies, and this seemed to be one of them.

  ‘Don’t take after her old man, then,’ grinned Jim, and Gwen noticed he leaned heavily on the counter.

  ‘Go on with you.’ She gave him the bag. ‘Look out, they’re coming.’

  Gwen watched as little Cynth ran in and caught hold of her daddy’s hand. If Jim still had his hair and his good looks, they’d be the spit of each other. There were smiles all round and a neighbour came in and slapped Jim on the back. Gwen saw the sparkle in Pearl’s eyes that had been missing for so long.

  To her mind, it was a bloody good job that Ruby and her old man were out of the picture. Pearl fretted far too much over Ruby. And Gwen didn’t care at all for her stuck-up other half. He didn’t seem like Jim’s type, so with a bit of luck, this little family would have time to themselves. Though by the look of that leg it was going to be slow going. Still, they were young. And if anyone could laugh at himself and at life, it was Jim Nesbitt.

  Pearl couldn’t have felt happier. They had all walked up to the corner of West Ferry Road, very slowly for Jim’s benefit. Stopping at the park, he’d given Cynth a push on the swings, then found a bench where he could sit and watch. He’d cheered his daughter on and even managed to grab her as she fell on the grass. His disability hadn’t affected his sense of humour. He was the same Jim, wisecracking and making his wife and daughter laugh. Cynthia loved her dad, sitting astride his crutch as though it was a hobbyhorse. Jim’s eyes had creased in laughter. And when they’d come home, Pearl had made pie and mash, and drowned it in gravy. Jim’s had stared in disbelief at the meal before him.

  Now they were sitting in front of the fire, Cynth fast asleep and Jim’s arm around her shoulders. There was so much to be said, yet neither of them wanted to begin.

  Pearl laid a gentle hand on her husband’s thigh. ‘Does it hurt when I touch there?’

  ‘I wouldn’t complain if it did,’ he grinned.

  She snuggled up. ‘Can you tell me about it?’

  ‘What, me leg?’

  ‘Yes, I want to know everything.’

  ‘Might bore you stiff.’

  ‘It won’t,’ she whispered, looking up at him. ‘I couldn’t be with you to share things, so at least we can share them now.’

  ‘Some of it ain’t very nice, gel.’

  ‘I still want to know.’

  He drew his hand through her hair. ‘It was in Italy, this happened,’ he told her slowly, stroking her hair as he spoke. ‘Just after I’d heard Blackie had bought it, poor sod.’

  ‘Oh no, Jim!’

  ‘’Fraid so. His old girl wrote to me, saying he’d died of his wounds in March at the Mareth Line.’

  ‘Where’s that?’

  ‘North Afric
a. It was a place used by the Eyeties and Jerry to stand against us.’

  ‘Dying of his wounds,’ murmured Pearl. ‘That must have been awful.’

  ‘I just hope it was quick. ’Cos, believe you me, no bloke wants to hang around in a bad state.’

  ‘I’m so sorry, Jim.’ Pearl snuggled closer.

  ‘I was too. But I was even sorrier when Jerry landed one of their surprise packages on me.’ Pearl waited, listening to his heart as it beat faster. She knew it must be terrible to remember. ‘Their trick was to fire half a dozen bombs one after another, make a bloody great racket, putting the fear of God in the enemy. Didn’t know what hit me, just blacked out and came to as the stretcher-bearers picked me up. Well, I wished I hadn’t come round, as the first thing I saw was half of me leg hanging out.’

  ‘Oh, Jim!’ Pearl closed her eyes.

  ‘Sorry, gel, don’t mean to upset you.’

  ‘Go on, I want to hear it all.’

  He took a deep breath and sighed. ‘You sure?’

  ‘Course I am.’

  He bent and kissed the top of her head. In a husky voice he went on, ‘The shells were still raining down. But they got me to the casualty clearing station. The MO shoved a needle in me and that was it, thank God. I was out like a light. The bugger of it was, our unit came under fire again, and they had to move us to a tent hospital. We ended up near Rome, but by then I’d lost too much blood for ’em to operate. Took them time to bung it back in me. Eventually they got me on the table. Surgeon done a good job putting the leg back together, but after, it got infected.’

  Pearl sniffed. ‘Why didn’t you write about all this?’

  ‘What, like, “Hello, Pearl, me leg’s smashed up, but the weather’s nice over here”?’

  ‘You could have said you was injured and in hospital. I worried because you never said much. Your last letters was so brief.’

  ‘You had your own worries, gel. You never went on about the bombing here. But I knew from some of the others that London was on the hit list again.’

  Pearl wanted to say something about Ruby, to break the ice. But she knew this wasn’t the right time. ‘What happened when you got the infection?’

  Jim cleared his throat noisily. ‘I thought I would lose the leg.’

  Pearl hugged him tighter. She felt very tearful. She hadn’t been with him to comfort him. He’d been in a foreign land, amongst strangers and was very sick. She couldn’t imagine how lonely and frightening that must have been.

  He gave a sudden laugh. ‘They was about to put me under again and I remember telling the doc that if they couldn’t save it, he was to put his saw away and let me kick the bucket. But somehow I woke up with it still on.’

  ‘Jim, it ain’t no laughing matter. You could have died.’

  ‘Yeah, but I didn’t, did I? I just kept thinking of you and Cynth. And in October they transferred me to the hospital ship. The Red Cross took us to Southampton. They done another op there, dug out some more mortar. Dunno if it’s all gone. We’ll have to wait and see.’

  ‘You mean it could be bad again?’

  ‘Didn’t ask no more. Ignorance is bliss, don’t they say?’

  ‘Jim, we’ve got to know what to do for the best.’

  He chuckled, squeezing her hand. ‘I’m just out of the sympathy vote, that’s all.’

  ‘Sympathy is something you’ve never wanted, Jim Nesbitt. You’re too proud.’

  He turned, easing himself slowly to look into her eyes. ‘Listen, gel, the only thought I had in my mind when I was in hospital, was, I’m going to get home, shit or bust. I told the nurses every day, that nothing and no one was going to stop me from seeing you and Cynth. The poor cows didn’t understand English, let alone cockney, but God love them, they looked after me. And I made it, didn’t I?’

  ‘Yes, Jim, you did.’

  ‘Now there’s just us, no bloody Hitler to fight, and the war will soon be over. So come on, give us a kiss, let’s leave the talking till later. We’ve got plenty of time for that. I want you so much. And I want to tell you how much I love you and shut the rest of the world out.’

  Pearl threaded her arms around his neck and kissed him. She had so much to tell him, and she’d have to break all the news about Ruby and Ricky living here. But he had just said that he wanted to shut out the world. And she was more than prepared to do that.

  * * *

  They were sitting at the Morrison the next morning when news came over the wireless that a V2 had landed on Woolworths at New Cross. Pearl turned up the volume as Jim sat with Cynthia on his knee, his porridge untouched. They listened in silence to the description of the huge explosion where, so far, the death toll was over one hundred and fifty people and as many wounded.

  Pearl sat down heavily. ‘And we thought the war was over.’

  Jim stroked his daughter’s fair curls. ‘It’s got to be, Pearl. This killing can’t go on.’

  ‘But it is. All those poor people out doing their shopping. Innocent people who had kids, fathers and mothers . . .’

  Jim looked at her. ‘We have to be thankful it’s not us.’

  ‘I feel guilty at being alive sometimes.’

  ‘The only thing we can do is go on.’

  She reached for his hand. ‘I know. It’s just every time I hear something like this, my legs go to jelly.’ She smiled. ‘But now I’ve got you, it’s not as bad.’

  ‘Turn the damn thing off, Pearl. We’ll hear enough about it in the days to come.’ He frowned down at Cynthia. ‘Come on, petal, let’s do some drawing together.’

  Despite the tragedy that was unfolding, after switching off the wireless, Pearl turned her mind to the letter she must write to her parents and Ruby. What would she say about Jim’s homecoming? Jim hadn’t asked about Ruby and Ricky. They hadn’t discussed the outside world and Pearl knew that neither of them wanted to.

  She listened in contentment to her daughter’s laughter as she sat with her daddy. Jim adored his little girl. The time spent apart was only bringing them all closer. What more could she ask for?

  Chapter 24

  On Tuesday morning, as Pearl was helping Jim to get dressed, there was a knock at the door. Jim rolled his eyes and grinned. ‘Caught with me trousers down again.’

  ‘It’s probably Gwen.’ Pearl pushed her hair from her face as she helped him pull up the leg of his trousers. She knew he didn’t want to be dependent on her so she always made light of whatever help she gave. Even Cynthia joined in as she sat on the bed, waving Jim’s braces.

  ‘Go on, love, answer it. Cynth and me will finish the job.’

  Pearl hurried to the kitchen. When she opened the door, her jaw dropped in surprise. ‘Em! What are you doing here?’ Pearl stared at the slim figure in a smart silver-grey suit with a fur collar.

  ‘I’ve come to thank you for our wedding present. We moved as soon as we came home from Cornwall, and before I start the decorating with Colin, I decided to come and thank you.’ She paused as Cynthia’s laughter rang out and then Jim’s deep chuckle. ‘But if you’re busy . . . ?’

  ‘No, course I’m not.’

  Em stepped through and Pearl closed the door. ‘’Scuse the mess.’ She nodded to the unwashed breakfast dishes. ‘Jim came home on Friday.’

  ‘Oh, Pearl, that’s wonderful news. Is he on leave?’

  ‘No, he was wounded.’

  ‘Oh dear. Is it bad?’

  ‘No, we’re managing.’ Pearl pulled out a chair. ‘Sit down and I’ll put the kettle on.’

  ‘I’ve called at an inconvenient time.’

  ‘No, it’s lovely to see you.’ Pearl glanced in Jim’s shaving mirror as she filled the kettle. She hadn’t even had time to brush her hair. Jim was priority in the mornings. Getting him washed, shaved and dressed came even before making a fire.

  ‘So what’s your new house like?’ Pearl asked as she set out the cups. It was very cold in the kitchen but Em didn’t seem to notice.

  ‘Very nice. But there’s a
lot to do.’

  ‘Is Colin any good at decorating?’

  ‘He doesn’t have much time. But Dad can paint walls just as long as he only does one at a time.’

  Pearl had forgotten about Em’s dad. ‘How is he settling in?’

  ‘Very well. It’s a quiet street.’ Em blushed. ‘He still doesn’t go out much, though.’

  ‘I expect he will in time.’

  Just then they heard the scrape of the crutch on the lino and Jim appeared. Cynthia came rushing in and Em caught her in her arms. ‘My, haven’t you grown in only a few weeks?’ She looked up and smiled. ‘Hello, Jim. You might not remember me. I’m Emily Harris, or was when I last saw you at the firm’s Christmas dance.’

  ‘That was a few years ago,’ Jim smiled as he limped forward and held out his hand. ‘Nice to see you again.’

  ‘Perhaps you remember Colin, who is now my husband?’

  Jim nodded. ‘Yes, o’ course I do. And congratulations. When did you tie the knot?’

  Em glanced quickly at Pearl. ‘Don’t you know? It was at the end of October.’

  ‘Ruby and me was Em’s bridesmaids,’ Pearl explained quickly. ‘I was going to tell you in me next letter, but there wasn’t time.’

  There was an awkward silence before Jim smiled. ‘Oh, well, plenty of time now to catch up.’

  ‘Are Ruby and Ricky at home?’ Em asked, looking through to the front room. ‘I’d like to thank them for the sheets.’

  Pearl looked at Jim. She said quickly, ‘Ricky and Ruby are in Abingley with Mum and Dad. Ruby had to go in hospital.’

  ‘Oh, is it serious?’

  ‘No, she’s expecting and the hospital want to keep an eye on her.’

  ‘Expecting?’ Em repeated. ‘How marvellous for them both. But won’t it be a bit crowded here for you all?’

  Pearl didn’t dare look at Jim as she explained that Ruby and Ricky would be staying in Abingley. ‘So what was Cornwall like?’ she asked hurriedly as she placed the cups on the top of the Morrison.

  ‘Beautiful,’ Em smiled. ‘We felt very lucky to be able to have a honeymoon at all under the circumstances.’

  ‘I’ll say cheerio,’ Jim muttered in a tight, low voice. ‘Give me best to Colin.’ He hobbled to the back door on his crutch. Snatching his coat from the peg, he slung it over his shoulder.