The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

by John Gottman, Ph. D.

  Men are not biologically “built” for marriage. A corollary to the notion that affairs cause divorce, this theory holds that men are philanderers by nature and are therefore ill suited for monogamy. It’s supposedly the law of the jungle—the male of the species looks to create as many offspring as possible, so his allegiance to any one mate remains superficial. Meanwhile the female, given the large task of tending to the young, looks for a single mate who will provide well for her and her children.

  But whatever natural laws other species follow, among humans the frequency of extramarital affairs does not depend on gender so much as on opportunity. Now that so many women work outside the home, the rate of extramarital affairs by women has skyrocketed. According to Annette Lawson, Ph.D., of the University of California, Berkeley’s Institute of Human Development, since women have entered the workplace in massive numbers, the number of extramarital affairs of young women now slightly exceeds those of men.

  Men and women are from different planets. According to a rash of best-selling books, men and women can’t get along because males are “from Mars” and females “from Venus.” However, successful marriages also comprise respective “aliens.” Gender differences may contribute to marital problems, but they don’t cause them.

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  The determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple’s friendship. For men, the determining factor is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple’s friendship. So men and women come from the same planet after all.

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  I could go on and on. The point is not just that there are plenty of myths out there about marriage, but that the false information they offer can be disheartening to couples who are desperately trying to make their marriage work. If these myths imply one thing, it’s that marriage is an extremely complex, imposing institution that most of us just aren’t good enough for. I’m not suggesting that marriage is easy. We all know it takes courage, determination, and resiliency to maintain a long-lasting relationship. But once you understand what really makes a marriage tick, saving or safeguarding your own will become simpler.

  WHAT DOES MAKE MARRIAGE WORK?

  The advice I used to give couples earlier in my career was pretty much what you’d hear from virtually any marital therapist—the same old pointers about conflict resolution and communication skills. But after looking squarely at my own data, I had to face the harsh facts: Getting couples to disagree more “nicely” might reduce their stress levels while they argued, but frequently it wasn’t enough to pump life back into their marriages.

  The right course for these couples became clear only after I analyzed the interactions of couples whose marriages sailed smoothly through troubled waters. Why was it that these marriages worked so well? Were these couples more intelligent, more stable, or simply more fortunate than the others? Could whatever they had be taught to other couples?

  It soon became apparent that these happy marriages were never perfect unions. Some couples who said they were very satisfied with each other still had significant differences in temperament, in interests, in family values. Conflict was not infrequent. They argued, just as the unhappy couples did, over money, jobs, kids, housekeeping, sex, and in-laws. The mystery was how they so adroitly navigated their way through these difficulties and kept their marriages happy and stable.

  It took studying hundreds of couples until I finally uncovered the secrets of these emotionally intelligent marriages. No two marriages are the same, but the more closely I looked at happy marriages the clearer it became that they were alike in seven telltale ways. Happily married couples may not be aware that they follow these Seven Principles, but they all do. Unhappy marriages always came up short in at least one of these seven areas—and usually in many of them. By mastering these Seven Principles, you can ensure that your own marriage will thrive. You’ll learn to identify which of these components are weak spots, or potential weak spots, in your marriage, and to focus your attention where your marriage most needs it. In the chapters ahead we’ll fill you in on all the secrets to maintaining (or regaining) a happy marriage, and hold your hand as you apply the techniques to your own marriage.

  THE EVIDENCE, PLEASE

  How can I be so confident that doing this will benefit your marriage? Because unlike other approaches to helping couples, mine is based on knowing what makes marriages succeed rather than on what makes them fail. I don’t have to guess anymore about why some couples stay so happily married. I know why. I have documented just what makes happily married couples different from everybody else.

  I am confident that the Seven Principles work not just because my data suggest they should, but because the hundreds of couples who’ve attended our workshops so far have confirmed to me that they do. Almost all of these couples came to us because their marriage was in deep distress—some were on the verge of divorce. Many were skeptical that a simple two-day workshop based on the Seven Principles could turn their relationship around. Fortunately their skepticism was unfounded. Our findings indicate that these workshops have made a profound and powerful difference in these couples’ lives.

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  Couples who attend my workshop have a relapse rate that’s about half that from standard marital therapy.

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  When it comes to judging the effectiveness of marital therapy, nine months seems to be the magic number. Usually by then the couples who are going to relapse after therapy already have. Those who retain the benefits of therapy through the first nine months tend to continue them long-term. So we put our workshops to the test by doing an extensive nine-month follow-up of 640 couples. I’m happy to report an astoundingly low relapse rate. The nationwide relapse rate for standard marital therapy is 30 to 50 percent. Our rate is 20 percent. We found that at the beginning of our workshops, 27 percent of couples were at very high risk for divorce. At our three-month follow-up that proportion was 6.7 percent and at nine months it was 0 percent. But even couples who were not at high risk for divorce were significantly helped by the workshops.

  FRIENDSHIP VERSUS FIGHTING

  At the heart of my program is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately—they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out.

  Take the case of hardworking Nathaniel, who runs his own import business and works very long hours. In another marriage, his schedule might be a major liability. But he and his wife Olivia have found ways to stay connected. They talk frequently on the phone during the day. When she has a doctor’s appointment, he remembers to call to see how it went. When he has a meeting with an important client, she’ll check in to see how it fared. When they have chicken for dinner, she gives him both drumsticks because she knows he likes them best. When he makes blueberry pancakes for the kids Saturday morning, he’ll leave the blueberries out of hers because he knows she doesn’t like them. Although he’s not religious, he accompanies her to church each Sunday because it’s important to her. And although she’s not crazy about spending a lot of time with their relatives, she has pursued a friendship with Nathaniel’s mother and sisters because family matters so much to him.

  If all of this sounds humdrum and unromantic, it’s anything but. Through small but important ways Olivia and Nathaniel are maintaining the friendship that is the foundation of their love. As a result they have a marriage that is far more passionate than do couples who punctuate their lives together with romantic vacations and lavish anniversary gifts but have fallen out of touch in their daily lives.

  Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse. Because Nathaniel and O
livia have kept their friendship strong despite the inevitable disagreements and irritations of married life, they are experiencing what is known technically as “positive sentiment override.” This means that their positive thoughts about each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negative feelings. It takes a much more significant conflict for them to lose their equilibrium as a couple than it would otherwise. Their positivity causes them to feel optimistic about each other and their marriage, to assume positive things about their lives together, and to give each other the benefit of the doubt.

  Here’s a simple example. Olivia and Nathaniel are getting ready to host a dinner party. Nathaniel calls, “Where are the napkins?” and Olivia yells back edgily, “They’re in the cupboard!” Because their marriage is founded on a firm friendship, most likely he’ll shrug off her tone of voice and focus instead on the information Olivia has given him—that the napkins are in the cupboard. He attributes her anger to some fleeting problem that has nothing to do with him—like she can’t get the cork out of the wine bottle. However, if their marriage were troubled, he would be more likely to sulk or yell back, “Never mind, you get them!”

  One way of looking at this positive override is similar to the “set point” approach to weight loss. According to this popular theory, the body has a “set” weight that it tries to maintain. Thanks to homeostasis, no matter how much or how little you diet, your body has a strong tendency to hover at that weight. Only by resetting your body’s metabolism (say, by exercising regularly) can dieting really help you lose pounds for good. In a marriage, positivity and negativity operate similarly. Once your marriage gets “set” at a certain degree of positivity, it will take far more negativity to harm your relationship than if your “set point” were lower. And if your relationship becomes overwhelmingly negative, it will be more difficult to repair it.

  Most marriages start off with such a high, positive set point that it’s hard for either partner to imagine their relationship derailing. But far too often this blissful state doesn’t last. Over time anger, irritation, and resentment can build to the point that the friendship becomes more and more of an abstraction. The couple may pay lip service to it, but it is no longer their daily reality. Eventually they end up in “negative sentiment override.” Everything gets interpreted more and more negatively. Words said in a neutral tone of voice are taken personally. The wife says, “You’re not supposed to run the microwave without any food in it.” The husband sees this as an attack, so he says something like, “Don’t tell me what to do. I’m the one who read the manual!” Another battle begins.

  Once you reach this point, getting back to the fundamental bond that united you in the first place can seem as difficult as backpedaling while whitewater rafting. But my Seven Principles will show you how to strengthen your friendship even if you feel awash in negativity. As you learn about these principles, you will come to have a deeper understanding of the role of friendship in any marriage, and you will develop the skills to retain or revive your own.

  A HAPPY COUPLE’S SECRET WEAPON

  Rediscovering or reinvigorating friendship doesn’t prevent couples from arguing. Instead, it gives them a secret weapon that prevents quarrels from getting out of hand. For example, here’s what happens when Olivia and Nathaniel argue. As they plan to move from the city to the suburbs, tensions between them are high. Although they see eye to eye on which house to buy and how to decorate it, they are locking horns over buying a new car. Olivia thinks they should join the suburban masses and get a minivan. To Nathaniel nothing could be drearier—he wants a Jeep. The more they talk about it, the higher the decibel level gets. If you were a fly on the wall of their bedroom, you would have serious doubts about their future together. Then all of a sudden, Olivia puts her hands on her hips and, in perfect imitation of their four-year-old son, sticks out her tongue. Since Nathaniel knows that she’s about to do this, he sticks out his tongue first. Then they both start laughing. As always, this silly contest defuses the tension between them.

  In our research we actually have a technical name for what Olivia and Nathaniel did. Probably unwittingly, they used a repair attempt. This name refers to any statement or action—silly or otherwise—that prevents negativity from escalating out of control. Repair attempts are the secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples—even though many of these couples aren’t aware that they are doing something so powerful. When a couple have a strong friendship, they naturally become experts at sending each other repair attempts and at correctly reading those sent their way. But when couples are in negative override, even a repair statement as blunt as “Hey, I’m sorry” will have a low success rate.

  The success or failure of a couple’s repair attempts is one of the primary factors in whether their marriage flourishes or flounders. And again, what determines the success of their repair attempts is the strength of their marital friendship. If this sounds simplistic or obvious, you’ll find in the pages ahead that it is not. Strengthening your marital friendship isn’t as basic as just being “nice.” Even if you feel that your friendship is already quite solid, you may be surprised to find there is room to strengthen it all the more. Most of the couples who take our workshop are relieved to hear that almost everybody messes up during marital conflict. What matters is whether the repairs are successful.

  THE PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE

  In the strongest marriages, husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning. They don’t just “get along”—they also support each other’s hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together. That is really what I mean when I talk about honoring and respecting each other.

  Very often a marriage’s failure to do this is what causes husband and wife to find themselves in endless, useless rounds of argument or to feel isolated and lonely in their marriage. After watching countless videotapes of couples fighting, I can guarantee you that most quarrels are really not about whether the toilet lid is up or down or whose turn it is to take out the trash. There are deeper, hidden issues that fuel these superficial conflicts and make them far more intense and hurtful than they would otherwise be.

  Once you understand this, you will be ready to accept one of the most surprising truths about marriage: Most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind—but it can’t be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage.

  This doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do if your relationship has been overrun by conflict. But it does mean that the typical conflict-resolution advice won’t help. Instead, you need to understand the bottom-line difference that is causing the conflict between you—and to learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting each other. Only then will you be able to build shared meaning and a sense of purpose into your marriage.

  It used to be that couples could achieve this goal only through their own insight, instinct, or blessed luck. But now my Seven Principles make the secrets of marital success available to all couples. No matter what the current state of your relationship, following these Seven Principles can lead to dramatic, positive change.

  The first step toward improving or enhancing your marriage is to understand what happens when my Seven Principles are not followed. This has been well documented by my extensive research into couples who were not able to save their marriages. Learning about the failures can prevent your marriage from making the same mistakes—or rescue it if it already has. Once you come to understand why some marriages fail and how the Seven Principles could prevent such tragedies, you’ll be on the way to improving your own marriage forever.

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  How I Predict Divorce

  Dara and Oliver sit face to face in the Love Lab. Both in their late twenties, they have volunteered to take part in my study of ne
wlyweds. In this extensive research, 130 couples have agreed to put their marriages not only under the microscope but in front of the camera as well. Dara and Oliver are among the fifty who were observed during an overnight stay at the Love Lab “apartment.” My ability to predict divorce is based in part on my analysis of these couples and their interactions.

  Dara and Oliver say their lives are hectic but happy. She attends nursing school at night, and he works long hours as a computer programmer. Like many couples, including those who remain content as well as those who eventually divorce, Dara and Oliver acknowledge that their marriage isn’t perfect. But they say they love each other and are committed to staying together. They positively beam when they talk about the life they plan to build.

  I ask them to spend fifteen minutes in the lab trying to resolve an ongoing disagreement they are having while I videotape them. As they speak, sensors attached to their bodies gauge their stress levels based on various measurements of their circulatory system, such as how quickly their hearts beat.

  I expect that their discussion will be at least somewhat negative. After all, I have asked them to quarrel. While some couples are capable of resolving disagreements with understanding words and smiles, more often there’s tension. Dara and Oliver are no exception. Dara thinks Oliver doesn’t do his share of the housekeeping, and he thinks she nags him too much, which makes him less motivated to do more.

  After listening to them talk about this problem, I sadly predict to my colleagues that Dara and Oliver will see their marital happiness dwindle. And sure enough, four years later they report they are on the verge of divorce. Although they still live together, they are leading lonely lives. They have become like ghosts, haunting the marriage that once made them both feel so alive.