The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

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The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Page 9

by John Gottman, Ph. D.


  Tuesday

  Thought: Marriage is sometimes a struggle, but it’s worth it.

  Task: Think of one difficult time you successfully weathered together.

  Wednesday

  Thought: There is a lot of affection between us.

  Task: Plan a surprise gift for your mate for tonight.

  Thursday

  Thought: We are genuinely interested in one another.

  Task: Think of something to do or talk about that would be interesting.

  Friday

  Thought: We find one another to be good companions.

  Task: Plan an outing together.

  Week 6

  Monday

  Thought: There is lots of good loving in my marriage.

  Task: Think of a special trip you took together.

  Tuesday

  Thought: My partner is an interesting person.

  Task: Plan something to ask your mate about that interests both of you.

  Wednesday

  Thought: We respond well to each other.

  Task: Write a love letter to your spouse and mail it.

  Thursday

  Thought: If I had it to do over again, I would marry the same person.

  Task: Plan an anniversary (or other) getaway.

  Friday

  Thought: There is lots of mutual respect in my marriage.

  Task: Consider taking a class together (sailing, ballroom dancing, etc.). Or tell your spouse about a time recently when you admired something your spouse did.

  Week 7

  Monday

  Thought: Sex is usually (or can be) quite satisfying in this marriage.

  Task: Plan an erotic evening for the two of you.

  Tuesday

  Thought: We have come a long way together.

  Task: Think of all you have accomplished as a team.

  Wednesday

  Thought: I think we can weather any storm together.

  Task: Reminisce about having made it through a hard time.

  Thursday

  Thought: We enjoy each other’s sense of humor.

  Task: Rent a comedy video to watch together.

  Friday

  Thought: My mate can be very cute.

  Task: Get very dressed up for an elegant evening together. Or if you don’t like that kind of thing, plan another kind of evening out you would enjoy.

  By the end of the seven weeks, you’re likely to find that your perspective on your partner and your marriage is far sunnier. Singing each other’s praises can only benefit your marriage. But in order to ensure that the gains continue, you need to put your respect and affection to work. In the next chapter you’ll do just that, by using them as the foundation for revamping—or reviving—your marriage’s sense of romance.

  5

  Principle 3:

  Turn toward Each Other Instead of Away

  None of the footage taped in our Love Lab would win anybody an Oscar. Our archives are filled with scenes in which the husband looks out the picture window and says, “Wow, look at that boat,” and the wife peers over her magazine and says, “Yeah, it looks like that big schooner we saw last summer, remember?” and the husband grunts.

  You might think I’d find viewing hour after hour of such scenes unbearably boring. On the contrary: When couples engage in lots of chitchat like this, I can be pretty sure that they will stay happily married. What’s really happening in these brief exchanges is that the husband and wife are connecting—they are turning toward each other. In couples who go on to divorce or live together unhappily, such small moments of connection are rare. More often the wife doesn’t even look up from her magazine—and if she does, her husband doesn’t acknowledge what she says.

  Hollywood has dramatically distorted our notions of romance and what makes passion burn. Watching Humphrey Bogart gather teary-eyed Ingrid Bergman into his arms may make your heart pound, but real-life romance is fueled by a far more humdrum approach to staying connected. It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life. Comical as it may sound, romance actually grows when a couple are in the supermarket and the wife says, “Are we out of bleach?” and the husband says, “I don’t know. Let me go get some just in case,” instead of shrugging apathetically. It grows when you know your spouse is having a bad day at work and you take sixty seconds out of your own workday to leave words of encouragement on his voice mail. It grows when your wife tells you one morning, “I had the worst nightmare last night,” and you say, “I’m in a big hurry, but tell me about it now so we can talk about it tonight,” instead of “I don’t have time.” In all of these instances husband and wife are making a choice to turn toward each other rather than away. In marriage people periodically make what I call “bids” for their partner’s attention, affection, humor, or support. People either turn toward one another after these bids or they turn away. Turning toward is the basis of emotional connection, romance, passion, and a good sex life.

  So in the Love Lab my favorite scenes are the very ones that any Hollywood film editor would relegate to the cutting room floor. I know there’s deep drama in the little moments: Will they read the Sunday paper together or silently alone? Will they chat while they eat lunch? Watching them is suspenseful because I know: Couples who turn toward each other remain emotionally engaged and stay married. Those that don’t eventually lose their way.

  The reason for the differing outcome of these marriages is what I’ve come to call the couple’s emotional bank account. Partners who characteristically turn toward each other rather than away are putting money in the bank. They are building up emotional savings that can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they’re faced with a major life stress or conflict. Because they have stored up all of this goodwill, they are better able to make allowances for each other when a conflict arises. They can maintain a positive sense of each other and their marriage even during hard times.

  The biggest payoff from this emotional bank account isn’t the cushion it offers when the couple are stressed. As I said, turning toward your spouse in the little ways is also the key to long-lasting romance. Many people think that the secret to reconnecting with their partner is a candlelit dinner or a by-the-sea vacation. But the real secret is to turn toward each other in little ways every day. A romantic night out really turns up the heat only when a couple has kept the pilot light burning by staying in touch in the little ways. It’s easy to imagine Justine and Michael, the couple who recalled their wedding and courtship with such delight, at a candlelit restaurant. But sit Peter and Cynthia, the couple who couldn’t agree on car washing or much of anything else, in the same chairs, and the evening would most likely be a fiasco, filled with accusations, recriminations, or awkward silences.

  Is Your Marriage Primed for Romance?

  To get a good sense of how your relationship is faring (or is likely to fare in the future) in the romance department, answer the following questions.

  Read each statement and circle T for “true” or F for “false.”

  1. We enjoy doing small things together, like folding laundry or watching TV. T F

  2. I look forward to spending my free time with my partner. T F

  3. At the end of the day my partner is glad to see me. T F

  4. My partner is usually interested in hearing my views. T F

  5. I really enjoy discussing things with my partner. T F

  6. My partner is one of my best friends. T F

  7. I think my partner would consider me a very close friend. T F

  8. We just love talking to each other. T F

  9. When we go out together, the time goes very quickly. T F

  10. We always have a lot to say to each other. T F

  11. We have a lot of fun together. T F

  12. We are spiritually very compatible. T F

  13. We tend to share the same basic values. T F

  14. We like to spend time together in similar ways. T F

 
15. We really have a lot of common interests. T F

  16. We have many of the same dreams and goals. T F

  17. We like to do a lot of the same things. T F

  18. Even though our interests are somewhat different, I enjoy my partner’s interests. T F

  19. Whatever we do together, we usually tend to have a good time. T F

  20. My partner tells me when he or she has had a bad day. T F

  Scoring: Give yourself one point for each “true” answer.

  10 or above: Congratulations! This is an area of strength in your marriage. Because you are so often “there” for each other during the minor events in your lives, you have built up a hefty emotional bank account that will support you over any rough patches in your marriage (and keep many at bay). It’s those little moments that you rarely think about—when you’re shopping at the supermarket, folding laundry, or having a quickie catch-up call while you’re both still at work—that make up the heart and soul of a marriage. Having a surplus in your emotional bank account is what makes romance last and gets you through hard times, bad moods, and major life changes.

  Below 10: Your marriage could stand some improvement in this area. By learning to turn toward each other more during the minor moments in your day, you will make your marriage not only more stable but more romantic. Every time you make the effort to listen and respond to what your spouse says, to help him or her, you make your marriage a little better.

  * * *

  Couples often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.

  * * *

  The first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these mundane moments are, not only to your marriage’s stability, but to its ongoing sense of romance. For many couples, just realizing that they shouldn’t take their everyday interactions for granted makes an enormous difference in their relationship. Remind yourself that being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway. The following exercises will also help you make turning toward each other an easy, natural part of your lives together.

  Exercise 1: The Emotional Bank Account

  Keeping an account in your head of how much you’re connecting with your spouse emotionally in little ways can greatly benefit your marriage. But for some couples the concept works best if they make their emotional bank account “real.” You can do this by drawing a simple ledger and giving yourself one point each time you’ve turned toward your spouse during the course of the day. You probably wouldn’t want to document every encouraging nod you gave while your spouse was talking. But you would include entries for such events as “Called J at work to see how meeting went” and “Took L’s van to car wash.”

  Be careful not to turn this into a competition or a quid pro quo where you track each other’s account “balance” and keep tabs on who has done what for whom. That approach defeats the purpose of this exercise. The goal is to focus on what you can do to improve your marriage—not on what your spouse should be doing but isn’t. That means, for example, trying to turn toward your spouse even when you feel he or she is being difficult or hostile.

  You can tally your daily or weekly balance by adding up your deposits and subtracting any withdrawals (“Forgot to get film for M’s camera,” “Was late getting home”). For this exercise to work it’s important to be ruthlessly honest with yourself when you are negligent and turn away from your spouse. The more in the black your account is, the more likely you are to see your marriage improve. Don’t be surprised if positive changes don’t occur overnight, however. If you’ve gotten out of the habit of turning toward each other, it may take some time to see the benefits of this exercise. One of the challenges is to notice when your partner does turn toward you and vice versa. In one research study in which couples were closely observed in their own homes, happily married couples noticed almost all of the positive things the researchers observed their partners do for them. However, unhappily married couples underestimated their partners’ loving intentions by 50 percent!

  Although you don’t want your ledgers to become the focus of a competition, it makes sense to get each other’s input about which areas of your lives could benefit most from more emotional connection. That way you can focus your efforts on where they’ll have the greatest impact. Below is a long list of activities that some couples do together—everything from washing dishes to going bowling. Choose the three that you most wish your partner would do with you. You can also circle an item if you and your spouse already do it jointly but you wish you did so more frequently or that your spouse was more “there” emotionally during the activity. For example, if you currently read the newspaper together every morning but wish your spouse would discuss the news with you more instead of just reading silently, you can circle that item.

  1. Reunite at the end of the day and talk about how it went.

  2. Shop for groceries. Make up the shopping list.

  3. Cook dinner, bake.

  4. Clean house, do laundry.

  5. Shop together for gifts or clothes (for self, kids, or friends).

  6. Go out (no kids) for brunch or dinner, or to your favorite haunt or bar.

  7. Read the morning paper together.

  8. Help each other with a self-improvement plan (e.g., a new class, weight loss, exercise, a new career).

  9. Plan and host a dinner party.

  10. Call and/or think about each other during the workday.

  11. Stay overnight at a romantic hideaway.

  12. Eat breakfast together during the work week.

  13. Go to a church, mosque, or synagogue together.

  14. Do yard work, shovel the walk, do home repairs, car maintenance, and washing.

  15. Perform committee work in the community (e.g., volunteering).

  16. Exercise together.

  17. Go on weekend outings (e.g., picnic, drives).

  18. Spend “everyday” time with kids —bedtimes, baths, homework.

  19. Take the kids on outings (e.g., zoo, museum, dinner).

  20. Attend school functions (e.g., teacher conferences).

  21. Stay in touch with/spend time with kin (parents, in-laws, siblings).

  22. Entertain out-of-town guests.

  23. Travel together (plane, bus, train, car).

  24. Watch TV or videos.

  25. Order take out.

  26. Double-date with friends.

  27. Attend sporting events.

  28. Engage in a favorite activity (e.g., bowl, go to amusement park, bicycle, hike, jog, horseback ride, camp, canoe, sail, water-ski, swim).

  29. Talk or read together by an open fire.

  30. Listen to music.

  31. Go dancing or attend a concert, nightclub, jazz club, or theater.

  32. Host your child’s birthday party.

  33. Take your child to lessons.

  34. Attend your child’s sporting events or performance (recital, play, etc.).

  35. Pay bills.

  36. Write letters or cards.

  37. Deal with family medical events (take kids to the doctor, dentist, or emergency room).

  38. Work at home, but still be together in some way.

  39. Go to a community event (e.g., church auction).

  40. Go to a party.

  41. Drive to or from work together.

  42. Celebrate milestones in your children’s lives (confirmation, graduation).

  43. Celebrate other milestones in your lives (e.g., promotion, retirement).

  44. Play computer games, surf the Internet.

  45. Supervise your children’s play dates.

  46. Plan vacations.

  47. Plan your future together. Dream.

  48. Walk the dog.

  49. Read out loud together.

  50. Play a board game or a card game.

  51. Put on plays or skits together.

  52. Do errands together on a weekend.

  53. Engag
e in hobbies; e.g., painting, sculpting, making music.

  54. Talk over drinks (alcohol, coffee, or tea).

  55. Find time to just talk without interruptions—find time for spouse to really listen to you.

  56. Philosophize.

  57. Gossip (talk about other people).

  58. Attend a funeral.

  59. Help out other people.

  60. Hunt for a new house or apartment.

  61. Test-drive new cars.

  62. Other ___________________________ .

  Now, share your top three choices with each other so you both know how best to turn toward each other and accrue points. Warning: Sometimes this exercise generates conflict when we do it as part of our workshop. For example, Dick may say he wants Renee to be there more when it comes to making weekend plans, but Renee claims she already does most of the weekend planning. To avoid this, remember that this exercise is really a way to flatter each other. What you’re really telling your spouse is “I love you so much that I want more of you.” So be sure to talk about your requests in that spirit. Rather than being critical of what your partner has not done in the past, focus on what you would like to have happen now. That means saying “I’d like it if you stayed with me most of the time at parties” instead of “You always abandon me.”

  The real benefit of this exercise comes when you both look at the three items your partner chose and follow through by committing to do one of them. This should be a firm agreement—in the workshops we actually call it a contract. Some couples find it helpful to put these contracts in writing, such as “I, Wendy, agree to join Bill in walking the dog every Monday and Thursday.” This may sound stiff and formal, but an official agreement usually has the opposite effect: because it conveys respect for your request, you feel relieved and excited that your spouse is willing to give this to you. No wonder this exercise intensifies the sense of romance!

  Exercise 2: The Stress-Reducing

  Conversation

  Although you can earn points in your emotional bank account during just about any everyday activity listed above, we have found the first one, “Reunite at the end of the day and talk about how it went,” to be the most effective. What this “How was your day, dear?” conversation does (or ought to do) is to help each of you manage the stress in your life that is not caused by your marriage. Learning to do this is crucial to a marriage’s long-term health, according to research by my colleague Neil Jacobson, Ph.D., of the University of Washington. He has found that one of the key variables in relapse after his own approach to marital therapy is whether stress from other areas of your lives spills over into your relationship. Couples who are overrun by this stress see their marriages relapse, while those who can help each other cope with it keep their marriages strong.

 

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