Many couples automatically have this sort of calming-down conversation, perhaps at the dinner table or after the kids fall asleep. But too often this discussion does not have the desired effect—it increases your stress levels because you end up feeling frustrated with your spouse for not listening to you, whether you’re the one venting or the one who’s offering advice. If that’s the case, you need to change your approach to these catch-up conversations to make sure they help you calm down.
For starters, think about the timing of the chat. Some people want to unburden themselves when they’re barely through the door. But others need to decompress on their own for a while before they’re ready to interact. So wait until you both want to talk.
On a typical day, spend twenty to thirty minutes on this conversation. The cardinal rule is that you talk about whatever is on your mind outside of your marriage. This is not the time to discuss any conflicts between you. It’s an opportunity to support each other emotionally concerning other areas in your lives.
This exercise takes active listening, that classic technique of standard marital therapy, and stands it on its head. The goal of active listening is to hear your spouse’s perspective with empathy and without judging him or her. That’s all well and good. But this approach usually fails because couples are asked to use it when they are airing their gripes with each other. This is difficult to do and often about as painless as an IRS audit. It’s virtually impossible not to feel frightened, hurt, or mad as hell when your spouse is blasting you.
But I have found that this same listening technique can be extremely beneficial if you use it during discussions where you are not your spouse’s target. In this context, you’ll feel far freer to be readily supportive and understanding of your spouse and vice versa. This can only heighten the love and trust you feel. Here are detailed instructions for having this discussion:
1. Take turns. Each partner gets to be the complainer for fifteen minutes.
2. Don’t give unsolicited advice. If you quickly suggest a solution to your partner’s dilemma, he or she is likely to feel that you are trivializing or dismissing the problem, which backfires. In effect you’re saying, “That’s not such a big issue. Why don’t you just . . . ?” So the cardinal rule when helping your partner de-stress is that understanding must precede advice. You have to let your partner know that you fully understand and empathize with the dilemma before you suggest a solution. Oftentimes your spouse isn’t asking you to come up with a solution at all—just to be a good listener, or offer a ready shoulder to cry on.
I have found a significant gender difference when it comes to this rule. Women are more sensitive to advice-giving than are men. In other words, when a wife tells her husband her troubles, she usually reacts very negatively if he tries to give her advice right away. Instead she wants to hear that he understands and feels compassion. Men are far more tolerant of immediate attempts to problem-solve, so a wife can probably “get away” with some gentle words of wisdom. Still, a man who emotes to his wife about his work troubles would probably prefer that she offer him sympathy rather than a solution.
In the workshops, when I tell couples that their role is not to solve each other’s problems but to offer support, their relief is almost palpable. Men especially get caught up in thinking that when their wives are upset, their role is to take care of the problem. A huge burden is lifted once they realize that this is not their responsibility and is usually the opposite of what their wives want. It seems almost too good to be true that you earn points by not trying to solve your partner’s problems, but that is the case.
3. Show genuine interest. Don’t let your mind or eyes wander. Stay focused on your spouse. Ask questions. Make eye contact. Nod, say “uh-huh,” and so on.
4. Communicate your understanding. Let your spouse know that you empathize: “What a bummer! I’d be stressed out, too. I can see why you feel that way.”
5. Take your spouse’s side. This means being supportive, even if you think his or her perspective is unreasonable. Don’t side with the opposition—this will make your spouse resentful or dejected. If your wife’s boss chewed her out for being five minutes late, don’t say, “Oh, well, maybe Bob was just having a bad day.” And certainly don’t say, “Well, you shouldn’t have been late.” Instead, say, “That’s so unfair!” The point isn’t to be dishonest. It’s just that timing is everything. When your partner comes to you for emotional support (rather than for advice), your job is not to cast moral judgment or to tell him or her what to do. Your job is to say “poor baby.”
6. Express a “we against others” attitude. If your mate is feeling all alone in facing some difficulty, express solidarity. Let him or her know that the two of you are in this together.
7. Express affection. Hold your mate, put an arm on his or her shoulder, say, “I love you.”
8. Validate emotions. Let your partner know that his or her feelings make sense to you. Phrases that do this include “Yeah, that is really so sad. That would have me worried, too. I can see why you’d be annoyed about that.”
Here are two brief examples of a stress-reducing conversation to give you an idea of what to do—and what not to.
Don’t:
HANK: I had another terrible meeting with Ethel today. She keeps challenging my knowledge, and she has been going to the boss telling him that she doubts my competence. I hate her.
WANDA: I think this is another example of you flying off the handle and overreacting. (Criticizing) I have seen her be very constructive and reasonable. Maybe you are just not being sensitive to her concerns. (Siding with the enemy)
HANK: The woman is out to get me.
WANDA: That’s your paranoid streak coming out. You’ve got to try to control that. (Criticizing)
HANK: Oh, forget it.
Do:
HANK: I had another terrible meeting with Ethel today. She keeps challenging my knowledge, and she has been going to the boss telling him that she doubts my competence. I hate her.
WANDA: I can’t believe that woman! She is the meanest fighter and a terrible gossip. (We against others) What did you say? (Showing genuine interest)
HANK: I told her she is just out to get me. And that she’s not going to succeed.
WANDA: She can make anyone become paranoid. I’m sorry she’s putting you through this. (Expressing affection) I’d like to get even with her. (We against others)
HANK: So would I, but I think it’d be better to just forget it. Just ignore her.
WANDA: Your boss knows what she’s like. Everyone does.
HANK: That’s true. He doesn’t share her opinions of me, and she goes around saying everyone is incompetent but her.
WANDA: That’s bound to backfire.
HANK: I hope so, or she’ll give me an ulcer.
WANDA: This is really stressing you out! I can understand why. (Validating emotions) You know, she’s given her husband one.
HANK: He has an ulcer?
WANDA: I just heard about it.
HANK: Good Lord!
Below are some sample scenarios to help you practice being supportive during your spouse’s whining session.
1. Your wife’s sister yelled at her for not yet repaying money she loaned her two months ago. Your wife is feeling outraged and hurt by her sister’s attitude. (She does owe her sister the money.)
You say:
2. Your husband got a speeding ticket on his way home. “It was a speed trap!” he yells. “Everyone was going 80 mph. Why do I have to be the one who gets pulled over?”
You say:
3. Your wife was late getting to a big job interview. Now she’s worried she won’t get the job. “I can’t believe how stupid I was,” she moans.
You say:
4. Your husband asked his boss for a raise and was turned down. He got angry and stormed out of his boss’s office. Now he’s worried that his boss will hold this against him.
You say:
Sample Answers
1. �
�I’m sorry she made you feel really hurt and angry.” (Or “Poor baby.”)
2. “How outrageous! That’s so unfair!” (Or “Poor baby.”)
3. “You weren’t stupid. That could happen to anybody.” (Or “Poor baby.”)
4. “I understand how you feel.” (Or “Poor baby.”)
One last note: No one knows you better than your spouse. Sometimes advice may be just what you’re looking for. The best strategy is to talk about what you’d each like from the other when you’re feeling stressed. If your spouse is ranting about the promotion he didn’t get, you can say something like “You’re obviously really upset about this. How can I help you? Do you need me just to listen, or do you want me to help you brainstorm what to do next?”
If you have this sort of conversation every day, it can’t help but benefit your marriage. You’ll come away with the conviction that your partner is on your side, and that’s one of the foundations of a long-lasting friendship.
* * *
Once your marriage gets set at a more positive level, it will be harder to knock it off course.
* * *
As beneficial as turning toward each other can be, it can feel hurtful and rejecting when your spouse does the opposite. Often couples turn away from each other not out of malice but out of mindlessness. They get distracted and start taking each other for granted. Realizing the importance of the little moments and paying more attention to them is enough to solve the problem in many cases. But sometimes there are deeper reasons why couples keep missing each other. For example, when one partner rebuffs the other, it could be a sign of hostility over some festering conflict. But I have found that when one spouse regularly feels the other just doesn’t connect enough, often the cause is a disparity between their respective needs for intimacy and independence.
Marriage is something of a dance. There are times when you feel drawn to your loved one and times when you feel the need to pull back and replenish your sense of autonomy. There’s a wide spectrum of “normal” needs in this area—some people have a greater and more frequent need for connection, others for independence. A marriage can work even if people fall on opposite ends of this spectrum—as long as they are able to understand the reason for their feelings and respect their differences. If they don’t, however, hurt feelings are likely to develop.
If you feel like your spouse gives you the cold shoulder in little ways throughout the day, or if your spouse’s concept of closeness feels more like suffocation to you, the best thing you can do for your marriage is to talk it out. Looking at these moments together will give you greater insight into each other and help you both learn how to give each other what you need.
Exercise 3: What to Do When Your
Spouse Doesn’t Turn toward You
If one of you is feeling rebuffed by the other lately, or overwhelmed by your spouse’s need for closeness, you should both fill out the form below and then share your answers. There is no answer key for these questions, they are merely a point of departure for discussions with your spouse. The bottom line of this approach is that there isn’t one reality when a couple misses each other in little ways. There are two equally legitimate perspectives. Once you understand and acknowledge this, you’ll find that reconnecting just comes naturally.
During this week I felt:
1.
Defensive.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
2.
Hurt.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
3.
Angry.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
4.
Sad.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
5.
Misunderstood.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
6.
Criticized.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
7.
Worried.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
8.
Righteously indignant.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
9.
Unappreciated.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
10.
Unattractive.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
11.
Disgusted.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
12.
Disapproving.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
13.
Like leaving.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
14.
Like my opinions didn’t matter.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
15.
I had no idea what I was feeling.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
16.
Lonely.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
What triggered these feelings?
1.
I felt excluded.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
2.
I was not important to my spouse.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
3.
I felt cold toward my spouse.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
4.
I definitely felt rejected.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
5.
I was criticized.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
6.
I felt no affection toward my partner.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
7.
I felt that my partner was not attracted to me.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
8.
My sense of dignity was being compromised.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
9.
My partner was being domineering.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
10.
I could not persuade my partner at all.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
Now that you know what triggered this episode, it’s time to see whether your emotional reaction is rooted in your past. Look over your answers to the “Who Am I?” exercise on p. 56. See if you can find connections there between earlier traumas or behavior and the current situation. Use the following checklist to facilitate this search for links between the past and present.
These recent feelings about my marriage come
from:
(check all that apply)
__ The way I was treated in my family growing up
__ A previous relationship
__ Past injuries, hard times, or traumas I’ve suffered
__ My basic fears and insecurities
__ Things and events I have not yet resolved or put aside
__ Unrealized hopes I have
__ Ways other people treated me in the past
__ Things I have always thought about myself
__ Old “nightmares” or “catastrophes” I have worried about
After you’ve read each other’s answers above, you will, I hope, come to see that many of your differences are really not matters of “fact.” We are all complicated creatures whose actions and reactions are governed by a wide array of perceptions, thoughts, feelings, and memories. In other words, reality is subjective, which is why your partner’s perspective on the past week may be different from yours without either of you being right or wrong about what really happened. In your notebook, write out a short description of your point of view, and then do the same for your partner’s perspective.
It’s natural to make the fundamental error of assuming that distance and loneliness are all your partner’s fault. In truth they’re nobody’s fault. In order to break the pattern, you both need to admit playing some role (however slight at first) in creating the problem. To do that, read the following list and circle all that apply to you and that may have contributed to the turning away or the feelings of being swamped and smothered recently. (Do not try to do this until you have calmed down physiologically. Follow the steps for self-soothing on page 176 and then let go of thoughts that maintain the distress, thoughts of feeling misunderstood, righteous indignation, or innocent victimhood.)
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Page 10