The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

by John Gottman, Ph. D.

  1.

  I have been very stressed and irritable.

  Yes, Definitely

  Maybe a Little

  2.

  I have not expressed much appreciation toward my spouse.

  Yes, Definitely

  Maybe a Little

  3.

  I have been overly sensitive.

  Yes, Definitely

  Maybe a Little

  4.

  I have been overly critical.

  Yes, Definitely

  Maybe a Little

  5.

  I have not shared very much of my inner world.

  Yes, Definitely

  Maybe a Little

  6.

  I have been depressed.

  Yes, Definitely

  Maybe a Little

  7.

  I would say that I have a chip on my shoulder.

  Yes, Definitely

  Maybe a Little

  8.

  I have not been very affectionate.

  Yes, Definitely

  Maybe a Little

  9.

  I have not been a very good listener.

  Yes, Definitely

  Maybe a Little

  10.

  I have been feeling a bit like a martyr.

  Yes, Definitely

  Maybe a Little

  Overall, my contribution to this mess was:

  How can I make this better in the future?

  What one thing could my partner do next time to avoid this problem?

  As you work through the exercises above, you’ll become more adept at turning toward each other regularly, and the bond of camaraderie with your spouse will deepen. This more profound friendship will be a powerful shield against conflict. It may not forestall every argument, but it can prevent your differences of opinion from overwhelming your relationship. One of the ways friendship does this is by helping to balance the power between husband and wife. When you honor and respect each other, you’re usually able to appreciate each other’s point of view, even if you don’t agree with it. When there’s an imbalance of power, there’s almost inevitably a great deal of marital distress.

  My next principle focuses on what can happen if one spouse is unwilling to share power with the other—and how to overcome this difficulty. Although power-mongering is more common in husbands, there are wives who have just as hard a time acceding to their spouse’s wishes, so my fourth principle really applies to everybody.

  6

  Principle 4:

  Let Your Partner Influence You

  Jack was considering buying a used blue Honda. The car seemed like a great deal since the seller, Phil, had only owned it for a month. The car was for sale because Phil’s company was suddenly transferring him to London. Jack liked the car’s handling and power, not to mention the state-of-the-art sound system. He was ready to do a deal, but first, he told Phil, he wanted a mechanic to check the car. “Why?” said Phil. “It’s really a new car. It only has three hundred miles, and you get the manufacturer’s warranty.”

  “True,” said Jack, “but I promised my wife I wouldn’t buy a car without having it inspected first.”

  Phil gave Jack a withering look. “You let your wife tell you what to do about cars?” he asked.

  “Sure,” said Jack. “Don’t you?”

  “Well, no. I don’t—didn’t. I’m divorced,” said Phil.

  “Well,” Jack chuckled. “Maybe that’s why.”

  Jack had the car checked by his mechanic, and it turned out that the rear bumper needed to be replaced, so he never bought Phil’s car. But more importantly, he never bought Phil’s attitude toward women. Jack has made his wife a partner in his decision making. He respects and honors his wife and her opinions and feelings. He understands that for his marriage to thrive, he has to share the driver’s seat.

  There was a time when Phil’s macho attitude wasn’t necessarily a liability for a husband. But our data suggest that this is no longer the case. In our long-term study of 130 newlywed couples, now in its eighth year, we have found that, even in the first few months of marriage, men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages and are less likely to divorce than men who resist their wives’ influence. Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct.

  Obviously, it takes two to make or break a marriage, so we’re not singling out men here. The point of this chapter is not to scold, bash, or insult men. It’s certainly just as important for wives to treat their husbands with honor and respect. But my data indicate that the vast majority of wives—even in unstable marriages—already do that. This doesn’t mean that they don’t get angry and even contemptuous of their husbands. It just means that they let their husbands influence their decision making by taking their opinions and feelings into account. But too often men do not return the favor.

  “ANYTHING YOU SAY, DEAR”?

  That was the sound bite that some members of the media used, erroneously, to sum up my study on accepting influence. It was parodied on Saturday Night Live, pilloried by Rush Limbaugh, and picked on by Bill Maher, the host of Politically Incorrect. I got the biggest chuckle from one newspaper cartoon that depicted Saddam Hussein’s wife asking him to take out the garbage and him refusing until she held a machine gun to his head and he finally said, “Yes, dear.”

  Our study didn’t really find that men should give up all of their personal power and let their wives rule their lives. But we did find that the happiest, most stable marriages in the long run were those where the husband treated his wife with respect and did not resist power sharing and decision making with her. When the couple disagreed, these husbands actively searched for common ground rather than insisting on getting their way.

  To arrive at these findings, we looked intently at what happened when these newlyweds discussed an area of conflict and also when they talked about the history of their romance. When we analyzed the data, we were struck by a significant gender difference. Although the wives would sometimes express anger or other negative emotions toward their husbands, they rarely responded to their husbands by increasing the negativity. Most of them either tried to tone it down or matched it. So if a husband said, “You’re not listening to me!” the wife would usually say something like “Sorry, I’m listening now” (a repair that tones down the negativity) or “I’m finding it hard to listen to you!” which matched her husband’s anger but didn’t go beyond it.

  But 65 percent of the men did not take either of these approaches. Instead, their response escalated their wives’ negativity. They did this in a very specific way: by trotting out one of the four horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling). If the wife of one of these men said, “You’re not listening to me!” the husband would either ignore her (stonewall), be defensive (“Yes, I am!”), be critical (“I don’t listen because what you say never makes any sense”), or be contemptuous (“Why waste my time?”). Using one of the four horsemen to escalate a conflict is a telltale sign that a man is resisting his wife’s influence.

  Rather than acknowledging his wife’s feelings, this husband is using the four horsemen to drown her out, to obliterate her point of view. This is the opposite of accepting her influence. One way or another, this approach leads to instability in the marriage. Even if the husband doesn’t react this way very often, there’s an 81 percent chance that his marriage will be damaged.

  Although it is always important for both husband and wife to try to keep the four horsemen from taking over in times of conflict, it is especially important that men be aware of the danger to their marriage when they use one of them to escalate the negativity. For some reason, when a wife uses the four horsemen in the same manner, the marriage does not become more unstable. At this point, the data do not offer an explanation for this disparity. But we know that as a general rule women do accept influence from their husbands, which may help to explain the gender
differences in our findings. So although it certainly makes sense for both partners to avoid escalating conflicts in this way, the bottom line is that husbands put their marriage at added risk when they do.

  SIGNS OF RESISTANCE

  I’ve met enough angry husbands and sparred with enough angry radio talk show hosts to know that some men are quite up front in their refusal to share power with their wives. Even in these days of gender equity there are still husbands who simply refuse to consider any opinions their wives air, and never take their feelings or ideas into account when making decisions.

  Some men claim that religious conviction requires them to be in control of their marriages and, by extension, their wives. But there’s no religion I know of that says a man should be a bully. I am not advocating a particular spiritual belief system about the roles of men and women. Our research has included couples who believe the man should be the head of the family as well as couples who hold egalitarian viewpoints. In both kinds of marriages, emotionally intelligent husbands have figured out the one big thing: how to convey honor and respect. All spiritual views of life are consistent with loving and honoring your spouse. And that’s what accepting influence is all about. After all, do you really want to make decisions that leave your wife feeling disrespected? Is that really consistent with religious beliefs? It is not.

  This was brought home to me by a colleague, Dana Kehr, who is a Mormon bishop. Traditional Mormon doctrine exalts patriarchy. It holds that the husband should make all decisions for the family. But Kehr and his wife have an emotionally intelligent marriage. Kehr says he sees no conflict between his beliefs and accepting influence from his wife. He told me, “I wouldn’t think about making a decision she disagreed with. That would be very disrespectful. We talk and talk about it till we both agree, and then I make the decision.” Kehr intuitively realizes that a marriage can’t work unless both partners honor and respect each other. That’s true whatever your belief system.

  In many cases, I suspect, men who resist letting their wives influence them are not even aware of this tendency. There are men who consider themselves feminists who interact with their wives in ways that belie this label. Case in point: a hardworking software engineer named Chad. If you asked him in the abstract his view on gender roles, he’d come out squarely on the side of a fifty-fifty marriage. But that’s not what was playing out in the new home into which he and his wife Martha just moved. One night he announced that he would have to work late that Thursday. Martha reminded him that her mother was coming to visit on Friday and that she was counting on him to help her clean the house and get the guest room ready. “I’m really upset with you,” Martha said bluntly. “Don’t you remember that my mother is coming? Why can’t you shift your schedule around?”

  “Why didn’t you remember I have this big project due? There’s no way I can change my schedule. I have to work—maybe even the entire weekend,” said Chad. His response upped the ante. First he was defensive—instead of responding to Martha’s complaint, he volleyed back a complaint of his own: Why didn’t she remember his schedule? Then he threatened her by suggesting that he would have to work even more than he had initially said. This was really a kind of belligerence. He goaded her in “here’s mud in your eye” style.

  Martha became furious. She called him a lot of unfortunate names and stormed out of the room. Chad felt like he had just been victimized. After all, he had to work. As usual, her fury seemed to have come out of nowhere. His heart started racing, and his head was pounding. He had become flooded, which made it difficult to think about the problem clearly or come up with a solution. All he wanted was to escape from his wife’s unfair, irrational attitude. He certainly wasn’t in the mood to find a compromise. So, feeling victimized, he poured himself a beer and turned on the TV. When Martha came back into the room, wanting to talk, he simply ignored her. When she started to cry, he left the room and announced he was going to bed early.

  There’s certainly plenty of blame to go around in this scene. Martha’s harsh startup didn’t exactly put Chad in the mood for compromise. But there is a history to Martha’s reaction. Her mother lived in Canada and she rarely got to see her. Martha had been planning this visit for a month and had talked to Chad on many occasions about how excited she was to show her mother their new house and to have her finally get to spend time with her two grandchildren.

  When Chad announced matter-of-factly that he would be working late, without even acknowledging the impact it would have on his mother-in-law’s visit, it became clear to Martha that Chad didn’t even remember that her mother was coming. Or if he did remember, it was such a low priority for him that he didn’t consider his working to be in any way a crisis. He had arrived at his decision without discussing the problem with her first. Because Chad had a history of being “in his own world,” as Martha described it, she went ballistic as soon as he made his announcement.

  When a couple have an argument like this, there are so many accusations and counteraccusations that sometimes it can be hard to determine the underlying cause. In the case of Martha and Chad, though, there’s a glaring clue that the fundamental problem is his unwillingness to be influenced by her: When she becomes negative (“I’m really upset with you”—a straightforward complaint), he responds by escalating the conflict. In come belligerence and the third horseman, defensiveness. Martha becomes furious and Chad becomes flooded, which leads him to stonewall—the fourth horseman. Their marriage has just taken a nasty tumble down the cascade toward divorce.

  Think of how differently Martha and Chad would be feeling if, instead of getting defensive, Chad had apologized to Martha and acknowledged that he had been feeling so overwhelmed at work that he really had forgotten about her mother’s imminent visit. Or if, after this row, Chad had attempted some repair. Martha might still have been upset, but she wouldn’t have felt devalued by Chad. If he had listened to her vent her anger without being defensive or belligerent, she might have calmed down. Then together they could have come up with a solution to the problem.

  Accepting influence doesn’t mean never expressing negative emotions toward your partner. Marriages can survive plenty of flashes of anger, complaints, even criticisms. Trying to suppress negative feelings in your spouse’s presence wouldn’t be good for your marriage or your blood pressure. The problem comes when even mild dissatisfaction on the wife’s part is met by a barrage from her husband that, instead of toning down or at the most matching her degree of negativity (yelling back, complaining, etc.), goes beyond it.

  * * *

  The wives of men who accept their influence are far less likely to be harsh with their husbands when broaching a difficult marital topic. This increases the odds their marriage will thrive.

  * * *

  Any man who isn’t sold on the need to accept his wife’s influence more should consider the many pluses. Studies have shown that marriages where the husband resists sharing power are four times more likely to end or drone on unhappily than marriages where the husband does not resist. We see again and again that when the man shares power, the four horsemen aren’t so prevalent. In large part this is because his wife is far less likely to use a harsh startup when she’s upset. Because she’s not angered, frustrated, or humiliated by her husband, she is apt to begin difficult discussions without being critical or contemptuous.

  Another reason these marriages fare so well is that they have a firm foundation for compromising. After all, the better able you are to listen to what your spouse has to say and to consider her perspective respectfully, the more likely it is that you’ll be able to come up with a solution or approach to a problem that satisfies you both. If your ears are closed to your spouse’s needs, opinions, and values, compromise just doesn’t have a chance.

  WHAT HUSBANDS CAN LEARN FROM WIVES

  Perhaps most importantly, when a husband accepts his wife’s influence, his open attitude also heightens the positive in his relationship by strengthening his friendship with his wife. This w
ill make it far easier for him to follow the first three principles: deepening his love map, bolstering fondness and admiration, and turning toward his wife as a matter of course.

  This occurs not just because the absence of frequent power struggles makes the marriage more pleasurable, but because such a husband is open to learning from his wife. And there’s no doubt that women have plenty to teach men about friendship. In his book The Complete Book of Guys, Dave Barry writes about the huge gap between men and women in this regard. He recounts that every year he and his wife get together with some old friends. The wives immediately begin an intense catching-up conversation about their inner feelings. He and the other husband watch the playoffs. The men do get emotional at times—usually when deciding which kind of pizza to order. Later, when the couples have parted company, Barry’s wife will say something like “Isn’t it amazing how well George has adjusted to having his leg amputated?” And Barry will pretend that of course he had noticed George was missing a leg. Barry is exaggerating, but the story is funny because it reveals a basic truth: Women are more oriented toward discussing and understanding feelings than are men.