Afterburn: a novel

by Zane

  Chance was standing in the pulpit, holding out her hand to me. I stood up slowly, willing my knees not to give up underneath me. Mom and Dad were flanking me on both sides in the pew and the safety net was suddenly invisible as I somehow managed to make it up there and face everyone.

  Many of the faces I recognized and many I didn’t. They’d run the story about Rayne’s murder on all the local television stations but had no leads on finding her killer. Obviously a young punk who had no value for life; especially his own. I would’ve given anything to get my hands on him at that moment and would’ve given even more to get Rayne back. I’m sure the poor man who’d lost his wife and child in the same massacre felt the same way. Their double funeral had been the day before.

  Many strangers had come to pay their respects to the beautiful young woman who had lost her life for no reason. The young woman who’d finalized her wedding chart and the menu with the caterer mere hours before she was gunned down like an animal.

  “Do you need me to stay up here with you?” Chance whispered.

  “No, I’ll be fine.”

  As Chance descended the steps to take a seat, I found myself staring at Rayne’s casket. It was now closed but the memories of her wake both haunted me and gave me pause to reflect on her beauty. It was her mother’s idea to bury Rayne in her wedding dress. At first, I was opposed but then both she and Chance convinced me that it was what Rayne would’ve desired. That dress meant so much to her; she’d put forth so much time and effort to find the perfect one. Perfect it was; like she was to me.

  Chance sat next to Rayne’s mother and placed her arm around her. The death of her only child had devastated her. She was merely a shell of the woman she once was. I’d made all of the funeral arrangements because I knew she could never handle them.

  I cleared my throat, made a fist with my right hand, and pressed it down on the podium in anger. “This isn’t supposed to be happening,” I said, speaking softly at first into the microphone. “I’d like to thank everyone for coming here today. It sounds crazy to say that because a month from now, I would’ve been standing up in a banquet hall not far from here, at my wedding reception, thanking everyone for coming to witness my marriage to the woman I love.”

  I paused and looked at all my boys, sitting there together in the third pew, with tears in all of their eyes. We’d been through so much together since our youth; in the heat of the moment, they were always there for me. This was no exception.

  “I do love Rayne,” I continued. “And even though she is gone, in the physical sense, she’ll always exist right here.” I placed my left hand over my chest. “Right here, in my heart. Rayne loved her life and everyone and everything in it. She had her ups and downs, her disappointments, but she kept everything in the right perspective. She…” I searched for the right word for a second. “She appreciated life; even when it let her down.”

  Rayne’s mother started flailing her arms in the air and screamed, “I’m so sorry, baby! I’m so sorry I wasn’t a better momma!”

  Chance managed to calm her. At least she knew that she’d been the cause of much pain in Rayne’s life.

  “More than anything in this world, I wanted to be Rayne’s husband. I wanted to be the father of her children. I wanted to watch her age, get gray hair and wrinkles, get dentures, walk with a cane; whatever life held in store for her. To me, she would’ve always been lovely; no matter what.” I stared at her coffin again, the white ivory one with brass handles and a huge arrangement of pink roses. “But God had other plans for Rayne. For whatever the reasons, He had her venture into that store the other day, and now she’s with Him.”

  I grasped onto the podium with both hands because I felt like I might collapse. “Everyone, each and every one of you, need to appreciate your lives. Don’t let a single day pass without telling someone you love them. Better yet, don’t simply be about words. Show someone that you love them; be it an effortless gesture or even a hug or kiss. Let them know that they’re loved. Rayne and I wasted a lot of time; before and after we became a couple. We wasted a lot of time in the beginning thinking that we were both tied down with someone else. We wasted a lot of time getting caught up in other people’s problems and letting them cause us problems in return. I wish that she and I could get all that time back. I wish that we could start over. I would’ve spoken to her the first day I laid eyes on her in the bank. I would’ve asked her to share a cup of coffee or a couple of bagels.” I found myself grinning as I recalled Rayne pretending to meet me in the bagel store instead of on her job. “Life truly is short; whether you live ten years or a hundred. Sooner or later, it’s taken away. Live it so you have no regrets when your time comes.”

  I daydreamed during the entire repast in the church meeting hall. People came up to me constantly expressing their regrets. But they all seemed to blend together for me. Chance tried to force-feed me but I refused. I doubted that I’d ever have a real appetite again. Nothing would ever be the same for me. Food wouldn’t taste the same. The sun wouldn’t shine the same. My practice meant nothing to me. My life meant nothing to me. All I could think about was Rayne Waters. The way she smiled. The way she smelled. The way she tripped over her own feet all the time. The devilish grin she gave me when she was up to something sneaky. The way she screamed out my name when we made love.

  “Earth to Yardley.”

  I glanced beside me to see Rayne’s mother sitting there. She placed her hand on my arm.

  “How are you holding up?” I asked her.

  Arjay shrugged. “As well as can be expected. I’m gonna miss my baby girl so much.”

  “That makes two of us.”

  She looked across the room where Chance was being held up against a wall by Ricky. Chance’s eyes were practically swollen shut. Her parents had come into town for the funeral and they were standing nearby; probably feeling helpless as far as coming to her aid. My parents had sat beside me during the service and the interment at the cemetery. Now they were busy, working the room, expressing their gratitude to everyone for their support.

  “Chance is gonna really have a hard time,” Arjay said. “They’ve been best friends for so long.”

  “Rayne loved Chance like a sister,” I agreed. “There was nothing they wouldn’t do for each other.”

  Felix and the rest of my crew were sitting at a table together, whispering quietly among themselves. I knew they’d try to cheer me up, in some way, but no matter what plan they conspired to pull off, it wouldn’t work.

  “Arjay, do you think Rayne is watching over us now?”

  She grinned. “I certainly hope so. I sure need someone to watch over me. I wish I’d been a better mother.”

  I suddenly felt sorry for the woman who’d once been so determined to cause havoc in my relationship with Rayne. The one Rayne had tried to help by sending her to a rehabilitation clinic, only to have her turn right back to alcohol.

  “Were you the best mother you knew how to be?”

  “Yes, I did the best I could.”

  “Then, let it go. Don’t blame yourself for anything. This is the fault of one person, one idiot, who I hope is caught before he destroys someone else’s life.”

  “Still no leads, huh?” she asked.

  “None that I’ve heard of. I can tell you this much. If they do catch him and he somehow manages to get off lightly, I’ll kill him with my bare hands.”

  She didn’t respond; only stared at me. “Yardley, promise me one thing.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Promise me that you’ll love again.”

  I let out a heavy sigh. “That’s one promise I definitely can’t make. I could never love someone else the way I loved Rayne. She was the one; the only one.”

  “But you have so much to give to a woman.”

  “There’s nothing another woman can do for me. Not now; not ever.”

  After everyone else was long gone, I went back to the cemetery to stand over Rayne’s grave. The diggers hadn’t fini
shed covering up her remains. I looked down in the hole where a few of us had sprinkled dirt earlier and finally released all the tears from their prison.

  I got down on my knees as storm clouds began gathering above the funeral home tent.

  “Rayne, I don’t know why you were taken away from me but I know that my love for you will never die. You’ve taken the biggest part of me with you; my heart. When you look at that diamond on your finger while you’re in heaven, remember. Remember our love. Remember everything we were; everything we could’ve been. For I will always, always, remember you.”

  Epilogue

  Charlotte, North Carolina

  Two Years Later

  “Doctor Brown!” I could hear someone shouting my name but couldn’t see them through all the congestion at the baggage claim area in the Charlotte airport. “Doctor Yardley Brown!”

  A tall, leggy woman pushed her way through the people waiting patiently for their bags at turnstile C. She was dark-skinned with her hair pushed back in a bun and wore glasses.

  “Looking for me?” I asked her when I realized she was standing there glaring at me.

  She looked down at a page torn out of a magazine—medical journal to be exact—and back up at me. “I guess this is you in the picture but you look different,” she commented.

  I held out my hand. “May I see that?” She handed it to me and it was a picture of me from several years earlier. I barely recognized myself. It was an article I’d written as part of my educational requirements. I chuckled. “I was much younger in this photo.”

  She smiled, exposing a perfect set of teeth. “Well, none of us are cheating time.” She offered her hand for a shake. “I’m Doctor Solitaire Baker-Reynolds; an associate of Doctor Thompson’s.”

  I shook her hand. “Doctor Yardley Brown, but you knew that much already.”

  We both laughed.

  “Welcome to North Carolina. First time here?”

  “Not at all. Most African-Americans have deep roots in the south; especially North Carolina. In my case, I attended college here. North Carolina Central.”

  “True. At least the ones on the East Coast. Have you gotten your bags already?” she asked.

  I pointed to the garment bag at my feet. “Yes, I’m all set.”

  We walked to the parking garage in almost complete silence. It was strange because our initial words had been so lighthearted and friendly. She was driving a Volkswagen Touareg and I tossed my bag into the back.

  We were out of the garage and getting on the highway when I couldn’t take the quiet any longer. She didn’t have on the radio or anything and you could’ve heard a squirrel run under the SUV.

  “So, Doctor Solitaire Baker-Reynolds, that sure is a long name. I take it that you’re married.”

  I’d seen the wedding ring on her finger so I already knew the answer; between that and the hyphenated surname. At least, I thought I did.

  “Actually, I’m a widow. My husband was killed in an auto accident during my pregnancy.”

  “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.”

  She gave me a sideways glance. “You have nothing to be sorry for. It wasn’t your fault.”

  I let out a laugh and instantly regretted the implications of it. “I’m sorry; about the laugh, that is. It’s just that I understand where you’re coming from. I’ve spoken those same words so many times over the last couple of years.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes.” I took a deep breath, debating about whether I even felt like discussing Rayne. It was still so painful for me. “My fiancée, Rayne, was murdered shortly before our wedding date.”

  “Oh, my God! That’s horrible!”

  “Yes, it was horrible.”

  There was a pause while we both gathered our thoughts. Certainly, her loss was as devastating as mine, so we were two souls left behind.

  “You said you were pregnant when your husband was killed?” I asked her.

  “Yes. I have a little boy, named Jeremy after his father.”

  “How old?”

  “He’s nine, going on ninety. He thinks he’s going to be the next Bill Gates.”

  “Hey, there’s nothing wrong with aspiring toward a goal like that. There could be much worse things.”

  “True, but try having a nine-year-old asking you for all of your receipts and duplicate checks so he can keep track of them on his accounting software.”

  I chuckled. “That is pretty funny.”

  “He’s a mess but he gives me reason to live.”

  “Well, it’s always great to have a reason to live.”

  We chatted for the rest of the way to Doctor Thompson’s Sports and Medicine Clinic in downtown Charlotte. He’d flown me into town in hopes of convincing me to take a position there. While I’d lived in the D.C. area the majority of my life, things had never been the same for me since Rayne’s death. Felix, Dwayne, and Mike tried to hook me up with women right and left. They couldn’t understand that replacing Rayne wasn’t as easy as one, two, three. For me, there was no replacement.

  Doctor Thompson, whom I’d met several years earlier, did still look exactly the same. The lucky ones never seem to age. He was in his midfifties and had more than twenty thousand patients on the record for his clinic. There were three other doctors working there, including Solitaire, and he felt it time to add a fourth.

  He greeted me with a bear hug and led me into his office, after thanking Solitaire for giving me a ride. After we took seats, he gave me his best speech.

  “Yardley, we could really use you down in these parts. Business is booming and Charlotte is becoming a progressive city; it’s growing by leaps and bounds.”

  “Yes, I know. The news has spread up North and I’ve heard of a lot of people moving this way, down to Charlotte and on down to Atlanta.”

  “Charlotte’s great, but I’ll always be a Giants fan,” he said with a grin.

  “That’s right,” I said. “You’re originally from New York.”

  He laughed. “How could you forget? My accent still hasn’t left me after all these years. I get many jokes about it from Southerners whose accents are just as humorous to me.”

  “Well, I hope that I don’t develop a drawl. I managed to get through college without one.”

  He got serious and stared at me. “So, you’re considering it?”

  “In all honesty, starting over might be the change that I need,” I admitted. “I guess you heard what happened.”

  “Yes, and I’m truly sorry.”

  I started to tell him that he had nothing to be sorry about but remembered my earlier conversation with Solitaire. Instead, I said, “Thanks.”

  “How about I give you a tour? That’s always a good place to start.”

  “Fine by me.”

  “And don’t forget that the cost of living is lower down here; an added bonus.”

  “You sure are laying it on thick,” I stated jokingly.

  “Got to give it a hundred percent effort.”

  Doctor Thompson gave me a lot to think about that afternoon. He dropped me off at the Marriott and invited me to dinner. I accepted and decided to catch a quick nap before he came back for me.

  I laid down, closed my eyes, and dreamed of Rayne. I woke up to a knock on the door three hours later. Expecting it to be Doctor Thompson, I didn’t bother to put on my shirt.

  “I apologize. I overslept. Give me a few—”

  Solitaire stood in the doorway, looking much different than earlier. Her hair was cascading down her shoulders and she had on a shapely black dress with open-toe high heels.

  “He asked me to come pick you up,” she stated uneasily, staring at my bare chest. “I hope you don’t mind.”

  “No…No, come on in.” I moved aside so she could enter. “I didn’t realize you were joining us for dinner.”

  “Well, I certainly hope you’re not disappointed.” She pouted. “He thought it would be a good idea, since we might be working so closely together in the near future.”<
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  “Are the other doctors coming as well?”

  “Strangely enough, no, not to my knowledge.” She giggled. “Maybe he expects me to try to persuade you in some way.”

  She sat down on the bed and I rushed into the bathroom, where I had to confront what I physically couldn’t control. Solitaire Baker-Reynolds had sexually excited me. But it was more than that. What was it?

  To be continued in:

  Solitaire: Afterburn 2

  Wasting Time

  A Commentary by Zane

  I know right now a lot of my readers are wondering why I chose to kill Rayne Waters off in the novel; something I have never done to a main character in my previous works. The answer is simple: I wanted to show how precious life is and how important it is to live every single day to the fullest while you still have an opportunity.

  When it comes right down to it, this novel was about one thing: wasting time. Too many of us waste time on insignificant things that, ultimately, do not matter. At the end of our lives, are we really going to care about trifling behavior of our friends and relatives? Are we really going to care about how much our clothes cost and what material possessions we owned? Are we really going to entertain the kind of shallow thoughts so many people do on a daily basis? Who looks better? Who makes more money? Who this and who that?

  I loved the Rayne character for many reasons. She was full of life, compassionate, and she was a sister who had her head on straight. But she also had demons she was battling within herself because of her mother’s promiscuity. It was hard for me to kill her off but the fact remains that some of us do die young. Rayne will never see her thirtieth birthday, much like a beautiful cousin of mine who died the same year that I lost my firstborn daughter, who never really had a chance to live at all. Rayne and Yardley both wasted a lot of time on people who could not love them the way they deserved to be loved; as many of us do.