by Rhonda Shaw
“Oh, please. I’m not that pathetic.” I scoffed, embarrassed to admit the pitiful truth.
The sad fact was, however, even before the horrid night at The Sanctuary, there had been many signs I needed to remove Danny from my life, and I ignored all of them, even at the expense of my safety.
Kat sat up and grabbed my hands. “Gabby, it’s okay to have feelings for him, because I know you do, and I know one day hasn’t gone by all these years where you haven’t thought about him. And you know as well as I do that he still has feelings for you. There’s no way you guys could go from inseparable one day to a clean cut like you did. Something went down.”
Restless and twitchy, I got up, needing to move. “I don’t want to go through this again. He made his choice, and now we’ve both moved on, whether you want to believe it or not.” I pinned Kat with a narrowed look. “Now, we have a shared interest in Dani, but she is still my responsibility, and he doesn’t need to be dragged down into the day-to-day business of it.”
Kat sighed her disagreement before she took a sip of her wine. “Okay. It’s your decision, but just do me a favor, all right?”
“What?”
She stood and took her time walking into the small kitchen to dump the rest of her Pinot Grigio. She returned to the living room and wrapped me in a hug. “Don’t lie to yourself anymore, honey. Let yourself be happy.”
“What does that mean? I am happy,” I insisted, even though I was lying through my teeth.
She pulled back and gave me a sad smile. “You’ll know when the time comes. There’s a lot to work through and get past, but you will, and you’ll know.”
Chapter 13
~ Gabrielle ~
Six Years Earlier
Danny and I left the restaurant holding hands, and walked to his car. Getting in, he started the engine before sitting back.
“Where to?”
“I don’t know. Let’s go to the park. It’s nice there.”
He glanced out the window at the light snow falling, signaling the soon approaching winter. “It’s too cold to sit by the water.”
I smiled. “I didn’t say we had to get out.”
He put the car into drive. “Okay. Your wish is my command.”
Crossing the bridge, he drove around until he found a space hidden from view, something he did every time we parked out here. It was rare for the police to cruise the island, their attention needed in higher crime areas, but he wanted to be sure that we remained undisturbed.
He backed in and shifted into park before switching the radio from the all rap station to one playing soft tunes and turning down the volume. We both opened our doors and climbed into the backseat, sitting close. I grabbed his hand in mine and tilted my head to rest on his shoulder.
“Are you cold?” he asked.
“No, I’m okay.” We gazed out the front window in silence, watching the falling snow. It was so peaceful. “It’s pretty, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, until you have to drive in the crap.” I chuckled and snuggled against his side. He draped his arm around me to pull me closer to him. “I was hoping you were cold.”
I lifted my head. “Oh yeah? Why’s that?”
“So, I had an excuse to put my hands on you…to help you warm up, obviously.”
“An excuse, huh? You know you don’t need an excuse.”
I leaned in and caught his mouth with mine. Our lips lingered before restraint broke and he increased the demand of the kiss. Our breaths ratcheted up to pants and gasps as the heat between us flared, the intensity of which always caught me by surprise. His fingers fisted in my hair as he angled my head and deepened the kiss. Our tongues tangled before I retreated, catching his lower lip between my teeth with a gentle nip, loving the way he moaned.
Empowered by his response, I shifted, straddling his lap, and recaptured his mouth as his hands squeezed my behind before grabbing my hips when I rocked against him, pulses of pleasure rippling out from my core. My fingers scraped through his short hair, and when I sat back, I noticed the air in the car had become heavy, fogging the windows to envelope us in our own little safe and warm cocoon.
Growing more confident every time I was with him, I trailed my lips along his neck, wanting to taste him everywhere, and loving his stifled groans whenever my mouth landed on his skin, making me wonder what other reactions I could pull from him. I unzipped his hooded gray sweatshirt under his black puffy jacket, pushing both away to reveal a white tank. Energized by the fact he hadn’t stopped me, which was his usual, claiming he didn’t want to rush me despite my protests that I was more than ready, I ran my hands down his hard chest, following with light nips when I spotted the ink on his shoulder. Curiosity piqued, I studied the design, trying to figure out what it was, when I recognized it was an old English-styled “D” with a padlock. I outlined the lines of the lock with my fingertips as he watched.
“What’s this?”
“A tattoo.”
I swatted his arm as I laughed, and he smiled. “I know that. What I mean is, why did you get this?”
“It’s a reminder.”
My eyes met his and my brows puckered, unable to understand his meaning. “Reminder of what?”
“That I need to look out for myself. That nobody else will.”
I sat back on his thighs, putting space between us. “Does this apply to me?”
“No.” He wrapped his arms around me to pull me back. “You’re the only real thing in my life.”
“Who then?”
He sighed and shifted. “Let it go, G.”
“Does it have to do with your parents?”
I regretted the question as soon as it fell past my lips, understanding I’d crossed the invisible line when his body stiffened underneath mine and his arms fell away.
“Drop it.”
I was suddenly very tired of him always hiding things from me. He never talked about his past or his parents, and changed the subject whenever I asked. I was sick of our relationship being one-sided, where he refused to tell me anything while I bared all. Even though his home life was less than ideal, I didn’t understand why he refused to talk about it. It wouldn’t change my feelings for him.
My face tightened, and I shoved away to sit back on the seat next to him, crossing my arms.
“What?” he said, his irritation clear.
“Why won’t you tell me anything?”
“Because there’s nothing to tell!”
“Yes, there is! I know nothing about your parents. I’ve never met your dad, and I’ve never even seen where you live.”
“Trust me, G. You don’t want to know, and you definitely don’t want to meet my father. He’s an asshole.” He scowled at me. “Besides, it has nothing to do with you and me.”
“Yes, it does! It’s part of you, who you are.”
He ripped up the zipper of his sweatshirt in frustration, and, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, scratched his fingers through his hair as he took a deep breath.
“My mom left when I was a baby. She said she couldn’t handle it and took off. My dad, well, he reminds me every day how I ruined his life and what a worthless piece of shit I am.”
I reached out a hand to touch his arm, but he brushed it away.
“Stop. I don’t want you feeling sorry for me, and I don’t want your goddamn pity.”
“Danny—”
“I’m telling you because you demanded to know, and I’m tired of you always asking and getting pissy when I refuse to say anything.” His eyes were cold and hard. “I’m laying it all out here so you can do whatever you want with it. This tattoo—” he pointed at his shoulder, “—is a reminder of how someone can take your heart out and stomp the shit out of it. My mom; she left, she didn’t care, and she still doesn’t. My dad, he hates me. End of story.”
“He doesn’t hate you…,” I murmured, not believing that could be true.
He gave a quick snort. “Oh, Jesus, G. Yes, he does, I have no doubt about that. He’s a
lazy drunk. He won a disability suit somehow, and now he waits for his checks to come in the mail so he can restock his booze and score weed. That’s all he does. That, and tell me every day what a waste I am. He screws a different whore every night, and each one of them hopes he’ll take a liking to them so they can live off his crooked money and get high. If the broom is outside the door, I need to crash someplace else.”
My eyes widened with shock, not able to comprehend what he was telling me. I would never treat an animal so poorly, let alone my child. “Where do you go?”
He shrugged. “Sometimes I sleep in the car. Sometimes at Big T’s. His mom’s cool, but I try not to overstay my welcome. There’s an apartment over the garage, and I crash there when I can.”
“Do you want to find your mom?”
He thought for a moment before shaking his head. “No. She left, and she hasn’t tried to find me, so it’s obvious she doesn’t care. I mean, if I had a kid, I would go to the ends of the earth for him. Nothing would stop me. I don’t understand how anyone could turn their back on their kid like that. So, no, I don’t want to meet her.”
I scooted over, putting my arms around his neck, but he pulled away again. “Stop pushing me away!”
“I said I don’t want your fucking sympathy.”
I understood he was trying to protect himself, no doubt feeling exposed and vulnerable from what he’d shared, but I refused to let him turn me away. “Well, too bad! I love you and you’re going to get it. I’m sorry you have to go through this, but I don’t feel sorry for you.”
“What’s the difference?”
“I love you, Danny, and that means when you hurt, I hurt, but I’m not disappointed in you or think any less of you.” He eyed me before he relaxed against the back of the seat, allowing me to nestle against him. “I’m sorry. It isn’t fair.”
“Yeah, well, life isn’t fucking fair.”
I shook him. “Come on, Danny. Stop putting your wall up with me. This doesn’t change anything.”
A few minutes passed before his arms wrapped around me and everything was right again. “I’m not used to anyone caring.”
“I care…a lot.”
“I’m starting to believe it.”
“It’s about time.”
“It’s hard for me to believe.” His eyes were still full of wariness, but behind the guardedness was a small glimmer of hope. And trust.
“And now I understand why.”
He leaned in for a soft kiss. “You’re too good for me, G.”
“Then let me be good for you. Stop putting up the walls between us. Stop trying to protect me.”
“It’s for your own good, believe me. You’re better off not knowing this, how fucked up everything is.”
“Let me be the judge.” I paused for a moment, gauging his mood. He was still edgy, but since he’d opened up about his parents, perhaps he would about other things. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Anything.”
“And you’ll tell me the truth?”
He hesitated, but then nodded.
“A while back, I was talking to Kat, and she warned me about you.”
He smirked. “Did she?”
“She said you’d gotten messed up with some people and you never knew when they would try to get paybacks, as she called it. What was she talking about?”
He hissed a breath through his nose before clearing his throat. “It’s just the way it is around here, G. You get in the middle of something and piss the wrong person off…you never know how they will react. Have I pissed people off? Hell yeah. Am I going to stop living my life because of it? Hell no.”
“And?”
“And—” he shrugged, “—just like Kat said. You never know when they might try to get paybacks, if that’s what they want.”
“And that’s why you carry a gun?”
“One reason. You can never let your guard down in this hood, G. That’s what I keep trying to tell you. It may seem quiet, but there’s a lot going on you can’t see.”
I stared out the front windshield, filled with cracks and chinks, and now covered by a light dusting of snow. I didn’t understand how everyone walked around every day acting as if nothing was amiss if, at the same time, needing to look over their shoulders and tote guns. To act carefree and unconcerned wasn’t logical to me.
“How are you not stressed out about this?”
He actually smiled. “Used to it.” His eyes passed over my face. “Hey, what are you thinking?”
“I don’t…” I stopped as I shook my head. Trying to make sense of everything made my mind go numb and unable to process the information. “I don’t know what to think.”
“Are you scared?”
“Well, yeah. Aren’t you?”
He shifted toward me, taking my hands in his, his sharp blue eyes intense. “You have nothing to be scared about. I won’t let anything happen to you.”
“I’m worried for you, not me,” I told him, which was the truth. He was in the middle of whatever, not me.
Danny took a deep breath. “Listen, you need to decide. This is the way my life is. I told you it would be better if you stayed away from me, and I’m giving you the choice again. Walk away now, or this is the way it will be until we can get out of here.”
“But—”
“No buts. Choose now, G. This is how it is, and I can’t change any of it.”
The first flutters of panic flickered at his words, an irrational reaction which I tried to fight, but didn’t succeed. “But I don’t understand. I’m worried about you, so now I have to choose whether to be with you or not? Why do you keep putting this on me? It’s like you want me to break up with you or something.”
“You’re finding out stuff about my life I didn’t want to expose you to. Now that you’ve heard it, you’re free to go. I’d fucking run, if I were you.” Danny shifted, opening the distance between us, which felt expansive even in the small confines of his backseat, cold air blasting me from the space he vacated.
I frowned, angered by his retreat, and reached out, but he backed away. I moved again, and this time he gripped my wrists. “I’m serious, G.” His eyes held a stony intensity to them. “You better think hard about this.”
I jerked my arms, struggling to free my hands from his grasp, but he clutched them tight. “Stop it!”
Danny tugged me toward him and my chest landed against his. I straddled half his lap, one leg draped over his thighs, and his mouth hesitated inches from mine, so close but still out of reach. “What’s it gonna be?” he whispered.
I shuddered from his pull on me, which only seemed to build the more he threatened to keep the walls up around him. Resistance on his part was becoming futile since, whenever he tried to shield himself, I was learning how to dodge and ignore. I leaned in to take his mouth with mine and he inched back, staying out of my reach. A frustrated moan escaped me, and I shifted, sitting in his lap, managing to trap his head in the corner between the car door and the headrest. Determined to crumble his wall, I captured his mouth with mine, and he gave in on a groan, but he kept my hands manacled at my waist. He finally relented, releasing them and pulling on my hair, exposing my neck to him. His lips left to feast a path across my collarbone as I grazed my fingers through his hair.
Without warning, Danny lifted me to shift positions, laying me out on the seat. He stretched over me, his blue eyes glowing with an intensity in the dim light, as he unzipped my jacket. The sound of heavy, ragged breathing filled the backseat, and both of our hands shook as we struggled to remove the extra layers of clothing between us.
I shed him of his sweatshirt again as my short fingernails bit into his shoulders. He hiked up my sweater and palmed one breast over my simple white cotton bra. His mouth found mine again with renewed eagerness and he shifted, allowing access to unbutton my jeans and lower the zipper. I gasped at the touch of his exploring fingers, this being the furthest we’d gone yet.
“I want to make you come,” he said.
Insecurity flooded me at his words and I hesitated, uncertain what my next move should be. I had done nothing like this before, and I wanted to, but was clueless as to what to do and embarrassed by my inexperience.
Danny caressed me with slow, consistent strokes, and soon a warmth seeped throughout my body, causing my limbs to loosen and relax. I closed my eyes, starting to enjoy his ministrations as my hips moved in time with his finger. My breathing quickened until he slid one finger inside of me and I tensed.
“Fuck, you’re tight,” he moaned in my ear. When I remained rigid, he propped up on an elbow. “Relax, G. Just go with it.”
I let out the breath I’d been holding and tried to relax as I had before. Closing my eyes, I worked to calm my mind. Soon a flush covered me, and everything tingled.
His warm lips pressed against my neck. “That’s it,” he grumbled in the back of his throat. “Fuck, you’re hot.”
I squeezed my eyes shut tighter and concentrated, all my muscles tightening and quivering. He brushed his thumb over my most sensitive spot, and I almost shot off the bench.
He continued to make small circles while his finger stroked, and a light sheen of sweat beaded on my skin. Everything in me coiled before spiraling out, a warm wave of release rushing out from my center, my hips grinding hard against his hand.
I gasped, and he swallowed it with his mouth, his tongue seeking mine. He moaned and moved with me, but didn’t stop.
~ Danny ~
I was a fucking idiot. I shouldn’t have taken things this far, knowing as soon as I laid her underneath me, feeling her come on my finger, walking away would be impossible.
I lifted, needing the space to gather the strength to tell myself no, that I could take it no further, but when I spotted the passion shining in her eyes, the color now a stormy green, my need amped up even more.
“Jesus, you drive me insane. I want you so bad,” I murmured before taking her mouth once again.