The Price Of Success (Fighting For Fireworks)

by Lee, Corri

  I don’t know how much time had passed before I slumped down to the floor and started to wonder if he’d seen me, and was prolonging his debate to avoid me. Maybe I had said too much.

  The door swung open while he yelled. “If you value your place here, you’ll do as I damn well tell you. And if I tell you to do it again in size twelve Times New Roman, you’ll bloody well do it!” His eyes fell on me huddled up, smiling awkwardly, and a look of fear mingled with relief darkened his face. “Get out, Andrew, you’re infringing on my lunch hour.” He held out his hand to help me up as his visitor scurried away, and led me into his office. His desk was heavily stacked with paperwork, reports and screwed up memos that spilled onto the floor. “Cecelia.”

  “I’ve come at a bad time, I’m sorry.”

  “There is never a bad time where you’re involved. Excuse the mess- I would have tidied up if I’d known you were coming.”

  “I know, I’m sorry. I should have replied to your message but…” I sighed and tugged on my lip. No amount of drugs could change the fact that I had no idea how to articulate those words. “I have something I need to tell you and it’s something you need to hear in person.”

  His face flooded with dread as he sat down. “Cecelia…”

  “No,” I held up a hand, “I have to say this and you have to let me do so uninterrupted.” I hovered in the limited space of his office and fiddled with my claddagh ring, looking anywhere but him. “Firstly, you need to know that there are going to be pictures of me with a man floating around pretty soon. But you have to trust me that it was nothing untoward.”

  “Right…”

  “He’s my ex-English Literature professor,” I held up my hand when he opened his mouth, “and I needed his advice. He-…” I sucked on my lip, “… he knows my mind better than anyone and could tell me why I’ve made such a mess of my life over the past couple of weeks. I won’t bore you with the specifics, but it’s fear. I’ve been hurt through other people’s happiness and I hate people hating me. But I have to take a calculated risk.” I perched on the edge of his desk, being careful not to disturb his paperwork, and sat thoughtfully for a moment.

  “I think what I’m trying to get at, is that even though you’ve acted horribly on occasion, you’ve fought for me since we met. And maybe I’m the one who should be fighting. I haven’t given you due credit for your positive actions and focused too heavily on the mistakes.”

  I stood up and held my right hand out to him, tapping the claddagh ring. “This? Not good enough. I can walk away from that without a second thought. It was a sweet gesture but no. I need more. I need more from you. I don’t want money, I don’t want fame- I’ll stop the novel from being published if that’s what it takes. Nothing else matters now- it’s all superfluous. You are everything I want and there is nothing and nobody else but you. My happy ending.”

  I pulled him to his feet and kissed him, gripping onto the muscles in his arms as he swept me back into a Hollywood kiss. This time, the showmanship felt right. There was no audience, no performance- just prerequisite.

  Paper flew when he laid me down across the desk and made love to me, our hands linked and eyes locked for the entire duration. That first bite of pain when he pushed into the fissure of my bruised flesh, and the brief discomfort that followed, was bitter sweet. He marked me as his own and nobody else would have me. I was his, permanently and irrevocably.

  I woke up in a painfully white room in a bed much alike the one I’d sprawled across in the converted church. There seemed to be no walls, but one window. And Nathaniel was staring out of it.

  “Where are we?” My voice seemed to echo around me and was almost tubular.

  Nathaniel turned around, donned in a pure white suit, hands clasped behind his back. “This is Hell, Cecelia.”

  “But it’s white. Surely this is Heaven?”

  “It might seem like Heaven to you, but to some, I assure you- this is Hell.”

  “To who?” I sat up in the bed and held the white sheets over my bare breasts as Cole appeared from behind me.

  He stood next to Nathaniel and they both shook their heads at me. Their expressions were blank, neither had love for me nor hate for the other. “What do you think Hell is, Cecelia?”

  I frowned, not understanding. “Hot, red, fiery. Sin and darkness.”

  “And you’re not all of those things?” I gasped suddenly in pain as the bed underneath me seemed to burn me like hot coals. I lifted my hands and they dripped crimson.

  “Lilith.” They hissed together.

  “No.” I tried to wipe the blood from my hands smearing the white sheets with the unrelenting flow. “Why won’t it stop?” I stared up at them, terrified. “Why won’t it stop?!”

  “Look again.” I glanced down into my outstretched hands and found two pulsing hearts in my palms. I wailed, throwing them down onto the bed and watching them writhe. “See how she just throws them away?”

  I shook my head. “I’m not throwing them away. I made my choice.”

  “And what of the other? What will you do with his heart?”

  “Take it back. Give it to somebody who’ll cherish it.”

  They advanced towards me, pace matched and steps synchronised. “So our hearts lay before you, Cecelia. Take the one you want.”

  I reached forward and took the heart of the man I had vowed to chase, only for his chest to rip open with a stomach churning crack and him to collapse in front of me, lifeless and empty.

  “See how your love kills him.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  I woke up with a jolt, my chest heaving and unable to catch my breath. Two eyes stared at me inquiringly as I wrenched up from his shoulder and gasped- having drifted off there immediately after my orgasm.

  “Bad dream?” I nodded and rubbed my aching chest. My heart was still there, but was his? I had made a choice but I still loved him. I knew that would fade, but had I really ripped his heart out? Could my love still kill him if I didn’t express it?

  “The worst. I’ll get over it.” I nestled my face in the crook of his neck and breathed in his scent. It wasn’t the same. I didn’t get the same rush I’d had on Monday morning when I was completely and utterly head over heels in love with him. Maybe I had cold feet or maybe I still held some resentment over his actions at the bistro. Maybe it was the cathartic memory of that nightmare playing on my mind. Some might have called it ‘buyer’s remorse’. “Umm, you’re still inside me.”

  “I know,” his small laugh made his throat buzz against my forehead, “it’s made grading these essays interesting.”

  Cole was still naked from the waist down but suited from the waist up. He tucked a pen behind his ear and pulled me up by the shoulders to look at him. He looked sedate and complete, and I was humbled to be the reason why. “You don’t have to pull the novel, Cecelia. Nathaniel has been fucked up over you since the day you met and anyone can see that, but I’m not worried about it anymore. You love me, not him.” Except I do love him.

  I nodded slowly and pulled myself up from him, wincing slightly as our bodies separated. He hadn’t known for a second that Nathaniel had been inside me- he had been too busy marking his territory to notice. I needed to put distance between us, adjust to accept that this was the path I’d chosen. “I have to do some more work, will you be at the bar tonight?”

  “No, sorry, I have to teach an evening class.” He leaned over in his chair to scoop my underwear up from the floor with a smirk. “What is it with you and educational establishments?”

  “Shut up.” I straightened myself out and reached for his hand, gripping it hard against my chest. He hadn’t been the one who’d crumbled in that nightmare. It hadn’t been his heart I’d taken. I’d had my divine intervention, but not until it was too late. I’d woken up, but I was still in Hell. “I’ll see you tomorrow though?”

  “Count on it, bella.”

  “What the hell do you mean you went to the college?” Aiden slammed his drink down on th
e bar and glared at me. The only time I’d seen him so angry before was when I’d told him that I’d gone to a party without him and ended up bedding his best friend. It had never really occurred to me at the time that we were an item because our relationship hadn’t been sexual then. It was another example of me falling into an emotional affair. “We agreed you’d go to Nathaniel.”

  “I changed my mind in the taxi. I need security and modesty an-…”

  “You need something that’s easier to escape from.” He tutted and shook his head at me, running a hand through his hair in exasperation. He had obviously gathered from our earlier conversation that Nathaniel would chase me to the ends of the world if he thought there was hope. “Anyone would think you don’t want to be happy.”

  He had no idea what I wanted. I didn’t want to be a shadow, chasing someone around while they shined brighter than me. I didn’t want to be indebted to anyone. And most of all, I didn’t want Nathaniel’s safety to be compromised. But I couldn’t tell him what I did want. I still thought happily-ever-after’s were selfish. “It’s not about being happy. It’s about making sure nobody gets hurt.”

  “Bullshit, Cici. Someone is going to get hurt either way, that’s inevitable. So why hurt Nathaniel and make yourself miserable when you could hurt Cole and be happy.”

  “I can’t just change my mind now, Ade. It’s done. Like you said, Nate can buy a new girlfriend.” And that would always be a driving point of concern. He could throw his money around and collect any amount of trophy girlfriends when he got bored of me. I would always be below him, reliant on him to subsidise the requirements of what was expected of a billionaire’s lover. I would always be a hindrance and I’d barely be myself. My identity and independence would be stripped away, I would be expected to be subservient and not a single move would go unmonitored. At least I was somewhat on par with Cole and I’d be able to dictate my own bloody wardrobe.

  Aiden’s eyes rolled when Bethany sauntered into the bar and sneered at him. Their rivalry knew no bounds. She blamed him for my recklessness and he blamed her for my walking away. I think he thought that he could have talked me around without her interference- she’d blocked his number and escorted me everywhere to make sure we couldn’t talk. He was wrong, of course, but that didn’t stop him thinking it.

  The heat of their acerbic gazes on each other was unbearable- I could feel my skin burning just from being too close to it. I knew better than to tell them to stop hating each other, it was a tactic I’d tried before to no positive effect. It only ever sought to intensify their odium. Each wanted the other gone from my life, neither was willing to coexist.

  “What the fuck is he doing here?” Bethany barked at me, keeping her eyes fixed on his contemptuous snarl. The answer to her question was too complex, so I opted for something as caustic as her expression.

  With one and on my hip I said “drinking,” and narrowed my eyes, daring her to pull me into an argument when my mood was so volatile. She couldn’t out-bitch me and she knew it. “He’s taking me out to a club when I’m done here.”

  “I am?” Idiot. He smirked down into his drink and shrugged. He’d taken me to a lot of ‘clubs’ while I was in university and I was sure that he remembered the synonym. “Oh, sure. A ‘club’. Let me call ahead about that.”

  Bethany shook her head at me and clicked her tongue, waiting for Aiden to leave before she leaned across the bar and grabbed my hand. “What is he really doing here?” Straight to the point, as reliable and predictable as ever. That was why I loved her, there were no surprises. Unless you counted finding ass berries in my house.

  “He helped me pick a man.” Her brow creased and she sat down on a stool, still gripping my hand. “I thought he was wrong so I went to Cole.”

  “Yeah, I know. He’s drinking with Adam, gloating.” She shook her head in disgust, like she was mentally replaying a bitter memory.

  I blinked slowly. “No, he’s teaching an evening class.”

  She bit her lip, recognising that she had just dropped him well and truly into the stink. “Um… no, Cici. He’s definitely in the Cherry Vine. I just left them there.”

  “Dick!” I scoffed in disbelief and marvelled at his audacity. The Cherry Vine was an exclusive gentleman’s club that offered members only access. The application time for said membership to be processed was three months minimum after a month of regular attendance as the named guest of a member- a factoid I had picked up after Bethany had been headhunted as a dancer. They wouldn’t take on new clients without an indication of commitment. That meant that Cole had been going there or a while, or at least intended to. And the membership didn’t come cheap.

  I wasn’t sure whether to focus on the fact that he’d lied, and done so with such ease and conviction with no trace of deception, or that he was ogling strippers when he cared so little about my body. I sagged down against the bar and folded my arms over my head. This is what I’d chosen. I had no right to complain.

  “You’re just going to let him off?” I heard Bethany’s heels retreat and then advance back towards me on my side of the bar. “I’ll cover the rest of your shift, go and give him hell.”

  My reply was muffled by my arms. “They won’t let me in.”

  “You think? Cici, your face is pinned up all over London- you can go anywhere.” I lifted my head as the realisation hit me. My association with Nathaniel had made me nigh on invincible. I could throw my weight around as much as I wanted to and it would score me unrestricted access to anywhere. It wasn’t my style, but if the ends justified the means, it was my right to abuse the privilege.

  Aiden eyed me suspiciously as he walked back in, phone in hand. He could see that I was plotting something and was instantly worried. I didn’t plot often, but when I did, it was catastrophic for all involved. He’d been at the centre of one of those shit storms and knew just how relentless I could be when I thought I’d been wronged. “Uh oh.”

  “Do you have a suit?” He stared at me for a moment, open-mouthed and nodded slowly. “Good. Meet me at my house when you’ve changed. We’re going to a strip club.”

  I flew into my bedroom and dressed with haste. Cherry Vine implemented a strict dress code that counted to women as well as men- there were more female members than one would expect.

  There had to be a definite distinction between the patrons and dancers, which meant anyone who chose to adorn themselves in a tightly fitted mini-dress was refused entry on the door, regardless of whether they kept a membership card crammed between the pound notes stuffed into their cleavage.

  Suits were the best bet- the more masculine the better- and the embellishment of a hat was an esoteric indication to the staff that a woman was straight and not interested in anything other than the toxically coloured fruit cocktails.

  It seemed almost ironic that I would have to dress like a gangster to collar the man who thought he was the Don, but it proved that I was as much ‘the man’ in our relationship as he was. I wouldn’t be walked all over and be the down-trodden girlfriend who did what she was told while he did what he wished. He had me- that was as far as I’d compromise.

  Aiden called up to me from the lounge and urged me to ‘hurry the fuck up and look at this’. Knowing him like I did, I wasn’t compelled to rush the application of my make-up. There was nothing in my lounge that I’d never seen before, it was more likely that he’d already started on the Class A’s and was seeing the face of the Virgin Mary in the cushion covers. Again.

  After five minutes, he was positively irate- storming up the stairs to my bedroom and staring at me disapprovingly. “I told you to hurry up. You need to see something.”

  “I’ve told you before, I don’t see your hallucinations.”

  “When have I ever hallucinated flowers?”

  I raised an eyebrow at him as a challenge and held up a hand to count. “Gay Pride festival, your cousin’s wedding, Green Peace march, fresher’s week-…”

  He slapped my hand down and scowled. Someone
else who could never win an argument against me. “Well I’m not hallucinating now. I’m not high.”

  I rolled my eyes and shoved my phone, purse and keys into my pockets, preparing to travel light. “If there were flowers,” I called, halfway down the stairs, “I think I might have noti-…” I stopped in my tracks.

  The coffee table was covered in a spread of roses- red and the biggest blooms I’d ever seen. They weren’t in a bouquet as normal, just laid across the wood haphazardly. I would have suspected that they’d been disturbed if not for the card carefully laid over the stems.

  Not a bouquet.

  He can kill me if he wants to, I will die having lived a full life for seeing just one afternoon of your love.

  I love you, Cecelia.

  N x

  Aiden took the card from my fingers and wrapped an arm around me. “You’re throwing him away?”

  “Looks like it.”

  “You’re an idiot. Let’s go and deal with the moron who blew you off for a lap dance after that beautiful declaration of love. I don’t know why the hell you didn’t listen to me.” Because I thought you were leading me astray on purpose.

  I had instantly suspected his motives and thought that maybe he’d planned to lead me into a hopeless relationship so it would fall apart and I’d go back to him. I second guessed myself too much to trust my own judgment and doubted everyone else. What had really been the point of dragging him back into my life for advice if I’d known I wouldn’t take it? Had I become one of those despicable women who just needed everyone to admire her or was I just that malicious that I wanted to remind him of what he used to have? I didn’t even know. My cynicism and indecisiveness was going to ruin me.

  I pulled the claddagh ring from my finger and laid it on the bed of roses. All of Nathaniel’s love lay there now. I was giving him his heart back. He would hurt for me, but he would be safe. Safe from Cole and, most importantly, safe from me. That was all that mattered- that he would see life through long enough to find a woman who really deserved to be his yin. Twenty-three years old was too young to die for a woman.