by Lucy Lennox
Never in a million years would I have expected to live my life in the closet. I grew up in San Francisco to liberal parents who volunteered with gay youth. Five of my brothers were gay, for god’s sake. Of all people to be in the closet, I was the most ridiculous. It was frustrating. I wondered what it would take before I decided to come out.
The following week was Halloween. Ollie ended up going to visit her parents to help hand out candy, and I decided to pay a surprise visit to my nieces at Pete and Ginger’s house. Derek was taking his days off, so Mike drove me over to Pete’s in the afternoon to drop off some candy and Halloween books I’d picked up for the girls.
I’d had an ulterior motive in going out, and I asked Mike to drive us past his house before heading back to my place. He had kids who were trick-or-treating age, and I’d be damned if I was going to let him miss it.
I’d brought along candy and books for Mike’s kids too, and the look on his face when I produced them was priceless.
“Jude. Shit, you didn’t need to do this,” he said.
“I know that. But if my dad had to work on Halloween, it would have sucked. I’m doing this for your kids, not you,” I joked.
Mike and I walked his kids around the neighborhood and for once in more than five years years, I was actually essentially ignored. Anytime someone’s eyes roamed over me, they must have assumed I was dressed as Jude for the holiday. It was strangely liberating.
The following day I met Derek at the airport for our flight to Nashville. Since the whole band plus various people from Clint’s office and Ollie were traveling with us, we chartered a plane.
Once we were on board, I smelled Derek’s aftershave and felt myself getting hard. Luckily I had an oversized hoodie to hide the growing bulge, but it was still embarrassing to know how quickly I was affected in his company. I shifted in my seat. He must have known what was going on because he raised his eyebrow and smirked at me.
“Bastard,” I muttered under my breath.
“I believe you meant ‘sexy bastard,’” he muttered back. I narrowed my eyes at him.
“Shut up.”
He barked out a laugh that got Ollie’s attention.
“Why are you blushing, baby cakes?” she asked me.
“I’m not blushing. I’m just hot,” I corrected.
“Yeah, you are,” Derek mumbled through a fake cough.
I smacked his chest. “Dude, seriously. Stop it,” I demanded. But I couldn’t hold back my own laugh.
While we prepared to take off, Derek did his usual routine of trying to distract me with stupid stories. By the time I stopped laughing, we were at cruising altitude, and Clint asked to switch seats with Derek so he could talk to me about some details of the new album contract.
After our conversation, Clint stayed in the seat next to mine. I couldn’t figure out how to tell him to switch back without sounding like a brat. Remembering it was a charter flight without the no-cell-phone rule, I pulled out my phone to text Derek.
Jude: He’s not budging.
Derek: I figured.
Jude: He doesn’t smell as good as you do.
Derek: Why are you sniffing him?
Jude: I’m not. But I wouldn’t mind sniffing you some more.
Derek: I’m sitting next to Sutter and he smells like ass.
Jude: Now who’s inappropriately sniffing people?
Derek: Think he’d be up for the Mile High Club?
Jude: Don’t make me come up there.
Derek: Is that a threat or a promise?
Jude: I really feel like whining. Can’t you come put a sleeper hold or something on Clint? We can move him without him ever finding out.
Derek: A sleeper hold doesn’t cause amnesia. Plus, there would be witnesses.
Jude: But could you do it?
Derek: I’d tell you but then I’d have to…
Jude: Liar.
Derek: Okay, fine. I do know how to do a sleeper hold but I’m not doing it on Clint. I also know how to parachute, but we’re not doing that either.
Jude: Do it to me later?
Derek: So many ways I could respond to that question, Bluebell…
Jude: Are we going to be able to sleep in the same room tonight?
Derek: Hope so. Ollie gave me some kind of strange wink when she told me she hooked us up with the condo. Either she worked some slutty magic for us, or she’s coming down with pinkeye.
Jude: How am I supposed to snooze if I can’t lean on your shoulder?
Derek: You need to figure it out and get some rest. If you sleep now, we can stay up late tonight.
Jude: Ooo! Can we watch infomercials?
Derek: Sure. Except instead of watching we’ll be sucking. And instead of infomercials it will be cock. Other than that, exact same thing.
Jude: I like your version better. As long as when we get to the end you say, “But wait! There’s more…”
Derek: If I recall proper infomercial nomenclature, there’s always a special two-for-one offer. That sounds like an interesting challenge.
Jude: Yes, please.
Derek: Rest up, Bluebell.
I slipped on my big headphones and fell asleep listening to some old Nanci Griffith music I loved. The song was “Outbound Plane” and certain lines stood out, “You may walk away from love but / You’ll fall head and heels again.”
Leave it to a country song to hit the nail on the head when it came to love.
The trip to Nashville started off on the right foot. We had a friendly introduction dinner with the committee, which was thrilled to have us accept the invitation to perform. All the people seemed genuinely excited to put together a great show, and I was energized by the band’s willingness to brainstorm fresh ideas.
Even better than the successful dinner was the private wing of the condo Ollie had rented. The master suite had a bedroom next to it down one hallway while the other two bedrooms were on the opposite end of the condo. Obviously Derek made a show of setting up in the room next to mine while Ollie and the other bodyguard settled into the other two.
As soon as we went to bed, Derek snuck into my room and fulfilled his promises of mutually beneficial sucking and multiple orgasms. After we showered, my gorgeous bodyguard spent the night with a country music singer clinging to his large, warm back like a turtle shell.
The next day started off with a planning meeting led by the event managers, and we settled on the performance details. The public relations teams hammered out the press release language and the team separated to spend the evening doing whatever they wanted before the next day’s press conference. With one exception.
Clint had roped me into a charity dinner with one of the members of the Super Bowl committee who had been instrumental in bringing the event to Nashville. Dominick Floros was the CEO of one of the banks headquartered in Nashville and wanted to request my participation in some kind of veteran fundraising event his bank was spearheading.
As usual Ollie begged off, so it was just Clint, Derek, and me in the limo. The other security guard, Diego, had been with me in the afternoon while Derek met with the security team managing the stadium during the Super Bowl, but Derek had asked him to accompany Ollie that evening in case she wanted to go out. Derek didn’t want to risk her being out on her own in Nashville just in case Ari knew about her.
When we got to the restaurant, Mr. Floros met us at the entrance.
“Good evening, Jude, Clint. So nice of you to come. We are just through here in the private dining room.”
We shook hands with the tall man and I thanked him for inviting us.
“It’s nice to meet you Dominick,” I said.
“Dom, please. I’ve invited a few others involved in planning the fundraiser, and I can’t wait to introduce you. Please follow me,” he said before leading us to a private dining room.
It shouldn’t have surprised me to see Ari in that dining room, but it did.
31
Derek
I couldn’t decide wh
o I wanted to kill more. Ari for being there, or my boss, Joel, for not finding out where Ari was going to be every minute we were in Nashville.
My hand came to rest on Jude’s lower back instinctively when I saw Ari standing in the room. I quickly removed it to place my hands behind my back as I remained standing behind him.
Sure enough, when Dom tried to introduce Ari to Jude, Ari tried coming in for a big hug. I wasn’t about to let that happen no matter how rude it would make me look. I deliberately dropped my phone and then bumped against Jude while I leaned down to grab it. When I stood back up with the phone, I was magically in between Ari and Jude. Imagine that.
Hug denied.
While I stammered out a fake apology, I heard Jude cough-laugh. Slipping my phone back into my pocket, I turned around to wink at him before taking my spot against the wall by the door.
The dinner was the typical bullshit small talk that had originally given me the false impression Jude was shallow. He said all the right things and played the game to perfection. Knowing him the way I did now, though, I could see through it like glass. It was a complete front. His fingers lightly tapped out the rhythm of one of his new songs against his thigh under the table. When the food came, he carefully selected each bite to make sure it was the same size and then chewed it twice as long as usual. He was bored out of his goddamned mind.
He wasn’t the only one. My mind wandered in a million different directions in an attempt to stay alert. At one point, I realized I was basically paid to stare at my hot boyfriend all day. The thought almost caused a bark of laughter to bubble up, so I bit my tongue to keep it from escaping. He was seriously beautiful though. Even before we were together I had moments of feeling insanely lucky to be paid to watch him. Sure, there were long hours, loads of travel, and so much time on my feet that it hurt, but Jude Marian was a joy to watch.
He carried himself with a casual grace and was always attentive to the people around him. His voice was hypnotic and his smile was—
I sighed. God, I was pathetic. There was no denying how hard I was falling for the man.
After dinner Jude excused himself to the men’s room and I followed. When we were out of earshot of the others, he turned to look at me.
“I want you to order something for dinner to take back with us. Don’t argue with me. I’ll pay for it, okay?”
I could tell he was going to fight for this one, so I shrugged. “Okay.”
His eyebrows went up. “That’s it? You’re not going to argue with me?”
“Do you want me to?” I asked with a smile.
“No.” He laughed. “But you’re usually pigheaded. You must be feeling sorry for me tonight.”
“Well, I am. But I’m also hungry, and one of those steaks looked amazing. You’re not going to make me order something vegetarian, are you?” I already knew he didn’t mind me eating meat, but I liked teasing him about it.
“You can order the steak. I’ll just have to donate the equivalent price to the ASPCA in your name. It’s no big deal,” he said with a straight face.
I barked out a laugh. “Have at it, Bluebell. Totally worth it. Be sure to mention the pig whose life was sacrificed for the bacon bits on the loaded potato I’m getting too.”
“You’ll have to write a sympathy card to the potato’s mother. Are you sure it’s worth it just for one meal?”
“Throw in a slice of cheesecake and I’ll get my boyfriend to double his donation. He’s rich. He can afford it. Plus, he’s a total pushover for a good cause. Why, just tonight he agreed to donate a certain amount of money to a charity event, but I know he’ll secretly write the check for twice as much.”
Jude blushed and looked away. “Shut up,” he muttered. “Except the boyfriend part. That part you can say as much as you want.”
When we returned to the dining room, there was a new face in the room. The older gentleman was about Dom’s age and looked similarly wealthy and distinguished.
Ari was the one to make the introductions.
“Jude, I’d like to introduce you to my father-in-law, Joseph Crawford. Joe, this is Jude.”
“Nice to meet you, Joe,” Jude said with a polite smile. “I met your daughter a few months ago. She’s a lovely woman.”
“Thank you. You’re very kind to say so. Listen, Jude, Ari and I were hoping to keep you after dinner for a few minutes to talk to you about something. Could you spare time for a drink with us after dessert?”
What was he supposed to say when put on the spot in front of everyone? I almost leaned forward to remind Jude of an important function he needed to get to, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to sell it. Plus, I had to trust him to manage his own shit the way he saw fit.
“I can only stay for one more drink,” Jude said. “I’m afraid we have an early press conference in the morning that I still need to prepare for.”
After dessert, everyone left except Jude, Ari, and his father-in-law. And me. I continued to stand by the door with my hands clasped and my neutral face glued in place.
Mr. Crawford began the conversation. “Jude, Ari here tells me that he has introduced the idea to you of letting our company handle your investments.”
I almost barked out a laugh. Assuming that’s what this was about and hearing it spoken aloud were two different things. Pathetic.
Jude nodded.
“Right, well, I’d like to personally explain what makes our firm different from the others and give you the opportunity to—”
“Joe, I’m going to stop you right there,” Jude broke in. “While I appreciate your coming out tonight to meet with me, I make it a policy never to mix business with pleasure. Regardless of how successful your company is, I do not hire financial advisers based on personal relationships or past friendships. While that may seem counterintuitive to you, it’s what I’ve found works best for me. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get back to my bandmates for a late meeting.”
I was stunned and impressed. This wasn’t the sweet Jude I knew. This was someone who had enough and wasn’t going to listen to a minute more. Finally.
I fucking loved that man.
Oh, shit.
I really did.
Jude stood up and gave a winning smile to Joe Crawford while reaching out to shake his hand. No hard feelings, his smile said. Just business.
When Jude turned to Ari, Ari shocked the hell out of both of us. He winked at Jude and mouthed, Thank you.
Jude had turned on his heel and walked out of the private dining room. I followed him until he made it out to the town car waiting in the parking lot. When we got into the car, he finally took a breath and looked at me.
“Did you order the steak?”
I blinked at him, trying to hear what he was asking. In my head, all I could hear was the repetitive pounding of a phrase I’d never uttered to a single person outside of my family.
I love you.
I wasn’t sure I’d ever be ready to say it out loud, but I knew in my heart it was the complete truth.
32
Jude
November and December went by in a flash. The days were spent recording our new album and the nights, as usual, were spent worshipping Derek Wolfe’s body.
The two of us fell into a happy routine that actually kind of resembled dating, like normal people. We even went out to dinner and to the movies a few times together, even though we avoided any kind of PDA like the plague.
Many nights we stayed in and cooked. Either just the two of us or with Ollie. I even thought about telling my family about Derek but had to keep reminding myself that once the circle of trust grew larger, at some point it would break.
We were happy together. One night he surprised me with a visit to a rock climbing gym. Ollie had helped him arrange the gym to stay open after hours just for the two of us, and I repaid the treat the following week by taking him camping at Big Basin. I thought it was cold as shit, but he loved it. Since sleeping with Derek was like sleeping near a roaring fire, I survive
d.
Camping was most definitely not my thing, but I remembered stories he told about how much he’d loved going with his brothers when he was growing up. Once we arrived at our campsite, he took over building the fire and cooking the food. I had deliberately chosen weeknights so the campground was virtually empty and we could enjoy some privacy.
During the day we hiked on trails among the redwoods, and at night we danced with each other by the campfire and then feasted on each other in the tent until we were too spent to stay awake any longer. Derek made s’mores by the fire, and I pulled out my guitar to play for him. I ended up admitting one of the songs on the new album was written about him.
We were sitting by the fire late one night, and I’d just finished playing James Taylor’s “Something in the Way She Moves.” Derek asked me to play one of the new songs, so I took a breath and let out a laugh.
“Are you ready for me to get a little corny?” I asked.
“Cornier than playing guitar around a campfire?” he said with a wink.
I felt my face heat up. “Never mind. It’s too much. I can’t do this without embarrassing myself.”
Derek shifted over until his arm was around my waist. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel self-conscious. I was just teasing you. I’d love to hear any song you’d like to play for me.”
He pushed the hair back from my face and kissed my temple. His lips were soft and warm on my skin. I turned my face to his and kissed him on the mouth, tasting the graham cracker and chocolate on his tongue and setting my guitar aside so I could hold his face while we kissed.
Derek deepened the kiss and put his hands on my waist until I ended up straddling him on the wooden picnic table bench.
“I’ve had a great time with you here, Jude. Thank you for bringing me,” Derek said.
“Mm-hmm,” I agreed happily into his mouth.
“Babe?” he mumbled against my lips.
“Mmm?”
“I know you’re trying to distract me from your corny song, but it’s not going to work.”
“Wanna bet?” I asked, lifting up the hem of his fleece pullover to reach his fly.
His hands came down on mine with a laugh. “First the song, then the nookie. If I like the song, I’ll even make you the sole focus of the nookie.”