Jumping Jude: A Made Marian Novel

by Lucy Lennox

  When night came, I begged for sleep to give me a break from thinking of Jude but it was no use. Jude was in my dreams too.

  In the mornings, I would wake, and for a split second think I still had a boyfriend. Then I’d remember, and my stomach would fall.

  I worked from early in the morning until late at night until Joel finally insisted I take some time off and visit my parents out east. He knew I’d spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s “working” with Jude, so he convinced me I owed it to my family if nothing else.

  When I got to my parents’ house, exhaustion hit me, and I was thankful Joel had insisted I take time off. I was able to watch some football games with my dad and Aaron as well as keep my mom company in the kitchen while she cooked for us.

  I had obviously thought about the possibility of coming out in order to get Jude back. During the first few days at home, I almost blurted it out several times. But I realized that wasn’t really going to solve my dilemma. It was the media scrutiny I was more worried about.

  My family was getting very excited about the Super Bowl trip. I wondered how they’d feel after they learned the truth about Jude.

  Joel had told me I was still on Jude’s detail for the trip since they needed several people. My plan was to work day shifts only so we would never be alone or together at night. I could also do some of the advance work and team coordination so I wasn’t close to him even when I was on duty.

  Ollie texted me one Wednesday to tell me Jude’s interview was going to be aired that night on TV at 9. I felt my nerves kick up when I switched over to the appropriate channel for the interview.

  When Jude’s face came on the screen, he looked as gorgeous as he always did. Even my mom made a comment about “that good-looking man.” My dad worked on his laptop at the kitchen table and my mom sat next to me on the sofa. Aaron lay back in the recliner, letting Mom baby him by bringing him a bowl of ice cream.

  The interview started off with questions about what he’d been working on, the new album, and his upcoming tour. Then the interviewer asked questions about Jude’s brothers getting married.

  “So, Jude, rumor has it that two of your brothers were married recently. Is that correct?”

  Jude laughed. “You make it sound like they married each other. My brother Blue married a man named Tristan Alexander of Alexander Vineyards, and my brother Jamie married Theodore Kodiak, last year’s winner of the Gramling Prize for Wildlife Photography. They are both very nice men, and I’m proud to welcome them to the family. They are well aware of what a crazy crew they’ve joined, I assure you.”

  He was charming the pants off her.

  The interviewer laughed. “What do you mean crazy crew?”

  “I have one sister and seven brothers. I also have a wonderfully irreverent great-aunt who has adopted a couple of new friends who fit right in. We’re a motley crew of strong personalities, but it works for us. I’m very lucky.”

  “An unusually high number of your brothers is gay, correct?” the interviewer asked.

  Jude continued to smile. If you didn’t know him well, you’d think it was genuine.

  “I’m not sure, Anna. What’s the usual number of gay brothers for someone to have?” he asked with a wink.

  Score one for Bluebell.

  “Oh, sorry, I guess what I meant to ask is how many of your seven brothers are gay?”

  “I’m not going to discuss my brothers’ sexuality. That’s their private business. I’m sure if they wanted to talk about it, their manager would contact you about scheduling an interview,” he said pointedly, still wearing the smile.

  “Right. Let’s move along then. Yesterday you were spotted at a restaurant here in Los Angeles wearing a T-shirt that said, and I quote, ‘Spoiler alert: I’m totally gay.’ Would you like to explain that to our audience?”

  A photograph of Jude wearing the shirt popped up on the corner of the screen, and it seemed to have been taken by paparazzi while Jude and Ollie were having lunch outside at a café. I wasn’t sure what everyone else thought, but I knew for a fact it had to have been a planned paparazzi stunt, probably meant to get the word out before the interview hit the airwaves.

  “My brother made it for me. I’m not sure it needs additional explanation, honestly,” he teased.

  “Come on, Jude. Your fans want to know. Are you really gay?”

  “Yes. I am really gay,” he said. His tone had become more even, and the grin was replaced by a familiar look of brave determination. My heart thundered so loudly in my ears I almost didn’t notice the reactions from my family members.

  “Holy shit, Derek,” Aaron blurted. My mom snapped her head around to hiss a warning about bad language. “Sorry, Mom. But seriously, dude. You had to have known. Did he make you sign some kind of agreement?”

  “I can’t discuss it,” I said automatically.

  My father grumbled in the background, but I tried to tune him out.

  Next, the interviewer asked the question I was waiting for.

  “Are you seeing anyone?”

  Jude crossed his ankle over his opposite knee and cleared his throat. “Not right now, no.”

  Fuck. Even though I knew it, it hurt like a bitch to hear him say it.

  The interviewer’s eyes lit up. “Well, well,” she said with a grin, “I’m sure there are plenty of men out there who find that news both surprising and exciting. What do you think, Jude?”

  “If they do, they’re probably just starstruck,” he joked. “Dating someone whose life is under a media microscope is harder than you think. I spent several years avoiding dating anyone because I was afraid to put someone through that.”

  “And now?” she prompted. “Are you hoping to find that special someone?”

  “Honestly, Anna, I’ve already found that someone special, but it didn’t work out. So for the time being, I’m going to lick my wounds and concentrate on my music. I’m lucky enough to have a loving family, a fabulous best friend, and a highly talented and hardworking band behind me. Right now, I can’t say I’m lonely.”

  Liar.

  “You’re set to play the big Super Bowl halftime show next weekend. Tell us how you think your news will affect that performance,” the woman asked.

  “There’s probably some kind of no-sex rule at the Super Bowl stadium, so I thought I’d just sing instead,” he said with a smile. “I don’t expect my sexuality to ever have any effect on my music performance. If someone thinks this announcement has anything to do with my ability to do my job, I’d like to know how.”

  “What would you say to a parent out there who decides that your sexuality is a negative influence on their child?”

  “I would like to say their negative judgement of others is a negative influence on their child. In reality, though, I would tell them that maybe, by watching this interview, and seeing me finally being true to who I am, their children won’t feel so alone if they’re feeling different than they’re expected to be. I hope I can encourage others to be brave enough to fight for the love they deserve.”

  “Is there anything else you’d like to say about it before we wrap up our interview?”

  Jude turned to the camera and leaned forward. “If any of you are scared and feeling lonely, whether about your sexuality or any other kind of struggle you may be having, please reach out for help. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) for help. Whatever you do, don’t do it alone. I know it’s scary telling someone your struggles, but be brave— you can do it.”

  “Thank you. That lifeline number along with links to many helpful organizations will be available on our website after the show. Jude, why don’t we end this chat on a fun note? While preparing for tonight’s interview, several of my coworkers submitted questions for you. One of the men in our sales department wanted me to ask you for your number.” She smiled.

  Jude blushed and chuckled.

  Goddamned sales guy. Asshole.

  “Ah, no, thanks, bu
t tell him I’m flattered. I guess,” Jude managed to say.

  “Another person wanted to ask what your type is. If a friend set you up on the ideal blind date, what would the guy be like?”

  I thought I might throw up. Jude on a date? With someone besides me? Dear god, no.

  Jude continued to blush as he looked up and thought about it. “First of all, he’d need to love being mobbed by throngs of excited fans,” he joked. “He’d have to accept some of my quirks, like the fact that I love all dogs except pugs, I’m a nervous flyer, and I only like my vegetables shaped like spirals.” He said the last part with a small smile.

  “What about looks?” the woman asked, pushing for more.

  “Well, I’m pretty flexible about looks. It takes way more than outward appearance to interest me, but I’ll admit I’m a sucker for someone tall and well built. I am most attracted to people who are kind, attentive, a good listener as well as a good conversationalist, and physically affectionate. Don’t stereotype me too much, but I’m a cuddler,” he admitted, blushing even deeper.

  Good god, America had to be eating this shit up. The man was adorable as fuck.

  “Tell me about the last man you dated,” she prompted.

  Jude looked up in surprise and the blush reappeared, spreading over his face and neck. “The last man I dated… He’s all of those things and more. Just a kind, beautiful man. I miss him very much.”

  He scraped his upper lip with his bottom teeth in an uncharacteristically nervous gesture.

  I shifted on the sofa and wondered if I might actually be coming down with the flu.

  “Can you tell us his name?” she asked.

  “Not a chance.” He blew out a nervous laugh. “Nice try though.”

  “Worth a shot,” she admitted. “Thank you so much for joining us tonight, Jude, and good luck next week at the Super Bowl halftime show. Viewers, be sure to catch Super Bowl coverage here beginning—”

  The broadcast cut off and I looked to see what happened. My father held the remote where he stood behind the sofa.

  “Hell, son. Didn’t you say you had to stay in his house overnight sometimes?” my dad asked. My stomach flipped over as I prepared myself for the horrible things that might come out of his mouth.

  “I’ve spent lots of nights at Jude’s house, Dad. I’m not sure what you’re asking. But please, if it’s something homophobic, I beg you to keep it to yourself.”

  He grunted and went back to his laptop, but not before muttering one more thing. “They’re fucking everywhere.”

  A stupid, childish voice in my head retorted, No, we mostly just fuck at home like everyone else.

  I chose that moment to go to bed in case my stupid, childish voice decided to lay some truth on my family.

  My fingers twirled my phone around in circles until I couldn’t help but text Jude.

  Derek: Just saw the interview. You did an amazing job. I’m so proud of you.

  Jude: Thank you. We recorded it this morning, and I’m already back home, waiting for the world to end. Ollie says I should pop some popcorn and watch scary movies with her if I’m going to be freaked out anyway.

  Derek: Tell her I said you deserve a back rub and some comedy. She has strong hands. Guilt her into it.

  Jude: Good idea. Are you okay?

  Derek: Not really, I’m at my parents’.

  Jude: Ah. Sorry.

  Derek: Are you still okay with my family coming to the game? It’s not too late to cancel.

  Jude: Shut up. Even if I wanted to renege, which I don’t, I don’t want a Marine general and his foot soldiers murdering me in a bloody revenge op thankyouverymuch.

  Derek: Good point.

  I knew better than to continue the text conversation. My head pounded and all I could think to type was I love you, I want you, I need you. So I turned off my phone instead.

  42

  Jude

  I felt stung by his abrupt ending to our text conversation. Not that I didn’t understand why he did it, but still. Obviously that night I was feeling extremely vulnerable. Ollie had offered to get me drunk, but I declined in favor of gorging myself on Swedish Fish instead.

  The fallout from the interview wasn’t as negative as I expected. People came out of the woodwork to thank me for being a good example, but I didn’t feel like I was. I felt like someone who had spent my entire life up to that point trying to pretend to be someone other than myself. After the interview, I felt a kind of giant relief, but it was shaded by the knowledge that I still couldn’t have it all. Coming out may have solved one of my problems, but it created another one that was ripping my heart out.

  My family made a point of surrounding me as much as possible in the few days left before the Nashville trip, and their support kept me from losing it altogether.

  Telling my family I was gay had been the exact combination of easy and emotionally explosive as I’d anticipated. Of course it had been easy to tell them I was gay. More than half the freaking family was gay. It was the part where I hadn’t told them about my sexuality for years and years and years that was the problem.

  At Sunday dinner, after Griff told us about the article he was writing, I told everyone I had something to tell them.

  “I decided to join the bandwagon and become gay,” I said with a feeble smile.

  “Irene owes me twenty bucks,” Tristan’s granny called out at the same time Ginger elbowed Pete.

  “You owe me a blow job,” Ginger said to her husband.

  My mom burst into tears, Simone had started blaming people, and Blue had leaned his face into Tristan’s neck as if he’d just gotten sad news. It had made me wish like hell Derek was there. Goddamned selfish asshole. I’d needed him and he’d bailed on me. On us.

  My dad tried to remain calm, as usual. He placed his arm around my shoulder and kissed me on the cheek.

  “You must have had a good reason to keep it to yourself all this time, Jude. Do you want to share that with us? If not, that’s completely fine.”

  Being a Marian was like living inside group therapy sometimes.

  “It was a combination of factors, but I don’t want to talk about that part right now. Most recently it was because of my career.”

  I had asked Kevin to give my family some privacy before I began the conversation, so I was able to speak freely. I told them about Ari, and then I told them the truth about Derek.

  “Oh, honey,” Mom said. And wasn’t that the most mom thing anyone ever said?

  She came over and hugged me, holding me tight for a while.

  “I knew there was something going on between you, but it seemed like the real thing,” she said.

  “That’s just it. It was the real thing. We both love each other. We both respect each other and want to be together forever. But we can’t. I can’t live in the closet, and he can’t live out of it.”

  Of all people, it was Aunt Tilly who got angry as a hornet. “Well, fuck that,” she spat.

  My mom’s eyes bugged, and Tilly continued. “You tell that cocksucker to grow a pair. No one ever said life was going to be easy. You don’t get that many opportunities to find a good man and when you do, you hold on to him for dear life. God, what an ass. And I don’t mean that as a compliment, even though that’s also true. He does have a smoking hot posterior. Almost… biteable if you ask me. Are you saying he’s single now? How attached is he to the D?”

  Her rant kind of petered out at that point. She began to wax poetic about Derek’s ass. Who could blame her, really?

  There was a collective groan.

  “No one asked you, old lady,” Blue said to Tilly.

  Tristan looked at Granny with narrowed eyes. “Not a word, Granny.”

  The tiny woman just shrugged and mimed zipping her lips, but I was pretty sure she mumbled something about a giant salami cock under her breath.

  Thad reached across the dinner table to put his hand on mine. “Isn’t he going to be at the game with his family?”

  “I don�
�t know,” I said.

  My family spent the rest of the evening rallying around poor me. Simone stopped blaming people when she ran out of names and began to coddle me instead. I overheard Tristan tell Blue he’d suspected this since Hawaii, and Blue replied he’d known about it since I was a teenager. Blue won that round.

  Dante, who normally lurked around the edges in his quiet way, came up and hugged me. “I admire you, Jude. Thank you for telling us. I know it couldn’t have been easy, even as cool as everyone is about it. Tonight was the easy part. When you do that interview, remember we have your back.”

  “Thanks, Dante. That means a lot.”

  Griff came over to hug me too and tell me he could come to Los Angeles with me for the interview if I wanted him to. I told him I would really like that. He was one of the most fun-loving laid-back guys I knew and would do a better job than most at distracting me without being silly.

  I found Kevin waiting in the town car in front of the house. I apologized to him and told him about my upcoming announcement to the press.

  “I just wanted to tell my family in private. Hope you don’t mind.”

  Kevin turned to look at me with an understanding smile. “Of course not, Jude. That’s fantastic news. I know how hard it is to stay in the closet as an adult. You’ll feel better once it’s all out.”

  “You’re gay?” I blurted. The man looked like a bouncer at a club, and not the gay kind. More like the auto mechanic meathead kind. I found myself on a stereotyping roll.

  He laughed. “No, but my uncle is. He finally came out after he and my aunt had been together for twenty years. Can you imagine? All that time living a lie. Makes me crazy to think about it. He said the minute he came out, it was like walking into a brand-new life.”

  “Wow. How’s he doing now?” I asked, feeling happy for this stranger I’d never met before. He was finally getting to live his life without all the secrets and compartmentalizing.

  “Great. Happily married to a nice guy named Phil who has two daughters about my age. I think the fact that Phil was also married to a woman before helped them understand each other better. They live downtown here in the city, so I see them often. My aunt is in Portland now. She hasn’t remarried, but she has a great group of friends who travel together all over.”