Make Me

by Amanda Heath

  Everyday, Channing looked worse. At first he was angry, you could see it in his eyes. Of course I’m the only one who noticed. I’m starting to think I’m the only one who looked into this dude’s eyes. The he stopped sitting with us at lunch. He stopped shaving his face too. The stubble was sexy, as hell and I wanted him to kiss me with his face like that. I bet it would burn. Is that weird? It is isn’t it? Oh lord.

  Anyway, the last day, I put a stop to it. Mainly because Royal ended up with a black eye. I knew who gave it to him. I’m not dumb. So I told Royal I was done with the charade. He asked if we could still be friends. I punched him in the arm.

  I don’t know what Royal told him, but Channing went back to normal after that. Started shaving again, eating lunch with us, and he stopped hurting me. I like to think I really got to him, but now I almost miss the things he was doing. Even if it was bad attention, it was still attention. And I wanted his attention.

  This makes me one of those girls who go back for more, even though they really shouldn’t. Together Channing and I were a disease. A cancer taking over and destroying everything in its path.

  Then one day it hit me. I had no idea who this guy was. I didn’t know his middle name, where he was born, his favorite color. I didn’t know his favorite anything. Though I would say his favorite sexual position is on the hood of a car. I know what his privates look like and I know what those full lips taste like. And I know how well he uses them. Both of them.

  Sexual tension was what caused all this. My body wants him but my brain and heart don’t. I wonder if it’s the same for him.

  “So you and my brother really broke up?” Rachel asks me, the day after I “broke” up with Royal. She was not happy about that at all. I told her I was sorry but I just couldn’t help myself. I was not about to admit I was fake dating her brother.

  “Yes, we really broke up. Neither of us were really into it,” I state. We were sitting on the couch in my living room, watching Catfish on MTV.

  “Good. And I’m glad it was a big production. I couldn’t have lived the rest of the school year if you’d had a bad break up. Channing would have exiled you and I would have been alone, again.” She pouts and I can only laugh.

  Sometimes she was really insightful, like her brother, but other times she was really dense. I didn’t care, because she was fun as hell and easy to talk to. It just amazes me sometimes.

  There’s a knock on the front door, so I get up to answer it. When I open it, I find an older lady standing there. She looks to be the same age as Grandma. Her hair is honey brown greying but she has the most amazing blue eyes. She’s also dressed expensively in a navy pantsuit. “Can I help you?” I ask, puzzled. If she’s a friend of Grandma’s I don’t know why she would be knocking on my door.

  “Yes, you can,” the woman says. “May I come in?” One of her eyebrow raises up and she shifts her purse from one hand to the other.

  “Umm sure?” Its sounds more like a question than an okay.

  I open the door wider for her entrance but I feel a sense of dread when Rachel spots the older lady. She quickly jumps up and smooths out her jeans. “Good afternoon, Mrs. Southerland.” I freeze where I’m standing just behind her.

  Looks like my other grandmother is back in town.

  Chapter 16

  “LOVELY TO SEE you again, Rachel. I trust your mother is well?” she softly inquires of my friend. Margret is quietly intimidating and I don’t know whether to run screaming or face her down.

  “Yes ma’am.” Rachel looks between Margret and I before she quickly packs up her stuff. “I’ll see you later, Paisley,” she murmurs on her way out the door. Well, so much for support.

  There is an awkward silence that seems to go on forever. I finally look up at her, wondering why she is being so quiet. What I see in her deep blue eyes will haunt me for a long time. “Are you okay?” I ask her. I seriously think she is about to cry, and of course that makes me want to cry.

  She clears her throat and takes a seat on my couch. “Yes dear. I just haven’t seen my youngest son in so many years. Well, except in pictures. They never do him justice, but you, you look so much like him.” She sniffles a bit and I feel my eyes well. For someone who doesn’t give a crap about anything, this is making me want to cry.

  “I’m sorry,” I blurt out. It’s not like I meant to come here and make her upset. She did come to me.

  She pats the seat next to her and I find myself sitting there with her. “No need to apologize dear, none of this is your fault.” She pats my hand gently and looks away. “No, I’m afraid this is all my fault.”

  I wrap my fingers around hers. I’ve never been in a position where I needed to be comforted, but I think this is what I would like someone to do if I ever needed it. “I’m sure that’s not true,” I tell her, even though if what Grandma told me is true, it’s very much her fault.

  She laughs, which startles me. “I’m sure your other grandmother explained everything. I trust she painted me in the bad light, and her in the good.” She shakes her head and shifts around until she is facing me. “I was very much in love with your grandfather, but Henry was always who I wanted. Your grandmother didn’t know about me and when Henry told me he couldn’t marry me because he was in love with her, I went a little insane. I disappeared and found my husband in an old family friend. He gave me two beautiful sons and I should have been happy. I was still angry about it when I moved back. I had no idea that Henry now had three children. Let alone two girls. Charles was smitten with Virginia from the moment they met. Miranda likes to say I put him up to it but that wasn’t the case.

  “No, I told him to stay away from her. I think that only made him want her more. By the time they eloped, there was nothing I could do.” She lifts up a delicate hand to wipe away a tear. “I loved your father with all my heart. I would never have made him do what she said I did. Both of my sons are my life. Now you and Channing help make up my family.

  “I used to talk about one day meeting you. One day finding you and getting to know you. It broke my heart when your mother took you. She was the reason Charles started his drinking. She was selfish and vain. She just wanted his money, even though she had plenty of her own. She was cheating on him and doing drugs while pregnant with you.”

  I suck in a shocked gasp and blink my eyes a few times. Every time on of these people tell me about my mother, it just gets worse.

  “I’m sorry Paisley, I didn’t mean to speak out against your mother, I’m sure you love her very much-“

  “Actually I didn’t really know my mother. She was usually too high to take care of my little sister or me. I don’t have a very high opinion of her anyway.” I didn’t mean to interrupt her, but I don’t want her to think she hurt my feelings.

  “Well then I’m sorry for all that she put you through. You know for a while Charles wasn’t even sure you were his, but he loved you anyway. We all did. But the day you were born, you looked just like him, no one could doubt.” She shakes her head and sits up a little straighter. “Channing seems to think I want you two together, but that’s not the case. That’s the main reason I came to see you today. Yes I talked of you often, but I didn’t know you. I had no idea you had grown into such a beautiful young woman.”

  “Then why does Channing and everyone else think you want us together?” I ask, because this has been the most annoying question since I moved here.

  “I said once, a long time ago, that it would be nice if you were here and he could form a relationship with you. I never told him I meant friendship. I’m no matchmaker. But with Channing you have to explain what you mean in detail. He takes the wrong things to heart. Though I blame that on his mother.”

  I bite my lip, wondering if I should even ask about his mother. It’s none of my business, but I still want to know as much as I can about Channing. It’s a sick and twisted thing, but its true. “What was his mother like?”

  She sighs and looks out the window. “She was much like your mother. Tho
ugh instead of ignoring him, she paid too much attention. And she liked alcohol, instead of drugs. She died of lung cancer a few years ago.” She looks back at me and her face is grim. I don’t think I’ll like what she has to say next. “Channing’s mother was a sick woman. She picked out his clothes every morning, even when he was old enough to do it himself. She made him be serious every second of every day. He never got to have fun or enjoy being a child. If he messed up or spoke up, she would hit him. I didn’t know this until she was sick. She never did it in front of us, so we had no idea. Channing wouldn’t talk about it. He still won’t talk about it. I worry for him, that maybe he won’t ever learn to be a normal man. And you never know what he’s thinking, because he always wears a blank mask.

  “Richard, your uncle, married his mother when Channing was five. His own father was long out of the picture. I was against the match, but I couldn’t tell Richard that. From the moment I met Channing, I fell in love. He was a beautiful little boy, but so serious. I used to try to get him laugh or play but only when his mother wasn’t around. I was terrified she would take him from us. Richard became attached as well. When Cassandra, Channing’s mother, went away on business trips, you would sometimes see him smile or laugh, but he went back to normal when she returned. Now he’s too withdrawn, to beaten by the past. I wish more then anything I could find something to fix him. That young man would be amazing if he’d learn to laugh and be silly.” She chuckles almost like she’s remembering something. “We all need to laugh and be silly.”

  I almost blurt out I know what Channing’s thinking. But I think she might read too much into that. I sit there for a while, trying to comprehend everything she just told me. I realize now why Grandma got to me first. She wanted to fill my head with fluff to make me dislike Gram. And that’s what I’m going to call her. It fits perfectly.

  I’m about to start a conversation, so we could get to know each other when my front door bursts open. I stare wide-eyed at Channing, who stands there with wind blown hair and wild eyes. When he sees Gram sitting there, he groans.

  “Channing, dear, what’s wrong?” Gram says, rising to her feet and hurrying over to him.

  My breathing becomes labored and my chest flutters when his eye meet mine. He’s scared right now, of what I don’t know. The fear shines through so clear I get up. “Channing, are you okay?” I reach out to touch his arm, but he flinches back. I try to pretend that didn’t hurt.

  He takes a deep breath. “I’m fine. Richard said you were here. I thought you told me we could talk before you came to see her?” His voice is blank and emotionless, but those eyes are still full of fear.

  “I didn’t think I needed your permission to come talk to my own granddaughter. Besides, she’s been nice and listened to me, even when I got a little upset.” She looks over at me and grabs my hand to squeeze it.

  He notices the movement and scowls. I want to shout out, “Hey look a facial expression!” but I don’t. That would definitely make things get bad. “What are you so scared about?” I question him instead. I don’t know why, but I really want to figure him out. Starting with why he’s so scared for me to talk to Gram.

  “I’m not scared, Paisley,” he mutters looking me over before heading out the door.

  I’ve had enough of this crap! I follow him out before I know what I’m doing. “Yes you are!” I yell at him, startling him in the process. “I can see it in your eyes.”

  He stiffens his shoulders and turns around to face me. “You can?” He takes a huge gulp and I study him. That’s when it hits me. Channing is lonely and vulnerable, still that lost little boy.

  “Answer the question,” I snap. I’m not about to discuss how I can see his emotions. That might be a little too much for me today.

  “No,” he snaps back turning around and heading towards his property.

  I sigh and head after him. I started this, so I’m going to finish it. “Yes. Stop and tell me now.” He doesn’t stop so I keep going. “I’m going to follow you until you tell me. I’ll also ask you every five minutes.”

  He spins around and takes two deep strides until he’s in front of me. “I was afraid of what she would tell you. I still don’t know what she told you, but considering you’re following me right now, she told you what I didn’t want you to know.”

  “That your mom was crazy? Why does that matter? Have you not heard about mine? She was plenty nuts herself,” I tell him rolling my eyes. I don’t know why he would care if I knew. He freaking hates me.

  He closes his eyes for a second, before those smoky blues laser beam onto me. “I didn’t want you to know, because of the look on your face. I didn’t want you to feel like we have something in common. Or that I needed to be fixed.” He moves even closer until he’s right in my face. “Don’t get pretty little ideas in your head, Paisley, you can’t fix me and I don’t want you to.”

  Tears burn the back of my throat. I want to tell him he’s lying but he refuses to ever let me in. I realize that now. I think subconsciously I had wanted to know everything I could about him. I wanted to fix him, because let’s face it – women always want to fix a man. Him not letting me makes my heart break in half. I have a wonderful gift of lying to myself. I wanted him to let me in, but I couldn’t even admit it to myself.

  This is the last time Channing Southerland will ever hurt me.

  “I never wanted to fix you,” I snarl out. “I just wanted everything I could to destroy you.”

  Chapter 17

  RIGHT, SO IT wasn’t my finest moment. I felt like crap right after I said it. He didn’t say anything and in true Channing fashion, he just walked away. I feel like he’s always walking away from me.

  It never hurt more than it does right now. I thought he was the way he is because he was just an asshole. Then I find out he’s like this because of his mother. I can relate to that. This makes him appear more human, something I didn’t think would ever happen.

  I have to physically force myself from going after him. I’m coming to realize that if you push him, he won’t push back. He’ll hurt you. He’s guarding all his secrets and it freaks me out. You can be that closed off and not be lonely.

  Who am I kidding? I see it in his eyes how lonely he is.

  I make my way over to Gram and she wraps an arm around my shoulders. “Give him a while. You’ll break through that wall. I’m thinking right about now you’re the only one who can.”

  ***

  Gram invited me over for Sunday dinner. She wants me to meet my uncle and see pictures of my father. I wanted to turn her down, but I’m pretty sure the second she tells Channing I’m coming, he’ll bolt.

  Grandma was not happy that Gram came over to talk to me. I told her I didn’t really care if she was mad. This made her eyes bug out of her head. Then I explained how she made it seem like everything was Gram’s fault, when it was all on my mother. This made her storm out of the room. Papaw walked into the room after her, asking what happened. I explained everything to him and he let me know that Grandma is still hurt by the loss of her daughter. It was just easier for her to blame everyone else, rather than my mother.

  I guess I could understand that, but still, she lied about someone who wasn’t there to defend themself. I don’t believe that’s right and I told him that. Papaw explained that while what Grandma did was wrong, he knows she was hurting and lashing out. My mother had to get it from somewhere.

  Now I’m standing in front of the mirror on the back of my bedroom door. My dress is white and reaches down to my knees. It’s only a sundress but it looks great on me. I wear my hair down and put on light make-up. I wear some white flats and a black jacket to keep the October chill from my bones.

  I thought about taking the woods to their house, but then I thought better of it. I would probably get lost. Channing would find my body months later, after I’d died and he’d never tell anyone where I was.

  I shake my head at the thought and climb into my Camaro. Gram gave me directions and I find the
house easily enough. Though this house puts my grandparents house to shame. It’s a huge sprawling mansion on a hill. Its an off white color with blue shutters. The circle driveway brings me to the front door.

  After I knock on the front door, an older man, in his forties maybe answers the door. Immediately I can tell this is my uncle Richard. His smile is friendly. His blue eyes sparkle and I wonder if he’s going to cry, but I throw the thought away.

  “Its nice to finally meet you, Paisley.” He states opening the door wider so I can enter. Gram is standing just inside the foyer, her arms in front, hands clasps. I stop breathing when I see Channing next to her. His eyes take me in and I grow hot. Even mad at him and hurt, that look makes me want to jump him.

  “You know Channing right?” Uncle Richard asks, placing his hand on the small of my back, bringing me over to the other two people in the room.

  That is the most loaded question I’ve ever heard. “Not really,” I mutter. Channing blinks but doesn’t give anything else away. Richard just chuckles.

  “Lets sit down at the table,” Gram says, ushering Channing through an open door way.

  In the foyer there’s a spiraling staircase with a landing. The floors are dark hardwood and creak under my feet. The walls are painted in a lovely grey, pleasing to the eyes.

  The dining room is set up with a table that could seat twenty. Richard leads me to my seat. He takes the seat at the end, with me on the inside. Gram takes the opposite from him, so Channing has to sit in front of me. I get a little nervous, but I figure he’ll play nice in front of his family.

  A man in a dark uniform enters with trays of food. One is set in front of me and I feel a little awkward about eating fancy food. Though once the lid comes off, I realize its only a salad.

  Richard and Gram start asking me all kinds of questions. Where did I grow up, what was my mother like, they wanted to know about BeeBee, if I had any good friends, generally they wanted to know what my life was like. I was a little stand offish at first, but I only realized they were trying to get to know me. Seems I could offer up information.