by Amanda Heath
I turn in his arms and throw my arms over his shoulders. Tears start falling out of my eyes and I hug him as hard as I can. “You don’t have to tell me anymore. I’m sorry I pushed you to tell me. I should have kept my mouth shut.” I sob into his neck.
His arms band tight around my waist and he buries his face in my hair. After he calms a bit he places his hands on my face and pulls it up to look at him. Wet trails lead down his face and I start sobbing harder. “I love you, Paisley, and I know you love me. I can feel that in every inch of my body every time you look at me, touch me, stand beside me. You have to know these things because I want you to know me. I want you to know all the bad things with all the good things. Yeah, she was a sick-fucking bitch, but I had Richard and Margret. They didn’t know what she was doing because I never told anyone. I should have though. I look back on it now and I know they had the power to stop her. I was just so scared she would take them away from me.”
“I’m sorry you had to grow up like that,” I whisper looking in his smoky eyes.
He lays his forehead on mine and just breathes me in. “You didn’t have it easy either. The only difference is I had the power to change it, you didn’t. I was never happier than the day my mom died. She wouldn’t ever lock me in my room again. She wouldn’t ever not feed me. She wouldn’t ever crawl into my bed late at night again.”
I don’t want to know, but I have to ask. “What did she do to you?”
He closes his eyes and another tear leaks out. “She never made me have sex with her. She just wanted to touch me, to try to make me feel good. I used to throw up when she did. That just made her angry, but she would leave. Then I snuck Royal in one night. He was asleep on the floor when she walked in. She didn’t see him but he heard what happened. The next day I couldn’t even look at him, but he kept telling me it wasn’t my fault. Then he found a lock in his dad’s garage and showed me how to put it on the inside of my door. She never said anything but she couldn’t. Margret and Richard would find out what was going on then.”
I start kissing his face and rubbing his back. That’s all the comfort I know to give. “I’m sorry baby.”
“This right here. You and me. This heals me, Paisley. You make me feel whole and loved beyond belief. The way you’re looking at me right now, this is the last time you’ll look at me like that. I’m not scared, sad, or fucked up about it anymore. I let it all go when she died. You got to let it go for me, because I can’t go back to that place. Ever again.”
I kiss him hard, running my fingers through his hair and thrusting my tongue into his mouth. When we both start panting, I break from his lips and smile down at him. “I’m over it. It’s gone but never forgotten.”
He gives me a slow tender kiss before walking me back to my house. We are silent but our fingers are intertwined, connecting us together. It’s the best feeling in the world, us being together right now. I love him enough to forgive him for not telling me those things about his mom, but I understand now why it took so long. He had to know I was in love with him. That I would keep all his secrets.
We make love when we return to my house. It’s slow, achingly tender and full of love. Afterwards he tucks me beside him, with my head on his chest and his arm trailing up and down my back. It’s perfect and nothing could ever ruin what we have. There’s peace in knowing that.
I may have thought I would never fall in love, but I’m glad I did. I never knew how much I needed this connection. Something Channing said about never knowing love until Richard and Gram, it hit me close to my heart. I think that’s why Channing and I connect the way we do.
His mother didn’t show him love. Neither did mine. I knew love from Carly, but it wasn’t the same. She couldn’t take care of me and sometimes she let me down. I knew love from BeeBee, but it’s still not the same. She was a baby and loved me because I took care of her. In a way BeeBee loves me the way I should have loved my mom. But she couldn’t be bothered to care for me.
We are quiet for a while before I bring up his sister. “I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but you should really go meet your sister.”
He flinches but doesn’t get angry or push me aside. “I know. I always felt like she abandoned me when my parents got divorced. Something about my father scared her mother, so she never let her come over to see me. I thought I wasn’t good enough to be her brother, you know. Then Pierce started all his shit and I realized she didn’t need me. She’s got two younger brothers who would kill for her. What’s the point of having another one? But I know I was being stupid.” He sighs and I feel it in every inch of my body. He’s really letting all the things that upset him go. He’s moving on and making a better like with me. “I’ll agree to meet her.”
“Good.”
With Channing though, he loves me with everything in him. He has for a while, but I didn’t feel it before. Not until he told me about his Mom. Those things were hard for him to say and I realize I shouldn’t have pushed, but he also showed me he loved me enough to hurt himself. He let all that stuff go, but he dragged it back up for me.
I’ll love him for the rest of my life because of that.
“Thanks, baby.” He whispers just before I fall asleep.
Chapter 29
THE NEXT MORNING, I’d like to say I woke up happy in Channing’s arms and that we had a morning quickie, but if I said that, I’d be a liar. No, what woke me up this morning were raised voices. The voices of Gram, Grandma, and Papaw. They were all screaming at each other, and it was so loud you could hear it through my walls.
I got up quickly and put on some clothes. Channing groaned and said, “Come back to bed. We don’t have school today.” His voice is muffled considering it’s under his pillow. I guess he can’t hear the voices under there.
“Get up. My grandparents are fighting outside.” I finished pulling on my pants and tossed on a sweater with no bra. Maggie is sitting at the front door whining and pawing at the door. I let her out and head out into the battle being fought by the pool.
Channing is right behind me in just a pair of jeans. I grab his hand and race up to the screaming elderly people. “I have custody of her!” my grandma screams.
“They will both be eighteen soon. What does it matter? It’s not like they are just screwing to piss us off. They love each other,” Gram screams right back. Great they are fighting about us.
“Both of you need to calm down,” Papaw says quietly but sternly. It doesn’t do anything though.
Channing pulls me over so he’s towering over the fighting ladies. “What’s going on here?” he asks, pulling me until I stop at his side where he wraps his arm around my waist.
Grandma sees this and her face turns even redder than it was. “You are what’s going on here!” she seethes, spittle coming out of her mouth. I look at her in shock. This isn’t the Grandma I had come to know. She’s angry and acting like a child. The pink juicy jogging suit doesn’t help with that image either.
“What the fuck did I do?” Channing says, walking right up into her face. I put my hand on his stomach and try to push him back.
“Calm down, Channing. Miranda is just throwing a fit because she can’t stand your relationship with Paisley,” Gram tells him, placing a hand on his arm.
He looks over at her, and his face changes. It goes from angry to calm and he nods at her. I’m not all that calm though. “Excuse me? What’s wrong with Channing? I thought you liked him?” I ask Grandma.
She finally turns towards me and glares. “You’re just like your mother. Doing whatever you want, no matter who you hurt.”
My eyes bug out of my head. I’m also speechless. I have no idea where this is coming from. I go to school when I’m not sick, and I get good grades. I party a little but not like the night Channing and I hooked up in my car. I haven’t gotten into any trouble while living here and I still help out with my sister.
“Miranda!” Papaw states his voice full of venom. “What is the matter with you?”
; “Those two are!” Grandma screams pointing her finger at Channing and Gram. “They want everything I have! She already got one daughter she can’t have my oldest granddaughter too!”
“Virginia married Charles on her own! She wanted to be with him. I had nothing to do with it. I wasn’t even in the country until their wedding.” Then she does something I never thought I would see her do. She gets all up in Grandma’s face and sticks her index finger right in her face. “Channing is the most wonderful young man in this town. You should be proud Paisley fell in love with him. And that he fell in love with her. They aren’t hurting a soul being together. Plus, they are great for each other.” Gram finally realizes she’s all up in Grandma’s face and backs up a few steps. “If you remember, Channing didn’t talk much, never really did anything but party and swim. Hell, the boy never smiled or laughed. The first time I witnessed them together, he laughed. And he smiled.
“Paisley didn’t care about anything. She didn’t even want to be here, didn’t want to know us, but he opened her up; just the way she opened him up. You should be happy they are both happy.”
“I don’t give a damn if they are happy. He’s sleeping in her bed, like they are married, and I’ll be damned if I ever see them get married. She is to have nothing to do with any Southerland. Even you.” More spittle comes out while Grandma yells in Gram’s face. Then she turns to me. “If you want to stay in your little sister’s life, then you better break up with that boy right now.”
Channing’s arm tightens painfully around my waist. I’m speechless again.
This bitch just threatened me with my sister?
Oh hell no.
I walk right up into her face this time. “If you think for one second you can do anything to keep me from my sister, then you better be ready to fight, bitch. I can whine and cry to every judge in this county about how you don’t even pay attention to my little sister. The only interaction she has if with her nanny, Papaw and me. I have enough money to bring you down. Channing stays and so do I. I will ruin you.” I back up until I feel Channing right behind me. “Besides, I have three witness to you threatening me.”
“You have nothing,” she spits out, but she knows I have everything. The second I get kicked out of this house, I’ll spend every dime I have to get BeeBee in my custody. And she knows it.
Gram comes to stand on the other side of me and grabs my hand. “Miranda, I think it’s time you let this grudge you have against me go.”
And now Grandma is back to being pissed off. “I have no grudge against you! Every single one of you Southerlands are trash! All you care about is yourself and what you can do to get more money. I won’t have my granddaughter around you kind of people.”
I sigh. “You do realize I’m half Southerland right? I mean my father is Gram’s son. So you’re calling me trash, too. Besides I don’t know what you’re talking about them wanting more money, when your own daughter ran off with me because she didn’t get anything in my father’s will.”
“She didn’t run off because she didn’t get any money! She ran off because I made her! I wouldn’t have you ruining my life anymore then you already had! You’re a piece of filth just like your father! That’s why I refused to send money to your mother when she needed it for you!”
When it hits me it hits me hard.
She knew where we were the entire time.
She could have helped me.
This is when I fall to my feet. Tears burn the back of my eyes and throat. Channing though falls with me. He whispers in my ear things like “I love you baby,” “You have me now,” and “It’s okay, it’s going to be all right.” I hear an older man bellowing at Grandma and I assume it’s Papaw. My heart hurts and I can’t feel my hands.
Then something breaks though. “You let her marry that piece of shit man! I wasn’t about to take care of his offspring!”
I break out of Channing’s arms, but I still feel him wrapping those arms around my waist. “How can you say that? How could you let her starve me? My mother did drugs in front of me! In front of BeeBee! She didn’t care that we were in the house! She didn’t love either of us! And you knew where we were the entire time? What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Now I’m screaming but I don’t care. I want to punch this old lady in the face, but I won’t. She’d probably have me arrested for assault.
“Miranda, you need to get out,” my papaw says behind Grandma. I buckle again but Channing holds me up. Then he picks me up under my back and knees and carries me to my house. He lays me down on my bed and I just start crying. He lies behind me, curling his body around me. Maggie jumps on the bed and lies at my feet.
I cry for hours.
***
Later that night Papaw and Gram come into my house. Papaw brings BeeBee and I’ve never been so happy to see her. By this point Channing and I have moved into the living room. He turned the TV on but I wasn’t paying attention to it.
BeeBee climbs on my couch and into my lap. I wrap my arms around her tiny body and hold back tears. I keep telling myself things are way better now, that I don’t have to worry. I just feel like someone is going to take all this away from me. I could live without the money, but I would always need Channing.
Papaw clears his throat and I finally notice he looks eternally sad. His eyes are red and bloodshot, his dress shirt is wrinkled and his normally styled hair is falling into his eyes. “I’m sorry, Paisley. I’m so sorry,” he says to me. Gram grabs his hand and pats his shoulder.
“Did you know where we were?” His answer determines everything.
He breaks out into a sob before answering. “No, honey, I didn’t. If I had known, you would have lived here your whole life.” Gram leads him to sit down on the other side of my couch. “I knew Virginia wasn’t in her right mind. I knew it, but I never thought she would run off with you. I didn’t even know your Grandmother cut her off until she said she found you. I would never have let that happen either. At least with money, you would have been taken care of.” His head falls into his hands and he sobs again. The sound is broken and heart breaking.
Gram takes over from there. “We’ve gone through your mother’s personal affects and found a few things. There was letter upon letter of her asking your grandmother for money. She kept the replies, too.” She stares at me hard and I wonder what she’s not telling me. “I shouldn’t even tell you this, but I figure you have a right to know.” She sighs and moves to the edge of the couch. “Your grandmother stated that if your mother got rid of you, then she could have her trust fund back. Your mother might not have been the best of mothers, but she never gave you up for the money. That should tell you she loved you in her own way.”
“What happens now?” I mumble, numb to my bones.
“Your grandfather kicked Miranda out, and she has one month to get all her stuff out. She isn’t allowed contact with you or BeeBee.” She looks back at Papaw and pats his hand. “Miranda and Henry have decided to get a divorce. He wanted you to be the first to know.”
I get up off the couch with BeeBee in my arms and I walk to Papaw. I throw one arm around him and bury my face in his shoulder. “It’s not your fault, Papaw. Neither of them were right in the head.” And they can’t be. You can’t do the things that they did and be completely sane.
“I should have seen the signs. She hid it all from me. Everything and I can’t believe I didn’t see it,” he mumbles, pressing his face into the top of our heads.
I leave BeeBee with Papaw because he seems to need her more than me. I need Channing though, so I cross back over to him and sit down. His arms immediately go around mine. “So if she really didn’t want anything to do with me, why did she bring us here?”
Gram is the one to answer. “Miranda said she wanted to bring BeeBee up to be a better daughter than Virginia. Little did we know that your mother left sole custody to Henry and then to you upon your eighteenth birthday. She always seemed so truthful, no one ever questioned her.”
“So she sticks me out of
sight in the guesthouse,” I mutter, saddened again by the fact no one has ever really wanted me. Until Channing.
They stay for a little bit longer, but BeeBee gets fussy and needs to go to bed. I walk with them to get her in her bed and I read her a story goodnight. Then I say goodnight to Gram and Papaw, who seem to be sharing a drink in his office. No one says anything about Channing staying with me tonight. I don’t think anyone will ever say anything about that.
Channing is already in my bed, in only his boxers. I wish I had the strength to make love to him, but this day has been completely draining. I take off my clothes and put on his shirt, which he left on my dresser. I climb in beside him and cuddle into his strong arms. “I love you, baby,” he whispers into my hair.
I want to cry again, but I refuse to cry over people who couldn’t care less if I was alive or dead. I’m done with that.
“I love you, too,” I say sleepily.
“Everything’s going to be okay. You know that right?” he inquires, tipping my chin until I look up at him.
I smile faintly before I answer. “Everything is okay as long as I have you.”
“Damn straight,” is his reply.
Epilogue
I WAS DEVASTATED about Grandma, but I didn’t dwell on it too long. If she doesn’t want to be apart of my life, then screw her. I’m fucking awesome and I have a man to tell me that everyday.
And he does.
Channing turned eighteen a few months ago and officially moved in with me. Papaw said I was welcome to move into the house, but I couldn’t leave my guesthouse. I might not ever leave it. It’s the only place that ever felt like home. And as long as Channing lives there with me, then it will always be home.
Grandma and Papaw’s divorce is still in the courts even though it’s been near four months. They have a lot of money and properties they have to spilt up, so I guess it’s taking longer than Papaw wants.