The Future Homemakers of America

by Laurie Graham

  ‘Not for Slick's want of asking,’ I said. ‘Fact is, she's still married to Ed.’

  We drove back past Mom's old house, so I could show Kath where I grew up. I had told her how things lay between me and my sister Connie.

  ‘I know you've had a falling out,’ she said. ‘But if you want to see if she's at home, I can sit outside in the motor. I don't mind waiting. Now you're here, that seems a pity not to bury the hatchet.’

  I said, ‘I don't want to, Kath. It's a closed chapter. I don't even know why I brought you here. There's nothing worth showing you.’

  The old place looked closed up anyhow. Maybe her and Bobby Earl won the lottery.

  ‘Well, now we're quits,’ she said. ‘You've seen where I was dragged up and I've seen where you were. Tell you what, Peg, we've both moved on.’

  When we got back, the doctor was making a house call. Betty had had a kind of a seizure and Carla had thought it was the end. It wasn't, though. They gave her a shot, made her sleep some more, and when she woke, about seven, she wanted iced tea, lime jello and company.

  ‘I don't know what all that was about,’ she said. ‘All my life I never got sick. Now everything's going wrong.’

  I said, ‘You want to see if they're still showing re-runs of the wedding?’

  ‘No,’ she said. ‘Yes. Why? Did I miss it?’

  I said to Carla, ‘Now what?’

  ‘I'm getting her back into State tomorrow,’ she said. ‘Time has come to move some family ass.’ She got on to Ed, and to Sherry. Then Lois called. Carla put me on.

  Lo said, ‘I'm coming. I decided. Carla says she don't have long.’

  I said, ‘I don't know. She was talking us through Lady Di's wedding, this morning. She just had a setback this afternoon is all.’

  ‘I'm out of the door,’ she said. ‘I just have a board package to deliver, then I'm on my way. Will you pick me up? I'll get Herb to call, tell you what time my plane gets in.’

  I said, ‘Will do. We're at the Pan American, got their weekly rate. You want me to get you a room?’

  ‘Yeah,’ she said, ‘and, Peg? Is Betty all hooked up to stuff? She got machines keeping her alive?’

  I said, ‘You've seen too many hospital shows.’

  ‘Okay,’ she said. ‘So definitely no machines and no tubes?’

  ‘Definitely,’ I said.

  ‘I'm on my way,’ she said.

  I looked in on Betty before we left. I said, ‘Time to break out that fancy New York negligée. The Lois Moon Experience is heading your way.’

  97

  I left Kath taking turns with Carla and Slick, went to pick up Lois up from the airport. I could see her big red hair bobbing towards me as she came through Arrivals, weaving in and out, trying to get past the slow movers. She was carrying more weight than she used to, but nothing else had changed. She never stopped talking, even when she was filling her mouth with candy, which was most of the time.

  ‘Christ, they've taken the joy out of flying,’ she said. ‘All that time on the freeway. Then all that time waiting in line to check your bag. Least when we were Dependants we could just climb aboard the transport and go. Wasn't always my destination of choice, but at least you didn't have to get felt-up by some security dyke before they'd let you near a plane. And those cabin girls! Why do they have to talk to you like you're five years old? What kind of moron do they think can't work out a seat belt? I tell you. They giving Betty stuff for the pain?’

  I said, ‘Yes. She's going peaceful. We're just hoping she doesn't have no more seizures. Every time she gets one, she's confused afterwards. It's because the cancer has gone into her brain.’

  Lo said, ‘Oh my God, Peg. Don't tell me any more.’

  I said, ‘She knows you're coming though. She's so excited. You ever considered, Lo, the only time people make a real effort for you is when you're dying?’

  ‘I guess,’ she said ‘This is the weirdest trip I ever took, no two ways. And I've been working right up to the last minute. I've had this divine eight-room in the Wyatt, it's a co-op, pre-war, view across to the lake, fireplaces, two maids’ rooms, it's the dog's cojones, found a buyer and then the board turned him down, so I had to start over, showing it again. I mean, I knew I could sell it, it's such a gem. It's just they're so goddamned particular. Anyway, I found them an Arab. He's happy. They're happy. I have to be back for the closing. Then I'll be happy. He'll probably bring the money in cash. In his Louis Vuitton.’

  I said, ‘Ed's on his way. And you know Kath's here?’

  ‘Yeah?’ she said. ‘Imagine that. You think there'll be a gathering of the clans when my time comes? There won't ‘cause there'll be none of you left. I'll see you all out. How about Gayle and Mrs Full-Bird Colonel?’

  I said, ‘Gayle and Lemarr are doing a healing tour of Kentucky and Missouri. But they're saying prayers for Betty. Audrey's disappeared. Last we heard, she was baling out her English gentleman. He had troubles of a financial nature.’

  ‘No shit?’ she said. ‘You think she had to give back that diamond splinter?’

  I said, ‘We're nearly there. You want to go right in, or get a coffee or something?’

  ‘I'll see her first,’ she said, ‘while my courage is up. Does she look real sick?’

  I said, ‘I guess. I've been around her so much this week, I'm not sure any more. Sometimes she wants to lie there quiet, but she still likes to have people sit with her. Then she perks up, wants to talk. She talks about stuff I don't think I'd be bothered with if I was dying.’

  ‘Yeah?’ she said. ‘What, like meatloaf recipes?’

  They were just changing her sheets when we got there. That was always a signal for her to get upset. I hadn't thought to warn Lois about that. She just barged right in.

  ‘Okay, Gillis,’ she said. ‘What are you doing in the sack this time of day? Call yourself a homemaker? I want you out of that cot, get these floors waxed, get this gear squared away.’

  Then she saw Betty was crying. ‘Betty, darling,’ she said, ‘don't cry now! I didn't mean it!’

  Betty was going through that great bag of hers, looking for Kleenex. ‘Oh, Lois,’ she said. ‘I'm in such a fix. I had a little accident. They keep on happening and I feel so bad, these poor nurses having to clean up after me.’

  ‘Will you stop that!’ Lo said. ‘Just quit being so goddarned considerate. It's what they do. They get paid. And all they have to do is drop the stuff in the hamper. Jeez, Betty. Listen to you anybody'd think they had to haul those sheets down to the river or something. Bash them with rocks to get them clean. You ever hear of a thing called a hospital laundry? There are people down there waiting for your sheets. You are keeping people in employment. Think of that. You could be the difference between some little beaner going home with a paycheque, feeding his family, paying his dues, or getting laid off. You keep those dirty sheets coming, girl. You are helping keep some nose-miner off welfare.’

  She kept it up for a full hour till Slick come back to take another turn. He musta wondered what the heck was going on, as he came back along the corridor, Lois's voice booming away and Betty squealing for mercy.

  I said, ‘It's okay. She's laughing, not crying. The comedy act has arrived.’

  But when we got out of there, left Slick to it, Lo looked shattered.

  We drove to the motel and Lois checked in while I showered. Kath was resting. She had been with Betty, reading, all morning – reading her the papers, about the royal honeymoon.

  I said, ‘Lo's arrived. You coming out for fajitas?’

  So the three of us drove to Bravo Bravo, and the first beer didn't touch the sides.

  Lois said, ‘Jeez, I don't know if I can go through that again.’

  I said, ‘You don't have to. Betty just wants folk around. Doesn't have to be non-stop cabaret.’

  ‘Well,’ she said, ‘seems to me she has enough visitors can do gloom. It's like a chapel of rest in there already. Hell, at least I got a laugh out of her.’

&
nbsp; I said, ‘Lois, I'm just trying to help. You tired yourself out in there, and you probably tired Betty too.’

  ‘Tired her?’ she said. ‘She's about to rest for all eternity. What's wrong with tiring her, as you put it? Besides, it's a known fact that laughter is good for the health. I need another beer. And who was the sadsack in the white socks?’

  I said, ‘That was Slick.’

  She roared. ‘Slick! Somebody with a big sense of irony give him that, or did he just get the wrong name? He ever think of changing it to Hump? Or Stump.’

  Kath said, ‘I don't see why you have to pick on him. He's a kind man. And he loves Betty.’

  I said, ‘Yes, anybody else you'd care to take a poke at? I mean, I know you only just got here, but you're a fast study …’

  ‘I know,’ she said. ‘Let's have a row. I'll go out, come in again, do something that really frosts you, like smile or say something carefree, and then we can have it all out. You can rub my nose in everything I ever did wrong …’

  I said, ‘Not enough time.’

  ‘… we can have a full and frank. Where is that moron waitress with my beer? Clear the air about all the ways I ever offended your tight-ass sensibilities. You up for that, Kath?’

  Kath said, ‘You really want to fight with me, Lois?’ She said it so calm and even, but there was something dangerous in it. Lois quieted down.

  The girl had brung a mountain of nachos and we sat in silence for a while. Not a one of us was hungry, but we still kept pecking at them. Then Lois caught hold of my hand, on the way to the dish. ‘I'm sorry,’ she said.

  I looked across to Kath. So far from home, caught up in stupid arguing. I grabbed her hand. Lois grabbed the other one. We looked like we were trying to make contact with the dead.

  Lois said, ‘I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.’

  The fajitas arrived.

  ‘You must admit, though, girls,’ she said. ‘Betty's guy is definitely more like a Stump than a Slick.’

  Kath just shook her lilac head.

  98

  I stopped knowing what day of the week it was. I hardly even knew the time of day. We just rotated back and forth, motel, hospital, Betty's place, coffee shop.

  I left Kath at the mall, getting a few things for Betty, and I drove across to State. First thing I saw when I stepped out of the elevator was Lois, standing by the ice machine talking to an old guy. It was only when he spoke I realised it was Ed.

  He still wore a crewcut. He was still kinda hard and square. Only he had grown wider, same as the rest of us, and his face had deep, deep lines. He looked like a real old boy who still liked to stay in shape. An old grandpop who did push-ups.

  Lo said, ‘You know who this is, Ed?’

  He shook his head.

  She said, ‘It's Peggy Dewey. From 96th. You remember Vern?’

  He chuckled. ‘Vern Dewey!’ he said. ‘That young son of a gun. Well, I'll be darned.’

  I said, ‘How're you doing, Ed?’

  ‘Good,’ he said. ‘I'm doing good. Vern okay?’

  I didn't trouble him with the details.

  Lois said, ‘I was just saying to Ed, us girls have kept up all these years. It's a pity the boys didn't do the same. Herb's always wondering where everyone got to.’

  Let him wonder, was what I thought. I knew Vern wouldn't give a pig's patootie to know where Ed was at. Nor Herb neither, after the business with Kirk.

  Sherry had arrived too. Her and Carla were sitting in with Betty.

  I said, ‘You still in Warsaw, Ed?’

  ‘Still in Warsaw,’ he said.

  I said, ‘Long-distance driving? Is that what I heard?’

  ‘Pretty much,’ he said.

  ‘Oh,’ Lois said, digging me in the ribs, ‘there's Mr Stump. I'll just go and have a word to him.’

  I hadn't even noticed Slick come in.

  I said, ‘Well, it's a sad thing to see you under these circumstances, Ed.’ I was talking like I was at the wake already.

  ‘Yup,’ he said. ‘I come down on Route 65, far as Nashville, crossed into Arkansas at Memphis, slept in the rig.’

  I said, ‘I'm in Dallas now. Crystal's in Maine.’

  ‘Yup,’ he said, like he already knew. ‘Could have gone right on down to the Pontchartrain interchange and then come across on Route 10 …

  Lois was flagging me to walk with him a while, away from where she was standing with Slick.

  ‘… I come the Fort Worth way, though. Come round on the Lyndon B. Johnson Freeway and then south on 35.’

  When Sherry come out of Betty's room, snuffling into a Kleenex, Ed figured it was his turn and Slick was right behind him. Carla came to the door, gave me a tired wave.

  ‘Dad,’ she said. ‘I'd appreciate it if you'd wait a while and let Slick come on through. Mom's asking for him.’

  Ed went back to his seat, never said anything. I was cat-napping, Lo was flicking through the property pages. Suddenly she said, ‘Uh-oh. There's some kinda Spandex Freak Show just tumbled outta the elevator.’

  It was Deana, with Dawn and Dixie. They went into a huddle with Ed, never even spoke to us. A nurse went in to Betty. Then another one. I was just starting to wonder what was keeping Kath when she appeared. She had brought cut flowers and cologne.

  I walked across to Betty's room. Thought I'd wave to her at least. Let her know we were there. I couldn't really see her, though. Just Carla standing there and Slick hunched over in his chair. A nurse come and shut the door in my face.

  I heard Deana say, ‘It's not right. We're family. We shouldn't be waiting out here.’

  Dixie went to get a soda from the machine. Lois started clearing candy-wrappers out of her bag. Ed was cracking the visor of his Wooster Cement baseball cap back and forth. Kath just sat there, gazing into space.

  Then she started to gather her things together. ‘There's no sense just sitting,’ she said. ‘Why don't I come back later? You give her the flowers. And just dab a bit of cologne on her pillow. That's got a nice refreshing smell. Tell her I'll be back later.’

  I said, ‘Don't go, Kath.’ And I heard something inside Betty's room. Maybe it was just somebody moving a chair. Or a voice. Something, though. And Lois heard it too. She looked at me and looked away again fast.

  It was a while before Carla come out. ‘She's gone,’ she said. ‘Five minutes ago. She's gone.’

  Deana started howling. Dawn followed suit.

  I heard Lois say, ‘Shit!’

  Carla said we could go in and see her, if we wanted, after Slick and the family.

  I said, ‘You all right, honey?’

  ‘No, Aunty Peggy,’ she said. ‘I'm not one bit all right.’

  We waited in line. Slick come out eventually, didn't look anywhere except down and there was a nurse had hold of his arm, taking him somewhere private I suppose. Then Deana and her brats and Sherry went in, keening and holding each other up, and Ed, shuffling in behind them. He looked kind of bashful. That just left us, plus a domestic pushing a floor-polisher around.

  Lois said, ‘Would it be really bad form if I didn't go in and see her?’

  I said, ‘No. Idiot.’

  She said, ‘You going in?’

  I said, I guess.’

  She said, ‘You going, Kath?’

  ‘Oh yes,’ she said. ‘I believe in it. That's all part of it. That's how you start getting used to the idea they're really gone.’

  We all went together.

  ‘See?’ I said to Lo. ‘It's only Betty. There's nothing to be afraid of.’

  There was, though. It was the first time I ever had seen a dead person.

  Lois whispered, ‘It's like getting in to see the Pope or something. It's like meeting somebody who's done something really amazing.’

  That was about right. Betty had upped and left us. Little Betty, who never went anywhere or did anything.

  Kath kissed her goodbye, so I did too, but really we'd said goodbye the night before. Only we didn't know it at the time.
Lo stayed far back from the bed.

  She said, ‘Is she cold?’

  She wasn't. But she was definitely gone. There was no arguing against it. I guess that was what I didn't like about it. We couldn't play it again.

  Just as we were leaving, Lo changed her mind and went right over to her. She touched her hand, fluffed her hair.

  ‘Bye, Pie-Crust Queen,’ she said. ‘Rest in peace. God knows you earned it.’

  Once every twenty-five years or so Lois does something makes you realise why you love her.

  When we come out, Ed was down the hall, breaking his knuckles on the soda machine. There was no sign of Carla and the rest of them.

  Kath said, ‘Drop of the hard stuff. That's what I need.’

  So we drove round to O'Malley's, to drink Betty God speed.

  Lo said, ‘Peg, I noticed she had a couple of whiskers under her chin. Will they get rid of them? Will the mortician get rid of them, before people come viewing her?

  I said, ‘Who?’

  ‘Whiskers,’ she said. ‘You have to promise me now, if I do go before you, you'll make sure I'm tidied up before they put me on display. Bring your tweezers. It's no use leaving it to Herb. He'll be too busy picking out the wood for my casket.’

  I said, ‘You are nuts.’

  ‘Very possibly,’ she said. ‘But I still don't want people knowing I have facial hair.’

  Kath said, ‘The fourth of August – it's the Queen Mother's birthday.’

  Lo said, ‘Well there you go. Betty always looked for a royal tie-in.’

  It sure beat dying on Nutro Labs Opportunity Day.

  99

  Twenty-four hours after Betty passed over, all hell broke loose.

  Sherry wanted her cremated. She said she'd take the urn back to New Mexico, scatter the ashes in the desert, dust to dust and all that. Slick said Betty would want a plain Christian burial with a sitting-up and a Methodist preacher. Ed said why didn't Slick Bonney butt out of what only concerned family and if that was too hard for him to understand, he'd be happy to take him outside and make it real clear. He said this even though he had his explaining hand bound up. I guess the soda machine had won.