by Burkey, Dana
“Not going to lie,” Lexi began while spraying on a little more extreme hold hair spray. “I kind of want to dye my hair when I cut it. I want to try purple or red.”
“Really?” I asked, turning away from my phone to look at her.
“Yeah,” she nodded. “Our uniforms are going to be just black and white with silver so I was thinking if I had bright colored hair then it would look super cool on the mat and everything.”
“Everyone is voting for purple,” I told her, reading as viewers began writing their thoughts. “Do you really think Tonya’s going to let you dye it?”
“Hopefully,” she shrugged. “Okay, your hair’s all done.”
“What do you guys think?” I asked, then picked up my phone and handed it to Lexi so she could get a shot of me moving around so everyone could see the hairstyle from all sides. She had done two French braids that started at the front of my head and eventually met to make a half ponytail. Everything else was curled super tight in little spirals properly coated in performance level hair products.
With most people commenting how much they loved it while also asking more questions about my team, my routine, or even just random things, the chat was a flurry of activity. But, despite all that, I noticed as soon as a comment from Jackson popped up on the screen. His comment was simply a “Hey Max, the hair look great.” It was no different than many of the others on the screen, but my eyes focused on it immediately. So much so, in fact, that I spoke before thinking it through.
“Thanks Jackson,” I said, then immediately covered. “Thank Amber and Bethany. Yeah, we will for sure do a live video once they have their hair cut too Kelsey.”
I continued responding out loud to some of the comments, then decided to end the video. We had been live for over half an hour, so it wasn’t like I was cutting it short or anything. But, as I thanked everyone for joining and finally stopped filming, Lexi and Halley both looked a little confused. I saved the live stream to my Instagram story before turning to my friends.
“What?” I asked, slipping past them to look at myself in the mirror mounted to my closet door.
“Good question,” Halley replied. “What was that?”
“Um, a live stream?” The statement came out sounding like more of a question, despite trying to appear confident in my answer.
“Was the Jackson in the chat just now the one that’s on Nitro?” I replied to Lexi’s question with a simple nod, which seemed to only encourage her to keep talking. “So why did you freak out when he said something?”
“What? I didn’t freak out.” I turned to face my friends, trying to keep my face blank of all expressions.
“Sure.” Lexi spoke the word slowly, looking from me to Halley and back again. “And you ended the live stream for no reason?”
“It was already a long video,” I said simply, eager to end the conversation. “So are you guys going to do your makeup too so we can take photos?”
“In a minute,” Halley assured me. “But first I want to look up Jackson’s Instagram.”
Lexi agreed right away, scooting over to sit next to Halley as she searched. It only took a second or two before they were making comments about his photos. They mentioned that he looked like he was a good base thanks to his stunting photos, commented that they remembered his gym from a few competitions, and then finally said the same words Whitney had a few days prior.
“He’s really cute.” Halley spoke the words then looked right at me. I didn’t know what to do, so I simply shrugged. This made both of my friends giggle, and look at each other with massive grins.
“What?” I asked them, feeling suddenly insecure.
“You totally like him,” Lexi said in a very matter of fact tone.
“What? That’s crazy.” As I spoke the words, I could feel my stomach churning suddenly. “He’s my base and a teammate. That's all.”
“Okay. Then why are you blushing just talking about him?”
At Halley's question I spun around and glanced in the mirror. To my shock and horror my cheeks were a deep red, much darker than they should have been through the blush my friends put on my face. Reaching up a hand to touch my skin I could feel the warmth growing as seeing my blushing face only made me suddenly more embarrassed.
“This doesn't prove I like him though,” I said as I turned around, my voice as unsure sounding as I felt.
“Maybe not, but you think he’s cute right?” I shrugged at the question from Halley. “Well, how do you feel around him?”
“Nervous,” I answered honestly.
“Well, if you didn’t like him why would you be nervous?” As Lexi spoke she stood up from my bedroom floor and walked closer to me. Halley followed.
“I’m just nervous because he’s new,” I said, my words not very convincing. “When he got to the gym he knew who I was, and it looks like he’s been following me on Instagram for a while. And when I was tumbling with him the other day he was really good, and I felt lame only being able to do a layout around him.”
“Is that all?” Halley asked with a bit of a laugh.
“Stunting with him is really different,” I sighed. “I’m so used to Connor or Matthew, or even Gwen during my skills class. But with him it’s weird. He’s not tall like Connor or Matthew, but he’s really strong and it just makes me feel weird.”
“Alright, so he’s strong and good at cheer and makes you feel ‘weird’ but you still don’t think you have a crush on him?” Lexi asked, her eyebrows rising higher as she spoke.
“I don’t know,” I admitted slowly. “I’ve never had someone make me feel nervous like this. It’s weird, and annoying. He’s just a boy.”
“A really cute boy,” Lexi reminded me.
“Who’s good at cheer and was basically already a fan of yours before coming to the gym,” Halley added.
“So that means I like him?” Both of my friends nodded in reply to my question, which didn’t help to ease my growing stress about him. Joining cheerleading and getting used to wearing glitter was one thing. But to have my friends help me see that I was starting to like someone who might be on my team was a lot to take in. It might have just been my tomboy side freaking out, but I didn’t like the realization at all.
The rest of the sleepover was much less stressful. Once I came to terms with the fact that the way I was feeling about Jackson meant I liked him, it was almost a relief to tell my friends. Sure, they pretty much figured it out before me, but actually telling them I thought he was cute was a big step. I didn’t bother telling them about the weird chill I got before we did our first partner stunt together though, feeling like it would have led to even more joking about me not realizing I liked him. The truth was though, until it was pointed out I didn’t know why I was feeling the way I did. Jackson was the first boy I ever liked, and everything about it was new to me!
As planned, we took a lot of selfies after Lexi and Halley both did their makeup, then we watched movies until well after we should have gone to bed. Thankfully we got to sleep in and still made it to the gym with enough time for me to get some good stretching in before Nitro began practicing. Lexi and Halley were using the open trampoline track to practice their tumbling, not wanting to go home just to head back to the gym for their practices a few hours later. The second Jackson walked in the door, however, I noticed they kept looking my way. It was distracting to say the least.
“Does this mean you’re going to curl your hair more often?” Emma was asking me while we both stretched.
“No way,” I assured her. “We just slept in too late for swimming this morning. If it wasn’t for Lexi and Halley I could go months without curling my hair.”
“It looks really good though.”
The comment came from Jackson who was taking a seat with Emma and I on the mat. I managed a thank you before changing the subject. “So how was the drive today?”
“Long,” Jackson said with a frown.
“Really long,” Nina agreed. “There was an accident just
outside of town so our plan to get here early didn’t work at all.”
“Do you think your families will try to move here?” I asked, remembering the comment Lexi and Halley had made.
“My mom is a principal, so moving this close to the start of school would never work for her,” Nina explained.
“But TJ said he was talking to some people to see if we can maybe stay with a family from the gym for the season,” Jackson added. “I guess there’s one family that had some kids leave for college in the last few years. They still have a few more kids at the gym, but think they might have rooms for us to live there this year. The last name is like McDay something.”
“McDunn,” Emma corrected him. “DiAddison and Breanne were both on Bomb Squad until they graduated two years ago. I’m pretty sure they cheer at UT now.”
“Yup,” Whitney confirmed. “And then Annie is on senior 3 and their son Bobby is on junior restricted 5. Their mom helped out a lot when I was on junior 4 with Annie last year and they’re all really great.”
“We’ve only met them once but they seemed really nice,” Nina explained. “My mom and Jackson’s mom are doing a lot of the planning and talking with them right now, but if it works out then we’ll get to move in at some point after camp. Our families are going to be in town for the showcase next Sunday so that’s when I think we’ll finalize everything.”
“Are you guys going to go to school around here then?” Nick asked.
“Nope,” Jackson said with the shake of his head. “I’ve been doing online school for basically forever since my family moved around a lot when I was little. Nina’s going to start trying it too.”
“So you’re kind of home schooling, moving two hours away from your family, and starting a new cheer gym,” Emma summarized. “Aren’t you super nervous?”
“Yes,” Nina said immediately. “But it should be pretty fun too.”
“I’m not nervous at all.” It looked like Jackson glanced at me before he continued, although I could have imagined that one. “I was only at EAST for two years, and when I started there it was a lot of getting to know everyone. Doing it again shouldn't be too hard.”
Before I could ask Jackson where he used to cheer before EAST, TJ called out that it was time to start practice. I found Sara right away, glad to have her as my running partner. Chatting with her got my mind off the questions popping up in my head about Jackson. I was still feeling nervous around him, and was glad to just spend some time focusing on the run. We were running faster than we had been so far, but it was still slower than I would have gone on my own. Sara’s progress was easy to see though as we finally made it into the gym before a handful of athletes.
“How are you doing?” I asked Sara who was breathing pretty heavily after the workout.
“Tired,” she laughed. “But good. It’s funny, but I kind of hate running a little less lately. Only a little bit though.”
“Yeah, it’s always going to be a little annoying,” I agreed. “But I figure, the sooner I finish, the sooner I can move on to something else.”
“Really?” she asked. “Last year you always finished the run first so I figured you liked it.”
“I just liked finishing first for bragging rights,” I assured her. “I actually like it a little more now that I can just do it to complete the miles. Not to mention it’s fun getting to hang out with you instead of just racing the whole time.”
“That’s helped me a lot too.”
As Sara walked to her cubby to get her water bottle, I looked over to see Lexi and Halley working on their tumbling. It was most likely due to the fact that everyone on Nitro had been out of the gym on our run. I had a feeling they would be paying attention again once we got to work. Which, much to my dismay, began with partner stunts after we were done with the rest of our usual conditioning. Being paired up with Jackson made me instantly nervous. So much so that as I went into the air for a basic ball up to heel stretch, I came down out of the stunt immediately.
“You okay?” he asked me, his arms still holding onto my waist from when he caught me on the way down.
“I’m good,” I said quickly.
Once the other stunt groups had their fliers on the ground, TJ counted us in to try it again. And again I found staying in the air to be a struggle. I waved my arms out, pushing at the air to keep my balance. The leg that should have been next to my head in a heel stretch was instead next to my straight leg I was standing on. All of the flailing managed to keep me more or less in the air, not that it mattered much. In a competition the deductions for what I was doing were hardly better than a fall. Jackson held onto me as long as he could, then finally popped me up and forward to get me to come down out of the attempted stunt. He again caught me and left his hands on my waist for an extra second or two while checking that I was okay. Of course, by doing so, he wasn’t helping me regain my focus at all.
“What’s going on Max?” TJ asked me, one eyebrow raised in confusion and concern.
“I don’t know,” I lied. “I’m just having a hard time focusing today.”
“I can tell,” he nodded. “This might be the first time I’ve ever seen you drop a stunt twice in a row.”
I frowned, feeling beyond defeated. Mostly because he was right. Even when I was newer to cheer, the only place that I had stunt falls was in my skills class. Those were all usually caused by the fact I was still a level 3 or 4 athlete learning level 5 skills. That was when I was expected to fall. During Nitro practice, however, staying in the air was easy. When falls did happen, only few and far between, it was usually because of something my base or stunt group did. The two falls I had just experienced, however, were all because of me.
“I can do this,” I told TJ, although I knew I was also saying it for my own benefit.
“Don’t put too much pressure on yourself,” TJ suggested, his expression softening. “You haven’t spent the whole summer doing stunts like this. Taking time off like you did can leave you rusty. If you need to take it a little slower we can.”
“No, I can do it,” I said again.
This time when I spoke, my words were driven by more than just my frustration at falling twice. This time I was driven by my need to prove to my coach and the other athletes that I was capable. Making mistakes because I was distracted wasn’t acceptable. Sure, it was only summer practices, but if I could let something like a boy mess with me so easily then how would I get through the pressure of returning to Worlds or walking out onto the mat to perform against our biggest competition. I took a deep breath then turned to give Jackson a little nod, as if telling him I was ready to go. He nodded back, then flashed me a smile. I’m sure he meant it as encouragement, but I could feel it affecting my nerves right away. Turning to face TJ once again, I gritted my teeth and reminded myself I needed to focus no matter what. I knew it was going to be a hard task, but as Jackson placed his hands on my waist to get ready for the stunt yet again, I refused to think about anything but doing exactly what I needed to stay in the air.
“Everyone has bad days Max, don’t beat yourself up.”
The comment came from Juleah as she took a seat beside me on the blue spring-loaded floor where we had just been practicing. I was lying on my back, my eyes locked on the ceiling fan high above me. Like after most practices, I was feeling tired. But the usual tired feeling was accompanied by frustration and a little bit of anger this time. After the initial stunting issues, the rest of practice didn’t get any better. I wobbled in the air most of the times I didn’t plummet back to the ground, I was missing rotations on kick doubles, I was getting next to no height on my standing jumps, and I was a beat behind for the entire dance every time we ran it. Sure, dance was always my worst area in cheer, but considering it was the only thing I was allowed to work on when I first came back after my injury, it should have been the area where I was most improved. All of it made me frustrated to say the least, but the anger came from the reason behind it.
I knew the reason I was having
a hard time was because of Jackson. After my sleepover with Lexi and Halley I knew they were right. Jackson was cute, and my stomach tried to do little cartwheels every time I looked at him. But it was stupid. Losing focus was bad enough, but for me to lose focus because of a boy was even worse. Especially when it was a boy I had only known for a few days. Looking at his Instagram helped me feel like I knew Jackson a little more, not to mention we all got to hang for the long afternoon at my house. But I still felt like I didn't know him well enough for him to have such an effect on my cheerleading.
“I’m just too distracted today,” I mumbled, not quite ready to move from where I was laying.
“Is it because of what we said?” The comment was from Lexi as she and Halley came to join Juleah and me on the mat.
“Yeah, is this because of what we talked about last night?” Halley also asked.
“I don’t know,” I said with a sigh before finally sitting up. “I think so though.”
“Do I get to know what y’all talked about?” Juleah asked.
“I want to know too,” Emma announced as she joined the growing group of us on the mat. “Wait, what are you all talking about?”
“I’m as clueless as you are,” Juleah explained simply.
Despite knowing Emma and Juleah were both my friends, the idea of telling more people terrified me. Not because I wanted to keep secrets or exclude them at all. I just knew if I told them I liked Jackson, they were sure to get excited or giggle the way Lexi and Halley had. And from there more people would come over and want to know what was going on. And even more people after that. From there it would only be a matter of seconds before Jackson would find out and TJ would realize why I did a bad job on stunts. Then I would feel like even more of an idiot for not doing well during practice.
“I’ll tell you guys later,” I finally managed, hoping it was a good middle ground between not telling them but still including them.