Letting out a long breath, she closed her eyes. Please.
For a moment, Rose struggled to think of other words, something to help shape the yearning she had, to explain the hope and doubt that warred inside. She knew what she needed to do, but wasn’t sure how. In the end, she simply held the word in her heart. Please.
Pushing the gate open, Rose walked toward the part in the backyard, feeling as if her whole future happiness hinged on whatever lay just a few feet ahead.
***
Blue looked up as Rose walked around the corner of the house and felt the air stop in his lungs. She waved to Fr. Tom who was stirring the large cast iron kettle with a wooden paddle, nodded to Ruby who was dumping the corn husks on the compost pile, and then nervously glanced around the yard. Blue could hardly think through the pounding of the blood in his ears, but managed to close his mouth and straighten his expression just before they locked eyes.
She lifted her hand to her waist, then stopped, as if not completely sure whether to wave. Her lips tilted up just a bit but her eyes were full of worry. Blue thought of their last conversation, days ago, when he’d demanded answers and she’d refused. Night after night he’d lain awake since then, wishing he could go back and offer something other than his childish reaction. She owed him nothing. She’d promised nothing. She hadn’t been honest, but she hadn’t lied. He wasn’t sure why she’d hidden that fact from him, but he wished they could start over somehow.
Blue smiled and hoped against hope that she’d come over to say hello. He’d missed her with the kind of desperation he’d only felt once before in his life. If he hadn’t understood what he felt before their argument, he did now. There was no mistaking that pit in his stomach and the ache in his chest.
“Did you hear me, Blue?” Paul said, laughter coloring his words.
“What? Yes.” He turned back to Paul and tried to remember what they’d been discussing. Bluegill spawning, he thought. No, they’d moved on to Andy and his new boat. He’d started spending every Saturday on the river because his brother Mark loved the water.
Andy snorted. “I’ve seen that look somewhere before.”
“It was on your face, if I remember correctly,” Paul said. “During the Steel Magnolias festival, wasn’t it?”
Fr. Tom walked over to them, wiping his face with a white kitchen towel. “What was during the Steel Magnolias festival?”
Blue glared at Paul and Andy. “Nothing.”
Rose bent down to pick up Aurora, and then headed to Alice and Paul across the yard. She couldn’t possibly hear them but he still wished they would stop with the jokes.
“A look. Hard to describe. Happens in the presence of certain females. Usually they live down the hall,” Andy said.
“Sure, I know that look. I think I saw Gideon make that face once when Henry walked into the bookstore.” Fr. Tom held up his hands. “I think I can imitate it. Just a second.” He dropped all expression, let his mouth gape, opened his eyes wide, and adopted the posture of a caveman.
Blue made a noise in the back of his throat. “I looked nothing like that. I was just surprised. We had a…. Never mind. I just wasn’t sure she was coming to dinner.” He folded his arms over his chest.
“Uh oh. Had a fight?” asked Fr. Tom.
Gideon walked over, Bilbo at his side. The Irish red setter sniffed the air and scanned the area for unattended food. He was a notorious food thief and everyone had been warned to watch their plates. Mark held out a Pringle and Bilbo took it gently in his teeth. Everyone knew better than to feed a service dog without permission, but Mark was mentally handicapped and Bilbo had a weakness for snacks, so it passed without comment.
“Who had a fight?” Gideon asked.
“Nobody,” Blue said.
“Blue and Rose,” said Fr. Tom, Paul, and Andy at the same time.
“Things are moving quickly. First blush of infatuation is over and now onto the real thing. That’s what fights are good for.” Paul took a sip of his Coke and grinned.
Gideon made a face. “Sorry to hear it. Henry and I had some misunderstandings. Actually, quite a few. My fault, really.” He reached out and put a hand on Blue’s shoulder. “My best advice is just to talk it out. Love is worth the risk.”
Blue opened his mouth to speak but couldn’t find a thing to say. He didn’t know which was worse, getting a shoulder pat from the man who never came within five feet of anyone but his wife, or that the relationship advice was coming from the husband of the woman he once dated.
“What’s worth the risk?” Bix asked. He and Patty had followed the conversation and the group moved to let him in. Mark leaned over and gave Patty a Pringle.
“Love,” Paul said. “Blue had a fight with Rose and now he’s afraid to go talk to her.”
“I’m not― I just― I haven’t even had the chance to say hello,” Blue said.
“Boy, she’s a keeper. You get over there and apologize,” Bix said, his thick brows drawing down over his eyes. “I’m real fond of that girl and she’s great with the babies. You better go fix whatever ya done.”
“What’s broken?” asked Austin, walking by. He had his arms full of paper plates and a stack of plastic cups.
“Nothing. I didn’t do anything.” Blue felt his face go hot.
“Blue and Rose had a fight,” Fr. Tom said.
“Fighting is bad,” Mark said, frowning. “Bad, bad.” He offered Blue a Pringle and Blue took it with a sigh.
“Gotcha,” Austin said, nodding knowingly. “It’s better just to say you’re sorry. Get it over with. Not that Charlie is ever mad at me, of course.”
“Flowers. Ruby loves flowers. Sometimes I’ll buy them before I tell her something she might not want to hear, like when she kept making me pineapple cheese salad and thought it was my favorite. Takes the sting out of it, ya know,” Bix said.
“She’s not mad at me, exactly. Well, maybe she is. I said some things.” Blue didn’t know how to explain without giving them a blow-by-blow of the entire conversation. “I just didn’t know she was a lawyer. I don’t know why she didn’t tell me. I was surprised and probably didn’t express it well.”
They made various noises of understanding and sympathy. Paul had stopped grinning and concern flashed over his face.
Andy grimaced. “Sorry, that was my fault. I was trying to be helpful. Not my strong suit.”
“Like I said, better talk about it.” Gideon looked serious.
Blue looked around at the group of men and his irritation faded away. As much as he chafed under their nosy interference, they meant well and cared about both of them. His father had never done anything but offer terrible advice, and tell him he was too stupid to think for himself.
“Okay,” he said. “I did bring something, just in case she showed up for dinner. It’s not much. Something I made that I thought she’d like.”
“Gifts are good,” Bix said, nodding. “Ruby can’t stay mad when I give her something pretty.”
“Handmade? Good choice,” Gideon said.
“Where is it?” Austin looked him up and down as if Blue had brought Rose a bouquet of flowers and they were hiding in his pockets.
“Pringles?” asked Mark.
Fr. Tom wiggled his eyebrows. “Is it round and have a diamond in it?”
“Doesn’t have to be spendy. Just meaningful,” Andy said.
Blue pulled the envelope from the back pocket of his jeans and carefully removed the six inch square piece of cardstock.
“That’s― You made that?” Paul said, his voice soft with awe.
“Bird,” said Mark.
“It’s a poem she said she liked. Ruined it once, actually, and had to start over,” Blue said.
Bix leaned over, squinting. “You’ll have to describe it to me, son.”
“Sorry,” Blue said, embarrassed that he’d forgotten Bix’s handicap. “It’s a raven, wings spread out. But the feathers are made from words. Actually, almost the whole bird is made from words. You start
at the feet, go up one side, read the other wing, and down again. It’s Poe’s poem.”
Andy was shaking his head. “I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s amazing.”
Fr. Tom had taken the card from Blue and was examining it. “At first I thought it was just a really detailed drawing.”
“It’s calligraphy and drawing. Or drawing with calligraphy.”
“That’s… I…” Austin shook his head. “I don’t know what to say except she can’t be mad at you after this.”
Blue took back the card and put it in the envelope. “She might not even let me give it to her. I don’t know.”
“She will,” Fr. Tom said, smiling. “Trust me on this. I’m never wrong about these things.”
He looked around at the little group again and nodded. “Okay. Here I go. Wish me luck.”
Bix murmured something that sounded like “God bless you” and they patted him on the back as he left the circle. Blue had the sudden image of going off to war and choked back a laugh.
Rose didn’t look up from where she sat next to Alice. They seemed deep in conversation, each holding one of the babies. Rose reached up to wiped her cheek and suddenly Blue lost his nerve. He turned toward the cast iron pot, instead.
He glanced back to see the group all giving subtle― and not so subtle― gestures of disapproval.
Ignoring them, he went to stand next to Ruby. He’d make himself useful, and when it was time, if he got a chance, he’d talk to Rose. The timing had to be right. He’d already hurt her by demanding she tell him everything. He’d be more careful now. Whatever it was, he wanted her to know that he wasn’t there to judge.
Chapter Eighteen
“The past can't hurt you anymore, not unless you let it.”
― Alan Moore
Rose touched the letters Emily Jane’s light blue shirt and thought how true it was. It read ‘Some people care too much. I think it’s called love.’ Winnie the Pooh and Piglet stood underneath the words, hand in hand.
Alice was nursing Elizabeth, as usual. The little girl wasn’t happy unless she was eating or sleeping. The rest of the time was spent telling the world how unhappy she was. Maybe Rose had imagined it, but the hours she spent crying seemed to be not as long. Or it might be wishful thinking. Alice took Elizabeth out from under the blanket and straightened her shirt. “That should hold her for another ten minutes,” Alice said, seating the little baby face out and rubbing her back.
“I see we’re in an A. A. Milne mood,” Rose said. Elizabeth’s shirt had Piglet with a dandelion and the words, ‘Weeds are flowers, too, once you get to know them.”
“I’m always in an A.A. Milne mood,” Alice said.
They lapsed back into silence, watching the group on the other side of the lawn. “I wonder what they’re talking about,” Rose said. Blue looked positively annoyed.
“I think I can guess.”
Rose wanted deny it had anything to do with her, but maybe Blue had admitted their relationship was fake from the beginning and they were giving him the ‘what for’. It was one more thing on Rose’s conscience, but there was one more thing she had to discuss before she tackled that subject.
“Austin mentioned something today,” Rose said. Even though she tried not to, her voice went tight as she said, “About your parents.”
Alice looked up. “I wasn’t sure if you knew.”
“I didn’t,” Rose said. Maybe she should have researched them more thoroughly.
“They died when I was nine. They were coming home from a party. I’d begged to stay with my cousins. My father had been drinking. It was late and pitch black on those backroads. The curve was too sharp.” Alice’s voice was flat, but the pain on her face explained everything she felt.
Rose tried to listen without emotion. She didn’t want to cry, not now, in front of Alice. Her pain was so much greater, and Rose was the one reduced to tears. “I’m so sorry.”
Alice’s green eyes were wet but her voice was steady. “After the accident, everyone blamed each other. If only my uncle had taken the keys, if only my mamere hadn’t let them go, if only cousin Louis hadn’t bought the beer, if only someone had been watching. If only, if only. Endlessly.”
“How can you stand me? Knowing what you know, how can you share your children with me?” Her voice was thick with tears.
“Two of my uncles haven’t spoken for decades. My mamere fell into a deep depression, which didn’t help her raise me and my older brothers. My cousin Louis left town and never came back. Did any of that blaming help?”
“Someone has to take the blame,” Rose said. “A family was destroyed and someone should be held accountable.”
Alice stared down at the baby in her arms. “What is done, is done. Punishing the people who were left didn’t make my parents any less dead.”
“Why did you pick me? I know Andy and my brother in law met at some conference or meeting. But that can’t be everything. Just knowing how to care for twins can’t be all the requirements. It’s too much of a coincidence.” Rose was half-afraid that Alice would say she hadn’t known until they’d already invited her to interview for the job.
“It’s the year of mercy,” Alice said, as if that answered all her questions.
“The what?”
“Every year the Church offers a new theme for the year, something to help us become better Christians. We’re supposed to emulate it in any way we can. Paul and I talked about our biggest hurts, where we held the most anger. Mine was toward my father and how he destroyed our family that night.”
“I was a project.”
Alice smiled. “Not exactly. We donated to the MADD campaign here, brought in speakers to the schools, paid for ads that educated people on the dangers of drunk driving. I felt like I was doing something, but it’s not really mercy, is it?”
She knew how fighting against something could help ease the pain, but it didn’t heal it, really.
“Andy mentioned you and we thought you sounded perfect, so Paul looked into your background.” Alice looked apologetic. “I’m sure you understand. Any employer would do the same.”
Rose nodded. That’s why she’d been working for her sister. It was hard to get any kind of real job as someone fresh out of jail.
“He told me what he’d found and at first I was disappointed. We really needed some help, and I didn’t want to interview dozens of strangers. But one night after praying about it, I remembered that it was the year of mercy. Maybe you really were the right person for the job, after all.”
Rose knew she shouldn’t feel hurt but her heart was sinking. All of their time together, all the talks and companionable silences were simply Alice showing mercy?
“Extending the interview to you was an act of mercy. I wouldn’t have hired you if we didn’t think you were perfect for the girls… and the bookstore.” She shot a look toward Blue. “Anyone we hired would become part of our extended family.”
Rose looked down at Emily Jane. She’d felt welcomed from the very beginning. There was no hesitation in either Paul or Alice. “I’ve never felt so at home anywhere before. Maybe not even at my real home.”
“You became my friend, and I’m so grateful you’re here.” Alice smiled, blinking back tears. “That’s the miracle of mercy, isn’t it? You extend one small offering in faith and it opens up your life in ways you couldn’t have seen before.”
Rose wiped her cheek. “I’ve found more than friendship here. And I don’t just mean Blue. My life has changed in ways―”
Aurora ran over and kissed Alice on the knee, then ran away again. Alice met Rose’s gaze and even though both of them had been in tears moments before, they started to laugh.
“There’s nothing like a toddler to bring you back from the brink.”
The brink. She’d been there. She knew what it felt like to teeter on the edge, helpless and grieving. “My twin nephews did that for me. They took a lot of work, and I think that helped, being busy. But it was also, just holding
them, being near someone who wasn’t thinking about anything but food and sleep and being cuddled. Hard to explain, really.”
“I know what you mean. I hope that I’ll give them as much as they’ve given me, but I know that I can’t. They’ve repaired parts of me that I thought would always be broken.”
“I don’t know if I’ll ever be whole again. Then again, I wasn’t such a great person to start with, really.”
Alice was quiet for a moment. “That’s not what I see. I think you’ve changed, Rose. The accident changed the person you were, to someone who cares deeply. You do consider every angle of your actions and how it affects the people around you,” Alice said. “Just like Blue.”
Rose couldn’t help glancing in his direction. He was standing near the pot, chatting with Ruby. She was holding up a crawfish and pointing out something near its tail end. Blue looked over and caught Rose’s eye.
She wasn’t sure if Alice was right but she wanted her to be. But then, in the last four years she’d wanted a lot of things she couldn’t have.
“I think he’s headed over here. Finally,” Alice said. “I should give him the what-for. Standing over there, talking to all the guys as if you don’t exist.”
“No, don’t. It’s not that. We had a… disagreement. My fault. Totally.”
“You didn’t say anything.” Alice looked alarmed. “You should have said something.”
“Why? There’s nothing you can do.” She almost laughed at the idea of Alice taking Blue to task every time they quarreled.
“I could tell him to stop being upset and give you a little credit. I’m very persuasive.”
“I don’t doubt that.” Rose watched Blue walk toward them and realized that as much as she wanted to pick up where they left off, she couldn’t. They had to go backwards and start again.
“Alice,” she said, turning to her and speaking in a low voice. “I want to apologize for something.”
“Okay.” She looked surprised.
“Blue and I were faking. The dating, I mean. We thought it would make everybody stop harassing us.”
Along the Cane River: Books 1-5 in the Inspirational Cane River Romance Series Page 115