Ryan - 04 - Broken Harbour

by Tana French

  I asked, “Did you talk to him about it?”

  “No. I was too embarrassed. I mean, my sister . . .” Fiona ran her hands through her hair, pulling it forward to hide her cheeks. “I just broke it off. It wasn’t that big a deal. It wasn’t like I was in love with him. We were just kids.”

  But it must have been a big deal, all the same. My sister . . . Richie shoved back his chair and headed across to switch on the electric kettle again. He said easily, over his shoulder, “I remember you told us Pat got jealous of other guys fancying Jenny, back when you were teenagers. Was that Conor, yeah?”

  That brought Fiona’s head up, but he was shaking a coffee sachet and looking at her with simple interest. She said, “He wasn’t jealous like you mean. He just . . . he’d noticed it, too. So when I broke up with Conor, Pat got me on my own a couple of days later and asked me was that why. I didn’t want to tell him, but Pat . . . he’s really easy to talk to. I always told him stuff. He was like my big brother. So we ended up talking about it.”

  Richie whistled. “When I was a young fella,” he said, “I would’ve been raging if my mate was after my girlfriend. I’m not the violent type, but he’d’ve got a smack in the puss.”

  “I think Pat thought about it. I mean”—a sudden flash of alarm—“he wasn’t the violent type either, not ever, but like you said . . . He was pretty angry. He’d called round to our house to see me—Jenny was out shopping—and when I told him he just walked out. He was white; his face looked like it was made out of something solid. I was actually scared—not that I thought he’d do anything to Conor, I knew he wouldn’t, but I just . . . I thought what if everyone found out, it’d smash the gang to pieces, everything would be horrible. I wished . . .” She ducked her head. More quietly, down to her mug: “I wished I’d kept my stupid mouth shut. Or just never gone near Conor to begin with.”

  I said, “It was hardly your fault. You couldn’t have known. Or could you?”

  Fiona shrugged. “Probably not. I felt like I could’ve, though. Like, why would he be into me when Jenny was around?” Her head was tucked down lower.

  There it was again, that glimpse of something deep and tangled, stretched between her and Jenny. I said, “That must have been pretty humiliating.”

  “I survived. I mean, I was sixteen; everything was humiliating.”

  She was trying to turn it into a joke, but it fell flat. Richie gave her a grin, as he leaned over her shoulder to take her mug, but she passed it to him without catching his eye. I said, “Pat wasn’t the only one who had a right to be pissed off. Weren’t you angry, too? With Jenny, or Conor, or both?”

  “I wasn’t that kind of kid. I just felt like it was my own fault. For being such an idiot.”

  I asked, “And Pat didn’t get physical with Conor after all?”

  “I don’t think so. Neither of them had bruises or anything, not that I saw. I don’t know exactly what happened. Pat phoned me the next day and said not to worry about it, forget we ever had the conversation. I asked him what happened, but all he’d say was that it wasn’t going to be a problem any more.”

  In other words, Pat had kept control, dealt neatly with a nasty situation and kept the drama to a minimum. Conor, meanwhile, had been smacked down good and hard by Pat, humiliated even more excruciatingly than Fiona, and left in no doubt that he didn’t have a chance in hell with Jenny. This time I did look at Richie. He was messing with tea bags.

  I asked, “And was it a problem after that?”

  “No. Never. None of us ever said anything about it. Conor was extra nice to me for a while, like maybe he was trying to make up for things going wrong—except he always was nice to me anyway, so . . . And I got the feeling he was keeping his distance from Jenny—nothing too obvious, but he made sure it was never just the two of them going anywhere, stuff like that. Basically, though, everything went back to normal.”

  Fiona had her head bent, picking bobbles of fluff off the sleeve of her cardigan, and the residue of that blush was still on her cheeks. I asked, “Did Jenny find out?”

  “That I’d broken up with Conor? She couldn’t exactly miss it.”

  “That he had been interested in her.”

  The tinge of red deepened again. “I think she did, actually. I mean, I actually think she might have known all along. I never told her, and no way would Conor have, or Pat—he’s really protective, he wouldn’t have wanted to worry her. But one night, a couple of weeks after that stuff with Pat happened, Jenny came into my room—we were getting ready for bed, she was already in her pajamas. She was just standing there, messing with my hair clips, sticking them on the ends of her fingers and stuff. In the end I was like, ‘What?’ She goes, ‘I’m really sorry about you and Conor.’ I said something like, ‘I’m fine, I don’t care’—I mean, it had been weeks, she’d already said it a load of times, I didn’t know what she was getting at—but she went, ‘No, seriously. If it was my fault—if I could’ve done anything differently . . . I mean, I’m so, so sorry, that’s all.’”

  Fiona laughed, a small wry breath. “God, we were both dying of embarrassment. I was like, ‘No, it wasn’t your fault, why would it be your fault, I’m fine, good night . . .’ I just wanted her to leave. Jenny—for a second I thought she was going to say something else, so I stuck my head in the wardrobe and started throwing clothes around, like I was getting out stuff for the next day. When I looked around, she’d gone. We never talked about it again, but that’s why I figured she knew. About Conor.”

  “And she was worried that you felt she’d been leading him on,” I said. “Did you?”

  “I never even thought about it.” Fiona caught my questioning eyebrow, and her eyes skipped away. “Well. I mean, I thought about it, but I never blamed her for . . . Jenny liked flirting. She liked getting attention from guys—she was eighteen, of course she did. I don’t think she encouraged Conor, exactly, but I think she knew he was into her, and I think she enjoyed it. That’s all.”

  I asked, “Do you think she did anything about it?”

  Fiona’s head snapped up and she stared at me. “Like what? Like telling him to back off? Or like getting together with him?”

  I said blandly, “Either one.”

  “She was going out with Pat! Like seriously going out, not just kid stuff. They were in love. And Jenny’s not some kind of two-timing— That’s my sister you’re talking about.”

  I raised my hands. “I’m not doubting for a second that they were in love. But a teenage girl, just starting to realize that she’s going to spend the rest of her life with the same man: she could panic, feel like she needed one little moment with another guy before she settled down. That wouldn’t make her a slut.”

  Fiona was shaking her head, hair flying. “You don’t get it. Jenny— When she does something, she does it properly. Even if she hadn’t been crazy about Pat—and she was—she’d never cheat on anyone. Not even a kiss.”

  She was telling the truth, but that didn’t mean she was right. Once Conor’s mind started breaking loose from its moorings, one old kiss could have grown into a million sweet possibilities, swaying just out of reach. “Fair enough,” I said. “What about confronting Conor? Would she have done that?”

  “I don’t think so. I mean, what for? What good would it have done? It would’ve just embarrassed everyone, and maybe messed up Pat and Conor. Jenny wouldn’t have wanted that. She’s not some drama queen.”

  Richie poured boiling water. “I’d have said Pat and Conor were already well messed up, no? I mean, even if Pat didn’t give Conor a few slaps that day, he wasn’t a holy martyr. He couldn’t exactly keep on being mates like nothing had happened.”

  “Why not? It’s not like Conor had done anything. They were best friends; they weren’t going to let something like that wreck everything. Is any of this . . . ? Why . . . ? I mean, it was like eleven yea
rs ago.”

  Fiona was starting to look wary. Richie shrugged, dumping a tea bag in the bin. “I’m only saying: they must’ve been pretty close, if they got past something like that. I’ve had good mates in my time, but I’ve got to say, any of that carry-on and they’d’ve been on their bikes.”

  “They were. Close. We all were, but Pat and Conor, they were different. I think . . .” Richie handed her a fresh mug of tea; she swirled the spoon in it absently. She was concentrating, feeling for the words. “I always thought it was because of their dads. Conor’s dad, like I told you, he wasn’t around, and Pat’s dad died when he was like eight . . . That makes a difference. To guys, especially. There’s something about guys who had to be the man of the family when they were just kids. Guys who had to be too responsible, too early. It shows.”

  Fiona glanced up; our eyes met, and for some reason hers skipped away, too quickly. “Anyway,” she said. “They had that in common. I guess it was a big deal to them both, having someone around who understood. Sometimes they used to go for walks, just the two of them—like down the beach, or wherever. I used to watch them. Sometimes they wouldn’t even talk; just walk, like close together, so their shoulders were practically touching. In step. They’d get back looking calmer; smoothed out. They were good for each other. When you’ve got a friend like that, you’d do a lot to hang on to him.”

  The sudden, painful flare of envy caught me by surprise. I was a loner, my last few years in school. I could have done with a friend like that.

  Richie said, “You would, all right. I know you said college got in the way, but I’d say it took more than just that to make you lot drop each other.”

  Fiona said, unexpectedly, “Yeah, it did. I think when you’re kids, you’re less . . . defined? Then you get older and you start deciding what kind of person you want to be, and it doesn’t always match up with what your friends are turning into.”

  “I know what you mean. Me and my mates from school, we still meet up, but half of us want to talk about gigs and Xbox, and the other half want to talk about the color of baby shite. Lots of long silences, these days.” Richie slid into his seat, handed me a mug of coffee and took a big slug of his own. “So who went what way, in your gang?”

  “At first it was mostly Mac and Ian. They wanted to be, like, rich guys about town—Mac works for an estate agent, Ian does something in banking, I’m not even sure what. They started going to all the super-trendy places, like drinking in Café en Seine and then on to Lillie’s, places like that. When we’d all meet up, Ian would be telling you how much he paid for every single thing he was wearing, and Mac would be, like, shouting about how some girl had been all over him the night before and the tide wouldn’t take her out, but he was in the mood for some charity work so he threw her a length . . . They thought I was an idiot for going into photography—specially Mac—and he kept telling me I was an idiot and I was never going to make the big bucks and I should grow up, and I needed to buy myself some decent clothes so I’d have a chance at bagging a guy who could look after me. And then Ian’s company sent him to Chicago and Mac was mostly in Leitrim, selling apartments in these big developments down there, so we got out of touch. I figured . . .”

  She turned pages in the album, gave a wry little smile to a shot of the four lads making duck faces and faux-gangster hand signs. “I mean, an awful lot of people went like that during the boom. It’s not like Mac and Ian were going out of their way to be tossers; they were just doing what everyone else was. I figured they’d outgrow it. Up until then, they’re no fun to be around, but they’re still good guys, underneath. People you knew when you were teenagers, the ones who saw your stupidest haircut and the most embarrassing things you’ve done in your life, and they still cared about you after all that: they’re not replaceable, you know? I always thought we’d get back on track, someday. Now, after this . . . I don’t know.”

  The smile was gone. I asked, “Conor didn’t go to Lillie’s with them?”

  A momentary shadow of the smile flitted back. “God, no. Not his style.”

  “He’s more of a loner?”

  “Not a loner. I mean, he’d be down the pub having a laugh as much as anyone, but the pub wouldn’t be Lillie’s. Conor’s kind of intense. He never had any time for trendy stuff; he said that was letting other people make your decisions for you, and he was old enough to make his own. And he thought all the my-credit-card-is-bigger-than-your-credit-card stuff was idiotic. He said that to Ian and Mac, that they were turning into a pair of brain-dead sheep. They didn’t take it too well.”

  “An angry young man,” I said.

  Fiona shook her head. “Not angry. Just . . . what I said before. They didn’t match up any more, and that bothered all three of them. They took it out on each other.”

  If I stayed on Conor much longer, she was going to start wondering. “What about Shona? Who did she stop matching up with?”

  “Shona . . .” Fiona shrugged, eloquently. “Shona’s somewhere out there being the girl version of Mac and Ian. A lot of fake tan, a lot of labels, a lot of friends with fake tans and labels, and they’re bitchy—not once in a while, the way everyone is, but all the time. When we met up, she’d keep on making little snide comments about Conor’s haircut, or my clothes, and she’d get Mac and Ian laughing along—she was funny, she always was, but it didn’t use to be vicious funny. Then this one time a few years ago I texted her to see if she was on for pints, just like normal, and she basically texted me back saying she had got engaged—we hadn’t even met her boyfriend, all we knew was he was loaded—and she would die of embarrassment if her fiancé ever saw her with someone like me, so keep an eye on the Social and Personal sections for her wedding photos, bye!” Another dry little shrug. “Her, I’m not positive she’s going to outgrow it.”

  “What about Pat and Jenny?” I asked. “Did they want to be cool kids about town, too?”

  Pain arced across Fiona’s face, but she gave her head a quick jerk and shook it away, reached for her mug. “Sort of. Not like Ian and Mac, but yeah, they liked going to the in places, wearing the right stuff. For them, though, the big deal was always each other. Getting married, getting a house, having kids.”

  “Last time we talked, you mentioned that you and Jenny spoke every day, but you hadn’t seen each other in a long time. You drifted too. Was that why? She and Pat were on their own little domestic buzz, and it didn’t match with yours?”

  She flinched. “That sounds awful. But yeah, I guess that was it. The further they got down that road, the further they got from the rest of us. Once Emma came, they were all about bedtime routines and putting her name down for schools, and it’s not like the rest of us knew anything about that.”

  “Like my lot,” Richie said, nodding. “Baby shite and curtains.”

  “Yeah. At first they could get a babysitter and come for a few pints, so at least we saw them, but once they moved out to Brianstown . . . I’m not sure they really wanted to come out, anyway. They were busy doing the family thing, and they wanted to do it right; they weren’t into getting pissed in pubs and falling home at three in the morning, not any more. They invited us around all the time, but the distance, and with everyone working long hours . . .”

  “Nobody could make it. Been there. When was the last time they invited you, do you remember?”

  “Months ago. May, June. After all the times I couldn’t make it, Jenny kind of gave up.” Fiona’s hands were starting to clench around her mug. “I should’ve made more of an effort.”

  Richie shook his head easily. “No reason why you should’ve. You were doing your thing, they were doing theirs, everyone was well and happy—they were happy, yeah?”

  “Yeah. I mean, the last few months they were worried about money, but they knew they’d be OK in the end. Jenny said it to me a couple of times, that she wasn’t going to let herself get all hyper because
she knew they’d come out all right somehow or other.”

  “And you figured she was right?”

  “I actually did, yeah. That’s what Jenny’s like: things do work out for her. Some people, they’re just good at life. They do it right, without even thinking about it. Jenny always had the knack.”

  For a flash I saw Geri in her savory-smelling kitchen, examining Colm’s homework and laughing at Phil’s joke and keeping an eye on the ball that Andrea was batting around; and then Dina, wild-haired and claw-fingered, fighting me for no reason she could ever have named. I managed not to look at my watch. “I know what you mean,” I said. “I would have envied that. Did you?”

  Fiona thought about that, wrapping hair around her finger. “When we were younger, maybe. Probably. You know when you’re teenagers, no one has a clue what they’re at? Jenny and Pat always knew what they were doing. Probably that was one of the reasons I went out with Conor—I was hoping if I did the same stuff Jenny did, I’d be like that. Certain about stuff. I would’ve liked that.” She unspiraled the lock of hair and examined it, twisting it to catch and lose the light. Her nails were bitten down to the quick. “But once we grew up . . . no. I didn’t want Jenny’s life: working in PR, getting married that early, having kids straightaway—none of that. Sometimes I kind of wished I wanted it, though. It would’ve made life a lot simpler. Does that make sense?”

  “Absolutely,” I said. Actually it sounded like some teenager’s whine, I wish I could do things the normal way but I’m just too special, but I kept the zap of irritation to myself. “What about the designer gear, though? The expensive holidays? That must have stung, watching Jenny enjoy all that while you were stuck sharing a flat and counting your pennies.”