The Distance Between Us

by Georgie Capron

  ‘Dad won me this!’ Max exclaimed, holding up a huge cuddly monkey. ‘He knocked all the coconuts off their sticks in the coconut shy.’

  ‘Clever Daddy!’ Tasha said. ‘How was the traffic?’ she asked Charlie.

  ‘Fine,’ he replied, clearly not in the mood for a chat.

  ‘I’ve got a roast chicken in the oven for your dinner,’ she said, turning to face the children.

  ‘Oh, Mum! We had roast chicken for lunch!’ Flora laughed.

  This threw Tasha. Why hadn’t she thought of that? ‘Silly me, of course you did…’

  ‘Can’t we have bacon and eggs?’ Max pleaded.

  ‘Well, we don’t want to waste the food. Maybe you can all have a little bit and we can use the rest up tomorrow?’ The children charged into the kitchen, tummies rumbling. ‘Would you like some dinner?’ she asked Charlie quietly.

  ‘No, thanks. I’d better be off.’

  For a moment he looked as though he wanted to say something but then he hardened his features, as if mentally clamping down on his emotions.

  ‘But… what shall we tell the children?’ she whispered. ‘I can always sleep in the spare room, if you’ll stay?’

  ‘I’m afraid that’s just not an option for me. I’ve told them I’m very busy at work, that I am staying at the office for a while.’

  ‘Did they believe you?’

  ‘They’ve got no reason to doubt it.’

  ‘I suppose not…’ She swallowed. ‘Charlie, I’ve written you this.’ She presented him with the letter. ‘Please read it.’

  He took the letter and looked at it. For a moment she thought he was going to refuse it but then he folded it in half and put it in the back pocket of his jeans.

  ‘Right, kids, I’m off,’ Charlie called. They came back to say goodbye.

  ‘When will you be staying at home again?’ they asked.

  ‘When this big deal at work is over,’ Charlie said. ‘I will miss you but it’s very important that I’m in the office in case someone needs me.’

  ‘Do you really have to sleep there?’ Flora asked. She was looking at her parents somewhat suspiciously.

  ‘Yes, I’m afraid I do… and I’ll be having lots of meetings late at night so it’s easier for me that way anyway.’ Thankfully Flora seemed to accept this response.

  They said goodbye and Tasha saw him out. ‘Are you staying at the same hotel?’ she asked quietly.

  ‘Yes,’ he replied.

  ‘Will you read my letter?’ she asked.

  He nodded. ‘Bye, Tasha.’ He turned and walked towards the Tube. She noticed that he didn’t look up though she imagined he was using all of his self-restraint not to look over at the house across the road. She closed the door and gathered her strength before turning around and immersing herself in the children’s dinner, bath and bedtime routines. At least being busy with a houseful of children was better than being alone with just her thoughts for company.

  Chapter Twenty-three

  It had been over a week since Charlie had found out about Javier. Tasha hadn’t heard from him since he had left the house on Sunday. She had hoped that he might get in touch after reading her letter, having realised how genuinely remorseful she was, but maybe her words hadn’t expressed her feelings accurately enough. Besides, Charlie had always preferred actions over words. It was wishful thinking on her part that a heartfelt letter could do anything to rectify the damage her actions had caused. She had never felt so powerless.

  On Wednesday evening the house phone rang. Hoping it would be Charlie, Tasha practically fell over herself in her rush to pick up the receiver in the kitchen.

  ‘Hello?’ she said.

  ‘Hi.’ Charlie’s voice echoed down the line. God, how she missed him.

  ‘Hi, Charlie, how are you?’ she asked, cringing at the formality between them.

  ‘I’m OK.’ There was a pause. ‘I read your letter,’ he said.

  ‘Oh…’

  ‘I think we should talk.’

  Tasha’s heart skipped a beat. She felt a wave of relief flood through her. ‘I’d love that,’ she said. ‘When?’

  ‘I’m away this weekend – in Zurich, remember?’

  ‘I know,’ she said. It was in their shared calendar. ‘How about tomorrow?’

  ‘I can’t do tomorrow. Next week though. Tuesday?’

  ‘OK,’ she said, immediately wondering why he couldn’t do the following day, what he might be doing, who he might be seeing. ‘Do you want to come here?’

  ‘Not really.’ She knew he wouldn’t want to run the risk of bumping into Javier.

  ‘How about I come to you, then?’

  ‘We can make a plan next week.’

  ‘I’ll see if Nina can look after the children.’

  There was an awkward silence. She couldn’t bear how different their attempts at communication were these days.

  ‘Are the kids around?’

  She took the handset back into the sitting room and passed the telephone to Flora, who chatted to her father before passing him onto Bella and then Max. As she listened to their conversations, Tasha tried to take comfort from the fact that he wanted to meet up. Perhaps all was not lost after all? She was praying that he would find it within him to forgive her enough to come on their family holiday the week after next. The thought of staying at their little rented cottage in Dorset without him was unbearable. They had first gone four years ago when Max was only two-years-old. Each summer since they had returned to the same place, building new layers of memories, getting to know the area better and better each time. Tasha hadn’t allowed herself to contemplate what she would do if he told her he didn’t want to come. The children would be heartbroken, and so would she. Once again, her stomach lurched with guilt and the by-now-familiar panic that there was no way she could undo what she had done.

  ‘I wish Dad didn’t have to stay at work,’ Bella said later that evening as she tucked her in.

  ‘I know,’ Tasha said, feeling even worse than usual as she kissed the top of her head. ‘It’s rubbish, isn’t it?’

  ‘And he said he’s on a business trip this weekend.’

  ‘Poor Daddy. He’s working very hard.’

  ‘I think we all better be extra good next time he comes home,’ Bella said. ‘Maybe we can make him breakfast in bed?’

  ‘That’s a lovely idea.’ Tasha felt overwhelmed with emotion. ‘What a kind thought.’ She could only hope that Bella would get the chance.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Tasha attempted to zone out as she lay on her mat in Pilates, moving from plank to side stretches, all fours to standing poses. Every muscle in her body seemed to ache with tiredness.

  ‘You’re child-free today, aren’t you?’ Flo asked as the class came to an end.

  ‘Thank God! Mum’s got them for the day.’ It had become a tradition in each school holiday: Lizzie would take them off to a different museum or landmark to give Tasha a break. ‘Who has yours?’

  ‘Hortense, the French exchange.’

  ‘Oh yes. How’s that going?’ Tasha asked as they rolled up their mats.

  ‘Not bad. She is very quiet, which isn’t a bad thing if you ask me. She’s eighteen but she looks about twelve.’

  ‘Quite nice having an extra pair of hands for the summer?’

  ‘Exactly. All under the pretence of learning English. It’s basically like having a free au pair.’

  ‘Sounds great! Does she have any friends?’ Tasha laughed.

  A short while later they were sitting down for lunch. ‘I actually took your advice and signed up with a recruitment agency this morning,’ Tasha said. She had arranged the meeting a while ago and had almost cancelled before realising she needed something new to focus on now more than ever.

  ‘Oh, really?’ Flo looked impressed. ‘Amazing! Good on you… What did you have to do?’

  ‘It was surprisingly straightforward. I filled out an application online and they arranged for me to go in and meet them to go
through my CV and discuss what I was looking for, or not looking for as the case may be!’

  ‘And what happens now?’

  ‘They’ll send me possible jobs and we’ll see if anything interesting comes up, I suppose.’

  The waitress came over and Tasha ordered a coffee, her third of the day. She still wasn’t sleeping well and caffeine was the only thing keeping her going.

  ‘Late night?’ Flo asked. ‘You look quite tired, you know.’

  Tasha laughed weakly. If only she knew. ‘Something like that,’ she said. ‘I’m not sleeping well at the moment.’

  Suddenly her eyes filled with tears. Flo immediately leant across the table, grabbed Tasha’s hand and gave it a squeeze. ‘Tash, what is it?’ she asked. Her face was full of friendly concern.

  Tasha shook her head; she couldn’t possibly tell her. She tried to stop the tears from coming but it was impossible now that they had started. Flo’s sympathy was making it harder for her to pull herself together.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ Flo asked again, her eyes searching Tasha’s.

  She had to say something to explain her tears. ‘It’s Charlie…’ she said.

  ‘Is he OK?’

  ‘Well… not really.’ Tasha took a deep breath. She looked at Flo and decided she would come clean. If Flo judged her it was nothing more than she deserved. At least she knew that Flo was trustworthy. She wouldn’t tell anyone if Tasha asked her not to. ‘I’ve really messed up…’ Tasha wiped the tears from her eyes. ‘I… I slept with someone else.’

  Flo’s eyes widened with shock but she didn’t say anything. The hand that had been holding Tasha’s flew up to her mouth. ‘Who?’ she asked.

  ‘No one you know, no one anyone knows…’

  ‘Oh, my God.’ Flo was clearly more than surprised at this news. ‘When?’

  ‘A couple of weeks ago. Charlie found out.’

  ‘Oh, Tasha. Holy shit. How? What happened?’

  She told Flo a shortened version of the story. ‘Obviously I don’t need to say this but please don’t tell anyone.’

  ‘Of course I won’t. God, I can’t believe it. How’s Charlie now?’

  ‘He hasn’t spoken to me much since. I can’t exactly blame him. He’s staying in a hotel.’

  ‘What have you told the kids?’

  ‘We’ve said he’s busy working late and needs to be in the office.’

  ‘And the weekends? Do they think he’s working then too?’

  ‘Last weekend he took them to his parents’. We told everyone I was with Rosie on a girls’ weekend. This weekend he is on a genuine business trip.’

  ‘Oh, my God. Do you think he’s going to be OK? Do you think he’ll come around?’

  ‘I have no idea. I hope so. I can’t imagine what will happen if he doesn’t.’ The tears were rolling freely now. ‘I just feel so stupid. I can’t believe I could have screwed things up like this… and for what? A quick shag?’

  Flo shook her head. She could tell Flo was thinking exactly that. She knew she would be just as shocked by her behaviour as Tasha herself was.

  ‘Look, I don’t want to make you feel worse, but I can see it might take him a bit of time to get his head around all this.’

  ‘I know.’ Tasha sighed. ‘Last night he asked to meet up on Tuesday to talk.’

  ‘That’s a good sign, isn’t it?’

  ‘I hope so. We’re meant to be going to Dorset the following week.’

  ‘Of course!’

  ‘God knows what we’ll tell the children if he doesn’t feel he can come. Maybe he should go and I should stay behind? But how would I explain that to the kids?’

  They talked through the various options. It felt good to have someone to share her turmoil with other than Rosie. Apart from Becca, who Tasha was adamant could never find out what she had done, Flo was the only other friend she felt close enough with to talk to about all this. She had been worried that Flo would judge her, that she wouldn’t understand. And she probably didn’t, but rather than telling her off and making her feel guilty she was trying her best to support her. Listening and trying to give advice rather than preaching. She could probably tell that Tasha felt guilty enough already without needing any help from her.

  After lunch she had a couple of hours to herself before Lizzie was due to bring the children home. She stripped and remade the beds, hung the washing out and loaded the machine with dirty sheets. Then she sat down to check her emails. She scrolled through some of the initial job specifications that had come into her inbox from the agency following her meeting that morning. Nothing looked too appealing. She closed the laptop with a sigh and went out into the garden to deadhead the roses. The air was heavy with their musky scent. As she snipped each stem she watched the velvet petals fall to the ground in a delicate pirouette. As always, she was able to draw peace from the presence of nature and its intricate, mesmerising beauty.

  Tasha was immersed in the task when the doorbell rang. Her pulse quickened slightly in case it was Javier but the voices she heard as she went inside reassured her that it was not. She opened the front door.

  ‘Hi, Mum!’ chorused the children as they charged inside.

  ‘Hi, darling!’ Lizzie said. ‘What a day!’ She looked completely worn out.

  ‘How was it?’ Tasha asked.

  ‘Wonderful, thanks!’ They had gone to the Natural History Museum to visit a new exhibition about whales.

  ‘Did you know the blue whale is the largest animal that ever lived on Earth?’ Max was clutching a new book of whale facts and beaming with excitement.

  ‘I didn’t! How incredible! Did Grandma buy you that lovely book? That was very kind of you, Mum.’

  ‘Did you know their tongue can weigh as much as an elephant?’ Bella asked.

  ‘And their heart can weigh as much as a car!’ Flora added.

  ‘Gosh, how amazing! It sounds like you are all budding whale experts!’ Tasha laughed. ‘I’m so glad you had such a lovely time.’

  ‘I am dying for a cup of tea,’ Lizzie gasped. She had collapsed onto one of the kitchen chairs. Her dark grey hair was escaping from the tortoiseshell clips that rested an inch or two away from each temple.

  ‘I’m not surprised! Thanks so much for entertaining them all day, Mum. I’ll put the kettle on. And I’ve got some brownies for tea.’ This elicited squeals of excitement from the children.

  ‘I hear Charlie has been staying at work this week,’ Lizzie said. ‘I didn’t realise that was even possible!’

  Tasha had no idea how to handle this. She stupidly hadn’t thought through what to say to her mother. She should have known the children might bring it up.

  ‘Yes, they have some facilities,’ she said vaguely. ‘There’s a mad deal on at the moment and everyone is there around the clock.’

  Luckily her mother knew very little about the world of asset management and the ways of the City. She seemed to accept this without question, moving the conversation on swiftly. ‘I’m meeting Sandra at ten o’clock tomorrow morning.’ Sandra was an old colleague from when Lizzie had worked at Sotheby’s. Tasha’s mother had given up her career when she had had her but was still a fanatical art lover.

  ‘Where are you going with her?’

  ‘The National Gallery.’

  ‘How lovely!’

  ‘I’m determined to make the most of my time in London.’

  ‘Well, it’s a real treat for us,’ Tasha said, looking fondly at her mother, grateful to have her with her. ‘You should come and stay more often.’

  Chapter Twenty-five

  After another whirlwind weekend and a total of two weeks without Charlie, Tasha was beginning to get a taste of what single motherhood must feel like. She missed him so terribly and was absolutely desperate for him to come home. All of her hopes were pinned on Tuesday evening’s meet-up. She was more nervous than she had ever felt. It was worse than going on a first date with a complete stranger. As Nina arrived for the handover Tasha felt as if she might be s
ick from the butterflies in her stomach.

  Charlie had asked her to meet him in Victoria in a pub called The Crown. She was early so she ordered herself a gin and tonic for Dutch courage before sitting at a table in the corner. She fixed her gaze on the door, waiting.

  Ten minutes later Charlie walked in. Her heart swelled with love as she watched him approach her table. She half stood to greet him but he didn’t kiss her, he just sat down opposite her. She sat back down, unsure of what to do or say.

  ‘Hi,’ he said before getting straight back up. ‘Actually, I need a drink. Do you want another one?’

  ‘Yes, please.’

  ‘G and T?’

  She nodded.

  ‘So… how have you been?’ she asked when he came back from the bar. He looked different: dejected and tired.

  ‘Busy,’ Charlie replied. ‘Zurich was exhausting but successful.’

  ‘Good, I’m so glad,’ she said.

  He looked down at the table. ‘How are the children?’

  Tasha gave him an update on their trip to the Natural History Museum and their weekend’s activities, but it was impossible to ignore the elephant in the room. She couldn’t stand it for a second longer.

  ‘Charlie, do you think you can forgive me? Will you come home? Please…? We can’t go to Dorset without you. The children will be heartbroken. I will be…’

  Charlie took a deep breath and held her gaze. She could see how much he missed her, despite the hurt he was clearly suffering. For a moment she was filled with hope. Perhaps all was not lost after all.

  He fiddled with a coaster on the table. ‘I can’t get the thought of the two of you out of my mind. In fact, I have been thinking of nothing else for the last two weeks. I just can’t believe you could do something like this. You know how I feel about cheating… Call me naïve, but I thought we meant our wedding vows.’

  ‘I did. I still do… It was a stupid mistake. The most stupid mistake I could ever have made and I regret it more than anything I’ve done in my life.’

  ‘How could I ever trust you again?’

  ‘You can, Charlie, I promise. I’m so sorry I’ve given you reason to doubt it. But there is absolutely no way I could ever do something like that again. I have come so close to losing you, to losing everything and I just can’t bear it. Please just give me the chance to prove it to you.’