‘Oh, God. He’s going to think I’m awful.’
‘I’ve painted you in a very sympathetic light, don’t worry.’
Tasha couldn’t help but laugh. What a pitiful state she had caused herself to end up in. ‘How is the blog coping without your usual dating antics?’ Tasha asked.
‘I’ve actually had really good feedback from my last post.’
‘That’s brilliant. Perhaps this could be a new direction for you?’
Over dinner they brainstormed more ideas for Rosie’s blog and the possible advice she could dole out to her followers. Afterwards, Tasha waved her off in an Uber as she headed over to Josh’s flat. Tasha was extremely grateful to have such loyal friends in her life. Both Flo and Rosie had been brilliantly supportive, always ready to talk and to cheer her up when she needed them. If only she could tell Becca too; she hated keeping it all a secret from her. But the thought of her reaction when she found what Tasha had done terrified her. Becca’s loyalties lay with both Charlie and Tasha, she had no idea whose side she would take and the thought of losing her friendship as well as Charlie, was heartbreaking.
Having cleared up their dinner and tidied the general detritus a day with three children on school holidays resulted in, Tasha went upstairs and ran herself a bath, pouring generous amounts of lavender bath oil into the hot water. She thought about what Rosie had said. She knew that living in the moment was her only option. If she allowed herself to live in the past she would be swamped by guilt and regret; if she spent too much time thinking about the future she would be overcome with panic. The answer had to be to stay mindful and present in each passing moment. She tried to quieten her mind and enjoy her bath but the voices in her head were clamouring for attention. She definitely had a long way to go before she achieved any form of mindfulness but she was determined to try her best.
As Saturday approached and with it the deadline for telling the children, Tasha began to feel increasingly anxious. She continued researching the impact of separation and how best to minimise the damage. On Friday afternoon she caught a glimpse of Javier as she ushered the children and their scooters inside on the way back from the park. He waved and she nodded before scurrying inside as quickly as possible. She half thought about warning him that Charlie would be spending the weekend but she couldn’t face talking to him.
The house phone rang late on Friday evening. ‘Tasha?’ It was Charlie.
‘Hi,’ she said.
‘I wanted to talk things through.’
A dart of hope shot through her. ‘Have you changed your mind?’ She couldn’t hide the desperation in her voice.
He sighed down the line. ‘No.’ There was a long pause. ‘I just thought it would be a good idea to discuss how we are going to do this.’
Tasha swallowed. ‘Me too. If you are sure that this is what you want…’
He ignored her. ‘I’ll come over at about nine. They should have finished their breakfast by then. We can have a chat with them, you can stay for as long as they need to talk with us both, and then you can leave us to it. Will you stay at Rosie’s?’
‘Yes.’ There was silence down the line. ‘I can’t believe this is actually happening.’ Her voice wobbled with emotion.
‘I can’t either. But I don’t see how we can avoid it. I can’t change the way I feel.’
She nodded her head and bit back tears. ‘I know.’
‘Let’s just try our best to explain it in the simplest terms possible.’
She swallowed hard, trying to keep her voice from breaking. ‘The advice I’ve seen says we shouldn’t go into any detail.’
They discussed the various articles that they had read and came up with a few key lines to use. They both agreed that they should appear united in the decision, that Charlie wouldn’t blame Tasha in front of them and that they would reassure them that they both loved them, that they would still see Charlie at weekends and sometimes in the evenings too.
‘Are you going to tell your parents what I did?’ Tasha asked nervously. ‘And Andrew and Becca?’
‘No. I’m not going to give them any details. I don’t want them to judge you and risk someone saying something that the children might pick up on. And I don’t think you should tell your family what happened either.’
Tasha felt relief course through her. ‘What shall we say?’
‘Just say we are separating and we don’t want to discuss why.’
‘Becca will never let it go. Neither will Chloe. They’ll want to know exactly what happened.’
‘You’ll just have to stick to the same line. That we don’t want to discuss it and that’s that.’
‘OK.’ Tasha paused. ‘Can we say we are separating temporarily?’
‘I wouldn’t set a time limit on it, Tasha.’
Her cheeks were damp with tears. She dabbed at them with the sleeve of her jumper and nodded to herself.
‘I just wish there was something I could do to change your mind. If only I could turn back the clock I would never make the same mistake again.’
‘Does Javier know that I know?’ Charlie interrupted her, reminding her once again exactly why this was happening in the first place.
‘I’ve told him. I thought it for the best so he can avoid you.’
‘So, you’ve seen him?’ She could hear the anger in his voice at the thought.
‘I just went around for a few minutes to tell him that you knew. Then I left as quickly as possible. I haven’t seen him apart from that.’
‘Right.’ Tasha hoped fervently Javier would make himself scarce for the weekend. ‘Or at least I certainly hope that’s the truth.’
‘I wouldn’t lie to you, Charlie.’
He laughed acerbically. ‘You say that now… you didn’t exactly volunteer the information in the first place. If I hadn’t seen that text…’
‘You can trust me.’
‘I can’t. That’s precisely the problem.’
‘I know. But I promise you can now.’
‘They are just words, Tasha. Sadly, your actions speak far louder.’
Tasha could see she was digging herself in deeper so she decided to end the conversation before it took a turn for the worse. ‘I’ll see you in the morning, then,’ she said, sadly. Perhaps overnight he would do some thinking and change his mind? She could only pray that might happen.
‘Yes. See you then.’
‘God, I hope the children will be OK.’
Normally he would be the one to reassure her, the calming voice of reason, but not today. ‘So do I,’ he said. ‘Whatever happens, they must know just how much we love them.’
‘I love you too, Charlie.’
‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’ He hung up the phone.
Tasha tried to concentrate on her breathing, to stay in the moment and not race back in time or forwards to the dreaded conversation that would have to happen in the morning, but it was impossible. She was terrified that the children would completely fall apart, especially Max. He had been so good lately, she hoped against hope that this wouldn’t set him back. Bella was such a quiet, calm child, she would probably internalise any upset. And Flora already had a tendency towards anxiety; this could be disastrous for her. She was so mortified that she was hurting the children she loved more than anything, that she would do anything to protect. In her heart of hearts, she knew there was no changing Charlie’s mind at this point. If only she could be punished for her actions alone, rather than dragging everyone else down with her.
Chapter Thirty-one
Tasha dug her nails into her palm to stop herself from crying. She looked at the three little faces sitting opposite them at the kitchen table and her heart broke. They were so expectant: three pairs of rosy cheeks, three pairs of round blue eyes looking from her to Charlie and back, waiting to hear what it was that they had to say. They were the picture of innocence. To think that because of her their blissful, stable family life was about to be ripped from underneath their feet… She couldn’t cope with t
he guilt that coursed through her.
Charlie cleared his throat. ‘Darlings, Mummy and I have been talking,’ he began. ‘You know I’ve been spending some time in the office recently because I have been very busy at work?’
‘Yes,’ Flora said. Max and Bella nodded.
‘Well, it’s been quite nice for Mummy and me to have some time apart. Sometimes when grown-ups are married they like having a little break to spend time without each other. We still love you more than anything and want to spend time with you whenever we can, but we also like having our own places to live.’ Charlie took a deep breath. ‘From now on Mummy is going to keep living here and I am going to live in a flat near the office.’
The children looked blankly at them. ‘Why?’ Max said.
‘Why can’t we live together like we always do?’ Bella asked.
They all looked so confused. ‘Are you getting a divorce like Samantha’s parents?’ Flora asked.
‘No, we’re not, darling,’ Tasha said, crossing her fingers under the table. ‘We are just having a little break. Sometimes grown-ups decide that it is a good idea for a while.’
‘I don’t understand. Don’t you love each other any more?’ Flora asked. The expression of angst on her face was heart-wrenching.
‘We do. Of course we do,’ Tasha said. ‘It’s tricky to explain but you don’t need to worry at all. We love you, and we are always going to be your mummy and daddy. It’s just that for a while we will live in different places. Sometimes Daddy will stay here with you, and sometimes he will stay at his flat.’
‘But I don’t want you to live in different places,’ Max said, his voice sounding very small.
‘Neither do I,’ Bella added. ‘I like it when we all live here.’
Flora had gone very quiet. She was looking from Tasha to Charlie and back, as if trying to work out what was really going on.
‘Is it something we’ve done?’ Max asked, his voice wobbling.
‘Not at all, darling.’ Charlie got up and gave him a hug. ‘It has absolutely nothing to do with any of you. You are all perfect.’
‘It’s nothing anyone has done, I promise,’ Tasha said. Except for me, she thought bitterly. She dug her nails in even deeper, concentrating on the painful sensation in her palm to stop herself losing control. She knew how important it was that the children didn’t see the raw emotion that was threatening to erupt from her at any moment. She glanced at Charlie. His jaw was tense and she could tell just how hard he was finding this conversation.
‘What about the weekends?’ Flora asked. ‘We’ll still be together at the weekends, won’t we?’
‘No, darling,’ Charlie said. At this his voice broke slightly. He cleared his throat loudly. ‘It’ll be more like taking it in turns…’
Tasha took over. ‘Some weekends with me and some with Daddy.’
‘During the weeks I’ll be working so it won’t be much different,’ Charlie said. ‘I don’t always see you before bedtime normally anyway.’
‘But we know you’re here if we need you,’ Flora said.
‘I’ll always be here if you need me,’ Charlie assured her. ‘And I will call you every day to find out exactly what you have been up to and you can call me whenever you want.’
They answered the children’s questions patiently and calmly, each time reassuring them that they were not at fault, working together to come up with non-accusatory and responsible answers, doing their best to handle what was without doubt an extremely difficult conversation. At the end of it Tasha told them that this was going to be a Daddy weekend, so she was going to stay with Rosie.
At this Bella suddenly burst into tears. Flora soon joined her and Max jumped up from the table and ran around to hug her. ‘I don’t want you to leave us,’ he cried.
‘I’ll be back tomorrow, darlings,’ she said. ‘Then we will have a lovely day together. And on Tuesday you’ll be back at school and you can see all your friends!’
‘But it won’t be lovely because we won’t be together, will we?’ Flora said, her voice getting louder and more emotional with every word. ‘Daddy won’t be here. It’s never going to be lovely again!’
Charlie attempted to distract them with fun suggestions for the rest of the weekend while Tasha snuck off upstairs to grab her overnight bag. She came back to kiss the children goodbye, trying her best to stay cheerful as she did so.
Charlie walked her out to the door and stood briefly on the doorstep with her.
‘That was awful,’ she whispered, her eyes filling with tears.
‘I know,’ Charlie said. She wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around him and hold him tight.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she said. ‘I just wish I could make this all go away.’
Charlie nodded and swallowed. He glanced across the road. His jaw tightened. Tasha followed his gaze and saw that the lights were on.
‘I’d better go, then,’ she said. ‘I hope they’re going to be OK.’
‘I’ll be here if they aren’t.’
‘See you tomorrow, then.’
Tasha turned and walked down the street. Her heart was breaking. She could barely summon the energy to take each step. She felt emotionally exhausted and utterly drained. Mindlessly she made her way to Rosie’s flat near Bermondsey Street, texting her to let her know she was en route. She rang the bell and Rosie answered the door, her face a picture of concern. Tasha finally let her guard down. She burst helplessly into noisy sobs as Rosie hugged her.
Chapter Thirty-two
It took a while for the floodgates to begin to close and for Tasha to regain some of her composure. The emotions she had been doing her best to repress in the past few weeks in a valiant effort to hold things together came spilling out. She couldn’t stop crying, shaking uncontrollably at the horrendous turn of events that had resulted in her sitting here, on Rosie’s sofa, away from her family. It didn’t matter how many times Rosie reassured her that it was not completely her fault, Tasha knew that no one had forced her into Javier’s bed. It had been entirely her decision.
Rosie put a steaming mug of tea and a packet of chocolate Hobnobs in front of her. ‘It was so much harder than I could have anticipated,’ Tasha gulped through her tears.
‘It must have been horrendous. It sounds like you both handled it as well as you possibly could have.’
‘Charlie was amazing.’ At this a fresh wave of tears came gushing out.
‘He’ll look after them this weekend, and you’ll be back with them tomorrow. You can reassure them and put their minds at rest. Children are so adaptable, they will get used to the idea more quickly than you think.’
‘I hope so. They just looked so confused. As if they couldn’t understand why on earth we would do such a thing.’
‘It’s a bit beyond their reasoning. I suppose they only know what they are used to, what they have experienced so far. When they realise that the reality is actually OK they will be fine.’
‘But will the reality be OK? That’s what I worry about. I just hope to God that somehow Charlie decides to forgive me. I’m hoping that he might miss us so much that he comes around and gives me another chance.’
‘Exactly. He might surprise you. He might surprise himself.’
‘The problem is the trust issue. You know his first love cheated on him with his best mate at uni? He was completely devastated. It took him years to get over it. The stupid thing is I know that about Charlie. I know him inside out. But it wasn’t enough to stop me from putting him through this all over again.’
Tasha buried her head in her hands and Rosie put a comforting arm around her shoulders. They sat on the sofa talking for a long time, eventually deciding to go for a walk along the river to get some fresh air. The golden light of the late-afternoon sun gilded the water as the daylight began to seep away. Tasha always found being by the river extremely calming. She tried not to let her imagination run away with itself thinking of the children and Charlie at home without her.
To take her mind off things they spent the rest of the day watching movies, ordering pizzas for dinner. She got several missed calls from Becca, all of which she ignored. She knew Charlie must have told her and Andrew about the separation, but she couldn’t face speaking to her just yet.
The next morning Tasha was in desperate need of coffee after yet another sleepless night. They went out for breakfast across the road. She checked her phone and saw that she had received a text from Charlie.
Children all fine, asked some more questions but generally OK – Bella woke in the night. I told my family last night. They wanted to get in touch but I said best to give it some time as neither of us really want to talk about it, that we are both OK and agree it’s for the best
‘There’s no kiss at the end,’ Tasha said sadly. ‘I can’t help but think this could be for real, Rosie.’
‘It’s still so soon after he found out, Tasha. It all happened so recently. It’s far too early to tell.’
‘I suppose I’m going to have to tell Mum and Dad, and Chloe and Ella. And call Becca. Oh, God. I’m just not sure I’m up to it. What are they going to think? They’ll be so shocked… It’s so completely out of the blue.’
‘You’ll feel better once it’s out in the open,’ Rosie assured her. ‘And at least then they’ll be able to support you through this.’
‘Charlie doesn’t want us to tell anyone about Javier. He just wants us to say we are separating without explaining why. I’m sure everyone will jump to their own conclusions. I feel bad – like I should own up to what I have done, especially to Becca.’
‘What is his reason for not telling them?’ Rosie asked.
‘He’s worried someone might say something to the children, even accidentally. He doesn’t want them to think badly of me.’
‘Well, that’s sensible. There is no need for anyone to know what goes on behind closed doors. Your relationship is between you and Charlie, so it really isn’t anyone else’s business. If you tell Becca she’ll undoubtedly tell Andrew and then he may tell his parents and before you know it the secret is out.’
The Distance Between Us Page 17