‘I suppose. Though I can’t help but think that if it were him I’d be shaming him publicly for what he had done out of spite.’ Tasha sighed. ‘Charlie is such a good person, he always does the right thing.’
‘I’m sure you wouldn’t have,’ Rosie countered. But Tasha didn’t have such a strong faith in her own moral compass.
When Tasha felt suitably fortified by coffee and pastries they went back to Rosie’s flat. She left Rosie typing away at a new blog post while she settled down to make the dreaded calls.
‘Hi, darling!’ Lizzie’s cheerful voice came down the line. ‘How are you?’
‘Fine, thanks, Mum. Any news from Ella? I haven’t had any new emails for a while.’
‘We FaceTimed her last night. She is in Cuba! Having a wonderful time and feeling much better still, thank goodness.’
‘Great!’
‘How are the children?’
‘Fine, fine… I’m not actually with them at the moment,’ Tasha said.
‘Oh, how so? What are you up to?’
Tasha considered her next words carefully. She knew she couldn’t wimp out. She took a deep breath and said, ‘They are with Charlie. I’m staying with Rosie for the weekend.’ She paused. ‘Mum, I have something to tell you which is going to come as a surprise. Charlie and I have separated.’
‘Separated?’ Lizzie’s tone of voice conveyed her confusion.
‘We are taking some time apart from each other.’
‘But… why? What do you mean?’
‘It’s complicated, Mum. I don’t really know how to explain it. Charlie is moving into a colleague’s flat in the City for a while.’
‘Has he had an affair?’ Lizzie asked bluntly.
This made Tasha reel with guilt that Lizzie should immediately assume her daughter was the innocent party.
‘No!’ Tasha replied quickly. ‘Nothing like that.’
‘Then why on earth…?’ Her mother tailed off. She was clearly completely nonplussed, as Tasha had predicted.
‘As I said, Mum, I don’t really want to go into detail. It’s between me and Charlie.’ She heard Rosie’s voice echoing in her mind and tried her best to follow her advice. ‘The main thing is that we both agree it’s a good idea. And hopefully it will just be temporary, to give us some space… Things have been… tricky recently.’
‘Have you been arguing?’
‘A bit.’
‘God, this is awful, Tasha!’
‘I know.’
‘I’m afraid I’ve no idea what to say.’ There was a pause. ‘And the children? I suppose this explains why they said he was sleeping over at the office.’
‘They’re OK… I think. We only told them yesterday.’
‘And how is Charlie?’
‘Upset, as am I.’
‘Then why?’ Tasha could all too clearly picture the exasperated look on her mother’s face. ‘Surely you can talk things over, patch things up? Gosh, the amount of times your father and I have come to blows over the years. If we had separated every time we would have barely spent any time in the same house! It’s a bit drastic, don’t you think? And it can’t be good for the children.’
‘Thanks, Mum. Rant over?’ Tasha bristled.
‘Sorry, darling. I’m just very shocked.’
‘I can tell. Look, it hasn’t been an easy decision and obviously if we had thought it possible we would have avoided it, but we think it is for the best. Hopefully the space will make us realise how important our marriage is.’
‘By us you mean Charlie, I take it?’
‘Well…’
‘Mmmm…’ She could tell her mother wasn’t quite convinced. She passed the phone over to Bertie and Tasha had to repeat herself all over again. Her father sounded even more perplexed than her mother. Tasha could tell they didn’t buy her story. They must suspect some kind of infidelity or betrayal but she stuck to her guns, part relieved that she didn’t have to confess her adultery and part guilty that she had got out of doing just that. After she had finally hung up the phone, she sent an email to Ella, Chloe and Becca. She knew that all three would ring her as soon as they read it but she explained that it was easier for her to put it all in writing, that having just talked it through at length with both parents she felt completely drained. Sure enough, Becca called her straight away.
‘Tasha?’ Becca’s voice sounded full of concern. ‘Are you OK? What’s happened?’
Tasha burst into tears at the sound of Becca’s voice. ‘Sorry. I’m OK,’ she said through her sobs. ‘I just had quite a difficult conversation with Mum and Dad.’
‘I’m sorry. I know you probably don’t want to talk to me, but I just had to check you are all right?’
‘I’m OK, considering…’
‘And the kids? Charlie?’
‘They’re all right. We all are. It’s just hard. It’s so new…’
‘I just don’t understand what can possibly have happened. When we saw you for dinner the other day everything seemed absolutely fine between you.’
‘I know. It’s really hard to explain.’
‘Charlie told us you don’t want to talk about it, as you said in your email.’
‘Exactly. We’ve agreed it’s for the best.’
‘I hope he hasn’t done something wrong. To hurt you?’
Everyone seemed to assume it was Charlie’s fault. ‘He hasn’t. It’s just… tricky, that’s all.’ Tasha was at a loss for words.
‘Don’t worry. I understand, you don’t have to say anything. I just want to be here for you, and so does Andrew. And for Charlie too… Is there anything we can do? Help with the kids? Give you guys some space, some time together?’
‘Sadly, I don’t think that’s an option at the moment. Thank you though. I’ll call you if there is. And I’d love to see you soon. Perhaps when things have settled a bit?’
When she had managed to convince Becca that she was just about holding on and not about to have some kind of nervous breakdown she ended the call and collapsed back onto the bed, completely worn out.
‘So?’ Rosie asked, coming into the bedroom.
‘So…’
Rosie sat down next to her.
‘They know?’
‘Yup. I haven’t spoken to Ella and Chloe yet, but they will be calling me as soon as they check their email, I can guarantee.’
‘How were the others?’
‘Shocked. Surprised. Confused. Just as I expected really. None of them are satisfied with my lack of explanation but they are just going to have to accept it, I suppose. I can tell they all think Charlie has cheated, even Becca. It makes me want to tell them it was actually me – to protect him.’
‘Just as he is trying to protect you.’
Tasha yawned. She had never felt so exhausted in her life. Mental exhaustion was so much harder to handle than physical exhaustion. She had certainly had her fair share of sleepless nights with three babies, but this felt completely different. Her brain felt overloaded, every cell in her body hurt and she felt unbearably sad, as though her very soul ached.
‘What do you want to do?’
Tasha pulled herself up to sitting. ‘I think I’ll go for a walk.’
‘Do you want company?’
‘Do you know, I think I’d actually like to go by myself. I need to think. And I need to prepare myself for seeing the children later, and Charlie…’ Tasha sighed.
‘I understand. If you change your mind just call me and I’ll come and find you.’
‘Thanks, Rosie. You really are the best.’ Tasha hugged her.
She walked up to London Bridge and looked out across the city. The familiar skyline with its high-rise buildings gleamed in the sunshine. The famous landmarks: The Gherkin, St Paul’s Cathedral, The Shard, stood proudly like majestic beacons. Tasha walked along the Thames path, using the time to align her thoughts, to try and process some of what had happened and to make a plan for moving forwards in this time without Charlie as she waited for him to come ba
ck to her. She couldn’t contemplate any other ending. He just had to come back. They had to become the happy family they always had been once again. But it all rested on him. She honestly couldn’t say if she would be able to do what she was asking of him had it been the other way around. She hoped he was a better person than she was if that were the case. Tasha had never realised just what a powerful gift forgiveness was until it was her that needed to be forgiven.
By the time Tasha arrived back in Putney on Sunday afternoon she felt just about able to retain her composure and face her family.
‘Darlings!’ she cried as she opened the front door to find a pirate, a fairy and a Disney princess hurtling down the stairs.
‘Hi, Mum!’ they chorused, momentarily pausing their game to greet her.
‘They’ve been raiding the dressing-up box,’ Charlie said, coming down the stairs behind them.
‘What fun!’ Tasha crouched down to admire their costumes as they pirouetted and curtsied for her. ‘Have you had a lovely weekend?’
‘It’s been brilliant!’ Flora informed her. ‘We made fajitas. And last night we had pizza and watched a movie!’
‘We climbed the biggest tree on the common!’ said Max.
‘And we tried to fly our kite but there wasn’t enough wind,’ added Bella.
‘Wow! You have been busy!’ Tasha laughed, feeling unbearably left out.
‘How was godmother Rosie?’ Flora asked.
‘Oh, she is very well, thank you, darling. She sends you lots of love,’ Tasha said.
‘I’ve put some fish fingers and chips in the oven for their dinner,’ Charlie said.
‘Thanks,’ she replied. She didn’t know what else to say.
The children had charged back into the sitting room to continue acting out what appeared to be a mash-up of Peter Pan and Frozen.
Tasha followed Charlie into the kitchen.
‘This feels so wrong,’ she said.
‘I know. It’ll certainly take some getting used to.’
‘I hope we don’t have to get used to it for long.’
‘I saw Javier,’ Charlie said, ignoring her previous comment.
Tasha’s heart skipped a beat. ‘What?’
‘We were going out to the pizzeria last night for dinner. He pulled up on his motorbike.’
‘Oh, God, Charlie. I’m so sorry. What did you say?’
‘Nothing. I had to restrain myself from going up to him and punching his lights out. He saw me. He was clearly watching me to see what I’d do but I had the kids so I had no choice but to walk away.’
Tasha winced. She knew how hard that must have been. ‘I’m sorry I put you in that position.’
He looked at the floor. ‘I packed up some stuff last night,’ he said.
‘OK.’
‘I’ll leave you to it, then, I suppose.’
‘Were they OK today?’
‘Pretty much. Keep an eye on Bella though. She seemed a bit quiet earlier.’
‘I will.’
Charlie ordered an Uber. He said goodbye to the kids, who were thankfully still engrossed in their game. They didn’t notice him hauling several suitcases out to the taxi, and they didn’t hang around to say goodbye or watch him and Tasha’s awkward parting. She closed the door and took a deep breath, gathering her energy to plunge back into the unrelenting chaos of family life. At least there wouldn’t be much time for soul-searching and feeling sorry for herself while the children were around.
Chapter Thirty-three
‘What has he done?’ Chloe asked. It was late on Monday evening. She had arrived back in the UK hours earlier, just in time for the start of term. ‘You might have fooled the others but you can’t fool me. I know something must have happened.’
Tasha was sorely tempted to tell Chloe exactly what she had done but she managed to resist the impulse. ‘It… it’s complicated,’ she said. ‘I really don’t want to talk about it. But, it’s not what you think.’
‘And there’s no way you can work it out?’
‘I’m hoping that we will.’
‘God, Tash, you poor thing. Are you OK?’
‘I’m just about holding things together.’
‘And the kids?’
‘They’re OK. Telling them was awful, but you know what kids are like… They don’t really understand. And it’s only been a couple of days. I’m not sure that it’s even sunk in yet.’
‘Where’s Charlie now?’ Chloe asked.
‘He’s staying at a colleague’s flat in the City.’
‘Alone?’
‘Yes, the colleague works abroad. Charlie is house-sitting.’
‘How were Mum and Dad?’
‘Confused. Very shocked. As everyone is, I suppose.’
‘I’ve already had a barrage of texts from her asking if I know anything.’
‘Well, I’m not surprised. You know what Mum’s like.’
‘She might be a pain in the arse at times, but you know she’ll be there for you no matter what.’
‘I know. In fact, she just called to tell me she is coming up tomorrow.’ Tasha felt a rush of sadness. She knew she was lucky to have such an amazing family around her, but Charlie was her true family. He had been for fourteen years. She felt unbearably lonely without him.
Ella had also called her the previous evening. They had had a stilted conversation thanks to the unreliable Wi-Fi. Having now explained the sorry story multiple times, Tasha was fed up with talking about it. She wanted to retreat into peace and solitude, away from prying eyes and awkward questions. Unfortunately she knew the latter were unavoidable. The new term started the following day. The children would no doubt tell their friends and the school grapevine would soon be thrumming with gossip.
Tasha had made an appointment with the children’s headteacher to inform the school of the separation. She felt it was better to be open. In a way she was grateful that it was the start of a new year. She hoped that the children would be so busy they wouldn’t have time to think about what was going on at home. Tasha, on the other hand, would have plenty. She was glad her mum was coming up to stay; at least she would have some company for a few days.
*
Tasha had broken down in tears during the meeting. She had arrived somewhat frazzled after overcoming a monumental meltdown from Max, who had been unable to locate his summer holiday project. Mrs Hemmingway had been sympathetic and full of assurances that the school would keep a close eye on all three children but Tasha had felt like an enormous failure as a mother nonetheless. When she arrived home, Tasha was extremely relieved to find her mother waiting on the doorstep.
A short while later she was sitting in the kitchen with a steaming mug of tea and a plate of chocolate biscuits.
‘So, darling,’ Lizzie said. ‘Are you going to tell me what is really going on?’
Tasha had been expecting this. ‘It’s out of bounds, Mum. I told you – it’s not up for discussion.’
Her mother paused; her green eyes peered at her daughter over the rim of her glasses. ‘OK,’ she said slowly, clearly sensing just how fragile Tasha was and not wishing to pursue a line of enquiry that might send her over the edge completely.
‘How are the children?’ she asked. Tasha filled her in on the morning’s events.
‘I’m not surprised. I’d expect them to be a bit out of sorts for a while. Molly’s daughter just divorced her husband and the children were absolutely distraught.’ Molly was a member of Lizzie’s book club. Tasha couldn’t help but wonder how exactly this information was meant to help her.
‘So, what do you want to do while you are here?’ Tasha asked, trying to change the subject.
‘I’ll help you with the children. I might not be much use in the kitchen but I can do the shopping, help with the laundry, keep you company. But first things first,’ Lizzie said as she looked around the kitchen. ‘This place needs a jolly good sort-out.’
When they had finished their coffees, they set about tidying up the house, which
, Tasha had to agree, did look as though a bomb had gone off inside it. She just hadn’t had the energy to keep on top of the housework lately. It had been messy enough before the four of them had turned the contents of the house upside down in their search for Max’s project book earlier that morning. It had eventually been discovered underneath the Oxford English Dictionary. Charlie had apparently suggested Max use something heavy to press a four-leaf clover that he had found in the park. He had wanted to show it to his new teacher. When the clean-up was complete Lizzie and Tasha loaded the machine with washing and packed away some of the beach paraphernalia from Dorset that was still cluttering up the back garden.
After lunch they went for an invigorating walk along the river to get some fresh air, buffeted along the way by dancing gusts of wind. By pickup time they were both standing in the playground as the clock ticked half past three, ready to receive the children and hear all about their first day back. Tasha reached down and gave her mother’s hand a squeeze. Despite Lizzie having invited herself to stay, Tasha had never been more grateful to have her mother with her.
Later that evening she went into Bella’s room to tuck her in. Lizzie was with Max, reading him a bedtime story.
‘Mummy, please can I have a made-up story?’ Bella asked. ‘Like Daddy’s?’
The children had FaceTimed Charlie earlier and were clearly missing him not being around for their first day back at school. ‘I’m not as good as Daddy but I can certainly give it a try,’ Tasha said, stroking Bella’s hair as she bit back tears.
‘I really miss him,’ Bella said. ‘I wish he could tell me one. I wish he wasn’t living somewhere else.’
‘I know,’ Tasha said. She wanted to promise her that it wouldn’t last forever but she had no way of knowing what the future might hold.
Instead she tried to replicate one of Charlie’s stories. He always ensured that the children took the starring role and she did the same. She kept talking until Bella’s eyes closed, her long curly lashes resting gently on her cheeks. When she was asleep Tasha tiptoed out of the bedroom; she could hear Max and Lizzie talking. She paused outside the door to listen.
‘I told my teacher that Mummy and Daddy aren’t living together any more.’
The Distance Between Us Page 18