‘It’s nothing.’
‘You’re a great mum.’ He smiled at her and, as she held his gaze, she felt the air tighten with tension.
‘I miss you,’ she said.
‘I miss you too,’ Charlie said as he took a step towards her. His eyes shone with love and sorrow. She wished she could do something to take the hurt she had caused away. He tucked a strand of stray hair behind her ear and traced his fingers gently down her cheek. Her stomach flipped at his touch. She reached out and took his hand, holding his fingers softly in hers. It had been so long since they had had any physical contact, just that one hug. She didn’t want it to stop. A thousand unspoken words passed between them.
Tasha took a step closer. Slowly, she brushed her lips against his. He was still for a moment. She thought he might recoil and push her away, but then he closed his eyes. As if overwhelmed with longing he pulled her firmly towards him and kissed her. It was as if they had never kissed before. The familiarity was still there but there was a renewed passion, a new urgency that had not existed between them since the early days of their relationship. He kissed her hungrily, as if making up for every lost second of their separation. Unwilling to risk being seen, they went up to their room, locking the door behind them. Safe in the knowledge they could not be interrupted they made love with an almost desperate intensity. Tears rolled down Tasha’s cheeks as he kissed her over and over again.
Afterwards she lay in his arms, listening to the sound of his heartbeat as their breathing returned to normal. She ran her fingers through the dark hair on his chest and breathed in the dizzying smell of his aftershave. It felt incredible to be back in his arms. She would do anything to stay trapped in that moment for the rest of time.
‘I’d better go,’ Charlie said, the words slicing through her like a knife.
‘Really?’ Tasha asked, completely thrown. ‘But—’
‘I’m sorry, Tasha. That probably shouldn’t have happened…’
‘It was wonderful. I thought—’
‘I know. And it was. But it doesn’t fix anything.’
He didn’t need to explain himself. They had talked about it so many times already. She sat up and stared at the floor, unable to watch him dress. All too quickly he was fully clothed. The intimacy that they had shared well and truly broken.
He looked at her awkwardly and cleared his throat loudly. ‘I’ll see myself out,’ he said. She nodded. As the door shut behind her she lay back on the bed, still warm from where their bodies had lain intertwined mere moments before. She stared blankly at the ceiling, tears burning in her eyes. She could scream with frustration. Trust was such a precious thing: so fragile and delicate. Once broken, it was almost impossible to repair. Charlie’s trust should have been her most treasured possession, but she had recklessly thrown it away.
Chapter Thirty-seven
‘Tasha!’ Becca cried as she enveloped her in a warm hug. ‘It’s so good to see you.’
‘And you,’ Tasha replied, holding her sister-in-law close before ushering her inside the house.
‘I’ve been so worried about you,’ Becca said as she followed Tasha into the kitchen. She pulled a big box of salted caramel chocolates out of her bag and gave them to Tasha. ‘You look like you need fattening up!’
‘Oh, thank you! You didn’t have to do that!’ Tasha turned to face her. ‘I’m so sorry I haven’t seen you. I just needed some time…’ She tailed off, not knowing what to say. She had put off meeting up with Becca so far, making excuses when Becca had offered to drive straight up to London and see her. She was so close to both Tasha and Charlie that Tasha knew she had to make sure she was feeling strong enough to face her. She was terrified of blurting out the truth, but she had promised Charlie she wouldn’t and she knew she needed to do everything in her power to keep the last fragile shreds of trust between them from dissipating altogether. She could do nothing else to go back on her word.
‘It’s OK. This is all so sudden, it must be taking a while to get your head around,’ Becca said. ‘It is sudden, isn’t it?’ she added, clearly wondering whether there had been some deeply buried trouble between Tasha and Charlie that they had somehow expertly disguised.
‘Yes. It is quite, I suppose.’ Tasha was determined to be as vague as possible. She poured them cups of freshly brewed coffee.
‘I know you both said you don’t want to discuss it but we are desperate to know what’s happened so we can help you fix things…’
‘I know you are. I’m sorry, it must seem really strange, but we just need some time to figure things out, that’s all.’
‘Do you think he’ll come back?’
‘I hope so. I really don’t know.’ Tasha felt her eyes well up with tears. Becca’s face shadowed with concern and she reached out and squeezed Tasha’s hand.
‘Oh, Tash.’
‘I’m sorry.’ Tasha tried to plaster a smile on her face.
‘Stop apologising. You haven’t done anything wrong.’ She seemed so sure of it, just like the others. It amazed Tasha how everyone assumed she was so innocent.
‘But I have,’ Tasha whispered. ‘It’s not just Charlie’s fault.’
‘Has he had an affair?’
Tasha shook her head. ‘No, I promise.’ She almost wanted Becca to ask the same question about her, daring her to tell the truth. But she didn’t.
‘OK. So, it’s something else…’ She didn’t seem as if she was going to drop the subject.
‘I know it’s really hard, that you want to hear everything so that you can help us through this. And I would want to do the same if it were you and Andrew, but we’ve agreed that we just want to keep our problems between the two of us, for the children’s sake. We really think it’s for the best.’ Becca nodded. ‘Obviously all I want to do is tell you every last detail and get your advice,’ Tasha continued, ‘but I can’t.’
‘I understand. I’m sorry I’ve asked you so many questions. I suppose it just seems to us that there must be a solution. You are such a perfect couple, so completely meant to be. We seem to be having a hard time coming to terms with it, so God knows how you two must be feeling.’
‘It is really hard,’ Tasha admitted. ‘But at least I’ve got something new to focus on now: I am going back to work next week.’ She hoped this would be a satisfactory change of subject.
‘What? That’s exciting! When did this happen?’
‘Last week, it’s all come out of nowhere.’
‘What will you be doing?’ Becca asked, intrigued.
‘It’s a maternity cover as a PA at a hedge fund called Pearson Gregory. Completely random, I know, and the polar opposite of being a GP, but I just wanted to try something new.’
‘That sounds interesting. And it’ll definitely be completely different!’
‘Exactly. I’m so glad I’ll have something else to think about other than Charlie.’
‘It’ll probably do you the world of good.’
‘I think it will. At least I hope so.’
‘Are you nervous?’
‘I’m terrified. I have to stop myself from calling them and saying it’s all been a huge mistake.’
‘Well, I’m proud of you, Tash.’ Becca smiled. ‘You are amazing, and I’m sure it’ll be easier than you think once you’ve actually started. The thought is probably much more daunting than the reality.’
‘I hope so.’
‘What will you do with the kids?’
‘We interviewed someone called Emily last week. She seems perfect. She’ll do before and after school and then I’ll take over as soon as I get back home.’
‘That sounds good.’
‘She met the children yesterday. She came with me to the school to pick them up and stayed for tea and homework so she could see the whole routine.’
‘And what did the children think of her?’
‘They seemed to like her. They like all their babysitters. Anyone but their own mother!’
‘That’s not true!’
‘Were they on their best behaviour?’
‘I had hoped they would be. The girls were all right but Max was at his petulant best, refusing to do his homework or eat his dinner. It took me all my powers of persuasion not to end up with Max in full-scale tantrum mode.’
‘Oh dear!’
‘Luckily, Emily didn’t seem too bothered.’
‘That’s definitely a good sign.’
‘She’ll need to be strict if she’s going to get their homework done every night!’
‘What do the children think about you going back to work?’
‘Bella and Max haven’t really said much. Flora has been more inquisitive, wanting to understand what I am doing, and how it’s going to affect her. I feel bad that it’s yet another change for them all.’
‘They’ll get used to it.’
‘I feel like I’ve been saying that a lot recently. They’re still getting used to Charlie being away.’
‘It’s true, though. They are adaptable little things.’
‘Speaking of getting used to people being away, when is Andrew going back to Iraq?’
‘Next month,’ Becca said.
‘And how are you feeling about it?’
‘I’m trying not to think about it too much. It has come around so quickly. I feel like he’s only just come back and now he’ll be off again.’
‘God, you poor thing. I really mustn’t complain about my situation. At least Charlie isn’t in danger.’
‘It is what it is.’ Becca smiled. She was so strong. ‘And he does love it,’ she added.
‘He does, doesn’t he?’
‘The good news is he has got a few days’ leave over Christmas – we found out yesterday.’
‘That’s brilliant! The children will be over the moon.’
‘It’s just not the same trying to celebrate when he isn’t around.’
‘I’m so glad you’ll all be together. Maybe you can get on the case for baby number three?’
‘I’m not sure I’d be up for that quite yet. Imagine having morning sickness with Andrew away!’
‘God! You are right. Definitely not a good idea!’
‘It’s going to be weird having Charlie and the children without you this weekend,’ Becca said. ‘Do you think we should cancel?’
‘Not at all. Charlie wants to see Andrew before he goes off again, and there’s no point in the whole weekend being disrupted because of us.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Absolutely. It’s been in the diary for ages and the kids are really looking forward to it. Flora and Bella are so excited about their girls’ dorm with Daisy!’
‘I don’t want you to feel too left out though.’
‘I have to get used to it,’ Tasha said. She was taking a leaf out of Becca’s book and trying to be stoic. It made sense for Charlie to go, she knew that he wanted to spend time with his brother while he had the chance. Hard as it might be for her knowing that they were all having a lovely time without her, she had made her bed, and now she had to lie in it.
Later, when Tasha had waved Becca off, she decided to make a run for the shops. She had a list as long as her arm of bits and bobs for the children and she needed to buy a new pair of work shoes too. Her start date was approaching rapidly and she felt quite nauseous with anticipation.
Just as she was browsing the shoes in M&S Tasha’s mobile phone rang. She was surprised to see that it was the school calling, and even more surprised to hear Mrs Hemmingway’s voice echo down the line.
‘Good afternoon, Mrs Hargreaves,’ she said. ‘I was wondering if you might be able to pop in this afternoon before you pick up the children? Say two forty-five? Nothing to worry about, there’s just something I’d like to talk over with you.’
Tasha agreed to meet only to spend the rest of the afternoon worrying about what Mrs Hemmingway might want to discuss.
When the time came for their meeting, Tasha was shown into Mrs Hemmingway’s office by the school secretary. She beckoned Tasha to sit down, smiling kindly at her over the top of a pair of reading glasses perched on the bridge of her nose. Her grey hair curled softly onto the collar of her lavender floral blouse.
After a few minutes’ small talk Mrs Hemmingway explained the reason for their meeting. ‘Flora has told her teacher that she thinks the separation might be her fault.’
‘Oh,’ Tasha said, slightly surprised. ‘I see.’
‘Has this come up at all at home?’
‘To be honest, no. Max had mentioned something similar to my mother but other than that…’ Tasha shook her head. ‘Flora has actually been quite tricky with me, a bit temperamental and angry. She told me she thought it was all my fault… She never mentioned she thought she might be to blame.’
‘It’s perfectly normal to see a difference in behaviour between home and school,’ Mrs Hemmingway said, passing Tasha the box of tissues as she failed miserably to maintain her composure.
Tasha nodded, sniffing inelegantly.
‘They often don’t want to rock the boat,’ Mrs Hemmingway continued. She suggested various strategies that Tasha and Charlie might consider using at home to encourage Flora to open up, assuring Tasha that they would continue to keep a watchful eye on all three children during this ‘challenging time’, as she put it.
That evening Tasha phoned Charlie to talk things through with him.
‘Right. I see,’ he said. ‘What can I do?’
‘I think you should probably try and get her to talk to you this weekend. Perhaps you could leave Max and Bella with Becca and Andrew and go for a walk just you and Flora?’ Tasha suggested.
‘That’s a good idea. Poor Flora. It’s typical of her to blame herself.’
‘I feel awful. I’m the one to blame.’
‘I’m not entirely innocent either,’ Charlie said. ‘You clearly weren’t happy and that was largely down to me.’
Tasha was pleased to hear him acknowledge the part he had played in their relationship breakdown.
‘The important thing is that we are there for Flora,’ he said. ‘I’ll let you know how I get on. Keep me posted on anything else that comes up, if she talks to you between now and then.’
‘I will,’ she promised.
Later that evening Tasha brought the subject up. She was lying on the bed next to Flora, Flora’s head resting on her shoulder. Tasha stroked her hair as she spoke. ‘Darling, Mrs Hemmingway mentioned that you might be feeling a bit to blame for Daddy and me not living together any more. Is that true?’
Flora looked up at her; tears glazed her eyes. ‘I do sometimes feel like that,’ she admitted.
‘I know, it’s really hard for you to understand. I am so sorry that you feel confused by the whole situation, darling. I wish there was a way of helping you understand better, but I promise it really hasn’t got anything to do with you, or Max or Bella. It is definitely no one’s fault, especially not yours.’ Tasha explained the separation again, without going into detail.
‘I just don’t believe you, Mum. You can’t be happier without Dad. None of us are.’
Tasha felt slightly lost for words. Pretending that she thought it was the best thing for them all was such a lie that she wondered whether Flora could sense her dishonesty. It wasn’t the best thing for herself or Charlie, Tasha was convinced of that, but she knew there was nothing else to say. She had to stick to the story no matter how much she wished it weren’t the case.
‘I just wish things could go back to how they were before,’ Flora said. ‘I wish we could be a normal family again.’
‘I know, darling. I’m sorry.’ Tasha hugged her and kissed her pale forehead. She tucked her into bed and listened as Flora read her a few pages of her book. ‘Sweet dreams,’ she said as she closed the door behind her.
She texted Charlie to tell him about their chat and he replied.
Thanks for letting me know.
Later as she lay in bed she replayed what had happened on Sunday night over and over in her mind, trying to work out what Charlie had been thinking, what his motivation had been and what he might be thinking now. In a way she wished it had never happened. She felt more acutely aware than ever now of just how much she missed him. She tried to imagine a time where she would be ready for a new relationship, should Charlie never come back, and she knew it was impossible. She couldn’t even contemplate it. No one would ever live up to him. No one could even come close.
Chapter Thirty-eight
‘So, how’s it all going?’ Rosie asked after having placed their orders with the waitress at their chosen brunch place.
‘We slept together,’ Tasha confessed.
‘What?’ Rosie squealed.
‘I know.’
‘This is huge! When? How?’
‘It was completely out of the blue. Last Sunday, we spent the whole day together for Bella’s birthday. He stayed for dinner and the next thing I knew we were having sex. Then he left, just like that.’
‘Oh, Tasha…’
‘I shouldn’t have got my hopes up. But it was so amazing. I just feel worse than ever now.’
‘Well, I think it’s a good sign. It shows that he is still irresistibly attracted to you, otherwise he wouldn’t have done it.’
‘Maybe. Or maybe it had just been a while and he was desperate for a quick shag?’
‘Tasha! You know that’s not true!’
‘It could be. Though I agree I think there was probably more to it than that. One thing is for sure, nothing about this situation is straightforward. I feel like I’m treading on eggshells most of the time. I’m so conscious of trying not to make things worse in the desperate hope he’ll somehow come back to me.’
‘Has he said anything about the future?’
‘Not a word. Except that nothing has changed. He still doesn’t trust me enough to be with me like that.’
‘I wish there was something we could think of that would prove you wouldn’t do it again.’
‘Me too,’ Tasha sighed. She decided to change the subject. ‘How’s Josh?’
‘He’s great, thanks.’
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