The Distance Between Us

by Georgie Capron

  Christmas lunch was cooked to absolute perfection by Bertie. They pulled their crackers, laughed at the terrible jokes, and gorged themselves on Christmas pudding and champagne. They opened their gifts in front of the Christmas tree before wrapping up warm and taking the dogs for a long walk. By bedtime the children were absolutely worn out, as was Tasha. When they were down for the night, in matching Christmas onesies from Chloe, she collapsed onto the sofa with her sisters and parents, cradling yet more champagne, and watching the Christmas specials on the television. She missed Charlie with every fibre of her being.

  The next morning Charlie came to pick the kids up as planned. ‘Dad!’ they squealed as they raced out to give him a hug.

  He spun each of them around crying, ‘Merry Christmas!’ in his best Santa impersonation. ‘Did Santa come?’ he asked. ‘Did you get lots of presents?’

  ‘We got so many!’ Bella cried.

  ‘Look at my Spiderman costume. Isn’t it cool?’ Max did an elegant twirl to show off his suit.

  ‘Very cool. What about you, Flora?’ Charlie asked, his eyes twinkling at the children’s enthusiasm. ‘What was your best present?’

  ‘A make-up set!’ she replied, sounding very grown up.

  ‘Make-up!’ Charlie cried in mock horror, raising an eyebrow at Tasha.

  ‘From Auntie Ella.’ Tasha laughed apologetically. Ella, Chloe, Bertie and Lizzie came out to greet Charlie. She watched as they all wished him a happy Christmas. The usual camaraderie between them had gone, so it was actually quite painfully awkward despite everyone putting on a good show for the children’s sake. Charlie politely refused Lizzie’s offer of a cup of coffee.

  ‘We’d better set off. Thank you, though,’ he said, opening the car doors for the children to pile in. He had come over in a taxi and was taking the car back with him. She had left Becca, Daisy, Fergus and Charlie’s presents in the boot with the children’s suitcases, carefully wrapped and labelled with cards. He hadn’t given her anything, she noticed, but she didn’t mind. She was still glad that she had made the gesture. Tasha kissed the children goodbye and waved them off, tears stinging her eyes as she watched Charlie turn out of the drive, Max’s nose pressed up against the window as he blew her kisses.

  Chapter Forty-nine

  A few days later Bertie dropped Tasha off outside Andrew and Becca’s house. He had decided not to come in, worrying that a visit might be too much of an intrusion for Becca at this early stage of mourning. It was bitterly cold. A diamond frost clung to every surface, sparkling with all its might in the bright light of the sun. The icy gravel crunched underfoot as Tasha walked across the drive to the front door, her breath like puffs of smoke in the air.

  Becca smiled bravely as she opened the door. ‘It’s so good to see you,’ she said, hugging Tasha warmly and ushering her inside. There was no wreath hanging on the front door, no Christmas tree occupying its usual place in the entrance hall.

  ‘Mum!’ Max scampered over to give her a hug. Daisy raced into the hall, out of breath, as was Max. As his only junior she had clearly been commandeered to play some sort of ‘baddie’ for Spiderman to chase.

  Bella and Flora were in the sitting room playing Twister. Charlie was supervising the game while Fergus merrily bashed a selection of pots together at his side. ‘Hi, darlings!’ Tasha called.

  ‘Hi, Mum!’ Flora and Bella replied from their contorted positions on the floor.

  ‘Don’t get up!’ she said. ‘You’ll spoil your game.’

  ‘Hi,’ Charlie said.

  ‘Hi,’ Tasha replied. ‘Everything OK?’

  ‘Great, thanks.’

  ‘Would you like a cup of tea?’ Becca asked, looking from one to the other. She was clearly still intrigued as to what had come to pass between them.

  ‘I’d love one,’ Tasha replied gratefully. ‘But I’ll make it. Charlie?’

  ‘I’ll come and get mine in a minute,’ he said.

  Tasha followed Becca into the kitchen. Tasha could see her shoulder blades jutting out through her cardigan. She must have lost about a stone in weight.

  ‘How are you doing?’ Tasha asked, having made three cups of tea and taken the lid off the tub of homemade flapjacks she had brought.

  ‘As you can imagine,’ Becca said, tears welling up in her eyes. ‘Not very well.’

  Tasha reached out and squeezed her hand, smiling sympathetically.

  ‘I honestly don’t know what I’d have done without Charlie. He’s been such a great help, as has my mum, of course, and Caroline and Stephen…’ Tears spilled down her cheeks. ‘Sorry,’ she whispered, reaching for a tissue.

  ‘Please, don’t apologise,’ Tasha said. Becca smiled and nodded. Words were almost redundant. Nothing could convey the feeling of loss that hung so heavily between them. Tasha didn’t want to offer trite condolences, to attempt to make her feel better when such a thing was impossible. Only time could begin to heal the wounds, and time could not be rushed.

  ‘How is Daisy?’ Tasha asked. ‘She was amazing at the wake. As were you…’

  ‘I can’t even remember it, to be honest, it feels like such a blur. Daisy is so wonderful. I am not sure if she understands that she will never see him again…’ Becca shook her head in disbelief as more tears rolled down her cheeks. ‘But then… I am not sure I can believe that either…’

  ‘I know,’ Tasha said. ‘It seems impossible.’

  ‘And Fergus is the best comfort. He doesn’t understand. He just carries on as normal. At least I can pick him up and cuddle him whenever I need to…’

  Tasha could see how exhausted Becca was. Her eyes were swollen and ringed with dark shadows. Charlie brought Fergus into the kitchen and joined the conversation. The game of Twister had apparently ended with Max launching himself on top of his sisters like a human torpedo. His tactic had worked; all four children were now playing his game.

  They ate the flapjacks and sipped their cups of tea, talking about the funeral, more details that had emerged about Andrew’s death, how much support Becca was receiving from the army and whether there was anything more Tasha and Charlie could do to help.

  ‘Do you know what? There is something. It would be an enormous favour…’ Becca looked almost hesitant to ask.

  ‘Anything,’ Tasha said.

  ‘Whatever you need,’ Charlie echoed.

  ‘I am desperate for some time alone,’ Becca said quietly. ‘I just need some space to process everything, to gather my strength.’

  ‘Of course,’ Tasha said. ‘I’m sure that would do you the world of good. Do you want us to have the children?’

  ‘That would be the favour. I just feel at the end of my tether.’ At this Becca started to cry. Tasha got up and went over to her, holding her tightly. ‘As long as I have the kids with me I keep trying to put on a brave face. I don’t feel like I’ve really had the chance to just cry, sleep and stare into space. To figure out what the hell I’m going to do. To even begin to get my head around all this. It’s all I want… just for a couple of days. To think about him, uninterrupted, to draw some strength for this next year without him… for every year after that…’ Charlie passed Becca the box of tissues from the centre of the table and she wiped her tears.

  ‘Becca, absolutely. Of course we will. You need to do whatever helps you feel better. And if it’s time alone you need, that’s exactly what we will give you,’ Charlie said.

  ‘I’d feel too bad to ask my mum. She’s by herself too…’ Becca tailed off.

  ‘Why don’t we take Daisy and Fergus with us now?’ Tasha suggested. ‘We could pack their stuff up – we’ve got everything they could possibly need at home already. It would be too easy.’

  Becca looked tempted at the thought.

  ‘Could I borrow your car, perhaps?’ Charlie said. ‘I could drive them back to London and Tasha can drive ours. They can stay with us for a couple of days. Then I’ll bring them back on Sunday? In time for New Year’s Eve? Would that work?’

  ‘Are
you sure?’ Becca asked. ‘It wouldn’t be too much for you both?’

  ‘Of course not, Becca.’ Tasha smiled. ‘We’re so happy to do anything at all. Honestly, whatever you need, you only have to ask.’

  ‘I’m so grateful. I really don’t know what I’d do without you all. Everyone’s been so amazing.’

  ‘It’s the least we can do,’ Charlie reassured her.

  They confirmed the plan. Charlie rang up the insurers and made sure he was covered to drive Becca’s car. Andrew’s car would still be there for Becca to use so she wasn’t stranded in the house. Tasha organised the children with enough clothes and supplies for a couple of days away and they loaded the cars up with all five children, everyone’s suitcases, coats and wellies and set off.

  Leaving Becca alone with just the dogs for company seemed like a cruel thing to do, but it was what she wanted and Tasha could understand why. It had been such a whirlwind: Andrew’s death and the funeral, then Christmas. Having so many visitors, her parents-in-law to stay… She could imagine a couple of days just being alone in the house, not having to look after the children, just being with all her memories, all Andrew’s things, would do her the power of good.

  *

  Back in London, it quickly became apparent to Tasha and Charlie just how overwhelmingly chaotic life would be had they produced two more offspring. The difference between three and five mouths to feed, bodies to fit in the tub, bedtime stories and the like was quite dramatic. Tasha and Charlie were both run off their feet: unpacking, cooking, taking the children to the park, watching over Fergus, finding pyjamas, erecting the travel cot, making a camp bed up for Daisy and supervising bath time. By the time they’d got all five children settled for the night they were both ready to collapse with exhaustion.

  ‘Do you mind staying here tonight?’ Tasha asked as they slumped onto chairs in the kitchen. ‘Just in case there’s some kind of emergency. I’d feel much better having someone else in the house.’

  ‘You mean you’d rather my help than Javier’s?’ Charlie asked. ‘Surely he’ll be around to come to your aid at the first opportunity?’

  Tasha had been waiting for him to finally bring Javier up. ‘Of course I’d rather your help. I have literally seen Javier once, for about five seconds, since I hurt my ankle. I don’t see him. I hardly speak to him if I can help it. I told you, he just turned up out of the blue that evening, offering a sympathetic ear and a really badly-timed hug, which I know I should have refused. I was really upset…’

  Charlie looked at her searchingly, trying to work out whether to believe her. Having someone doubt her every word was so infuriating. Tasha knew the reason he didn’t trust her, but it didn’t make it any easier. If only there was some way she could prove to him that she was telling the truth.

  ‘Please, Charlie. We can’t go on like this. You can’t doubt every word I say. You have to decide, once and for all, whether you can trust me. You trust me with your children every day, after all. For Christ’s sake!’ Tasha suddenly felt at the end of her tether. ‘I made one mistake. One, huge, unbelievably stupid mistake. You can’t punish me for it for the rest of my life!’

  Charlie was quiet for a moment or two. He nodded slowly. He sighed, running his hands through his hair. It was as if he was resolving some internal battle. Perhaps he would finally let it go? ‘I’ll stay,’ he said. ‘But in the spare room.’

  ‘Of course.’ Tasha was just grateful that she wouldn’t be alone.

  ‘Do you want a drink?’ Charlie asked.

  ‘I’d bloody love one!’ Tasha smiled. ‘The biggest glass of red wine on offer, please.’

  ‘Thank you for the photograph album, by the way,’ Charlie said as he opened a bottle and poured her a glass. ‘I loved it.’

  ‘No problem!’ Tasha said. She didn’t want to make eye contact in case he was embarrassed by the unreciprocated gift. Instead, she concentrated on warming up the bolognese she had made that afternoon. She added some of the wine from the bottle and set the pan to simmer. They collapsed with their bowls of pasta in front of the television, both of them shattered from the day, not to mention the sheer emotional roller coaster of the last few weeks.

  Saturday was equally exhausting. To occupy the children, they wrapped them all up warm and set off for a long walk along the tow path, Fergus tucked up in his pram. They went to Pizza Express for lunch on the way back, always a safe bet to accommodate groups of children, the combined decibels of all their junior diners enough to drown out the contributions from their own gang. In the afternoon they watched a movie under the twinkling lights of the Christmas tree. It was all too bittersweet for Tasha, having Charlie home, especially that evening. She knew that it could be the last time she spent the night under the same roof as him. She tried to stay strong, thinking of Becca. She didn’t want Charlie to see how totally dependent on him she still was. Besides, she knew she could lose the plot completely the following night, when she was all alone again, by herself for the first time in her life on New Year’s Eve. When the children were in bed they watched television, side by side but distant. It was still so awkward between them. The ease and camaraderie, the ever-present banter of before nowhere to be seen.

  The following day Charlie loaded up the car and drove Daisy and Fergus back to Becca. They had called to make sure Becca was ready to have them back and she had thanked them profusely for taking them off her hands, assuring them that she felt much better after some time alone and that she was looking forward to having her children home for some much-needed cuddles. Tasha waved them off, once again trying not to cry as Charlie left her, knowing that she might not get to spend time with him like that ever again. No doubt he was spending New Year’s Eve with Sophia. He would be getting the train back to London that afternoon. If only he were coming back to her…

  ‘Are we still having our New Year’s Eve dinner, Mum?’ Flora asked.

  ‘Of course we are,’ she said.

  Charlie and Tasha usually said that the children weren’t allowed to stay up until midnight, knowing how much of a write-off New Year’s Day would be with three overtired, grouchy children. Instead they were allowed to play party games all afternoon and have a special New Year’s Eve meal, with their chosen menu. They had a wonderful time despite Charlie’s absence, bobbing for apples, playing board games, charades and a competitive game of musical statues. Tasha laughed so much tears came into her eyes as she watched the children dance around the room. It was a delightful sight, and one she wished Charlie were there to share with her. Their chosen menu consisted of chicken and chips with beans, and jelly and ice cream for pudding. By ten o’clock, the children having stayed up beyond their bedtime as an extra treat, she had finally managed to get them all tucked up in bed and off to sleep.

  With a peaceful household once more, Tasha went back downstairs to tidy up the sitting room. What a way to spend New Year’s Eve, she thought. She couldn’t stop the tears from filling her eyes as she went into the kitchen to clear away the dishes. She stood at the sink, tears streaming down her cheeks, lost in her thoughts as she washed the pans in the soapy suds. Elbow deep in dishwater, she suddenly looked up as she heard a knock at the door. She wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her jumper, drying her hands on the back of her jeans as she walked towards the front door.

  Chapter Fifty

  Charlie was standing on the doorstep. He stepped inside and pushed the door shut behind him. Without saying a word, he pulled her towards him and kissed her. He held her tightly, his body pressed firmly up against her. Tasha felt as if she could melt into his arms; the comfort of his embrace was like nothing else. Her head was spinning in confusion. He pulled away, looking into her eyes with such tenderness and love that her heart skipped a beat.

  He traced his thumb gently down the side of her face. His eyes glistened with tears. ‘Tasha,’ he said.

  She barely dared to breathe.

  ‘Leaving Becca all alone, with the children… All the way home I couldn’t stop thinkin
g. There has to be a way for us. Andrew’s death has made me realise just how much you mean to me, how much our family means to me. Nothing else matters. I have to forgive you. I love you so much. I have never stopped loving you, not even for one second. Being apart from you, the lonely nights, seeing the children without you – I feel like I’ve been missing a limb.’

  ‘Oh, Charlie.’ Tasha’s voice was choked with emotion. She could hardly believe her ears. She fell back into his arms and kissed him again. ‘I love you so much. I promise you I will never let you down again, I swear it.’

  ‘I know,’ he said. ‘I have been thinking about what you said on Friday. You are right. I can see how hard this has been for you, and I have to accept responsibility too. I wasn’t making enough effort with you. I was so wrapped up in work I stopped listening, I wasn’t a good enough husband to you, and for that I am sorry.’

  ‘But… what about Sophia?’ Tasha asked, dreading to even bring up her name in this moment, for fear of spoiling it. But she just had to know.

  ‘Sophia?’ Charlie looked confused.

  ‘Flo told me you were seeing someone…’ Tasha said. ‘A colleague…’

  ‘Oh,’ Charlie said, looking slightly awkward. ‘Right. I did see her a few times, but…’ he cupped Tasha’s face in the palms of his hands and shook his head ‘… she wasn’t you, Tash. You are the one. You always have been.’

  Tears were rolling down both of their cheeks now. He kissed her again, making up for all the time they had been apart. Eventually, they found their way upstairs to their bedroom. Tasha felt completely overwhelmed as Charlie made love to her. As she lay in his arms all the heartache gradually began to ebb away. She felt a deep sense of peace begin to return.