Deep Surrendering: Episode Ten

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  “I’ll talk to you soon, Marisol.”

  “Okay. Talk to you soon.” We didn’t say that we loved each other, but we didn’t need to. I knew and he knew. Words weren’t necessary.

  I took a moment to breathe after I hung up with Fin. A few tears trickled from my eyes and I wiped them away. I didn’t want Sapphire to see me cry. Not that it mattered what she thought about me, but I didn’t want to reveal a vulnerable side of myself to her.

  It took me a few minutes to get control of myself, and then I went back into the living room. Sapphire was on the couch, picking at a hole in her jeans.

  “Everything good?” she asked.

  “Yeah,” I said, giving her a smile. “He thanked me for being nice to you.”

  That made her smile.

  “Yeah, well there aren’t a lot of people that would have let me into their house and given me coffee.” I hadn’t really thought about it in the moment. I was so caught off guard. But things had worked out. Sort of.

  “Why did you call him Herry? I mean, I’m guessing it’s a nickname for Herald.” Why was I asking this? It wasn’t really any of my business.

  Sapphire smiled.

  “Oh, it’s just a stupid nickname. That’s all. Anyway, I should probably go now.” She’d gone back to fidgeting, as if she was now uncomfortable in my house. Her eyes kept darting around like someone was going to jump out from behind the curtains and grab her.

  “Everything okay?” I asked. It was almost like she’d flipped a switch.

  “Yeah, fine. I should just get back to my part of the city, you know?” Not sure what she meant by that, but clearly she was no longer comfortable here.

  “Sure. Um, thanks for letting me know about Fin. I was kind of worried about him anyway and it was good to hear from him. So there’s that.” Sapphire edged toward the door. Man, she really looked ready to bolt.

  “Yeah, no problem. Um, I guess I won’t see you later, but thank you. For everything.” Before I could so much as wave, she had her hand on the door and was in the hallway.

  Something had her spooked, and I had no idea what it was. Maybe she’d gotten a phone call while I’d been talking to Fin?

  I shook my head. It wasn’t my business.

  It was dinner time but I wasn’t that hungry, so I just put some soup in a mug and stuck it in the microwave.

  My body was all twitchy from being so amped up about Fin and I had to find a way to release some energy. I searched the cabinet under my TV until I found a yoga DVD I’d bought during a fit of health consciousness a few years ago. I should definitely call Chlo and set up some more yoga and Pilates sessions. I needed to find my Zen again.

  After I had my soup, I put in the DVD, moved my coffee table and started doing the deep breathing the instructor on the DVD told me to do. It wasn’t easy. All I wanted was to do… something. Run around or break something. I really shouldn’t have had that coffee. I was supposed to be thinking serene thoughts, but it wasn’t working.

  I struggled through the DVD and by the end my heart rate was calming down and the stretch of my muscles and the focus on my breath was distracting my mind.

  I showered and then crawled into bed. My brain started yapping again so I pulled out some paper and started another letter to Fin. It seemed silly to write him about a conversation he’d been a part of, but he was never going to see these. They weren’t for him. It was a diary of sorts. A way to get the thoughts that spun around in my brain to go away.

  This letter was a long one and I just let it go. Let the words fall onto the page like snowflakes onto the sidewalk.

  Before I knew it, it was time to go to bed and my mind was finally clear. But when I closed my eyes, I could only hear one thing.

  Mr. Herald, saying my name. Over and over.

  I put my hands over my ears, but the sound was in my head, not my ears. There was nothing I could do but wait it out.

  He wouldn’t get the best of me. Or Fin.

  By turning on music and listening to that, I was able to drown out Mr. Herald’s voice and get to sleep. The next morning when I woke, I felt… off. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something didn’t feel right.

  That feeling continued as I tried to figure out what it was. Had I forgotten my books? Left the stove on? Forgotten to wear underwear? No to all. Still. Something was off.

  I called Chloe in the afternoon and left her a message that I wanted to get together on the weekend and have a Pilates sesh. I could just picture her rolling her eyes at me, but if I told her why I wanted to do it, I bet she’d understand.

  I had a ton of schoolwork piled on me all at once, so I camped out at the library that afternoon and evening. Stretching my academic muscles was nice. I’d let Fin distract me from school for a while and I really regretted it. School was first. It always had been and I couldn’t let that happen again.

  “Excuse me, but could you hand me that pen?” I looked up from the table I’d been working at. Was someone talking to me? I locked eyes with a guy sitting diagonally across from me at the same table. I’d been so intent on my work I hadn’t even noticed him.

  “What?” I said, still caught in Academialand. The guy’s mouth turned up on the side in a half-smile. He looked about my age, maybe a few years older. But the most noticeable thing about him was his eyes. They were so deep brown, they were almost black. I’d never seen anyone with eyes like that before. His skin was rich and dark and his hair did that careless wave thing that actually looked careless and not styled.

  He pointed in my direction.

  “Could you hand me that pen? I think the floor in this place isn’t even because it rolled away from me to you.” I looked down at my notebook and saw an extraneous pen that wasn’t mine. I was extremely picky about my ink and bought my favorite kinds of pens in bulk so I’d never run out. His was just a standard that had a logo on it from a bank. I picked up the pen and thought about rolling it back to him, but instead I got up and winced.

  “Everything okay?” he said as I walked over to him.

  “Yeah, just been sitting too long. What time is it?” I looked around for the clock and gasped when I saw how late it was. It had also gotten dark outside the windows. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been so wrapped up in my work.

  “You have study face,” he said, smiling again. Now that my head was out of my books, I could appreciate that he was quite attractive.

  “Yeah, I bet I do,” I said, handing him the pen.

  “Thanks,” he said, taking it and then setting it on his notebook. He had quite the stack going on that rivaled my own.

  “I haven’t seen you around here, I’m Chase.” He put his hand out and I shook it.

  “Yeah, I’ve been a little distracted lately. I’m Marisol.” He gave me a nice handshake. Firm and he didn’t hold on too long.

  “So,” he said, leaning back in his chair and looking me up and down. “You maybe want to take a break and get some coffee?” Oh wow, subtle much?

  “Oh, um, I don’t know.” His face fell a little, but then he smiled again. He seemed like the kind of guy who constantly wore one.

  “Sorry, I just… my brain is mush from too much reading.” Maybe I should take a break. This guy wasn’t proposing marriage. He just wanted to have some coffee. I liked coffee.

  “Yeah, sure. Let’s do it.” His smile got even wider and we both packed up our books. He just shoved his in a large backpack and I had my wheeled cart.

  “That’s nice,” he said, pointing to the cart as we headed across the library to the coffee shop next door.

  “Thanks. It’s not so much fun to take on the T, though,” I said.

  “Yeah, I bet.” He let me get in line in front of him and order first. He also handed over his card before I could even fish around in my purse for my wallet.

  “Thanks,” I said, and he waved me off. We took our coffee and found a table near the back of the shop. It was busy tonight with nearly every space taken up by someone on their laptop
and a few people standing around waiting for the tables with the outlets next to them. Ours didn’t have one, which was why it was free.

  “So, Marisol, tell me about yourself.” I had a flashback from when Sapphire had asked me almost the same thing. God, had that really been yesterday? Insane. Fin’s head popped into my mind and I felt a stab of guilt.

  Chase noticed.

  “Everything okay?” he asked. I sipped my coffee and wished he wasn’t so observant.

  “Yeah, I just… I have a lot going on right now. My head keeps spinning in circles. That’s why I came here to try and focus.” He nodded as if he understood.

  “Yeah, I get that. I come here because I have three roommates who spend the majority of their time playing World of Warcraft, which isn’t really conducive to studying. What’s your major?” I didn’t like him being the one asking all the questions.

  “What’s yours?” I countered.

  He laughed.

  “I asked you first.” Oh, I was so not doing that with him.

  “Education and business,” I said. “And you?”

  “Law.” I could have figured that out. Even though he just had a plain button up shirt, jeans and loafers, he had lawyer written all over him. It was something in the way he carried himself and the way he spoke.

  “What’s that look for?” he asked, tilting his head to the side in a slightly adorable way. I wasn’t aware I was making any certain face.

  “What look?”

  “The look you gave me when I said I was in law school.”

  “I guess you just look like the kind of guy who would be in law school,” I said with a shrug as I sipped my coffee.

  That made him laugh again. God, he was happy. I hadn’t met a whole lot of law students who were free and upbeat like that. Usually they were permanently slouched from hunching over books and they had this constant look of panic in their eyes.

  Chase was different. He seemed way laidback, but I bet he could snap into intense mode in the matter of a second.

  “Do you say that to all the boys?” he asked, which made me roll my eyes.

  “Nope,” I said. He grinned at me again and I noticed that when he smiled just right he had a dimple in his left cheek.

  We talked some more about being in school and our fears about having to be adults at some point.

  “Growing up is terrible. I don’t know why they haven’t found a cure for it yet,” he said and I couldn’t help but laugh.

  “I know. Growing up is a trap.”

  “Totally.”

  I was missing more of my study time, but it was nice to talk to someone, especially someone new who only knew what I wanted him to know. We talked so long that it was time for dinner and I started to hope he’d ask me if I wanted to get something to eat.

  “Hey, I know we just met and everything, but do you want to go get some dinner? No pressure. Just food and conversation, in case you were worried I was thinking about something more.” Smooth.

  “That sounds great, as long as we go somewhere I can take this,” I said, patting my rolling case.

  “No problem,” he said, getting to his feet and taking the rolling case from me.

  “Thanks,” I said, blushing a little bit.

  He put his backpack on and wheeled my cart as well. I just had my purse and felt a little weird about him shouldering all the weight, seeing as how we’d just met and all.

  “I’m sorry if that was presumptuous. My mother was determined to raise a gentleman.” Well, she did a good job since he was toting my books and opened the door for me.

  “So, where would you like to go?” he asked as we stood on the street. We probably should have discussed that before we left the warmth of the library. It was a windy, chilly night and I’d forgotten my scarf.

  “Doesn’t matter. You pick.”

  He shook his head.

  “No way. You pick. I don’t want to choose something that you’re going to hate and then you won’t want to tell me because you don’t know me that well and then you’ll always associate me with bad food and never go out with me again.” Wow, that was quite elaborate. Clearly, this had happened to him before.

  “Shit, sorry. Sometimes I think too far ahead and I need to reel it in.” How cute. You wouldn’t expect someone like him to be a rambler. Unexpected.

  “No, it’s fine,” I said, hiding a little smile. “I’m really okay with whatever you want. Or you could give me some ideas and I’ll tell you which one appeals to me the most.”

  “Good plan.” He listed off a few places. I was really craving sushi for some reason. Lots of sushi and miso soup. Yum. The sushi place was so close, we didn’t even need to take a cab.

  Chase continued to haul my books for me and we both got some strange looks at the restaurant, which was pretty upscale. Most of the people here were in suits and nice dresses, straight from work. I looked nice, but not up to the caliber of the others. And none of them had a rolling case of books or a backpack with them. Chase asked the hostess if she had anywhere we could put the books while we ate and she showed us to a coat closet where we could hide them for the time being. Hopefully, they would still be there when we got back. If not, I was going to go ballistic.

  Chase pulled my chair out for me as I heard my phone ring from inside my purse. I pulled it out and it was Chloe.

  “Just give me a sec,” I said, getting up again and giving Chase a smile.

  “Sure thing,” he said, sitting down and picking up the menu.

  “Hey, Chlo,” I said.

  “Hey you. So what is this I hear about you wanting to be all granola and shit?” I walked back toward the entrance of the restaurant and kept my voice low so I didn’t disturb the other diners.

  “Well, I just thought I should bring more peace and serenity in my life. Things were a little off-kilter for a while there and I want to get them back on track.” She sighed like I was asking her to do something she really, really didn’t want to do.

  “Okay, sure. I can get you into the Saturday class. And I can probably get you a discount. But don’t think that I’m coming with you,” she said.

  “Oh, come on. You know you have to come with me.” It wouldn’t be any fun without my BFF.

  “You drive a hard bargain, babe. But since you’re in a rough spot, I’ll make an exception. For a few weeks. Not forever.” I could deal with that.

  “Cool. Look, I have to go right now.”

  “Why, you on a date?” she meant it as a joke.

  “Um, kind of. I met this guy at the library and now we’re having sushi.” The volume of my voice got lower, like I was afraid he could somehow hear me across the crowded restaurant.

  “Shut the fuck up right now,” she said and I almost shushed her.

  “No, I’m serious.”

  “This is awesome. Gimme details.”

  “Um, I can’t right now, Chlo. He’s back at the table waiting for me and he probably thinks I’m bailing on him. I’ll call you later. Okay, bye.” I hung up before she could say anything else. I didn’t have time for her at the moment.

  I went back to the table and put my phone back in my purse after I turned it off.

  “Sorry about that. I called my friend earlier and she was just calling me back to confirm something.” He set his menu down.

  “No big deal. I just hoped something wasn’t wrong. Your grandmother didn’t die or something, right?”

  “Nope. Just a friend. Anyway, I turned my phone off so we’re good.” I picked up the menu and the conversation resumed. After much discussion, we got a variety of things to try. I thought about getting sake, but decided against it at the last minute and just had water.

  The talk flowed and we found out that we had a lot in common, even though it didn’t seem that way. He was also an only child, so we had a lot to talk about where it came to that.

  “I don’t understand why everyone thinks I’m terrible at sharing. I mean, when my dad wanted something, he’d just take it. I got real good at
sharing.” That made me laugh.

  The whole time though, I had Fin in the back of my mind. Where was he? What was he doing? Was he thinking about me? Should I tell Chase I’d just gotten out of something?

  Chase caught me zoning out again, but before he could say anything, I did.

  “I’m sorry. I’m not bored, just distracted. I kind of just got out of something and I’m still thinking about him a lot. I can’t really help it.” Saying that felt crappy, but I didn’t want him to be offended.

  “That’s absolutely fine. I was thinking this was… you know. You were just concentrating so hard and I thought you could use a break. And then it turned out that you’re good to talk to as well.”

  “You’re nice to talk to, too.” He was being so chill about this whole thing. Who was this guy?

  We got cupcakes for dessert. I thought it was a bit bizarre that they had cupcakes on the menu, but really, who doesn’t like cupcakes anyway? I was all for it.

  Before I could even try, Chase snatched the bill from me and shoved his credit card in the folder and handed it back to the waitress.

  “Didn’t even give me a chance, did you?” I said, smiling at him.

  “Nope. My mama raised me right.” She sure did.

  We went back to the coat closet and got our books.

  “Do you mind if I walk you home? Or escort you home?” Damn, he was a gentleman.

  “Not at all.” I told him where I lived.

  “Oh, hey, I live two blocks away. Small world, isn’t it?” It was.

  Chase paid for a cab to take us back to my place first. He even got out of the cab, told the guy to wait and continued to take my books all the way to my front door.

  “Man, you take chivalry seriously,” I said as we paused in my doorway. I had to admit that he was good-looking and I’d had a good time and maybe, just maybe there were a few sparks. But I couldn’t go there right now. It was far too soon for anything like this. Even if it was just a kiss.

  “Well, it was so nice to meet you, and thanks for the coffee, dinner and the book carrying.” I put my key in the door and realized I didn’t have his number, so I took out my phone and turned it on so he could give it to me. I didn’t know if I’d ever use it, but just in case.