Deep Surrendering: Episode Ten

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  He stopped making passes (as innocent as they had been) at me and there was no more talk of past relationships. We settled into something easy and casual and fun. Just what I needed.

  Chloe reluctantly accompanied me to Pilates and afterwards in the sauna, she begrudgingly admitted that she’d liked it and would come again. Of course we went out and had burgers afterwards, which became our ritual. The good with the bad.

  She made inquiries about Chase, but didn’t push me about dating him, or if I liked him that way, etc. for which I was grateful.

  I left my apartment a lot more, either to hang out with Chase, Chloe or my group of girlfriends which was plus one now that Rory was serious with that Lucas guy. Or I guess I should call him Lucah now, seeing as how that was his real name. I’d been wrapped up in my own Fin drama, but a lot had gone down with Rory. Her new man wasn’t just a lowly assistant, but a corporate spy, hired by the board of Clarke Enterprises to root out some shady people. It was a whole big drama, and I thought they were going to cancel their company ball, but things were going forward.

  I tried to be supportive of Rory as much as I could because things weren’t easy for her right now. At least she had Lucah as a support, and apparently, they were even moving in together. I almost asked her how her mother felt about that since her mother had always harbored a wish that Rory would end up with Fin, but I didn’t want to talk about him. Rory was so busy that she didn’t mention him when we were out. Or maybe she sensed that something was off and kept her mouth shut. Either way, as long as no one brought him up, things were good.

  A few days before the ball, I was coming back from another lovely visit with my mother when I found something odd in the mail. And by lovely, I mean she lectured me on how I should find a man because I was getting older and my eggs were dying and she wanted grandchildren whether I wanted to have them or not. I wasn’t in the best of moods at all.

  The envelope was addressed to me, but my name was printed instead of being handwritten and there was a strange return address that I didn’t recognize from New Jersey. I didn’t know anyone in New Jersey.

  I ripped it open and nearly crumpled to the floor of my apartment.

  Dear Marisol,

  I’m writing you this to tell you that it’s done. I’m finally free. It took longer than I thought and I wish… Once again, I wish so many things.

  My father is currently on the run from an entire list of charges including murder, embezzlement, fraud and too many others to put here. I’d always known his business practices were suspect, but I didn’t know how much until I started digging. I’ve been collecting things here and there for years, hiding them away, waiting for the day when I could go to the FBI with them. I would tell myself that I didn’t have enough, or they wouldn’t believe me, but then you happened. YOU. The reason I was finally able to put everything together and do the right thing. I regret letting him go on for so long when I knew what was happening. I’ve told you that I’m not a nice person, Marisol, but you never believed me. I’m still not a nice person, but I hope I can try to be a better one.

  I’m not scared of him anymore. The company is being shut down as I write this. Agents all over the world are no doubt ransacking the offices, gathering even more evidence. You see, my father might have been smart, but he also underestimated his employees’ loyalties. And if he thought any of them were betraying them, he’d just have them disappear. Not anymore. Even if they never find him (which I doubt they will. He’s very wily, my father), he won’t bother me again. I’m not naïve enough to think that he’s afraid of me, but now he knows I’m not afraid of him. I am NOT afraid of him. Not anymore.

  I’m currently back in the United States, but I have no idea what I’m going to do next. Technically, I’m unemployed, so I need to find a job of some sort. There are a few employees that were on the up-and-up that have contacted me about perhaps forming a new company. I’m still considering it and I don’t know what I’m going to do.

  I don’t expect that you’d want to see me, but I wanted to give you an update, since you’re the reason this is all happening. You might as well have put the cuffs on him yourself. That would be something I’d pay all of my money to see.

  But, if you did decide you want to see me, I would really like that. Even if it is just to give you a hug and thank you in person.

  I know we’re not together, but I still love you. Even more than the first time I wrote you. It feels like it grows every day, but I wouldn’t change it. Not for anything.

  My life belongs to me and I finally believe it.

  Thank you, Marisol. Thank you for everything.

  Always,

  Your Fin

  My eyes blurred and the tears pattered on the letter. I held it away so it wouldn’t get wet.

  He’d done it. He’d actually done it. Just like I thought he would.

  I sat on the floor, my back up against my cupboards, staring at Fin’s words for a long time. I just couldn’t get up. My knees had turned into rubber. My heart… oh, my heart. It was beating so fast and so hard, like I’d run a marathon.

  My Fin. He’d done it. He was coming home and now we could be together.

  Except… it was too late. This wasn’t going to fix everything. If he started another company, he might still have to travel and then we’d be right back to where we started.

  I couldn’t just dive back into his arms like everything was fine again. Things just didn’t work that way.

  I read the letter again and then rushed to write my own in response. To get out all the words that were spinning around in my head. I told him how proud I was of him, how happy I was and just… everything that was bursting inside me. I was feeling everything at once and I could barely stand it.

  Above all, I still loved him. Just like he said, even more than when I’d told him the first time. Fin might have only been in my life for months, but I couldn’t imagine how I’d lived before him. He would be a part of me for the rest of my life, as would this love.

  I was glad I hadn’t tried anything with Chase. It wouldn’t have been fair to either of us. I would have been leading him on, making him think that I could give him my heart. But it already belonged to someone else and I wasn’t getting it back.

  Perhaps Fin and I could go back to being friends. It would take a lot of work, certainly, but I could do it for him. It would be for the best, for both of us.

  I scrawled page after page, even telling Fin about Chase and how my feelings for Chase hadn’t held a candle to my feelings for him. I also told him about everyone pushing me to “get back out there” and maybe date Chase, but how my heart wasn’t in it.

  I also told him about the fantasy that I’d barely let myself imagine. Me, at Rory’s company ball in my gorgeous dress and Fin, walking down the stairs to surprise me. Then we’d dance the night away, he’d take me back to his apartment and remove the dress oh so slowly. Then we’d make love, hard and soft, dirty and sweet. My heart missed Fin, but my body missed him too. Ached for him to touch me again. Now that I’d had a taste of spice, I didn’t think average lovemaking would do it for me anymore.

  In some ways Fin had ruined me for all other relationships. I told him that as well.

  And then I signed the letter.

  Love,

  Your Marisol.

  I would always be his.

  I thought about calling Fin and telling him I wanted to see him. I even wrote out a text message to send him and saved it as a draft. But I didn’t send it. I knew if I contacted him right away, I’d just let myself fall again. If, and it was a big if, I even considered going back with Fin, it would be on my terms, and it would be because it was the right thing for both of us. Not just because I wanted to. That wasn’t a good enough reason.

  My phone rang and I picked it up without thinking.

  “Where the hell are you?” Sloane’s voice demanded. “I’ve got a dress with your name on it and no one to put it on.” Oh, right. I was supposed to be at her studio a half
-hour ago to do the final fitting of my gown. I knew it would be perfect, but Sloane always wanted to make sure everything was extra perfect.

  “I’m so sorry. I just… I lost track of time.” I couldn’t get into the whole Fin thing because she would probably tell Rory and I just didn’t want to deal with all that.

  “Well, get your ass down here!” Uh oh. Sloane was high on caffeine. She always went a little nuts when she was working too hard and drinking too much coffee. Sure, it helped her work, but she turned into a crazy person when she was on it.

  I folded up Fin’s letter and wiped my eyes. I should check my face in the mirror, but I needed to get to Sloane’s studio as fast as I could so she wouldn’t go ballistic and explode.

  I rushed outside, but couldn’t find a cab. Also, it was raining. I didn’t mind, though. Fin was free and that was all that mattered. I tilted my face up to the sky and smiled as the water pounded down on my face.

  By the time I got to Sloane’s studio, I was absolutely soaked. I didn’t think I’d ever been that wet, not even when I went swimming.

  “Did you fall in the river?” Sloane said, her eyes darting around. Uh oh. She was buzzed out of her mind. Even had that weird little eye twitch.

  “Not exactly. It’s raining outside, haven’t you noticed? Guess I forgot my coat.” Sloane started stripping me and fortunately, her employees and interns had left for the day so it was just the two of us.

  “I think I’ve got some towels here somewhere,” she said as I pushed her hands away so I could undress myself. After she got me down to my underwear, she rubbed me all over. It was like being exfoliated with sandpaper.

  “Jesus, not so hard! You’re going to take my skin off,” I said, ducking away from her. She just sort of chased me around with the towel, which actually dried me off enough so I could put my dress on. First, she tucked my hair up and wrapped it in a towel so it wouldn’t drip on the dress and then she helped me carefully step into it.

  Sloane pulled it up and zipped the back before stepping away and turning me so I faced the mirror.

  With the towel on my head, I might have looked silly, but I could barely take my eyes off what was below the towel turban.

  I’d seen it on me before, but now that the ball was only two days away, the reality that I finally got to wear it was setting in. Oh, how I wished Fin could see it.

  I turned from side to side to check out the back and realized Sloane wasn’t there.

  “You look utterly, devastatingly beautiful,” someone said behind me. I locked eyes with someone in the mirror.

  “Oh. My. God.”

  That was my last thought before I ran and flung myself into his arms.

  Or at least I tried to run. The dress tripped me up and I almost did a face-plant. But Fin was there to catch me.

  “Easy there,” he said as my fingers dug into him to make sure he was real. He certainly felt real, but this could be just a really good hallucination.

  “Are you real?” I whispered and he smiled and it was just as I remembered.

  “Yes, my Marisol. I’m real.”

  The towel fell off my hair, but I barely noticed.

  “You’re really here?” I asked. We had done this type of reunion before, but this time was different. So different.

  “I’m here. And if you want, I’m not going anywhere,” he said.

  That was when I lost it like I’d never lost it before.

  The tears were so frequent they soaked the top of the dress and Fin’s jacket, which was already damp from the rain.

  “I’ve got you,” he said, again and again. We sat on the floor of Sloane’s studio, me in my dress and soaked hair and Fin in his typical slacks and jacket.

  I hadn’t been ready to see him again, but here he was and I knew. I couldn’t compare this feeling that swept over me to anything else I’d ever experienced. It was wild and chaotic and intense and calm and soothing. All at once. That didn’t make any sense, but it was what it was.

  “I love you,” I said, tipping my face up and meeting his eyes. He leaned down and kissed the tears running down my cheeks.

  “I love you, Marisol.” It was the first time I’d heard him say it out loud and the only thing I could do was smile. And then I started laughing. No idea where it came from, but when it started, I couldn’t stop.

  “What’s so funny?” he said.

  “I don’t know.” I shrugged and held on even tighter. “I don’t even know anymore.”

  Eventually we got up off the floor. Both of us were totally wet, and the dress was completely wrinkled. Sloane was probably going to have a fit when she saw it.

  “How did you get here?” I asked. I hadn’t let go of him yet. I was afraid that if I did, he might go away again and I couldn’t deal with that.

  “I might have had some help. Did you know your friend Sloane is a romantic?” That sneak. So that was why she’d been freaking out about me not being at the studio when I was supposed to be there. Made sense now.

  “Wow. I’m going to have to thank her. A lot. Like, forever.” She was going to get so much thanking she wasn’t even going to be able to handle it.

  “And the larger question of how I got here is that I flew. I’m back, at least for a little while. We’re regrouping and trying to form a new company. It’s not going to be easy since everything about my father is now coming out. There aren’t a lot of people who will trust the son of the man who did so many nefarious and illegal things, but I still have some loyal clients that I think I can bring over. We’ll see. That’s not important right now.” It didn’t even matter what he was saying, he was here. He was here and he was real and this was happening.

  There was a knock at the studio door and then it slid open.

  “Sorry. But I’d really like to get that dress off her before you tear it off, Mr. Prince of Darkness.” Sloane always gave people nicknames. I liked this particular one.

  I finally uncurled my fingers from him, and for a second, I thought he was going to vanish, but he didn’t. He stayed right there as Sloane dragged me back behind a screen and unzipped the dress.

  “I brought you some clothes,” she said, going back to the door and grabbing a bag of things. She almost always had something in my size on-hand. Sloane was good that way.

  I got dressed again and Sloane quickly braided my hair and clipped it up so it was out of the way. Then she slapped my ass and shoved me out from behind the curtain.

  “Go get him,” she said with a wink before turning her attention to the dress. I hoped it wasn’t ruined, but Sloane would never construct a shoddy dress that would be undone by a little bit of rain and some crushing.

  I walked slowly toward Fin. These moments were still so surreal.

  “What now?” I asked.

  He laughed and shrugged.

  “I have absolutely no idea.”

  We ended up going downstairs, where Carl was waiting with the Town Car. I laughed and hugged him too.

  “I missed you, Miss Marisol. It’s so good to see your face again.” He beamed from ear to ear and I couldn’t stop smiling either.

  We got into the car. Now we just needed a destination.

  “Your place.” I said the first thing that came to my mind. I let my gut tell me what to do. And my gut told me that we needed to go to his place right now.

  “I agree with the lady,” Fin said and Carl tipped his hat at us before he set off into traffic.

  Suddenly I was thinking about all the questions I’d wanted to ask him, most of them from my letters.

  “Tell me everything,” I said. “I just want to hear your voice and hold you. It doesn’t matter what you say. Tell me about the places you went and everything you saw. Hell, you can describe every single meal if you want. Just keep talking.” I curled myself into him and he put both arms around me.

  Home. This was home. I could tell myself that we weren’t right, or it was too complicated, but this feeling right here couldn’t be denied. It couldn’t be ignored.
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  “Whatever you want, Marisol. I’ll do whatever you want.” So he started with the night he left, telling me about going to the airport and getting on the plane, the annoying woman who sat next to him and hogged the armrest and the turbulence. He went into such great detail that it lasted all the way to his apartment. At this rate, he was going to be talking for the rest of our lives. I was perfectly fine with that.

  He kept talking as he unlocked the door. I inhaled the scent of his place and wow. Memories. Such vivid memories. We were making another one right now.

  Fin stopped his story and walked toward the kitchen.

  “Speaking of food, are you hungry?” I didn’t know if I was or wasn’t, but I’d say yes to anything he asked me at the moment.

  “Sure,” I said as he opened the fridge. I hadn’t been here in a while, but the fridge had food in it like it always did.

  “How about egg drop soup?” he said with a smile.

  “Absolutely perfect,” I said. It was the first meal he’d cooked for me. “Do you want to dress me again?”

  “Well,” he said, getting out the soup pot and starting to assemble the ingredients on the counter, “that would require you to take your clothes off first.” Oh, right.

  “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.” My body (especially certain parts) were screaming at me to change my mind, but this was one time when my head was in the right. I couldn’t just jump back into bed with Fin. At least not before we had had a long talk. Probably more than one long talk. Lots of talks. I also needed to cool down from the heat of the moment of seeing him when I wasn’t expecting it.

  He pulled some things out of the fridge and then closed it.

  “As much as I would love to tear into you right now, I think that’s a good idea. We shouldn’t… let ourselves get carried away.” No, there would be no carrying. Away. Carrying away. Was that how you said that?