When she removed the cookies from the oven and we were putting them on racks to cool, a loud sound filled the air outside. It sounded like a helicopter above the house.
"They’re here," she exclaimed. "Oh my, I’m a mess. I better go change."
Five minutes later, Vivian returned. Not only had she changed but also her hair was styled and her makeup refreshed.
"How did you do that so fast?" I asked, not hiding my surprise.
"The stage, darling. Remember, the show must go on and the audience won't wait," she said, with a flourish. "Oh my, you’re a mess."
Looking down at myself, I was grateful I wore an apron. I was covered in the ingredients of our baking.
Taking off the apron, I said, "I’ll be fine. Thomas and Jacob have seen me in much worse condition than this."
When we stepped outside, I found Jacob and Thomas exiting the helicopter and waving frantically. My mother walked behind them, much slower. I hadn't considered how she would do flying. She was always a nervous traveler.
When she saw me, she brightened and also began to wave at me. I hadn't noticed she was walking with someone until our eyes met. Jeans and a tight fitting black t-shirt replaced the suit I had last seen him in. My heart stopped.
"Grant, come give your mother a hug," Vivian called.
When he reached us, she said, "Caitlyn this is . . ."
"Jack," I said softly.
"Oh that's right. I give you the beautiful name of Grant Jackson and you go by Jack," she frowned.
"It's good to see you, too, Mom," he said, kissing her. "Caitlyn." He nodded his head at me.
I was stunned. No words would form.
"Cait!" Thomas scooped in, picking me up and spinning me.
"Were you in on this deception?" I hissed.
"Oh, Caitlyn," Thomas said sadly.
"I can't believe this. Was this all a set-up? Did you plan this with him?"
"No, that’s not what this is at all.
"Then what is this, Thomas? Save the poor divorcée?
"Don't be like that. It’s Thanksgiving," Thomas said. "Right now I’m just so glad to see you. I haven't seen this girl in a long time. You’re beautiful."
I had changed since I came there. I didn't feel the need to put on a show. I could wear jeans and a t-shirt without feeling judged, even though the t-shirts were mainly Marc Jacobs. I felt beautiful -- more real, more alive.
"There isn't much need to get dressed up here," I said.
"Well, keep up whatever you’re doing. You look great," Thomas said. "Now come on, show me to my room."
While everyone was getting settled, I helped fix a late lunch for the new arrivals. As I was putting the last sandwich together, I found Jack staring at me from the doorway.
"How long have you been spying on me?" I asked coldly.
"I just got here," he said, walking towards me.
I felt like the air had been sucked out of the room as he grew closer and closer.
"You have a little something," he said, cupping my face and wiping it gently with his thumb. "Mother's chicken salad?"
"Yeah," I said, barely above a whisper.
"It's nice to see you looking so well, Caitlyn," Jack said, leaning in and kissing me on the cheek.
A heat grew inside me. I wanted to wrap my arms around his neck and pick up where we had left off but I suddenly remembered he had lied to me.
Moving away from him, I said, "Lunch is ready. We don't want to keep everyone waiting."
The hurt in his eyes felt like I had ripped my heart out. Don't fall for another liar, Caitlyn. It’s good you found out now.
As we ate our meal, I answered any questions Jack asked me but asked none of my own. Not giving less or more than what was polite. I focused on everyone at the table but him. I could feel him watching me.
When we were through, I began to clear the dishes. Jack tried to take one from me. "I got it," I said coldly.
"Grant, will you help me with this?" Vivian asked, holding out a platter.
"Sure," he said, giving me a look of disappointment.
What did he expect from me? Was I supposed to run into arms crying "Thank you, White Knight, for slaying the dragon? He tricked me. He lied to me. Did he get me this job to save me? To protect me from myself or from Jeremy? Or was he looking for a broken girl to be the hero and clean up . . . fix? He was such a good man that he wouldn't even sleep with me when I threw myself at him. He was a good man. He would never want to be with someone like me. Not the liar and whore I became.
Exhaustion filled me and as I put the last dish in the dishwasher, Vivian came into the kitchen. "What is going on, honey? You seem upset. Are you not happy to see your family?"
"No, I’m really happy to see them. Can I ask you a question and will you answer me honestly?" I asked.
"That’s the only way I know how to answer a question," she said.
"Did Jack tell you to bring me here? Did he tell you about the poor, broken married woman who needed to be saved?"
"Not at all. Jack only suggested I talk to Thomas about finding a ghostwriter for my book and he mentioned how great you were as his editor and that’s it. Honey, he told me you were in trouble but that’s not why I asked you to come here. I asked you to come because your work was good and you came highly recommended. I think we both came into each other's lives at the perfect time.”
“And what about Jack?”
“My son is a good man.”
“Of course you’re going to say that.”
“Now, Caitlyn, I think you’re being a little bit irrational and I think you should sleep on it before you say anything too hurtful.”
“Fine, I will. Can you tell everyone I have a headache and I am going to sleep early?”
“Why don't you take something from the cabinet for your headache? I am sorry if you feel hurt but you have no reason to. You were brought here because you are talented.”
“Night” Vivian,” I said, squeezing her hand.
Chapter 18
In my suite, I filled the bathtub and began to cry. I didn’t know where the distrust and anger came from. If Jack recommended me, it was a sweet gesture but it felt too much like another man controlling me. I hadn’t thought he was like that. He was honorable. He was the good guy. What did he bring me up here to be? A holiday fling?
No, Vivian was right; I was overreacting. You are too broken for anyone, Caitlyn. Leave Jack alone. He doesn't deserve that. He deserves way better than you. You probably should end up with Tad. Shuddering at that thought, I slipped under the water. I held my breath, like I did as a child, staying under the water as long as I could until I had to burst out for air.
Drying my hair, I put on my pajamas and looked out at the dark night sky. In the distance I saw a bench. One that I had never seen before. Putting on a sweater and some Uggs, I walked through the dark house. The clock on the microwave said it was after midnight.
As I stepped outside, the cold air blew against me and I shivered. I hadn't dressed for the weather. It is only a short distance. You’ll be fine. I prodded myself to keep walking.
When I was a distance from the house, light snow began to fall. I tipped my head back and stuck out my tongue, trying to catch snowflakes, like I had seen in the movies. Giggling at my absurd behavior, I began walking again. It hadn't seemed like it would be this far from the house. By the time I reached the white stone bench, the snow had begun to fall in heavy flakes and the wind had begun to howl.
You are a damn fool, Caitlyn. You came this far to see a mysterious bench, I scolded myself.
Inspecting the bench, I could see wording. When I wiped away the layer of snow covering it, tears filled my eyes. Kneeling down I saw the words of William Shakespeare that I knew well. Sonnet 116 had been my thesis topic and it always spoke to me. Softly, I began to read the words aloud:
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
&
nbsp; Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
A shadow fell over the bench and I stopped reading. Jack’s husky voice began to read the rest of the sonnet:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me prov'd,
I never writ, nor no man ever lov'd.
"Why are you here, Jack?" I asked without looking at him.
"Caitlyn, you were not brought her to be saved but you are here for a reason. My mother loves you. You’ve been so wonderful for her . . . giving her the ability to tell her story . . . to share her life. I appreciate you. I don't think anyone else would understand her story like you do."
"Jack, why do you even care about me?" I demanded, finally facing him.
"You really don't think you deserve to be loved, do you?" he asked, caressing my cheek. "Caitlyn, why wouldn't I want you? Why wouldn't I care about you? Why would I not long to be a part of your life? Ever since that first night, when we had dinner together, I’ve kicked myself daily for not telling you to stay with me. I let you walk away, telling you I would see you again. I promised myself the next time I saw you, I was going to show you what it was like to be loved. Truly, deeply loved."
"Jack, you don't know the things I’ve done."
"I don't care what you’ve done."
"I’ve done horrible, unforgivable things."
"I don't believe that."
"If you only knew what I put myself through to leave my marriage . . . I was too full of spite to just walk away. I had to destroy lives on the way out."
"But you left him. Caitlyn, I can't pretend I know our future. I won't lie to you and promise you the world. I won't say we’ll date and I will one day get down on my knees and beg you to marry me. I don't know what will happen in the future. I don't know if you’re ready to be loved like I want to love you. For this moment, right now, I want you to take a chance and open your heart to me. Can you trust me? I need you to know my intentions are genuine...that I just really need to get to know the woman you are, not the one you think you have become."
"You . . . don't . . . know . . . me. I’m used. Damaged. I’m no good for you . . . for anyone. Go find a nice woman, who isn’t broken," I yelled. I ran from him not knowing where I was going.
Blinded by the tears and the snow, I heard him call after me. "Caitlyn, don't run that way. It’s cold out here."
The snow became so thick I couldn't see more than a foot ahead of me. My chest burned from the run . . . from the cold air. Falling to the ground, I began to cry and soon, it turned into deep sobs. Wails of pain.
It’s time to give up and stop fighting to hang on. I am not fixable.
Chapter 19
Waking, I didn't know where I was. Sitting on a chair next to the bed, Jack snored softly. Looking around at the rich blue hues, from the comforter over me, to the curtains and the walls, covered with pictures of Jack and Vivian, I guessed I was in his room.
"You’re finally awake," Jack said in a sleepy voice. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, he cupped my face. "You gave me such a scare, Caitlyn."
"I don't know why I keep doing things to hurt everyone, myself included," I said, tears falling from my eyes.
"Don't cry, love," Jack urged, hugging me. "We’re going to take this slow, Caitlyn and, every day, I’m going to show you what it means to be loved."
He kissed me softly and I felt a need to be closer to him rise inside me. I crushed my lips to his and began to run my fingers through his hair. Sliding under the blankets with me, Jack embraced me and continued to kiss me . . . so tenderly.
Slipping my hand under his shirt, I felt the hardness of his abdominal muscles. Letting my hands explore his chest, I felt an ache inside me. As I pulled the button to his jeans, he took my hands, in his and pressed his mouth to my ear. "Just kiss me. Just connect with me. What you’re reaching for isn't what you want. Let me love you, Caitlyn. I want to show you want it’s like to be loved and respected."
"I don't understand this, Jack. You obviously changed me out of my wet clothes," I said, defensively. This thought angered me. Once again, I felt rejected.
"Thomas and Jacob changed you," he said. "I meant it when I said I wanted to take this slow and show you what it means to be loved. When it’s the right time, we’ll know it. Until then, can't you just trust me?"
"There’s nothing wrong with two consenting adults enjoying each other. I don't understand why you keep rejecting me," I said.
"Really search inside yourself. Is that what you want? You’re right. There’s nothing wrong with us making love but I feel you’re doing it out of fear," he said, pulling me into his arms and holding me tighter.
Lying in his arms, his words played in my head and I knew he was right. I had gone to the place I knew well and could control. My only bit of power in my marriage, I realized. I was afraid I would never be able to love anyone. I am broken. I don’t know if I can be fixed but this isn’t the way to do it because love isn’t about control or power.
That night, Jack and I just fell asleep in each other's arms. He had been right. I needed to figure out what I wanted, not what I thought was expected of me.
Chapter 20
The next morning, I left the bed before Jack woke. I didn’t have time to worry about our relationship. What our future held or even what I needed to fix within myself, wasn't going to happen overnight. Jack had never said I was broken but he should have. My past year had been full of lies, deceit and revenge. All of this had changed me. It had made me cold. I had been so focused on winning it is what was driving my actions.
I wouldn't have made love to Jack last night. It would have been another way for me to get the control I longed for. In the end, I would really have only been giving him the power to control me. I wanted to have love, like the kind they wrote about in books. Not necessarily the kind where both or one of us ended up dead. But, I wanted to explore what Jack and I could be.
"Those look really good, sweetie," Vivian said, admiring the plate of appetizers I had made. "See, you’re quite the cook."
"I know my way around the kitchen but I am not much of a baker."
"Well that’s not true. Look at what we made together," she said.
"Under your very careful guidance." I laughed.
"Are we good now?" she said. "Are you ok?"
"I will be. Thank you for forgiving me for my outburst."
"It happens to the best of us," she said.
"I saw the bench. I didn't know you liked Shakespeare," I said. "Is there a story behind it?"
"It was a gift from my Jackson. He was the true Shakespeare fan. I can still hear him reciting the sonnets to me," she said wistfully. Taking my hand, she said, "Once upon a time, I needed to be saved from myself, Caitlyn. I was a lot like you. Then I met Jackson and he taught me what love meant. My time with him was brief and maybe he would have ended up in my collection of yester-husbands but I like to think it wouldn't have turned out that way."
"But you have Ben now."
"I do have Ben now," she said, her eyes brightening, partly from the tears that had welled in them as she spoke about Jackson and partly from the love she did have for Ben.
"Why did you never marry?" I questioned.
"Who said we didn't?" she said.
"You are? Does Jack know?" I gasped in disbelief.
"I can’t give away the ending yet," she said, picking up the platter. "Let's get these out to our guests."
Everyone being here to celebrate Thanksgiving felt right, surrounded by people who didn't expect me to be anything. I wasn't the trophy wife or the perfect wom
an. I was just Caitlyn Chase – a work in progress. I was thankful for the places I had been and the places I would be going.
Chapter 21
Jack did keep his word and he kept it slow. He showed me so many things I never thought I would experience. Exploring nature and learning to fish were things I couldn't imagine I would have tried. He told me the world was big and I needed to see all of it and I would see it all with him by my side.
With time, I grew stronger. For the last five months, Jack treated me as if I was special and important. He taught me that there was no rush. Our relationship was what it was in this moment. No past. No future. Just the now.
"You are going to be late," my mother said.
"Oh, we don't have set plans. Do I look ok?" I asked.
"Beautiful. I am proud of you, Caitlyn," she told me. Sitting on the edge of the tub while I finished applying my makeup, she added, "I've been wanting to talk to you. I think I’m ready to go home."
"But you love it here. You’ve made a home here," I said.
"I do love it here and being with you but I think I’ve become too comfortable. It’s easy to get lost in Viv's sanctuary. I feel like in this time I’ve also grown. Honey, I know I wasn't a good example of how to be a confident woman or wife."
"That’s not true." Setting my mascara on the vanity, I sat down next to her. Anger filled me. Even from the grave, my father was still convincing her that she was at fault.
"Let me finish,” she demanded gently. "I wasn't. I know you knew about your father's affairs and didn't say anything. You watched as he told me over and over that he would change. Maybe that’s why you ended up with Jeremy. They say some women end up marrying their fathers and I think we both did. I'm glad you’re stopping the cycle. You have Jack now and he’s nothing like Jeremy or your father."
"I don't quite have him yet." I said with a smile. "But, I’m enjoying the time we spend together and he’s a good man."
Hugging me, she said, "Ok, you better finish getting ready. I love you, Caitlyn."
Flawed Perfection: A Collection of Winter Wishes Page 47