Home Is the Sailor

by Lee Rowan

  He started to reply, but was unable to form a rebuttal. Her suggestion was, in fact, the first glimpse he had of a future that might include Will in a socially acceptable way, even if he were not willing to leave the sea and make his home in Devonshire. As long as they were building castles in the air, why not go all the way? What if Will were to be given some sort of assignment that would allow him to stay in England—a position in the Admiralty, for instance? That wouldn’t hold the glory or chance of prize-money that he would get from regular service in the Navy, but if he were to marry Amelia, her marriage portion added to the prize money he already had would provide a comfortable living. Will would not need to buy a place for himself, either. This house was easily large enough for them all, particularly since there was likely to be a dearth of offspring.

  Will would never consider such a thing, of course. Not only was Will averse to life ashore, he could be amazingly stubborn, and David had long suspected that he was actually afraid of women.

  But Will did like Amelia, at least. That might be a start.

  “I’ll speak to him,” he said.

  Chapter 17

  “IF THIS is a joke,” Marshall said, “I don’t think much of it.” He had thought that Davy merely wanted to get out of the house for a while when he suggested going for a ride together, and he was happy to oblige. The day was overcast, but the sun was doing its best to break through the clouds. They had ridden to one of those lovely, quiet places Amelia had mentioned, a narrow stream where they dismounted and sat on a few tumbled stones, watching the water run. Will had been content—until he was faced with this absurd proposition.

  “You know I would never joke of such a thing, Will. But this could solve so many of our problems.”

  “And create far more, I think!”

  “How so? It would mean that this could be your home too. You would not even have to go back to sea, if you chose to stay.”

  “A year ago, you were urging me to go back to sea.” Will smiled at the memory, bittersweet though it was—he and Davy huddled together under the covers at Kit’s estate in Jamaica, waiting for the dawn that might part them forever. “You spoke of duty and how I was needed.”

  “Perhaps I’ve grown more selfish—or less willing to see you sacrificed. I suppose you will be needed. And, Will, if—no, when the call comes, I expect you will answer it.”

  “It’s all I know how to do.” As the words left his mouth, he realized how true that was and how much it meant to him—that there was something he could do, and do well.

  Davy raised an eyebrow. “Are you speaking of the Navy, or commanding a ship?”

  “It’s the same thing.”

  Davy reached across the chasm that had opened between them—only a foot or so between them, but it seemed like miles—and put his hand on Will’s. “No, it’s not, not really. England is an island. All things come and go by water. What matters, I think, is where your ambition truly lies. I have a cousin whose family owns a fleet. If what you want is a ship, I know one could be found.”

  “A merchantman?”

  Davy smiled. “Well, yes—and your face tells me that you do not consider that the same thing.”

  “I had never considered it at all. But would that not make me a hired hand, and ‘in trade,’ and less than a gentleman?”

  “If you were the owner, or even part owner—no, hear me out, Will—a man who owns his ship can do as he likes with it, so long as you don’t mean to start smuggling.”

  “I could never afford to run a ship.”

  “You could not. We could, together. The estate has interest in some of the major trading companies. If you were to buy part of a ship, no one save our man of business need know what the division of shares might be.”

  Will saw the problem with that immediately. “I have no head for business either. Nor any experience—”

  “Nor any need—what do you think a man of business is for? But if you must, go back to the Navy, or something like it. We might see if Sir Percy has enough influence to get you a post with the Sea Fencibles.”

  “He couldn’t possibly. They were disbanded.”

  “They’ll be reformed quickly enough when the war resumes. Can you think of a better job for someone with Intelligence experience than intercepting smuggled gold and information? You would be the ideal man for a command in that service, and if you were stationed near Plymouth—”

  “Impossible!”

  “Will, I don’t mean to cause you distress. I am only trying to discover some way that we may at least see one another from time to time. God knows I did my best, but you set me ashore—” He raised a hand, forestalling Will’s protest. “I do not blame you. I should probably feel the same in your place. In any case, my duty lies here now. After all that has happened, I could not go with you, even if you would have me.”

  Will cursed his own weakness. “It’s not that I don’t want you—”

  “I know.” Davy held Will’s eyes in that contact more intimate than a kiss, then looked away. “And yet here we are, where neither of us wants to be.”

  He released Will’s hand, stood, and walked to the edge of the water. “Perhaps I’m only playing make-believe in thinking there is any hope for us at all. I look out at this land, this beautiful place, and I see an army of people, all counting on me to care for them. More than that—they count on me to marry and raise a child who will see to it that the place is looked after when I’m gone. There is an oblige that goes with noblesse, when all’s said and done.”

  “Other officers leave their wives to manage,” Will said. “Look at Lady Pellew. Sir Edward has no qualms—”

  “That situation is entirely different,” Davy replied. “My mother would never attempt to take the reins here, even if she were able. And no matter how fond he may be of Amelia, there is no way my father would allow his daughter to step into his shoes in managing the estate, even though I am sure she could do it. But you forget our original dilemma. As I said long ago, if I were to stay in the Navy, it would only be if I were to serve with you. Are you saying that you have had a change of heart on that subject?”

  Will shook his head. “I wish that I could, but even so—”

  “Yes. Even so, everything has changed. I care about my home. I care, despite myself. I had not expected to feel such an obligation, but even before I suspected Ronald, the thought of watching him loot Grenbrook to support his own vices…. I thank God we were able to stop him. I’ll never be the man Mark was, but I mean to do my best.”

  “I know you will,” Will said. It should have been easy to be angry with Davy for his ridiculous proposition, but he found it impossible. With their dream of a life together already foundered, it was no surprise that his lover might snatch at this improbable scheme. “It’s simply…. Davy, I know you used to joke about my marrying your sister, but—I think she likes me, but I know she does not love me. Why in the world would she even suggest such a thing?”

  “Because she has no real desire for a husband,” Davy said.

  Will blinked stupidly. “Would you care to explain what you mean by that?”

  “Will, I would like to. In fact, that is why I brought you out here, away from everyone. I must ask you not to shout or get excited.” He came back, sat close, and lowered his voice. “Please try to be calm.”

  “I am—” He caught himself and took a deep breath. “Very well. I am calm.”

  “You’re not, but thank you for making the effort. Now, do you remember how Barrow discerned the precise nature of our friendship—and decided to keep it secret out of regard for us?”

  “Yes. What has that—”

  “It’s much the same thing. Amelia has also discerned—”

  “Oh, no,” Will said. “Your sister? Davy, what would a maiden lady know about—”

  “Love?” Davy’s smile was ironic. “Will, she is my sister. Until I met you, she was the one person in the world with whom I could be myself, though of course I never mentioned all the years I was
smitten with you. She and I were speaking of the changes in my situation, particularly the fact that I am now expected to marry and beget an heir—something I recall you once urged me to do, in no uncertain terms.”

  “Yes, but—”

  “She suggested that we might all help one another. You could marry her with no obligation to give her a child, though that is something you might both reconsider at some point; it would not distress me in the least. I could marry Cousin Jane, and provided we were all extremely discreet—”

  “Davy, that might do very well for us, but it hardly seems fair to the ladies. And what’s so funny?”

  Davy’s eyes were dancing. “My dear Captain Marshall, the ladies have their own arrangement. Why do you think they wished to set up a spinster establishment together?”

  Will’s mind balked at the notion. His imagination could not encompass it. He could feel his ears turning red.

  “Try not to dwell on it,” Davy advised kindly. “I hardly imagine they reflect too much on the particulars of what we do when we are private together. At least, I hope to God they don’t!”

  Will closed his eyes. It didn’t help. But since he knew next to nothing about women, his imagination soon ran blessedly dry.

  “Will?” Davy prodded his shoulder. “Speak to me, sir!”

  “I would if I could think of anything to say. It sounds mad.”

  Davy smiled, relaxing a little. “It does, I agree. And there’s the matter of an heir, which Jane is apparently willing to provide if I wish—and Lord knows, she’d have the worst of the bargain. I am… undecided on that aspect of the question. But that isn’t a dire necessity, since we’d also have the unentailed property. Even if Grenbrook were to go to some cousin or other, the ladies would be left with a handsome living after you and I are gone. Assuming we go first, of course.”

  “It all seems rather cold-blooded,” Will said. “Less so, perhaps, than if you were to marry some stranger for the sake of an heir—”

  “Not cold-blooded at all,” Davy objected. “If you want sangfroid at its chilliest, look at Ronald’s alliance with poor Lenore. He married her to get his hands on her inheritance, and, I’m certain, did away with her as soon as possible after her grandparents died. This would be a matter of four people who care about one another forming a family for mutual support and protection. When you look at it, Will, isn’t that what a family is meant to be?”

  Will felt backed into a corner. “Mr. Archer, I hardly know these ladies! I met them barely a fortnight ago, and you are suggesting that I—”

  That, finally, stopped Davy’s campaign. His face fell. “My God, you’re right. I apologize, Will. I’ve known them all my life, and I feel I’ve known you at least that long, so it seemed…. Forgive me. Let us speak no more of it.”

  “I am not refusing to consider the idea,” Will amended. “Rationally, I can see the merit in it. But your sister may change her mind. She is young, after all—”

  “She’s twenty-four,” Davy said. “She had three seasons in the London marriage marts, gracefully declined several offers, and so far as I can tell, is entirely sure in her mind regarding what she wants. And I don’t mind saying I was never so surprised in my life as when she told me what that is! But I can understand her feelings, because it’s so very close to what I want myself. And I believe that together we might accomplish it.”

  Will refused to be distracted. “I would be a terrible husband.”

  “But an excellent friend—which, I believe, is all she would ask you to be.”

  “That, I might manage.” It seemed Davy had all the answers. Why was he being so contrary? Will didn’t know many women, but he had to admire Lady Amelia, even if it was due mostly to her close resemblance to her brother. But he didn’t want to hope. He was, he realized, afraid to hope. “Must we decide immediately?”

  “Of course not. We’ve had three deaths in the family in the space of a month, and an engagement or wedding anytime soon would be completely out of the question. People are bound to talk, and I expect they will look at the manner of Ronald’s death and draw their own conclusions. No, the last thing we want to do is call attention to our activities.”

  Will relaxed a little.

  “The only thing I must do, for now,” Davy said, “is avoid fatal accidents. In six months or so, I might start hinting that Jane and I are considering an alliance. It would be better to wait awhile longer before you and Amelia made any serious decision, though I admit the idea of a double wedding, with all of us together at the altar, has a certain appeal.”

  Will was about to make a sarcastic retort, but something in that image resonated in his soul. “If we have time to consider our course….”

  “Yes, so long as you manage to stay alive! In a way, this situation suits me very well—I can resign my commission for the same reason Mark did a few years back, without worrying if anyone would whisper that I’ve lost my nerve. And it’s no deception. I am urgently needed here at home. I know nothing about how to run this place—and that’s not the only thing I need to learn. I’m nowhere near ready to step into my father’s shoes.”

  Will had the sense of Davy drawing away, as the land did when one set sail. He wanted to reach out and seize him, but knew that would make no difference. “You’ll be in Parliament one day,” he said quietly.

  Davy grimaced. “Yet another reason I hope my father recovers completely and has a long, full life. I hate politics. But yes, that’s very likely. And it’s why I pray you will not desert me.”

  “But… from the sound of it, you’ll have a wife, if you want one.”

  “In name only. That’s all many men have, I suppose. But after what you and I have had together, that is not enough.”

  “Davy—it’s everything I had hoped for, for you. Even better than I’d dared imagine—”

  “Damn it, stop imagining my life for me! What makes you think that’s what I had hoped for? For God’s sake, Will, I don’t want a title. I don’t want a wife.” He looked up, his eyes pleading. “I want you. I need one person strong enough to hold fast when the world goes mad. Even if you were only home once in a long while, even if the Navy has first claim on you… if you were married to my sister, you would legally be a part of my family. If you left the Navy, you would have a home. If you were hurt, we could care for you. If you—” He looked away. “If you were killed, at least I would know.”

  He let out a deep breath. “My apologies. I am verging on the maudlin. No doubt if you went out in a blaze of glory, I would hear, eventually, in any case.” He got up, wandered a few steps away, then turned. “It’s your decision, Will,” he said. “It always has been. I realize that any choice will be difficult for you, but—” He spread his hands, palms up. “I have no choices left me. What do you want?”

  “What?”

  “What do you want for us, Will? What do you want for yourself?”

  The question stopped him dead. Since he had joined the Navy, what he wanted had been what he supposed anyone would want: promotion, prize money, recognition in the Naval Gazette. Did not every midshipman dream of the day he might make Post Captain, with his foot securely on the ladder of promotion to Admiral?

  Back in Jamaica, all that had turned to ashes. He had been ready to throw it all over for Davy, for a life shuttling small cargo among the islands. He had more options now, all of them better—and one of them included staying in the Navy, on that clear path to Post Captain. He had only one more step to go.

  “Will?”

  “I—I’m sorry. I had never considered that.”

  Davy laughed aloud and sat back down on the rock, shaking his head. “Oh, Will. I might have known. Try considering that, if you please. Imagine your life, ten years from now. What might it be like, if all goes well? What would you hope for it to be? Is there a place in it for me?”

  “Of course!” Will said without thinking—but that was the only thing that came easily. What would he do if he left the Navy, came ashore for good? He knew no
thing of farming, and there seemed no place for him in the running of an estate such as this. But he could run a ship, and he knew a merchant captain might do very well for himself.

  If he stayed in the Navy, at least for a time, that would be easiest of all. He would have no say in where he was sent, might well wind up on the other side of the world and be gone for years. He might never return. Since there was no one else who had a claim on his affection, what would he risk, really, by going along with this mad scheme?

  He looked up and saw Davy watching him once again, his eyes the blue-gray of wind and water. That beautiful face, unswerving loyalty… and a body that loved fully, a heart that would not permit love to be sullied with shame. David Archer had become part of his life, the center of his very existence.

  Will had held command for a short while without his love beside him. He could do it again, if he had to. But for how long? How long before his soul withered away under that terrible solitude? He craved the company of his fellow man less than most, but he knew how far he had come from the boy he had once been, an ambitious midshipman who wanted his own ship more than anything and had no close connections.

  He had one now. Love had come to him through a most extraordinary set of circumstances that would never occur again… nor would he wish for anything like it with anyone else. “I don’t mean to be such a trial,” he said at last.

  “Nor do I. I do not want to lose you, but if you want your freedom, I cannot hold you.”

  “No. No, the last thing I want is to be free of you. But I must have some purpose—I cannot hang on your sleeve here, any more than you could hang about in Portsmouth waiting for me.”

  “Be honest, then—what better arrangement could we have? You’ve found you can’t run a ship with me standing beside you like a walking target.”

  “More like my heart in the open, an easy target for any stray shot—”

  “Oh, Will…. That bad?”

  He shrugged helplessly. “Yes. I’m sorry.”

  “There’s no need for apology now. Fate seems to have made the decision for both of us, given me a better task than hanging in limbo for months on end, waiting for you to spend a few hours ashore. I had dreaded that prospect—but I have a man’s work now, real responsibilities. I shall miss the freedom, but I think I’ll be better for having the place to care for while you’re gone. For you, it would be no worse than it is for any officer who leaves his sweetheart ashore and sails off to battle. You know I will always be here when you return. If you still want me.”