Dead Man Gaming

by A. J. Markam

  And then I saw the Shadow Bank.

  I suddenly realized I had the perfect opportunity to look inside.

  It was out of curiosity more than anything else. When else would I get the chance?

  I looked around in paranoia, then hightailed it over to the bank, past the hired muscle.

  I sprinted through the open front doors. Unfortunately, there was one of those gates made out of crisscrossing bars. Holes big enough to see through, but not big enough for my ghost body to slip through.

  I lucked out: it was closing just as I ran in.

  I dove under the slowly moving gate, and came up on the other side next to the guy who had just walked through. He was a dwarf, I’m guessing – short legs, long beard, scowling expression. He was also dressed in some incredibly expensive-looking robes.

  An elf came up to him and greeted him. Though I couldn’t hear what they were saying, I got the feeling that it was a business appointment – polite but curt. The elf was expensively dressed, too. Unlike all the other employees, he wore robes with elaborate patterns of black twisting through them, like vines with spiked thorns on them. I couldn’t tell what the color was – everything still looked silver.

  There weren’t many people in the lobby: three bankers behind tellers’ desks – a human, a goblin, and another elf – and a couple of heavily armored guards standing on either side of the iron gate.

  The elf went left through an open doorway. The dwarf followed him – so I did, too.

  We walked down a long hallway, filled with heavily armored doors. The doors had no windows, just keyholes and massive metal handles. Every so often there was another guard keeping watch, standing still like those guys you see guarding Buckingham Palace. Except these guys weren’t furry-headed pansies – they were badass warriors in spiked armor.

  I nervously eyed my counter. 1:50 to go.

  The elf stopped in front of a door marked ‘29,’ produced a ring of metal keys, and put one of them into the keyhole. It was funny, I knew exactly what the attachments on the end of the key were.

  I bet I could pick that lock, I thought to myself.

  Then came four different shimmers of light – one bright, one medium, one light, and one dark.

  Light magic, two elements, then dark magic.

  …actually, it might be a little harder to pick than I thought…

  The door swung open and revealed a room about 20’ x 20’. Enchanted crystals lined the ceiling and immediately started glowing as soon as the dwarf walked in.

  A small table with raised edges sat in the middle of the room, sort of like a miniature craps table but with no markings.

  Why the raised edges?

  There was also a simple wooden chair. Multiple safes sat against the walls, each of them with their own elaborate locks.

  The elf said something to the dwarf, who nodded and waved the elf off with a flap of his hand. The elf bowed his head slightly, withdrew, and closed the door behind him.

  On this side of the door, there was a handle but no lock. Once you were in, it looked like you could get out any time you wanted.

  The dwarf parted his robes with a meaty hand and heaved out a huge leather bag. Then he dumped the contents onto the table. I immediately saw the reason for the raised edges: so the massive flood of diamonds, gemstones, and gold coins didn’t tumble off and spill all over the floor.

  My eyes bugged out. Compared to our haul at the vampires’ manor, this guy had at least a hundred times as much as we’d found. And it was probably worth way more, since the diamonds and rubies ranged in size from a blueberry to a small plum.

  There might have been four or five million dollars lying on that table.

  The dwarf waddled over to one of the safes, pulled his own key from a chain around his neck, and unlocked it.

  A cloud of sparkling light appeared around the safe. The door swung open, and I could see several shelves inside, each with small boxes of diamonds sorted by size. The stones ranged from a carat all the up to big as a man’s fist.

  My eyes bugged out. If there was four or five million on the table, there was quite possibly a hundred million in that safe.

  The dwarf pulled out two of the velvet-covered trays and placed them on the table, then started sorting diamonds into it by size.

  I looked up at the counter. 37… 36… 35…

  I couldn’t get out the door unless the dwarf opened it, and it didn’t look like he was going to be doing that any time soon – so I began to inspect the individual safes, instead.

  There were eight of them. Several were small and were stacked on top of the others. A couple were huge – the size of a full-size refrigerator. I peered closely at the holes and noticed that the lock mechanisms looked familiar.

  I would’ve done anything to be able to pull out a pair of ghost lock picks and actually try my hand at them – although I was pretty sure that the locks would all incorporate magic, too. If this guy had a hundred million dollars’ worth of diamonds, he wasn’t going to go for a cheap enchantment on a safe.

  Or… would he?

  Was the fact that we were in the videogame version of Fort Knox providing him with a false sense of security?

  The lock to the room had had four distinct shades of colored flashes – four different types of magic in a specific combination, not to mention the mechanical complexity of the lock.

  But the dwarf’s safe had had only one flash of magic.

  And as far as I could see, he only had one key. He might have been stupid enough to just have one key for all the safes.

  If I can just get into one of these rooms, the rest will be easy pickings…

  12 seconds… 11 seconds… 10 seconds…

  I looked the dwarf over as closely as I could, trying to fine something unusual about him. Nothing I could see. He had a necklace with a key that fit safes, and that was it.

  I guess you could steal the key from around his neck, but you would still have to get into the Shadow Bank – and then you would still have to get the door keys from the bank manager.

  Or you could pick the doors and the safes. That would only leave getting into the Shadow Bank.

  My mind began to turn, thinking about exactly how to do it…

  Suddenly the bank safety deposit vault faded away, and I was taken back to the graveyard – except now everything was in color.

  And I felt absolutely freaking awful.

  I collapsed onto my hands and knees and felt like puking.

  “What the hell?” I asked aloud to no one in particular.

  The Grim Reaper answered. “Resurrection Sickness. For the next ten minutes, your attacks will only deal one third as much damage, and your armor is reduced in effectiveness by 75%.”

  Great. I was basically as helpless as a baby.

  Maybe a toddler.

  Suddenly my chat interface appeared and dinged several times. I looked at the open window –

  Oh shit.

  Jen.

  The chat interface filled up with several lines all at once. Delayed messages while I was dead.

  I’m here – where are you?

  I’m by the fountain. Where are you?

  YOU asked to meet ME – if you didn’t want to meet, why did you even ask?!

  I weakly typed from where I was lying on the ground.

  Got killed graveyard sick please help.

  After I sent it, there was a few seconds’ delay – and then a one line reply.

  Okay, I’m coming.

  I staggered to my feet and wobbled back and forth. Resurrection Sickness sucked. I steadied myself with a hand on a tombstone and waited.

  The Grim Reaper was gone, but that was to be expected. The world was back to its Technicolor brightness and full sound.

  Two minutes later, Jen walked through the main gates of the cemetery, saw me, and headed right over. “What the hell happened? Did you challenge somebody to PVP or something?”

  Oh yeah. What did happen? Or, rather, what was the story of what
happened?

  I decided to buy myself some time and groaned, “I feel awful.”

  “Yup, that’s Resurrection Sickness for you. The next few minutes are going to feel like crap, and you’re basically useless in a fight.”

  “Can Richard heal me?”

  “No, you just have to ride it out. What happened, did you mouth off to somebody?”

  “Not exactly…”

  She narrowed her eyes. “Look Jimmy, if you’re going to be a mysterious dick again, then get somebody else to come rescue you when –

  “My ex-girlfriend,” I blurted out. “I have a baby with her.”

  “…you do?” Jen asked, all the anger gone from her voice. Instead there was a note of hesitancy.

  “Yeah. That’s why I have to keep talking to her in the game. We fight too much in real life, so this is the only place we can talk without things getting out of control.”

  “I’d say things kind of got a little out of control,” Jen said, trying to suppress a smile. “Did she kill you?”

  I thought about how stupid that would be. How weak I would look. So I lied again. “No, her new boyfriend did.”

  “Her boyfriend?!”

  “Yeah.” Why not add in some details to make it more believable? “Her boyfriend’s a giant orc with a bunch of tats.”

  “That asshole,” she seethed. “Come on, let’s go get the rest the group and crush his ass.”

  “No!” I said in a panic. “No, no, don’t worry about it.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because…”

  Because he’s the head of the Russian mob, and he’d kill us all in real life?

  “Because he’d just make it harder on Arkova.”

  “‘Arkova’? That’s her name?”

  “Uh… in the game, yeah.”

  “What’s her real name?”

  I couldn’t come up with anything great off the top of my head, so I used my first girlfriend’s name. “Marissa.”

  “Oh. Is it a boy or a girl?”

  “What?!” Was she suggesting I was gay, and Marissa/Arkova was a dude?! “Of course she’s a girl!”

  “I was talking about your kid.”

  Oh.

  “A little boy,” I said.

  “Cute. What’s his name?”

  I hesitated a second too long. “…Jimmy Jr.”

  She squinted in revulsion. “Did you just forget your own kid’s name?”

  No, I had to make one up.

  “No – no, I just… I feel weird talking about it with you.”

  “Why?”

  I was sick of lying – so instead of saying The Truth, which was I don’t want to lie anymore, I went with a truth.

  “…because I like you.”

  “Oh,” she said, then went silent.

  We looked at each other for an awkward couple of seconds.

  I cursed Slothfart, Russell, and Richard for making me think she would in any way return my feelings.

  “…did I just make it weird?” I asked.

  “No!” she protested, then laughed. “Well – a little, maybe, yeah… kind of.”

  She looked at me again, but this time she gave me that look girls give when they want you to kiss them on the first date. You know – look down at your lips, then up your eyes? Brush their hair back behind one ear?

  But I couldn’t. I felt too awful. Rather than let the moment pass, though, I thought I might get another laugh with the truth.

  “You know, right about now is when I would normally try to kiss you,” I said, “but I don’t think that’s the right move, considering I feel like I might puke any second.”

  “Ewww. Yeah, not really wanting to get puke in my mouth,” she said, holding up a hand as she winced and grinned at the same time.

  I said my next line without thinking, and my complete earnestness and sincerity was what made it utterly ridiculous. “I would never puke in your mouth.”

  She started laughing again, a real belly laugh that went on and on until she doubled over.

  I, of course, felt like a complete idiot.

  When she finally stood up ten seconds later, she wiped a tear off her cheek. “Oh… oh my… that was the most romantic thing anybody has ever said to me in a videogame before.”

  “Well,” I said with a glum half-smile,” “you know me – I’m a real charmer.”

  “Even more than Seth and Russell.”

  “Oh geez.”

  She laughed again. “Come on, let’s get you back to the bar. I think you’re going to need a stiff drink after this. Here.” She took my arm and draped it around her shoulder, then supported me as she led me back to the cemetery gates, hobbling all the way.

  “Thanks,” I said.

  “You’re welcome.”

  After a few seconds of quiet she said, “I do, too.”

  “Do what?”

  “Like you,” she said quietly.

  She leaned over and gave me a peck on my cheek. Then she pulled back and smiled.

  Despite the Resurrection Sickness, I suddenly felt like a million bucks.

  I leaned in to kiss her –

  “Aaah,” she said, and put a finger to my lips. “Maybe later, what I don’t have the image in my mind of you about to barf all over me.”

  “Ew,” I chuckled, then nodded. “Okay.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me you had a kid with your ex? I would’ve understood.”

  I didn’t really have an answer for that, and I felt too bad to try to manufacture one, so I went with the old standby.

  “…it’s complicated.”

  She sighed heavily. “It always is.”

  37

  By the time we got back, a plan was already beginning to form in my mind. But I put it on the back burner until later.

  As we walked into the pub, my arm was still around Jen’s neck as I leaned against her.

  “Well,” Slothfart said, “that escalated quickly.”

  Jen dumped me in the booth. “He’s got Resurrection Sickness.”

  “Why’s he got Resurrection Sickness?”

  “My ex-girlfriend’s boyfriend,” I said.

  “Oh snap,” Slothfart said, “your baby mama’s got another dude?”

  Immediately Russell and Richard both looked at Slothfart like, What the hell, man?

  “…shit,” Slothfart grimaced. “I didn’t spill the beans, did I?”

  “No,” Jen said tartly, “I know about the baby mama.” She looked over at me. “Did you really get relationship advice from these idiots?”

  “I resemble that remark!” Russell hooted.

  “Idiots? Who’re you callin’ idiots?” Slothfart snapped.

  “Oh, I don’t know, the guy who casually let it slip about his kid?” Jen answered.

  “I would say that’s a fair characterization,” Richard said.

  “All right, all right – granted, I may not be the smoothest orc on the block with the ladies – ”

  There was a gale of laughter from everybody at the table except for me and Slothfart.

  “Hey now,” Slothfart said crossly. “I’ll have you know I get plenty of fine chicks.”

  “Yeah, usually when you promise them you have weed back at your apartment,” Jen said.

  “That is a perfectly acceptable dating maneuver!” Slothfart yelled.

  “Like asking a girl if she wants coffee after a date,” Jen suggested.

  “Yeah!” Slothfart agreed.

  “Or a drink!” Russell shouted.

  “Yeah!”

  “Or to see your etchings,” Richard suggested.

  “NO. No, not that, definitely not that,” Slothfart said, then went into an acting routine where he was smirking at an invisible woman with a seductive smirk. Well, seductive for an orc, maybe. “‘Hey, babe, I got some bodacious dank – you wanna come up and hit the pipe?”

  Jen made an ewww face. “I hope to God that was not a euphemism.”

  “For your information, no, it wasn’t – that was str
aight-up game, yo!”

  “For drug addicts,” Richard said helpfully.

  “Not for drug addicts!” Slothfart roared.

  “They prefer to be called ‘420 friendly,’” Russell grinned, then waggled his eyebrows.

  “Yes. Thank you,” Slothfart said, then frowned. “But stop making that creepy-ass face when you say it.”

  “That’s just my face!”

  “Whatever. I would like to stop focusing on me for a minute and get back to Jimmy. So, dude – really? Her current boyfriend went all PVP on you?”

  “Something like that.”

  “Well, crap – Richard, get this man a drink.”

  “I think, as the one who let it inadvertently slip about his love child, that you should be the one to go get it,” the troll replied.

  “No – ” Slothfart started.

  “All in favor,” Richard said, “say ‘aye.’”

  The entire table except for Slothfart said ‘aye.’ Even me.

  “What?! This is bullshit,” the orc grumbled.

  Richard smiled. “This is democracy… bitches.”

  The entire table howled with laughter – again, except for Slothfart.

  The orc raised one finger like he was going to make a point – and then finally joined in and chuckled with everybody else. “All right, that was good, I gotta admit. And I’ll get us a drink, after we talk about something we heard.”

  “What’s that?” Jen asked sarcastically. “The best nudie bar in the city?”

  “No, but almost as good, and a lot more lucrative – at least for us, since we won’t be paying strippers. No, we heard this guy talking about doing a bunch of chain quests outside of the city. Seems like you can pick it up by escorting a supply line out to a mine. There’s even a dungeon down in the caves.”

  “Not bad. What kind of XP are we talking about?”

  “This guy was a 28, and he said he leveled up two times doing the whole thing.”

  “Okay, not bad at all. We might be able to get four level-ups out of it.”

  “That’s what I was thinking!”

  I was immediately seized with a little bit of panic. I was supposed to figure out a way to infiltrate the orcs as soon as possible –

  Except I’ve already screwed THAT one up.