Mail Order Nanny (Book 3 of the Amory's)

by Hestand, Rita

  Tanka reached for his jacket on the wall peg. "I'm going home. Facing her is easier than listening to you."

  "That's because you know I’m right. Look, relax a little. She's not some vamp out to seduce you. She's not some beast out to steal your children. She's a nice lady, and she knows how to handle those girls. Her references, in case you are interested, are impeccable. And those girls are growing up and they need a woman around…"

  "I've noticed. You've told me repeatedly almost every day." Tanka stopped, realizing his brother was speaking the truth and that he didn't deserve his reprimand. "God, I never wanted to see them grow up…and leave me."

  "They all leave Tanka, sooner or later." Chayton reached to lay a hand on his brother's shoulder. "You would want them to have a life of their own."

  "Yeah. I guess I have been on edge…for no reason."

  But then his mind wandered back to that kiss and he wrestled with the emotions going through him again. "It would have been better to have an older woman…"

  "And uglier?" Chayton challenged.

  Tanka stared into his brother's eyes. "And uglier. And not so damned innocent looking," he repeated, and both of them smiled.

  "So you are fighting something else…you're attracted to her…" Chayton murmured.

  Tanka started to rebuke that thought, but this was his brother, the only man he trusted with his life and his family. He couldn't stand there and lie to him. Besides, he really needed someone who understood his frustrations.

  "Gina was the only one for me…" he whispered on a second thought.

  "I see. Do you think if the situations were reversed, and Gina had lived and you had died, would you have wanted her to go on alone for the rest of her life? You've got to face that question before you can go on," Chayton asked, searching his brother's face for answers. "Would you expect it? Would you want her trying to raise the kids and work and do all that had to be done alone, up here?"

  "I wish it had been me…" Tanka cried out, losing his emotions in the moment.

  "I know that. But Gina died doing what she loved. She loved flying. She loved life. But Tanka, you've got to put her to rest once and for all. Or even your kids won't like you in the long run. Now you are getting to the root of the problem. You wished it had been you. But you don't have a choice in this matter. It was Gina. You of all people should know that only God controls death." Chayton brought his feet together, stood erect and faced his brother with all the courage he had. "You are letting yourself die now in this self-pity trip you have been nursing for so long. I know, of all people how much you loved Gina. We all do. I really don't want to say this to you every day. You certainly don't have to prove it to me or to Kasie how much you cared for her. We were there with you. But here's a fact you've got to face. Your girls are growing up, without the benefit of a woman, a woman they need. Annie is willing to put her own life on hold to do this job. She's putting your children first and foremost. She's doing exactly what you are paying her for and I gotta admire her stamina. As young as she is, I'm sure that isn't an easy decision to make. Why in heaven's name are you fighting it? If she wasn't doing a good job, I'd be the first to say let her go. But she is. And she's the best thing that's come into your life in a long time, bro. I just wish you could see it."

  Tanka put his jacket on, crammed his knit cap on his head then turned to look at Chayton as he started to open the door.

  "Maybe I do…maybe that's what scares me so much…" he muttered. "The going on…"

  Chayton stared for a long minute, and then smiled. He nodded as though to himself.

  Tanka walked out into the cold of the night, wondering what that admission meant.

  Chayton stood in the office a little longer, and as he finally turned the lamps out he smiled and said aloud, "Yes, bro…that's what scares you…"

  Chapter Seven

  Snow accumulated in the doorway, making a screeching sound as Tanka entered late that same evening.

  He certainly wasn't expecting Annie to come down the stairs in her flannel gown and robe she hadn't fastened. He looked up into her innocent face and his heart did a flip flop. Why was she up at this hour?

  "I didn't mean to wake you…" He shuffled the snow off his boots and hung his coat and cap on the wall-peg by the door.

  "I tried to shovel the snow off the porch but it's been coming down so steady, I couldn't get it all off," Annie said heading for the kitchen. "I guess that's part of what makes ya'll so sturdy a people up here, all the work just to get to work."

  "Yeah, it's gonna be thick tomorrow." He glanced at her as she tied her sash and began to make coffee for him.

  "You needn't bother making me anything," he insisted.

  "No bother at all. I have a plate for you in the microwave and I'm sure coffee would warm you up quickly." She didn't bother looking at him as she worked to fill the coffee canter. It amazed him how automatically she did things as though she'd been here forever.

  "Well thanks…Annie," he muttered almost to himself. "Coffee does sound kind of nice."

  "Rough day?" she asked as she glanced over her shoulder at him.

  "Not really. Just long. How about you, any problems?" he asked as he came to stand beside her at the stove and warmed his hands.

  "Not a one. Except getting the girls out for school tomorrow might be a problem." She gestured at the weather again. "I'm not going to tell you how capable I am in driving in the snow this time. But really, it's the car more than the snow and my judgment in distances."

  "If it gets too bad they might close the schools for the day," he suggested. "They often do during the winter; just means they'll have to make it up come spring though. Keep the radio tuned in the local news. They usually report it early if they are going to close down."

  "Oh, that would be good. And I will keep the radio on every morning so I will know for sure." She got the cups down from the cupboard and went back to the stove to get the coffee. As she reached for the coffee pot, his hand stayed her.

  "Annie…I'm sorry about the other day…" he began.

  She seemed to stiffen a little, as she turned her blue eyes on him. His heart did another flip flop. What was wrong with him? But he still didn't move his hand.

  "I know you are," she said throatily. "So am I. I upset you, and I really didn't mean all the hateful things I said either…" She didn't look at him now. "I'm not usually so outspoken. I think I just wanted to get back at you for not welcoming me. You see, I put my faith in those letters that I thought were from you. Pouring out your heart at how badly you needed help. Losing my mother, I understood you better than you realized. Anyway, I sold the house and car and decided to make a fresh start here. Then I get here and to find out…."

  "You weren't welcome. I'm sorry, I hadn't taken your circumstances into account I guess," he admitted.

  He studied the coffee a long time, then running his finger around the rim of the cup he looked at her again.

  "The things you said, they did hurt, but it was true. I guess I needed to hear them. I hadn't let go of my wife. I know that. But it hurt knowing I was so transparent, if you know what I mean. Families are usually too polite to say what they think. And you are right. You've been right since you came here, Annie. I do need you. We all do. I can see that now. It's just hard for a man like me to admit. I honestly thought I could handle everything on my own, but I was wrong. I never once thought my girls would go behind my back and do something like this. That hurt too. Although, after giving it some thought, I realized it was something I should have tended to. So I gave them no choice."

  She nodded and slowly moved away to the table where she sat down and put her coffee cup in front of her. She fingered the edges of the cup for a few minutes as though thinking. "Sometimes…" She considered her own words before speaking. "Sometimes it takes a stranger to point something like that out. Your family doesn't want to hurt you. It wasn't easy when my mother died, I can tell you. I'm an only child and I felt so alone. I was afraid to go on. I'd bee
n waiting on her so long, and then to not have her. There is security in someone needing you. That's why I decided moving away might help me. And I guess I had someone point that out to me, too. You see, at first I went into real seclusion."

  Tanka joined her at the table, although he sat on the opposite side and stared at her intently.

  "You were very close you said."

  "Yes, very much so. We'd lived together my entire life. My father died when I was little, so it was just me and Mom. Naturally, we grew close. When she got sick it seemed only right to take care of her. But…it left me a little short for a social life. At the time I really didn't care about having a social life. I was out of school, and she really needed me. I guess that's why I chose this kind of profession, taking care of others, so I wouldn't be a total recluse and alone all the time." She laughed nervously. "I'm not afraid of life, Mr. Amory. Let's just say it has taken me a little longer to make my own way. And I realized a long time ago that taking care of my mother would put my own life on hold. And I'm as guilty as you are for doing so. That's why I can recognize it so easily."

  "I think it's time you started calling me Tanka. The Mister makes me feel old." He smiled.

  "Alright, I really wasn't sure what to call you…"

  "You could call me a jackass if you wanted to. I wouldn't blame you," he said still staring.

  She smiled but didn't look at him.

  "That's why it shocked me so much when you kissed me. I had expected just about anything, but that," she insisted, her head hung. "Dating has been a luxury I couldn't afford lately. I'm way out of the habit. I didn't know how to react."

  "Oh your reactions were right on." He smiled.

  She blushed.

  He cocked his head and looked away; he'd scared her witless. God he hadn't meant to do that. Annie was a sensitive young woman, not used too much passion, obviously, but he wouldn't say she couldn't kiss. Because he thoroughly enjoyed every minute of their kiss, even though he'd never tell her so. Even now sitting here in the kitchen in her big fuzzy robe, and shoes that had rabbit ears on them he found her enchanting.

  He shouldn't, but he did.

  "I've never been kissed like that before," she uttered.

  "Like…?" His brow furrowed.

  "Like you meant it…I guess," she finished, shrugging her shoulders. "But you didn't mean it. And that was like a slap in the face, too."

  "Annie, we are going to have to start working together if this is going to work at all. And we have to put that kiss behind us. Just forget it. I'm sorry it ever happened," he began.

  What an insult, but he was right, of course. "Please don't say anymore. It wasn't with the right person, I know. It wasn't meaningful, I understand, but don't apologize any longer. Under normal circumstances that would never have happened. Least of all with me…But that kiss was the nicest thing I've ever experienced with a man, despite the fact that it scared me witless for a moment."

  "Annie…understand this, the kiss was quite pleasurable. That's what disturbed me. I felt at the time I was being untrue to my wife…"

  "Oh I do understand that…and I'm sure I drove you to do that…"

  "No, you didn't." He stood up and came around to her side; he bent his head, lifted hers and smiled into her tearful eyes. "But it won't happen again…"

  "It won't?" she uttered breathlessly. Now she looked into his eyes.

  He moved closer. About to put his lips to hers once more, he heard Tara call to him. "Daddy?"

  He jerked away from Annie as though burned and turned to face his daughter who was rubbing her eyes. Had he lost his mind completely, he'd just told her it would never happen again and if Tara hadn't come in they would be kissing again.

  "What are you doing up, Pumpkin?" He grabbed Tara and kissed her instead on the cheek.

  "I thought I heard voices. Where you been, Daddy?"

  "I just got home…" he explained.

  Tara shivered and he cuddled her closer. "I missed you, Daddy. I always miss you when you are gone."

  "Can I have some hot chocolate?" Tara glanced at Annie.

  "Sure, if your dad doesn't mind." Annie smiled going to the pantry relieved not to have to be in the conversation.

  "Only one cup and you are off to bed again, young lady," he scoffed.

  "Okay Daddy, but I missed you. You've been working late too much…"

  "Yes, I guess I have. But maybe I won't have to now." He placed her at the table and realizing his child had missed him elated him. He didn't need Annie; he just needed to come home earlier, that was all.

  He watched Annie prepare the hot chocolate as he talked small talk with his daughter. He remembered how he used to come in late long ago and Gina would prepare him a meal and they would talk long into the night. He sighed. Those days were over. Nothing re-enforced it like seeing Annie in his kitchen.

  Now there was Annie, and he wondered where he was supposed to put her in his heart. He knew she was growing to be an important asset in his life. He could not ignore that. But could he get over the infatuation of her and concentrate on being just her boss. He wasn't sure. It'd be easier just to fire her, but then he'd feel guilty for doing it. No matter which way he looked at it, it was a hopeless situation.

  His brother's little lecture did help. And looking at the interplay between Tara and Annie was almost like watching her mother with Tara. The feelings she evoked in him scared him though. And as he stared at her and saw her sweet smile at Tara, he couldn't help but be intrigued with her.

  He had to quit comparing. Annie was an employee, not family.

  Still the warm feeling she created in a room had him wondering if he could remember that.

  And the urge to kiss her seemed to arise more than he wanted to admit.

  ***

  Annie laid in her bed that night wondering why she couldn't get over Tanka's apology and his aim to kiss her again just after he said he wouldn't. She wanted that kiss as much as he did.

  Surprise, surprise! She was unbearably attracted to him, and that would never do. Perhaps she should consider this job and move on, because the longer she stayed the more she wanted to insinuate herself here, and she wasn't convinced that he had thoughts along those lines.

  Men kissed girls all the time. They enjoyed it. But it didn't always mean anything either.

  She wondered if she was fantasizing his kiss. Had she blown it up from what it was? No, she didn't think so. There had been real passion in his kiss, and that was scary, because she had responded in kind. Like two lovers starved for one another. That was it! They both needed some kind of support for their losses. They had ironically consoled each other.

  With no one to compare his kisses to, it was hard to stay grounded. Annie tried to retrace her tracks to her last serious boyfriend, but it was hard to compare Benny with Tanka. And yet why should she compare them, Benny had been her boyfriend in high school. She'd gone to the prom with him, spent the better part of one summer learning water sports from him, but Benny was not marriage material. She'd known that and was glad of it. At that time thought she had a brilliant future as a social worker, once she finished college. Only finishing college became a dream, not a reality when her mother took sick. She made a life choice, and she couldn't be sorry of it.

  She just had to remember that Tanka was not marriage material, and she'd do better to keep her lips to herself.

  His wife might be dead, but it was clear she was still very much in his heart.

  Could she continue to do her job, without getting involved with her boss?

  The one thing she hadn't expected, being attracted to her boss, confused her greatly. No one knew better just what he had thought of her. On one hand he was handsome, virile and seemed like a good guy. On the other hand, he wasn't over his dead wife yet. So he wasn't available. She'd have to be careful, because she could easily fall for her new boss, and it would mean instant heartache.

  If it weren't for that kiss, she wouldn't worry, but she knew his passion was real
and hers matched it.

  She had to forget it, if she wanted to keep this job. She remembered what the agency had told her long ago, not to get too involved in the client or the children.

  Or the children. Dear God, she already loved them.

  She tossed and turned the entire night, wondering what might have happened if he had tried to kiss her again.

  In her heart, she knew she'd let him, because despite all the scoldings and better thoughts of it, the kiss was a treasured memory of what real love might be some day…for her.

  "He's not over his wife; I shouldn't get involved," she told herself just before she fell asleep. "I should never let him kiss me again," she murmured as sleep overtook her.

  Chapter Eight

  Katie flew into the house that next afternoon in a whirl as she saw everyone staring at her. Her face turned bright red.

  "What's with you?" Jewel wrinkled her nose up at her.

  "Nothing…"

  "Doesn't seem like nothing."

  "It's just…well; we got a school dance next week. And Noah asked me to the dance…only…I don't know how to dance!" Katie practically shouted as Annie and her sisters gathered about her. "And…I like Noah, so I want to go."

  Annie knew she'd been containing her glee around her sister so they wouldn't raze her about it. But she couldn't help it once they were home, she belted out her news like she were spewing dead fish from her mouth.

  "Well, that's easy enough to accomplish. I'll teach you what I know…" Annie offered. "No need to panic."

  "Want to tell us about Noah?" Jewel raised her brow and waited.

  "No!" she hollered defensively. "I was so hoping you could help me, Annie." Katie smiled. "Is it hard to learn?"

  "Not really. The secret to dancing is to go with the flow of the music. Listen and let your body listen. Don't worry about making the right moves, but how your body moves with the music, that's what is so satisfying about dancing." Annie watched her float about the room.