The Diary of a Side Chick 6 (SCD)

by Tamicka Higgins

  I shook my head and got myself together, again, as I headed up to lil mommas door. The steps creaked as I stepped onto them to make my way up onto the porch. Before I was standing right before the door, I saw the curtains in the window shuffle slightly and move to the side to reveal a little girl. She rubbed her precious brown eyes and smiled at me when she saw me. I didn’t even really know this little girl but the way she looked at me made it feel like I had been in her life for a long time. She looked like Kairee and she had his precious smile. I watched as she took her gaze up off me and back into her house, running into whatever room to go fetch her momma. Her voice was so precious and so small and I loved everything about it. She finally got a hold of her mother and the two of them greeted me at the door, little girl was in her mommas arms as they revealed themselves to me behind the screen door.

  “Hang on baby, go on and sit on the couch in the livin’ room, momma will be right there,” Chloe said as she sat down the precious little angel.

  Chloe watched her baby obey and waited until she was good and comfortable on the couch before she stepped outside and closed the door. For whatever reason, I was ready for Chloe to start yellin’ at me and tellin’ me a whole bunch of shit as to why it was my fault that Kairee died. Yo, to be completely honest, I had no explanation for all the bullshit as to why I keep assumin’ people gone say shit that they probably ain’t gone say. I don’t know. I simply just took a couple steps back and made room for her to come out and stand in front of me. I really thought she was gone say somethin’ smart when she stood in front of me with her arms crossed and her weight shifted so that she leaned onto her left leg. Not to mention, she even gave me a look of disgust. Shit, I was ready for whatever she wanted to say.

  “Kaleo, I—” Chloe started before she undid her arms and wrapped them around my body. She started to weep into my white tee, smearing her mascara and eyeliner and shit all on my fresh shirt. I would normally get mad at this type of female shit, but I felt for her. I knew how upset she was feeling and I just wanted to be there for her so this was aight.

  I waited until she finished her cry session before I lifted up her head and had her look me in my eyes. She looked so hurt and so empty.

  “Kaleo, this is my fault. I just feel like if I didn’t have him meet me on that day, he wouldn’t have gotten killed like that.”

  I looked at her confused, trying to pull myself together. She really thought it was her fault? I swear I thought she was gone sit here and blame me for all of this shit. Lil momma really thought she did something wrong?

  “Chloe, girl. Come on now, you can’t possibly believe—”

  I stopped midsentence when I saw her eyes glisten and pour out more tears. I needed to watch what I was going to say next because she was obviously very vulnerable and very hurt and I needed to just be there for her. Now wasn’t the time to attack her character and attack what she was thinking because even though it wasn’t logical, it made sense to her and that was all that mattered at this moment. She really thought that it was her fault for callin’ him to come over. Shit. I sighed heavily before I continued.

  “Listen, it isn’t your fault at all, okay? We both know what game he runs and what we all have ourselves into. Shit, honestly, I blamed myself for the fact that lil nigga got killed. I thought you were gone blame me for this shit to be completely honest. I really thought you were because I was the one who introduced him to it and had him ride alongside with me.”

  She looked up at me as she wiped away her tears and took a couple steps away from me. She shook her head as if she was disapproving what I was saying. It was nice to see that because she was confirming to me, or well to me, it seemed like she was, that it wasn’t my fault.

  “So, what brought you over here, Kaleo? Are you alright?”

  “Yes, yes about that. I wanted to talk to you about his funeral, I wanted to invite you to come if you wanted.”

  Her eyes lit up for a moment before they became flooded with tears again. She looked overwhelmed and surprised that I had asked her if she wanted to come. I mean, it honestly felt like the right thing to do because that was her boo and they were back on good terms. It was her final goodbye and I’m sure that her baby would like to see her daddy one more time. It was probably traumatizing as hell for the poor child.

  “I would love to go, just tell me when… Um, can Destinee come too?”

  I looked at her and smiled. I honestly didn’t care if this was inappropriate or not, but I pulled her into a hug and squeezed her tightly. She reciprocated my hug and wrapped her arms around me too, hugging me just as tight as she started to cry again.

  “Yes! Of course she can come too. Y’all are family and you will always be family. Just because Kairee is dead does not mean you and baby girl are dead to me or any of us. He loved you so much, Chloe, if you only knew. I know shit was rough for y’all, but I was so damn happy when he told me that y’all were trying again and making things work out. I really was rooting for you guys to get it together and be happy because I liked seeing you happy. I love you, girl.”

  She started to bawl her eyes out and make all kinds of noises after she heard my talk. It was like she was relieved about what I was saying or I must have hit a soft spot for her. Baby girl was real life sobbing into my shirt, enough to fill the Sahara desert. Girl brought the new definition to cry me a river with how she was crying. Damn, girls can cry like this? Shit, this felt like she wasn’t a human with all this fluid coming out of her. I mean, I have to be nice, though, she really is hurting. Let me stop.

  She again looked up at me and wiped away her tears, fanning her face to calm herself down before she spoke.

  “T-Thank you, Kaleo, that really means a lot to me. I really appreciate that. Come on, let’s go inside so I can clean myself up and then we can discuss this a little more. You can play with lil Destinee if you want.”

  I nodded and followed her inside the house. I watched as she went up to her room, leaving me in the living room with this precious baby girl. She looked at me and peered her eyes at me before she walked over to me and stood before me. Naturally, I knelt down and became eye level with this little angel. She stared me in my eyes, not saying a word as she placed her hand on my face and smiled such a cute grin.

  “Daddy? Wait, no. You not daddy.”

  She frowned as she dragged her hand across my face and placed them on my lips, squishing them a little bit. I opened my mouth and nibbled on her fingers, making the frown literally go upside down and turn into a smile. She giggled as she took back her hand and placed her tiny arms around my neck, pulling herself close to me for a hug. I couldn’t help but return the favor, wrapping my long arms around her precious and tiny body, holding her close like she was my daughter. I wouldn’t mind having a baby, just not right now. I am not ready to take care of a baby when I can’t even handle myself. I would definitely need to clean myself up and get my act right before I even consider watching a little one.

  Destinee pulled herself off of me and kissed me on my cheek, pulling me away from my thoughts.

  “You look like daddy, a wittle.”

  It took everything in me not to start sobbing like her momma did not too long ago. It hurt me like hell to hear that. Kairee and I really did look similar even though we ain’t come from the same momma.

  “No, sweetie. I’m not your daddy. I’m his brother, though. You can call me uncle Kaleo.”

  She tilted her head and looked confused.

  “Kalaaay. Kaaa. Kaaa.”

  I noticed she was struggling so I cut baby girl the trouble of trying to say my name.

  “Uncle K!”

  She smiled widely as she imitated my tone and said the right name.

  “Uncle… Uncle K!”

  “Yes, that is right!”

  Her face lit up and she jumped up and down, chanting my new name, excited like just got a new toy or something. I loved it. She was just so damn cute.

  Destinee stopped jumping up and down and went to hug
me tightly before she bombarded my face with kisses. While we were laughing and becoming acquainted, Chloe came back and laughed along with us.

  “I see y’all are getting along well?”

  Destinee nodded and placed her hand in mine, pointing to the kitchen.

  “I guess this means she wants a snack?” I said as I stood up and watched as Destinee tugged me in the direction of the kitchen.

  Chloe just shook her head and laughed.

  “Yeah, she really likes you to be all over you like that. She never does people like that. It is really nice to see. Come on, let’s go into the kitchen, I’ll grab you a snack too.”

  Destinee just tugged me all the way into the kitchen before she made her way into one of the chairs on the table. She sat pretty and eyed her mother, waiting for her to take her cue and grab her something to snack on. It was cute watching them interact. Chloe stared at Destinee and waited for her to say a few words before she even walked over to the pantry.

  “Oh! I’m sorry momma! Can I have snack, pweaaaase!”

  Ugh, it just killed me to hear her talk like that, it was the cutest thing ever. I looked over at Chloe, who had the most sincere smile on her face. She simply nodded before she went into the pantry and grabbed her a packet of goldfish. She then headed into the fridge and grabbed a little apple juice box before she headed towards the table to place it before her little hands.

  “Thank you mommmaa!” She screamed as she grabbed Chloe’s hand and kissed it a couple of times before she opened up her goldfish and went to town, shoving the little fish crackers into her mouth.

  I leaned on the island in the kitchen and watched Chloe do the same, leaning on the opposite side of me. She sighed heavily before she spoke.

  “When is the funeral going to take place?”

  “In a couple of days, I’ll send you the information in a text and an email so you don’t have to write it down right now. Seems like such a task so, I ain’t gone make you go through that. I can see you already have your hands full.”

  We both looked at the little cracker monster who was viciously sucking the juice out of her little juice box. She was making all sorts of noises with that box, slurping and sucking like the thing was a bottomless pit. Poor baby. Chloe and I then looked back at each other and laughed at what we had just witnessed. Man, she was just so precious.

  “I really appreciate what you have done and are doing, Kaleo. I really feel loved and appreciated by you and I want us to always keep in contact. Lil Destinee gone need some father figure around. I’m not going to ask you for much so please don’t get me wrong, I just want you to be around her when you can. I think it will be good for the both of you.”

  I took my eyes off Chloe and glued them back on Destinee. She was right, it would be good for the both of us because just as much as this little girl needed a father figure in her life, I needed a dose of Kairee’s mini to make me sane. She reminded me so much of him and she looked a lot like him too. It was like he lived through her and that made me so happy. Being around her made me happy. It was the least I could do for this girl, I could already foresee a troubling future growing up without a daddy. I’m going to be there for her. I know Kairee wouldn’t want his little princess growing up into no hoodrat who goes around sleeping around for some sense of validation. I’m gone be here for her so she can have a “daddy” to cry too whenever life gets tough. Yeah, I’m definitely gone stay around for her.

  Chapter 9

  Kaleo

  I can feel the tension of everyone and everything. It is such a somber moment, such a sad day, such a day that I had been anticipating for as long as I can remember. Heh, I made it seem like I had been planning this moment for such a long time, but I had to remind myself that Kairee had only been gone for so long now. It was just weird getting ready for my brother’s funeral. This wasn’t supposed to happen now, or ever. I wasn’t supposed to be the one to bury him, Destinee was, when she was good and grown.

  I hopped out of bed and was greeted by the scent of freshly cooked pancakes, eggs, bacon, and coffee. Smelled like momma was making a nice spread for us to eat before we went over to bury Kairee. Guess she was just trying to make it all better for us? Eh. I walked into the bathroom and quickly rinsed off before I hopped into my suit and headed down the stairs to see everyone else. They were all dressed and ready to go as well. It was pretty early, though, we had time to eat and socialize for a moment before we actually had to go to the church to have the service.

  I sat at the table and helped myself to a cup of coffee and a plate of food. I watched everyone else smile and get food for themselves too, eating when they all found their seats. I couldn’t touch my food. I got it just to get it, but it was hard for me to make myself eat. I wasn’t hungry, I had no appetite like at all, even this coffee was making me feel like shit and it made me want to throw it all up. Everyone else seemed to be taking their food well, maybe they weren’t as anxious as I was? Maybe I was overreacting? Maybe they just had a better way of hiding how they felt or how they coped with the loss. Whatever Kool-Aid they were drinking, I definitely needed to find myself drowning myself in ‘cause I was having a hard time keeping it together.

  Momma noticed me not touching my plate. The second she stepped towards me, I picked up my fork and stabbed at my eggs just to make it look like I was gone eat something. I would have went the extra mile to put the food in my mouth, but I knew that wasn’t going to be a good idea. I would have vomited right there in front of everyone.

  “Baby, don’t make yourself eat if you can’t. I understand how you are feeling right now. Don’t worry. This will be the only time I won’t yell at you for not eating your food.” She said with a wink.

  I smiled and shook my head as she took my plate away. I just watched everyone else talk and eat while I sat there in a daze. I wasn’t ready for today, at all. I had to be, though, I need to at least keep it together for the most part of today just so I could show everyone how strong I really am. I know they are all depending on me to at least show some type of strength for the family. When this is all over, then I’ll have my time to let out my final tears.

  “Alright everyone!” My mother’s small and fragile voice spoke. “It is time for us to go ahead and head down to the church. Go on and get in your cars and meet up there. There should be other guests there waiting in the pews already. Go on now!”

  Her voice pulled me from my daze and caused a sense of urgency in me. I quickly sprang up from my seat and frantically looked for my keys.

  “Looking for these?”

  Chloe smiled as little Destinee waved around the keys to my Masi. Looking at Destinee calmed me down and put me a little more at ease just seeing her smile and hearing her giggle. I tickled little Destinee and grabbed my keys from her little hands.

  “Hey, y’all can ride with me if you want. Just take out her car seat and put it in my car.”

  “Are you sure?” Chloe said with a concerned look on her face. I don’t know if her momma instincts were kicking in and she worried that I was gone speed around and put us in danger or if she just was worried about having a little toddler in the backseat of an expensive ass car.

  “What are you concerned about?” I asked as I made my way towards the door.

  “I trust you, so that isn’t the issue. I just. Well, yo car ain’t no mom van or shit. She just a baby and your car is expensive as shit. I would feel terrible if she messed up your car.” She looked over and Destinee and then at the floor, hanging her head in shame or some shit.

  I just smiled and chuckled, “Don’t worry about that at all. I for real thought you was gone say that you didn’t trust my driving skills and was gone be hella sketchy about gettin' in the car with a nigga.”

  Chloe smiled and laughed. Seeing her momma giggling made little Destinee giggle too.

  We all piled in my car after Chloe put the car seat in the back of the Masi and then we were off. We were quiet for the most part when we driving to the church, it wasn’t awk
ward or anything, it just seemed like we were all in deep thought. I know for a fact that I was for sure in real deep thought, trying to gather myself and prepare for the next few hours.

  When we arrived at the church, we all hopped out the Masi and proceeded into the church. Almost all the pews were filled, which nearly brought me to tears. All these people who loved and cared for Kairee enough to come see him. I knew most of the people, they were all cousins and extended family. A few of them I didn’t know, I was only left to assume they were his friends he made while he lived out here with momma. Regardless, it was nice seeing all these pews filled with love and people who cared about him.