Dark Heart Forever

by Lee Monroe

  I should really lighten up, I suppose.

  Evan turned intuitively as I came up behind him.

  ‘Hello stranger.’ He slipped one arm around my waist and his lips brushed my cheek. ‘What can I get you?’

  ‘A Coke, please.’ I climbed up on to the stool next to him, running my eyes over his black jeans. He took off his denim jacket and draped it on the back of the stool, and it was hard not to notice his muscular, tanned arms as he waved at Eileen.

  ‘A Coke for the lady,’ he said, as Eileen came over to us. ‘And another iced tea, please.’

  ‘Coming up.’ Eileen beamed at him and started getting our drinks. ‘What are you two up to today?’

  Evan looked at me. ‘Want to come for a ride?’

  I nodded. ‘But somewhere safe. I told you how uncoordinated I am.’

  ‘Rubbish. I’ll bet you’re a natural,’ he said, smiling.

  Eileen placed our drinks on the counter and I took a swig of Coke straight from the bottle.

  ‘I missed you. I thought, after I saw you …’

  ‘I know.’ I looked down at my Coke. ‘I just needed some time to think.’

  ‘I understand.’ But I heard a slight edge to his voice, a little defensive. For some reason I felt the need to explain myself, but what I could say?

  ‘Sometimes I just need to be by myself.’ I looked at Evan now. ‘You must know that feeling.’

  ‘Sure.’ He picked up his tea and drank some more, but he seemed a little tense still.

  ‘Evan?’ I said quietly. ‘It’s just the way I am.’

  ‘And it’s exactly what I like about you.’ He smiled properly at me then, and I felt myself relax.

  ‘So,’ I said, ‘where shall we go?’

  Evan was patient with me as I attempted to drive his car along a deserted training field. We were miles from home in a place he had researched beforehand. After ten minutes I gave up as the car was bumping and stalling under my control.

  ‘Rain check?’ I asked him, unbuckling my seatbelt.

  Evan shook his head, but we swapped seats and I relaxed now that I was safely in the passenger seat. Evan drove round in a circle and then stopped the car.

  ‘The army used to use this place,’ he said. To the left of us a row of Nissen huts stood abandoned and eerie. I glimpsed machinery of some kind, rusting away inside.

  ‘It’s a bit creepy,’ I said. ‘How did you find it?’

  ‘Dad told me about it.’ Evan wound down the window and the freezing air nipped at my cheeks. ‘He was in the services … way back. It was the reason he moved here in fact.’

  ‘Did you live here, then?’ I asked. ‘I mean in Bale … Did you come with your dad?’

  Evan shook his head. ‘No … they’d broken up by then. My parents. He came here alone. Said they trained in this place. Like a kind of crude barracks or something.’

  From out of the silence came a piercing bark – more of a howl, really. I pressed my face against my window and for a second or two I thought Luca would come bounding out to me. I swallowed. The sound stopped abruptly.

  ‘Was that a wolf?’ I turned to Evan.

  His face darkened. ‘A what?’

  ‘A wolf.’ I gestured outside. ‘Didn’t you hear it?’

  Evan shrugged. ‘Didn’t hear a thing.’ A slow smile crept on to his face. ‘Are you scared, Jane?’

  I stared at him. He was still smiling, but there was a sharpness to his eyes. It was difficult to see in the low light though. Maybe I was imagining it?

  ‘Of course not.’ I fronted up. ‘I’m not that easily scared.’

  ‘Good. I wouldn’t want that.’

  I nodded, but I wasn’t looking at him, I was looking at his reflection in my passenger window. Of him, staring at the back of my neck. I felt a prickle of discomfort.

  I flipped back to see his face, friendly, with the little creases around his blue eyes.

  I relaxed again.

  Evan rubbed my leg and it sent tingles through me. This time I enjoyed them. Looking down at his strong brown hand, I didn’t want him to take it away. I shifted and met his eyes.

  ‘You OK?’ he said softly. Then he leaned across and put one hand on my thigh, pulling me in towards him. I looked at his soft, partly-opened mouth and I put my hands on either side of his face. We kissed and I felt my whole body responding to him. As his hands moved up to my waist, I felt his fingers touching the skin there, and I realised I would let him do whatever he wanted.

  If I wasn’t careful.

  I pulled away, breathing hard. ‘Not yet,’ I said. ‘Not in this place.’

  Evan looked hungrily at me and gave me one final hard kiss before sitting back and putting his hand on the ignition key.

  ‘Bad girl,’ he said, but I saw his smile.

  ‘Is the lesson over for today?’ I asked coyly, wrapping my arms around my body. ‘Because I’d like to get out of here … If that’s OK.’

  Evan started the engine and we drove smoothly out of the field. As we came up to the exit, a line of crows sitting astride the fence cawed anxiously at the car. As Evan pulled out on to the road one of them suddenly took flight, shrieking menacingly close to his window.

  Evan didn’t flinch, though the bird was quite terrifying. Up close, its beady eyes trained themselves on him.

  ‘Shut the window,’ I said, alarmed, ‘it’s going to peck your eyes out!’

  ‘It won’t hurt me.’ Evan’s tone was assured, and though I should have found that comforting, I felt almost suffocated by the noise.

  ‘Evan, please!’ I reached across him and pressed the button to close the window.

  When I sat back in my seat, he glanced at me, amused.

  ‘You need to toughen up,’ he said laughing. ‘There are more dangerous things than crows out there in the big bad world.’

  Though he squeezed my hand reassuringly, I felt a shiver travel up my spine.

  ‘I’ve been thinking,’ said Evan, as we drove back on the road to Bale. ‘I might stay around a little longer.’

  ‘Really? You mean, for the summer?’

  ‘Maybe.’ He flicked on the indicator to turn right. ‘Would that suit her ladyship?’

  I fake-shrugged. ‘Doesn’t matter to me.’

  ‘You’re harsh.’ He laughed. ‘I know you don’t mean that.’

  ‘I suppose it would be fun.’ I rubbed at the steamed-up window. ‘We’ve only just got to know each other. It would be a shame if you left.’

  ‘I’ll take that as your boundless enthusiasm. I kind of like how understated you are.’

  ‘You mean rude?’ I said, dryly.

  ‘No. Not rude. It’s kind of sexy in fact. Back home, the girls are just so “up” all the time. Fake. You know what I mean?’

  I nodded. ‘No danger of that with me.’

  Evan smiled, then screwed up his eyes a little, as though he was thinking about something, then started to slow down.

  ‘Can I run something by you?’ he asked then, turning to look at me. ‘And if you hate the idea, then that’s fine.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Will you consider meeting Sarah?’ he said.

  I dropped my eyes away from his. ‘I told you I would—’

  ‘I mean today? She wants to.’

  ‘Right.’ I looked down at my hands, feeling cornered. ‘Does it have to be today?’

  ‘No.’ He pulled up outside Fabio’s again. ‘But she’s waiting for you, in there.’ He gestured at the café.

  ‘Oh my God.’ I swallowed. ‘I’m not ready.’

  ‘It’ll be fine,’ said Evan. He took a hand off the wheel and grasped one of mine. ‘And you can leave any time you like.’

  I breathed out deeply. ‘OK. But it’s not going to work.’

  ‘Just give her a chance.’ Evan leaned across and kissed me on the cheek.

  For a moment I stood by the door, my eyes wandering round the room until they settled on the back of her blonde head. Thick, straight, glossy hair, pe
rfect as usual. I felt fear creeping inside me. All at once I was there again. Sitting with my back to her in the classroom, hearing her whispering loudly to Mariella, with the odd word emphasised. Ugly cow. What the hell is she wearing? Sarah was coarse, I remembered that.

  I took a deep breath, catching Eileen’s eye. She smiled but her glance flickered over to where Sarah was sitting on a banquette by the window and she frowned. Eileen was one of the few people who knew what had happened. Thanks to Dot’s big mouth of course. But I was grateful for her protective gaze as I walked slowly over to Sarah. As I reached her elbow, she turned carefully and her eyes swept over me. I held on to my nerve.

  ‘Hi,’ I said, awkwardly.

  ‘Jane.’ Her husky voice was softer than I remembered. Less arrogant. ‘I’m glad you came.’

  I said nothing, but moved to sit on the banquette opposite her. I shrugged off my coat, keeping my eyes down a little.

  Sarah was drinking a latte in a tall glass, she pulled it towards her and took a sip.

  ‘How’s home school?’ she asked, but without her regular sarcasm. ‘Beats Mrs Parkinson’s Maths period I bet.’

  I gave a small smile. ‘It’s different, yeah.’ I fiddled with the fake flower placed in a small spot in the centre of the table.

  ‘Jane, I’m really sorry,’ Sarah said hesitantly. ‘About everything I did.’ She flopped back in her seat a bit. ‘I was a monster.’

  I frowned slightly. I never thought I’d hear Sarah apply that term to herself. It seemed so odd coming out of her perfect little rosebud mouth. She had come out with far worse, of course.

  ‘Yeah. Well …’ I didn’t know how to respond. But maybe a part of me didn’t want to make it too easy for her. After how she’d made me feel for so long.

  ‘I thought about it a lot,’ she went on. ‘After you left, well, I began to notice how everyone at school saw me. They kept away from me. Like I was contaminated.’ She turned her face up in a perfect expression of remorse. ‘Everyone hated me.’

  Those big, baby-blue eyes looked so hurt. I felt something like bile coming up from my stomach.

  No, they hated me. You made them hate me.

  Freak.

  But Sarah was oblivious to my internal narrative.

  ‘I told myself that I’d make it up to you. But I knew you’d never want to see me. When Evan told me he was seeing you …’ She shook her head. ‘I felt like it was a sign.’

  ‘A sign?’

  ‘Yeah. That it was time to talk.’

  I chewed at the inside of my mouth. Time for her to talk.

  ‘Let’s just forget it,’ I said, lightly. ‘I accept your apology.’

  ‘Seriously?’ Sarah’s eyes widened, innocent and grateful. ‘Just like that?’

  I shrugged, anxious to leave. I wasn’t going to hear anything I believed. No point in sticking around. ‘Sure. It’s all in the past.’

  ‘Jane, you’re …’ Sarah slid one bangled wrist noisily over the table, reaching for my hand, but I didn’t move. ‘You’re so nice. I would hold a grudge forever if you’d done to me what I did.’ She sighed, drawing back her hand.

  ‘Don’t worry about it.’ I started putting my coat back on. ‘Life’s too short.’

  Her expression grew misty and confused for a second before the familiar toothy smile kicked in.

  ‘You’re so right,’ she breathed, picking up her bag and glancing out of the window. ‘Is Evan outside? Can you guys give me a lift back home?’

  ‘’Course.’ As she turned to pick up her sweater I rolled my eyes, making sure I wore no expression when she turned back again.

  Eileen winked at me as we walked out, Sarah in front. I gave a wry smile in return.

  ‘Hi!’ Sarah waved excitably at Evan who was still outside in the car. She rushed to the front passenger seat.

  ‘You know what, I’m going to walk,’ I said, bending down to talk to Evan through the window. ‘I could do with some exercise.’

  Settling herself into the front seat, Sarah craned up out of the window, a catlike smile on her face. ‘So great to talk. I hope we can be friends.’

  I nodded in the absence of a civilised response. Sarah and I may no longer be enemies, but we would never be friends.

  ‘I’ll catch up with you tomorrow,’ Evan said in a honeyed voice. ‘Thanks, Jane.’ He gestured subtly at the side of his stepsister’s head. She was already bent, riffling through something in her bag.

  ‘Of course.’

  I stepped away from the corner and stood for a bit watching as they drove away. I saw Sarah lean in to Evan closely as he drove, as though whispering in his ear, and his head moved towards hers, forming one dark shape. My stomach clenched at their closeness.

  A girl he hardly knows.

  Of course, Evan’s like that, I told myself, turning away. He’s friendly and warm. It’s just his way.

  But I was cold as I walked home. A kind of chilly confusion had caught hold of me.

  I’d done the right thing. So why did it still feel wrong?

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  ‘You’re not concentrating.’ My mother’s eyebrows knitted together as we both sat in front of the computer screen. She shut down the window illustrating the lineage of the Tudors and studied me. ‘Perhaps a boyfriend isn’t such a good idea after all.’

  ‘I’m just tired,’ I said, grumpily. I hadn’t slept properly for days. I hadn’t dreamed of anything either.

  ‘Well, you’re not sleepwalking at least.’ She sighed and put the lid back on her pen. ‘That phase is over, thank goodness.’

  I grunted, thinking how I missed it, in a way. I missed Luca.

  ‘What is it?’ Mum leaned closer, her hand creeping over to mine. ‘I thought it went well with Sarah.’

  ‘Yeah it went OK.’ I wrinkled my nose. ‘It was kind of nothing in the end … After all that.’

  ‘And now you feel flat?’ She held on to my hand. ‘Now that weight has come off.’

  ‘Maybe. I suppose it was a bit of an anticlimax.’

  ‘What did you want? A cat fight?’

  ‘No …’ I looked restlessly around the kitchen. ‘But it was too easy.’

  ‘Well, that’s good.’ Mum let go of my hand and started gathering up pens and books. ‘Drama is not good. Believe me.’

  She set her lips and I wondered what drama she had let go of.

  ‘Mum, have you still got that blue dress?’

  ‘Blue dress?’ She stopped what she was doing. ‘I don’t think I …’

  ‘The one you’re wearing in the picture. On my chest of drawers … It’s satin or something like that.’

  Mum thought for a second then her face softened. ‘Oh. That dress.’ She relaxed in her seat. ‘I haven’t thought about that for years. Your grandmother made me that dress.’

  ‘Grandma Ellen?’ I sat up.

  ‘She made it when she was recovering …’ Mum said wistfully. ‘You remember she had breast cancer when she was in her fifties.’

  I nodded. Grandma Ellen had made a full recovery before I was born. Still alive and very much kicking, albeit hundreds of miles away.

  ‘I wish she’d make a dress like that for me,’ I said, staring into space.

  ‘And so the day has come!’ Mum clapped her hands together. ‘My little boy finally wants to be a girl.’

  ‘Mum!’ A flush was creeping up my cheeks. ‘It’s just a beautiful dress, that’s all.’

  ‘It’s yours,’ she said, happily. ‘If I can find it … and if it fits you.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Let’s go and look for it now.’ Mum got up, shooing away the dog, who looked curiously at the two of us. ‘It’s somewhere up there. It must be.’

  An hour later, I stood in my parents’ bedroom holding the blue satin dress. We’d found it in the attic in a huge suitcase, along with the rest of Mum’s discarded clothing from decades ago.

  ‘Can I have this, too?’ I’d said, clutching a striped sailor top, perfectly faded wi
th a wide boat neck.

  ‘Of course,’ she said, smiling. ‘I never took that off when I was a teenager. Your grandma used to beg me to wear a dress …’ She stopped and we stared at each other and started to laugh.

  ‘I know,’ Mum said, shaking her head sheepishly. ‘I was just like you once.’

  ‘Here,’ she said now as I stood half naked in her bedroom. She took the dress from me, holding it so that I could step into it. ‘Pull it up gently.’

  I did as I was told, slipping my arms through the delicate sleeves. Mum moved behind me to zip it up. I was holding in my stomach, certain that something so exquisite and tiny would be too small, but as Mum stepped away from me I realised it fitted perfectly. I looked down to see the blue satin shimmering like two-tone, hugging my waist and hips comfortably. Now that I had actual breasts the top filled out, leaving just enough room to make it sophisticated. The neckline ran straight from one shoulder to the other, dipping a little lower in the centre.

  Mum fiddled with something at the back, then put her hands on my shoulders, pushing me towards the mirror.

  ‘Look,’ she ordered, and I raised my head to examine my reflection, opening my mouth slightly at what I saw.

  ‘God,’ I said breathily, ‘I don’t look like me.’

  With nothing covering up my neck and shoulders my hair draped in big dark curls on to my bare flesh, which was pale, but I had to admit, flawless. And for the first time I acknowledged my shape properly. It was a woman’s shape, not straight up and down, not skinny, but not fat either.

  ‘You’re perfectly in proportion,’ she said, adjusting the neckline a little. ‘My beautiful girl.’

  ‘I wouldn’t go that far,’ I said awkwardly, though it was hard not to gaze admiringly at the vision in the mirror. ‘But I could scrub up well, I suppose.’