“I don’t know what to say to her,” Hawk admitted as she came up beside Alex.
Alex nodded. Her eyes were focused on Cassidy as Cassidy approached Claire. “Do you love her?” Alex asked.
“I just met her.”
Alex chuckled. “Does that matter?”
“Maybe,” Hawk replied. “How can you love someone that fast?”
“Hawk, do you think you could? Love her, I mean?”
“It’s Claire Brackett,” Hawk said with a sigh. “Maybe, I can’t explain it.”
“You don’t have to explain it to me. Be her friend right now, Hawk. Maybe that is what she needs, at least for now,” Alex said.
Cassidy sat down beside Claire. “Hey.”
Claire looked at Cassidy. Cassidy’s heart ached at the pleading expression in Claire’s eyes. “I’m sorry,” Claire said.
Cassidy nodded. “Claire, you very likely saved all of us today.”
“And, you might never have been in that position if I hadn’t been involved with…”
Cassidy glanced over at Alex. Alex understood the silent request. She started toward Cassidy, then stopped short to answer her phone.
“You can’t change the past,” Cassidy observed to Claire. “Sometimes you just have to do the best you can to make a difference today.—to become a little bit better right now.”
“I don’t even know who I am,” Claire said. “How do I do better?”
“Seems to me you started that today,” Cassidy told her. Cassidy put her hand on Claire’s knee. “You have people to help you along the way.”
“Do I?” Claire asked helplessly.
“Yes, you do,” Cassidy promised. “But, really that is all up to you to decide.”
Alex walked over to Cassidy. Cassidy looked up at her and felt her heart drop dramatically. She had seen that expression of turmoil before on Alex’s face. “It’s Brian,” Alex said. Cassidy looked at her fearfully. “Pip called. He and Brady….They were at Rand. There was an explosion in one of the labs. He…”
Cassidy closed her eyes against a crushing pain in her chest. “Oh, God…Kate.”
Alex hung her head, pinched the bridge of her nose, and sighed.
Claire looked at Alex. “He’d tell you that it was his choice,” she said, knowing that Alex was blaming herself. Alex looked at Claire, her gaze open and confused. “Fallon,” Claire said. “He wanted in,” she told Alex. “He was a good agent. It’s not your fault, Alex.”
“Doesn’t feel that way.”
“I know it doesn’t. It isn’t. He’d be the first person to tell you that,” Claire said.
“She’s right,” Hawk said. “I didn’t know him well. But, Claire is right.”
“That doesn’t help Kate and the kids,” Alex said.
“Then, I guess we will have to,” Cassidy told Alex. Alex nodded. Cassidy looked back at Claire and smiled. “Thank you,” she whispered. She stood and took Alex’s hand, leading her from the room.
Cassidy closed the door to the bedroom and kissed Alex soundly. She reached up and brushed away Alex’s tears. “I’m sorry, love.”
“Me too,” Alex said as her tears continued to fall.
“I love you, Alex,” Cassidy promised. “I know this will sound horrible.”
“What?”
“I loved Brian.”
“I know you did,” Alex said.
“But, right now I am so grateful that it wasn’t you. That it wasn’t my father, or God…”
Alex took Cassidy’s face in her hands. “Not horrible, just honest.”
“I don’t want to lose you.”
Alex nodded and kissed Cassidy. There was nothing to say now. She led Cassidy to the bed and pulled Cassidy into her arms. Alex closed her eyes. She listened to the voices in the other room. Somehow, they had managed to shelter most of their family from the day’s madness. She wondered how they would continue to do that. Someone was delivering Kate Fallon the news every law enforcement spouse feared the most. Three more children left to mourn a parent. Alex was tired. There were still so many things to sort out. She guessed that Cassidy’s father would stay at the cabin—at least for a while. She found herself wondering what Claire would do now. It was obvious something was developing between Claire and Charlie Hawkins. Alex hoped that it might be something to tame them both a bit. Alex heard Dylan’s laughter lifting through the cabin and smiled. Cassidy often told Dylan when he fell short on the soccer field or a test at school, that all he could do was try and do a little better tomorrow. Maybe that’s all there was to do.
“I love you, Cassidy.”
“I love you.”
***
“What is it?” Jane asked through the phone line.
“They’ve hit in London,” the man answered.
Jane sighed. “What was the target?”
“Passenger plane.”
“Are you certain it was Ivanov?” she asked.
Ian Mitchell took a deep breath. “It was The Admiral’s call as near as I can tell. I’m sorry I could not get the exact target in time.”
“Not your fault, Ian,” Jane said.
“Jane? I did get the second target. Just not the date.”
“Go on.”
“FBI Los Angeles. Sometime soon. And, Jane? The word Cesium was used.”
***
March 9th
Cassidy went in search of Alex. It had been an emotional day. Alex had maintained her composure until Brian Fallon’s eldest son James had approached her and asked if she would help him become an FBI agent like his dad. Cassidy watched as Alex’s face fell. Alex had nodded and told him that when he was older if that was still what he wanted, she would help him as much as she could. Cassidy could tell the conversation had upset Alex. Loss was never easy and they had both suffered a great deal of loss over the last few years.
Cassidy walked into the rec room in the basement of the Merrow townhouse just as Alex was finishing a call.
“No,” Alex said. “Call Jonathan. I know. I’ve made my decision. I know you do. Thanks, Jane. Me too. Yeah…I’ll tell her.”
“How is my best friend?” Cassidy asked. “I feel like she’s avoiding me these days.”
“No, she’s just dealing with some things,” Alex explained. “She just told me to tell you that she wants to come up with Stephanie next weekend. If you are up for a visit.”
“Mm. I am, but right now I am worried about you.”
“I’m okay.”
“Nice try, Alfred. Even my tacos didn’t cheer you up.”
Alex chuckled. “I love your tacos.”
Cassidy raised an eyebrow at Alex. “Up for a game?” she nodded to the pool table.
Alex smirked. “Why? Need a lesson?”
“Who says I’m the one who needs the lesson?” Cassidy challenged her wife.
“Ha-ha. You can teach me how to get on a ski lift. I still get to be the billiards instructor.”
“Are you questioning my form?” Cassidy flirted.
Alex closed the distance between them. “Never.”
Cassidy closed her eyes as Alex’s lips descended on hers. “On second thought,” Cassidy said. “Let’s go upstairs.”
“Tired?”
“No,” Cassidy said as she pulled away and started out of the room. “Coming?”
“Right behind you.”
Cassidy led Alex into the master bedroom. She closed the door, faced Alex and slowly pulled her sweater over her head. Alex’s breath caught and she licked her lips. “Jesus, you are beautiful, Cass.”
“You’re in love,” Cassidy replied as she stepped closer.
Alex’s hand fell down Cassidy’s shoulders, over her arms, and then traveled upward across Cassidy’s breasts to her throat. Cassidy closed her eyes. She took a deep breath and captured Alex’s hand. Slowly, she opened her eyes again.
“What?” Alex asked, not certain what she saw flickering in Cassidy’s gaze.
“Nothing,” Cassidy said. “And everything.”
Alex smiled. Cassidy’s lips found Alex’s neck and sucked gently on her pulse point. Her hands moved to address the buttons on Alex’s blouse. Cassidy’s fingertips brushed across the swell of Alex’s breasts and she sighed. She freed Alex of her shirt and bra. Alex followed her lead and removed Cassidy’s bra swiftly.
Cassidy’s touch meandered over Alex’s flesh until it reached the button of her pants. Slowly, Cassidy trailed kisses over Alex’s chest and stomach until she was kneeling before Alex. She lowered Alex’s pants and kissed her way up Alex’s legs, over her stomach until she was standing again, facing Alex.
Alex leaned in and claimed Cassidy’s lips in an ardent kiss. Her hands addressed Cassidy’s skirt and Cassidy stepped out of it. Cassidy pushed Alex back toward the bed and Alex smiled. Alex loved this part of Cassidy, the piece of her wife that could be aggressive and tender at the same time. She let Cassidy guide her backward onto the bed. She looked up at Cassidy as Cassidy moved to kiss her again.
“You,” Cassidy said placing another kiss on Alex’s lips. “Are my world, Alex.”
Alex reached out and caressed Cassidy’s face. “I do not deserve you,” she said honestly.
“Yes, you do. We both deserve this, every moment of it, and I don’t want to waste one,” Cassidy told Alex. She kissed Alex deeply, her tongue brushing over Alex’s softly, possessive in one moment and relenting the next. Cassidy’s kiss fell lower, her breath caressing Alex’s skin as she moved. She kissed each of Alex’s breasts and forced herself upright to straddle Alex’s hips, bringing their bodies together intimately.
Alex’s head fell back momentarily. Cassidy grinned, seeing desire and arousal flush Alex’s cheeks. Alex steadied her breathing and looked at Cassidy as Cassidy moved against her. Her hands found Cassidy’s breasts and she watched in rapt fascination as Cassidy’s eyes closed and Cassidy bit her lip in response. Cassidy’s movements were sensual and unhurried. “Cass…”
“Alex, just feel me,” Cassidy said. She opened her eyes and looked into Alex’s as their dance continued. Cassidy desperately wanted to climb the cliff of desire with Alex and hold onto her as they fell together. She needed to feel alive, to know that Alex was alive and real. Death often served as a reminder to live. That is what Cassidy craved at the moment—to feel painfully alive. She gazed down at Alex, wishing that there were words to convey the swell of emotion rising within her. Desire existed between them often, but what made these moments intoxicating was the love that passed between them.
Alex’s eyes had gone dark with need, and Cassidy could feel the urgency in them both rising. She took Alex’s hands and held them to steady her as she increased the pace of her movements. Cassidy needed to be close to Alex, to feel a part of her. She dropped a hand to Alex’s chest, feeling the rapid beat of Alex’s heart. Tears welled in her eyes. Alex was here. She was alive. They were together. Amid, the sensual and emotional haze of the moment, Cassidy found herself thanking God that it had not been Alex that was taken. Cassidy wanted Alex to understand how much she needed Alex, desired her, and loved her in every moment. At times, making love to Alex was the only way Cassidy felt she could adequately communicate that, and still Cassidy knew she would never be able to get close enough to the woman looking up at her.
“Cass,” Alex traced Cassidy’s cheek with her fingertips.
The reverence in Alex’s voice as she spoke Cassidy’s name was Cassidy’s undoing. She felt herself start to fall with Alex without warning. Her hands fell on either side of Alex as Alex’s hands dropped to Cassidy’s hips, keeping her close as they both crested and fell again.
“Alex!”
Alex took Cassidy over the edge again until Cassidy fell into her arms, quivering lightly and repeating, “I love you,” softly over and over.
“My God,” Cassidy breathed. She pulled herself up to look at Alex. Alex brushed the hair out of Cassidy’s eyes. “Do you remember the first time we made love here?” Cassidy asked Alex.
“Of course,” Alex said. “It was the first time,” she smiled.
“Mm…I didn’t think that being with you could get better, that I could feel more, but I do. I swear every time I look at you, every time you touch me—I fall in love with you all over again.”
Alex kissed Cassidy on the forehead. “Who’s in love?” Alex teased her wife.
Cassidy chuckled. “I do love you,” she said. She laid her head on Alex’s chest and sighed in contentment.
Alex stroked Cassidy’s back lovingly and took a deep breath. “I need to tell you something.”
Cassidy felt a twinge of nervousness settle in the pit of her stomach. “Go ahead.”
“I talked to Jonathan. I’ve asked him to take over my role at Carecom.”
Cassidy pulled herself up and looked at Alex again in the faint light. “Alex?”
Alex sighed. “It’s time.”
“Alex…”
“I can’t, Cass. Watching Kate and the kids today—it made me think of you and your mom. It made me think about Dylan and Mackenzie. I can’t bear that. You standing there receiving that flag. I can’t….”
“Alex, you know that there are never any guarantees about things like that.”
“I know. I also know I don’t need to make it more likely. Everyone that we know, my father, your father, Claire’s father, Edmond…They all believe they are right. So much so that their children suffer. Dylan has already suffered because of it. They all have a reason for why they do what they do. Where has that gotten any of them? Where has it gotten us? I can’t…I…”
Cassidy let out a heavy sigh and shook her head. “I would be lying if I told you that part of me doesn’t long for that—for you to walk away. It’d be a lie, but Alex, this is part of who you are. You need to try and make a difference.”
“There are a lot of ways that I can make a difference. You taught me that,” Alex replied.
“You give me too much credit. And, my way may not be your way. You need to solve things, to…”
“Maybe,” Alex conceded. “But, Cass, the thing is, you can’t solve a puzzle when you become one of its pieces. You’re in the middle, locked in place. You can’t see the picture clearly. Sometimes, maybe the only answer to the puzzle is to distance yourself so that you can see it more clearly.”
Cassidy stroked Alex’s cheek. She leaned in and kissed Alex’s lips tenderly. “Are you sure this is what you want?”
Alex nodded. “Positive.”
Cassidy settled herself against Alex and let Alex pull her close. “I love you, Alex, no matter what. I need you to know that. No matter what you choose, I love you. That will never change.”
Alex kissed Cassidy’s head. “I do know. None of it matters without you, Cass—none of it. Nothing is more important than you and our kids—nothing. I’ve said that I did it for you, for Dylan, for our family. Maybe it was. But, there are enough potholes in the road already without me placing landmines there. You say that I give you too much credit. I think you have that backward. I don’t ever want to lose you, any of you.”
“Never happen, love.”
“Remember that you said that,” Alex said with a chuckle. “When you get sick of me being around.”
Cassidy kissed Alex’s chest. “Just don’t expect tacos every night.”
Alex laughed. “How about every Tuesday?”
“We’ll negotiate, coach.”
“Vanilla cake for dessert?” Alex asked hopefully.
“Don’t push it, Alfred.”
Alex chuckled and closed her eyes. “Je t’aime, Cass.”
“Et, je vous adore. (And, I adore you).”
Epilogue
One Year Later
July 30th
Cassidy walked into the living room just as Alex was hanging up the phone. The television was silently playing images of a bomb attack in Kenya that had occurred earlier in the day.
“I know. There isn’t much you can do at this point. Just keep the lines open,” Alex said. “I will. You be careful,” Ale
x said as she disconnected the call. She looked at the images crossing the television screen and sighed deeply. With a shake of her head, Alex picked up the remote from the coffee table and clicked off the television.
“Pip?” Cassidy asked from behind Alex. Alex turned abruptly, her expression confirming Cassidy’s suspicion. “Regretting your decision?” Cassidy asked. Alex just smiled. “You know, he would gladly give you back the reigns at Carecom,” Cassidy said frankly.
Alex chuckled. “Tired of me already?” she asked Cassidy.
Cassidy laughed. “Nick is waiting for you outside.”
“Are you sure you will be okay?” Alex asked.
Cassidy looked down at her belly and smiled. She patted it gently. “We’ll be fine,” she assured Alex.
“Cass, Nick can take the boys…”
“Alex,” Cassidy said with a smile. “I am not due for another six weeks. Dylan and Cat have been looking forward to this for months.”
“What about you?”
“I’ve been looking forward to it too,” Cassidy poked. Alex nodded. Cassidy closed the distance between them. She had been teasing Alex relentlessly about Alex’s overprotectiveness. They had both been surprised by the news that they were expecting twins. Cassidy had taken to teasing Alex that this was somehow Alex’s master plan to fill the team bench as quickly as possible. “We are fine, all three of us,” Cassidy told Alex assuredly. “If anyone starts trying to run for the end zone, I will call you—I promise.”
Alex huffed slightly. “You went early last time. You heard the doctor.”
“Alex, stop,” Cassidy said. She laid a gentle hand on Alex’s arm. “I’m not alone.”
“Mmmm…I get it. This is so you and Barb can gossip with my mom about Nicky and me.”
Cassidy shook her head in amusement. “Maybe,” she conceded. “Admit it, you have been looking forward to this weekend almost as much as the kids.”
Alex huffed again. It was true. She hadn’t had much of a chance to spend time with her younger brother in over a year. She was stunned by Cassidy’s Christmas present—a weekend of baseball in Boston. Cassidy had made all of the arrangements, tickets to three games, a hotel suite, and a tour of Fenway Park. Alex understood that the trip was meant not only for the kids, but it was also Cassidy’s way of helping Alex and Nick reconnect. There was no way Cassidy was going to let Alex stay home. Alex suspected that had Cassidy been due the next day, the conversation would have been the same.
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