by Ashley Logan
I shook my head.
"Then how do I make it better? What is it that's wrong?" he pleaded.
Taking another sniff of the moisturizer, I capped it and rubbed at the ache in my chest.
"I need to escape," I whispered.
"I know. You will. I'll make sure of it. As soon as we're in a position-"
I shook my head and reached for his flask.
"Now," I said, unscrewing the cap and drinking what little it contained. I needed three flasks full. Closing it again, I set it back on the floor and retreated into the bed. Curling up under the blankets, I whisper-sang Mama's old lullaby and tried to imagine myself back in my childhood bed; safe and warm after a story with a happy ending. I managed it for all of a few seconds before I was back in a ship's cabin, staring at the darkness under a blanket.
The darkness lifted and his face came in front of mine. I stopped whisper-singing and watched his face twist different ways as he tried to decide which expression to hold. Who would he be when he decided?
Who would I be?
Someone new? Someone who could live without pain? Emotionally dead forever? That might be helpful if everything was to go wrong. What if things went right? Who would I be then? Anyone I wanted? Forever shadowed by an unrequited love that shouldn't have happened in the first place? Who falls in love with a kidnapping killer?
Natascha.
If I don't want to be Natascha, who can I be?
My thoughts whirled out of control as I wondered if I could still somehow be me if I wasn't myself at all. Then again, being me felt a lot like dying right now. My chest was so tight, I couldn't breathe and I began to wonder if I even still had to worry about things like being myself if I was dying. It would be disappointing any way I looked at it. There was much I had wanted to do.
I was going to die like everybody else and I hadn't even had a chance to live.
I'd never sing to a crowd again, never know if I was good enough for more than being traded. I'd never learn all there was to know about muscles to help people recover from injuries. I'd never dance my heart out again to music so loud it would make my bones rattle. Never find a man who would love me so deeply I'd want to share forever with him. Never have children of my own and love them as I would've wanted to be loved.
I whimpered as the pain in my chest intensified. My heart was being squeezed too tight and I wanted to rip it out of my chest just to feel some relief.
Nikolai touched his hand to my forehead and then my wrist.
"You're breathing too fast Natascha. Slow everything down."
Breathing too fast? I couldn't breathe at all. I clawed at my throat, begging for it to open.
"Natascha! Breathe with me," he commanded, grabbing my hands and holding them as he demonstrated.
"I need to escape," I mouthed, the words straining to be heard as I begged for my life. I was sure my heart would explode if I spent another minute in the damned cabin with him.
"I know," he whispered as his eyes searched my face for goodness-knows-what. "I'll help you escape."
Sweeping hair from my face, he kissed my brow and lay facing me. "Just breathe," he said again as his hands patted down his pockets in desperation.
He started singing then. Just quietly, but we were so close that I felt his deep tone vibrating through me. I closed my eyes and clung to the rich timbre - a sound not of the Moskva-Liis. One that I hadn't had to imagine for myself.
It took me away and I could breathe again. I took a huge breath and released it again in relief, only to jump as his fingers brushed my ear, poking something into it.
My eyes shot open and he looked up as I jerked. The music started and he gave me a small smile.
"Escape," he mouthed, plugging the other bud in his own ear and adjusting the volume.
We lay there, listening to song after song as we stared at each other. He seemed to read my body like a book, soothing me with small reassuring touches until I was completely calm before resting his arm protectively over me. Not once did his eyes leave mine.
Somewhere along the way, we became tired. It felt like we were taking turns yawning and I felt ready for sleep, but when a song from the movie Grease came on, it made us both smile. I found it quite comical that a Russian hitman with a seemingly great affection for hard rock would have such a dinky little song in his collection.
"You're the one that I want," he whispered at the end of the song as he closed his eyes. I didn't hear it, but I saw his lips move and felt his words play across my cheek with the gentlest breeze.
Leaning in, I kissed those sweet lips.
His eyes sprang open and I smiled.
"Thank you."
He smiled too.
Leaning in, I softly brushed my lips to his again, curious about how his smile would feel against my own.
Slightly parted, his lips hummed with a welcoming rumble as they received mine and his hand trailed down my spine before he pulled it away.
At his withdrawal, I opened my eyes to find him sucking on his bottom lip. I wanted to suck on that lip, but as I leaned in again, he pulled the earphone from my ear.
"Natascha?"
Frowning, I pulled the earphone from his ear.
"Nikolai?"
Smiling a little, he sighed and bundled the earphones together, setting them out of the way. "I'm glad you're back."
"Yes. Thank you."
I leaned in again and he drew back. "Natascha?"
"Yes?" I asked, as exasperated as every other time he drew me in and then left me wanting.
He gave me a hard look.
"If I'm going to be with you, I want you to be with me. Do you know what I'm saying?"
I studied him a moment.
"You mean no pretending."
He nodded, his warm eyes melting me inside.
"I won't be pretending when I do this," he whispered, leaning in and tasting my lips with a flick of his tongue before drawing my bottom lip between his teeth, tugging gently and releasing it at an agonizingly slow pace. "When I make love to you, I will mean every damn thing. You understand?"
His voice was deep, and husky, and its promise sent an impatient shiver through me.
"Yes Niko," I replied on a breath.
"I love it when you call me Niko," he whispered, sealing my mouth with his and leading my tongue in an intricate dance. Stroking it with his own, he made even that part of me feel loved as his fingers trailed down my front and slid up under my top.
I arched towards his touch as his fingers grazed the lace of my bra, my hopeful nipples begging for exposure. His hand slotted inside one lacy cup and I bit down on a moan as he both palmed my breast and rolled my nipple at the same time.
"Niko?"
"Mm?" he replied as he nuzzled my neck and pressed his lips to my throat.
"Take it off. Take it all off. I want to feel everything."
"You will," he said with a little chuckle as he nudged my top further up with his nose and took my other nipple in his mouth.
He was right. I felt everything.
Warm and wet, his mouth suckled, licked, and nibbled and as he moved on, the trail cooled behind him with a shivering tingle. Every move he made was achingly slow and gentle. Never before had someone taken such care to make me feel so amazingly good.
Showing that his mind reading abilities were in fine working order, he seemed to know exactly what to do to me. I trembled under his care, responding to his every seductive touch and anxiously anticipating the next as he moved from one erogenous zone to the next, lighting up my body in places I didn't even know felt good.
So distracting were his devoted ministrations, that he eased me from my clothes without my realization. It wasn't until his strong hands traveled the length of my body and he stood that I shivered with the chill of his absence and my eyes lost their glaze of blinding desire. I reached for him.
"Niko?"
He stroked my leg, wearing a pained expression. "I'm here, Natascha."
"What is wrong?"
"Nothing."
"You lie," I said, using the words he always used when he caught me out.
He smiled and sat beside me on the bed, running his fingertips in patterns over my skin.
"You are too beautiful," he said softly. "I'm not worthy to even think the things I do, let alone do them." Sighing, he ran his hand through his hair. "I was going to get one of your condoms, but once I stood up, it hit me. You are so young, and benevolent, and I... I'm not good for you at all."
Taking in his torn expression and his powerful body, I traced the curve of my breast, recalling his recent touch. My cheeks began to warm. Lying naked in front of him, I'd never felt more exposed, or more real.
"You feel good for me. My whole body is hungry for you, Niko."
His eyes roamed my flesh and he nodded as he leaned in to kiss me. "You are the most amazing woman I have ever met," he whispered, taking my mouth in a heated kiss as his hard body pressed against me. "I love every single thing about you."
"You love the way I pretend to be a ninja when I exercise?" I asked with a shy smile.
He grinned. "Especially that. You make me smile when I feel like dying. You're my lighthouse and my lifeboat, Natascha. You give me direction when I'm adrift and you keep me afloat when I feel like I'm drowning."
Bare-chested, his warmth filled me once again as the length of him rejoined me on the bed. With his hands back on me, I breathed a sigh of relief. I needed him.
"You make me feel so good, Niko."
I arched into his touch as his hand slid between my legs and we both moaned as his fingers glided through my crease. His hooded eyes honed in on my face as his fingers explored my folds. With a slow, easy pleasure that built faster than I'd thought possible, my legs clenched around his wrist and rode each explosive wave as he stroked it from me.
"So beautiful," he whispered, keeping his touch feather-light as I recovered.
Reaching up, I grabbed his hair and pulled his face to mine in a demanding kiss.
"Again," I insisted, opening to him as I dragged my fingers down his arms. "More."
He smiled against my skin as he kissed his way down my chest.
"I don't need any encouragement to want to see that look on your face again," he said, grazing his stubbled jaw across my stomach.
His tongue flicked my clit and I gasped.
"Or that look," he added as his eyes darkened even further. The heat of his gaze alone was enough to make my breathing hitch, but he didn't stop touching me. His fingers ran down my sides, the touch half tease and half possession. It was a combination that made me inwardly restless as I tried to keep outwardly calm.
Keeping his eyes on mine, he dragged his tongue through my folds in a long, slow lick before sucking my clit into his mouth.
I just about flew off the bed, but he pinned my hips and did it again, leaving me to squirm in his hands as sensation flooded me.
My feet pawed the bed and I grabbed for his hair as he did it again. Every lick and suck saw me so close to coming again that I couldn't stand it each time he stopped. I craved more. I wanted him inside me, something to cling to as he drove me into this dizzying frenzy.
I clamped my feet to his sides and tried to hoist him up that way, but he twisted and let out a warning growl that zinged straight through my clit. I swore and tried to squeeze my thighs shut, but with my feet glued to his sides, I was at his mercy.
Managing to get a grip on his hair, I pulled. Hard. He reacted with a sharp gasp that shot cool air over my sensitive flesh and made my legs cinch tight around him.
Looking up at my face, his eyes were laden with desire and he was breathing hard as if barely in control of himself. He licked his lips and I whimpered as my core reacted to the sight.
With a glint in his eye, he held my gaze and lowered his mouth back to me. That hot look and one roll of his tongue combined with his satisfied rumble was all it took for my head to fall back. A long, undulating moan tore from my throat as he lapped up every quiver and induced another each time his tongue flicked by.
"Stunning," he whispered as his kisses meandered back up my body. His leisurely pace seemed to signify he was in no rush at all to end the need still rabid inside of me and his mumbled words almost seemed to be spoken thoughts of conclusion. "To have you fall apart in my arms... Natascha Rebane... so sweet inside and out."
Relaxing into the bed next to me, he continued to deliver tiny kisses up my neck as he nuzzled in and trailed soothing fingers over my stomach.
I didn't need soothing.
His eyes met mine again as my fingers ran over the hard lines of his muscles and grabbed the waist of his jeans.
"Take them off," I growled, aching for him to fill me now more than ever.
His eyebrows jerked as if he was both surprised and... undecided. The conflict was back in his eyes and I wasn't going to let it win.
I rubbed his rock-hard package through the denim as I undid the top button. "Now."
Gulping, he started to back off.
I slipped my hand inside his jeans and wrapped my fingers around his warm and silky dick. My insides clenched in strong agreement at how good he felt and I held his lusty gaze as I stroked him.
"I want you Niko," I whispered hoarsely as I started moving beneath him with the same rhythm I stroked him. "I want you to feel as good as I do. You are loved too."
His eyes softened and closed as he shuddered and a low moan escaped his lips. Shifting above me, he leaned in to kiss my lips. "I'm crossing the line."
"Is no line. I see you. Come to me Niko."
Twisting open the next few buttons of his fly, I coaxed his erection free and he uttered a few choice words; his resistance faltering.
"I want to. So bad. But if I start, I won't be able to stop," he whispered, squeezing his eyes shut as his forehead pressed to mine. "That's not a good thing, Natascha. I should stop now."
Lifting my feet to peel his jeans down his ass, I opened to him.
"Open your eyes Niko. See me loving you."
His eyes were so uncertain when they came to rest on my face that my heart ached.
"Do not stop," I whispered, more determined than ever to convince him of his goodness as he struggled with his reasons for holding back.
Guiding him to my entrance, I ran my hands up his sides, his shoulders, his neck, and brought his lips to mine as my legs pulled him inside.
He moaned deeply into my mouth as I rose to meet him and as he pulled back to suck in a breath, our eyes met once more.
"You are beautiful too, Niko. This feeling is real. We are real together. Be with me."
The warm brown eyes that had been so torn, eased as my words sank in.
"I don't deserve you," he whispered.
"Yes. You do," I whispered back. "Take me."
His thumb brushed over my lips and he kissed me again as he began to move inside me.
Drawing back, he slid firmly in again, making us both moan. From then on, it was as he said. He could not stop. He took me with him and I was glad to be along for the ride.
Each time we joined fully together was an end to the weeks of longing. Again, he moved with a precision that targeted every need I seemed to have. Gentle at first, he soon met the pace my body was begging of him.
He drove into me and I could feel everything he'd been holding back. The power of his motion spoke of his need and I gave myself to him gratefully as each time he slammed into me cured a need of my own. I rose quickly to another peak as his now rough and urgent love was accompanied by sweet kisses and even sweeter words.
Clinging to him as I cried out, I felt as much as heard his responding growl as he tensed and filled me while I pulsed around him.
Sinking back into the bed, I felt certain my limbs had turned to jelly as I trembled and twitched in response to any tiny move he made.
"You're okay?" he asked, softly kissing each of my closed eyelids.
I nodded, unable to speak.
"I was too rough," he said,
his tone filled with concern and shame as he drew back.
Shaking my head, I reached for him blindly, grabbed his hair and pulled him back to me as I shivered. "So good. Cannot move. You stay."
He shook with silent laughter. "Okay. I was worried there for a second... I may have gotten a little carried away."
"Mmm," I agreed. "Carried away so good. I come hard. Might be broken."
"Hope not," he whispered against my skin as he stroked my neck with the tip of his nose and planted tiny kisses along my throat. "Making you come is my new favorite thing. I'm going to want to do it all the time."
He shifted slightly and I tensed up as my sensitive bundle of nerves felt it like a slap.
"Mm. No more tonight," I said, relaxing into the bed again as he remained frozen above me. I gestured to where we were still slotted together. "Too... what is word? Too feeling."
"Sensitive?"
I nodded. "This. Maybe tomorrow you make me come again. I like new favorite thing too."
Chuckling softly, he lowered his upper body and kissed the tip of my nose before pushing up again. "I should get out now, huh?"
I shook my head and he laughed again.
"I can't stay like this all night," he said, doing another press up to take my lips in a sweet, nudging kiss.
"Is easy for me. I not be minding," I teased, chasing his mouth as he pushed back up.
"Hmm," he agreed as he gazed down at me. "But I want to wrap my arms around you and it's hard to hug you from up here."
I looked up at his broad shoulders and ran my fingers over his arms. "This is true. I am wanting your hugs, Niko."
He gave me a sweet smile. "Ready?"
I nodded and he eased himself backwards and out of me.
"Oh fuck."
"What?" I asked, propping myself with my elbows to see.
Scrubbing his hands down his face, he gestured to his very fine penis.
"No condom."
"Oh." Flopping back against the pillow, I stared at the ceiling. "I forget."
"My fault," he said grumpily. "I wanted to be inside you so bad I wasn't thinking."
"I wanted too," I said quietly, my mind reeling. "Is it bad Niko? You have... diseases?"
"What? No!" he said, coming to lie next to me. Kissing my forehead, he shook his head. "I don't have diseases. I was thinking about pregna-" Cutting himself off, he was quiet a moment. "Do you have diseases?"