Christina’s eyes filled with tears and she glanced down, blinking them away before she spoke. “Thank you.” She took his hand and shook it quickly.
Grace waved as they left the room. “Text me if you need anything.”
Chapter Seventeen
Christina cheated on Grace by watching the Jacob’s Ladder show. She stared at Drake and listened to him flirt with the hostess of the show. What if I’m too late and he falls in love with someone else? Maybe it was all for show, for the cameras. After all his eyes were guarded, but from what she remembered of him, he’d always been that way. He’d only seemed to soften up when talking about Grace.
Grace had texted her twice, making sure she was okay, and as much as she loved her, she wanted Grace to enjoy some time with her dad before he left again. Damien had been kind and charming, and she could see where Grace got her big heart from. Relief filled her knowing that Cain would have a place to call home. It was all she could ask for. Vickie told her the doctor would be in before the end of his shift to tell her what was new, and she was waiting impatiently for him to come. As the show ended, she shut the TV off and stared out the window at the dusky skyline. A knock came at the door and the doctor walked in and flipped on the light.
“How are you feeling?”
“I feel crappy. But I mean what else is new? Itchy, my skin hurts, my eyes are burning.” Christina sighed softly, knowing she sounded whiny.
“Well, we got the results back from your biopsy. We can’t point to it being anything other than Stevens-Johnson syndrome, so we’re going to unfortunately have to stick with that. Can I see your arm?”
Christina swallowed nervously and raised her arm. “I think it’s bigger.”
“It is. It was about the size of a quarter, now it’s at least a half dollar. You have another one coming up on your cheek. Do you mind lying back and letting me check your torso?”
Christina lowered the incline of the bed and helped him raise her gown. “How does it look?”
“Two more small spots coming up.”
“So what’s the next step in this disease thing?” Christina asked.
“The rash will get worse and you’ll get blisters on your face, mouth, and genitals, and your mucus membranes will become inflamed. Eventually, if it gets severe enough, your skin may begin to peel. We will treat you with antibiotics for any infection and corticosteroids. Some people just have bad reactions to medicine, but with your HIV, it makes it worse.” He explained carefully.
“What about my baby?” Christina worried.
“As long as we can keep your skin from getting infected, keep you hydrated, and keep nutrients flowing, you should pull through. It can take a long time, though. It all depends on how bad it gets. With these spots coming up as fast as they are, it might not be too good, so you need to be prepared for potential scarring.”
“As long as my baby is okay I don’t care.” Christina insisted.
“We will do everything we can to make sure that both of you make it through whole and healthy,” the doctor promised.
“If it comes down to me or him, I want you to choose him,” Christina stated firmly.
“That’s a big decision. Are you sure about this?”
“No, it’s not. My kid deserves to have a life. If that means I don’t have one, then so be it. I’ve wasted my nineteen years anyway. He deserves to have a shot at not screwing up his first nineteen like me.” Christina sniffled, wiping her nose with the back of her hand.
“Well, there are a few things we can do. If things start looking grim, we can give you steroid shots to make sure he’s better equipped for the outside world.”
“Do it.”
“We hopefully won’t have to worry about that. Let’s keep hope alive, okay?” The doctor patted her knee and moved to the door. “I’ll be back in the morning to check on your spots. If you notice anything, let the nurse know.”
“I will.”
Christina palmed her phone as he left and she texted Addie.
C: It’s Stevens-Johnson syndrome.
A: OMG! What are they going to do?
C: Watch and wait. Treat as needed.
A: Please let us know if anything changes.
C: Okay.
She turned the TV back on and waited for Grace to return. Stay busy. Don’t think.
She didn’t wake up until three in the morning, when a nurse slipped into her room and checked her temperature. Still one hundred one, and not moving. The nurse quietly checked her torso for more spots and whispered that she’d found two more. Another on her opposite cheek and another on her arm. Grace was curled up in the chair, her back to the bed, snoring softly, and Christina didn’t want to wake her.
“Can you bring me a notebook and a pen please?”
“Sure, give me just a few minutes and I’ll be back.” The nurse smiled kindly and Christina attempted to reciprocate the warm expression but failed.
The nurse brought back a spiral notebook and a pen. “Here you go.”
“Thanks,” she whispered, already flipping open the notebook and opening the pen to write.
Dear Cain,
I want you to know that you saved your mama’s life. You did. You saved me. You saved Grace in a funny way. You saved our relationship. You gave me the will to keep fighting. You helped me find out who I was. I was a scared little girl who found it easier to tell a colorful lie than admit the dark truth. It made my world look special, but it was all smoke and mirrors. Nothing but lies. You brought the truth to my life. I couldn’t hide you. I couldn’t tell a lie and imagine you weren’t there. I had to come clean for the first time in my life. It was scary, but wonderful to be honest. And I’m going to be honest with you now. You don’t come from people who are good. We’re rotten, to the core. I tried my best to be a good person and I hope that I can right some of the wrongs I’ve done. Only time will tell that. I beg of you, don’t seek out my family. They aren’t good people. They will not do anything good for you. Let Grace be your mama. Let her teach you right from wrong. Let her family become yours. Family isn’t blood. Family is who loves you when no one else does. They will love you. Who couldn’t? Cain, finding out who I was wasn't the scary part. It was finding out who I wasn't that wrecked me. Baby boy, finding out I may never get to be your mama broke my heart. But I’m giving you to someone who will love you. Because she loves me. You’ll only get this letter if I leave this earth. Wherever I am, know that I will always be with you. In your heart. Each time it thumps it’s me telling you that I love you. Forever. With every fiber of my being. I hope you grow up with the wisdom to tell the truth, even if it hurts. To love wholly and completely and to live each moment as though it’s your last. Because that’s the reality of this life. It can end at any time. Savor each sunrise, because you never know if you have a hundred or thousands left to see. Each one is precious, and in that finite moment, realize your life will never be the same as it is in that second. Everything changes. Sometimes quickly, sometimes it takes forever. But everything changes. But the one thing that will never change is my love for you. I don’t even know you and yet I care about you more than I care about myself. You will make your mark on this world and I wish I could be there to see it. But know I’m always proud of you. For being a fighter, and most importantly, for being the best mistake I ever made. Don’t forget either that all wild roses need somewhere to call home. Grace’s grandma is right. It doesn’t matter how wild you feel, and how far you go, keep some roots down with your family. Because they are. They’re your family. I love you.
Love always,
Your mama.
She wrote a note under that for Grace quickly, barely able to see through her tears. Christina wiped at the tears streaming down her face and carefully ripped the paper from the notebook. Silently she folded it and wrote on the small square, “Give to Grace – For Cain.” She would ask Vickie to give it to Grace if anything would happen to her. Vickie had promised she would be back in at seven in the morning.
Grace stirred again and Christina wiped at her face and hid the letter beside her leg under the blankets. “You awake?”
“Yeah, I got in late and you were already asleep. Is everything okay?”
Christina decided to come clean with Grace. “No, it’s not. That spot on my arm came from my reaction to the medicine. It’s called Stevens-Johnson syndrome, and it’s getting worse.”
Grace turned over and her eyes widened. “There’s two spots on your face just like your arm.”
“Yeah, they are going to blister and eventually my skin will peel off.”
Grace whipped her phone out from her purse and she typed on it furiously. “Oh my God! This is terrible! According to this site, you’ll be treated like a burn patient. Are they sure this is what’s going on?”
“They’re sure. They did a biopsy on the spot on my arm yesterday to check for other things and they didn’t find anything.”
“Oh, Christina,” Grace whispered softly, her forehead knitted with concern. “What’s going to happen?”
“I don’t know,” she admitted. “We watch and we wait.”
Grace stood quietly and left to get coffee, she presumed, and while she was gone, she pressed the call button on the remote. Vickie came in her room with a smile.
“What’s up, baby cakes?”
“I need you to do two things for me. Please. I know it’s not something you’re probably supposed to do. But I need your help,” Christina pleaded softly, her voice insistent and firm.
“I’ll do what I can for you, just tell me what you need,” Vickie promised.
“Hold on to these notes. If anything happens to me, I need you to do something for me. The first note will tell you what I need done. It’s important, and it is for my kid and for Grace. The second note is to go to Grace. Please,” Christina begged, knowing she asked a lot of the nurse. A lot more than she should have.
“I’ll do it for you.” Vickie reassured her, tucking the notes into the pocket of her scrubs. “But we’re going to hope for the best.”
“And prepare for the worst,” Christina finished for her. As Vickie left, she wept into her palms. I hope it’s enough, and that it works. I have no other options anymore.
Chapter Eighteen
Watch and wait they did for the next four and a half weeks. The first week passed with her rash getting worse and as the blisters swelled and burst, her skin began to peel. The blisters got worse and worse, and the doctor’s face grew concerned with each day that passed. She vaguely remembered him saying she needed to be put into the burn unit and them pushing more and more medicine into her IV.
But after that point, Christina’s memories became fuzzy and she remembered only blips at a time. But one thing she knew for certain was that Grace hadn’t left her side for more than a few minutes at a time. Whenever her eyes opened, Grace was there, sometimes sleeping, sometimes reading, other times staring off into the distance with a blank gaze. Christina would fleetingly wonder what her best friend was thinking about. Perhaps the future for herself and the baby, or maybe about Drake. She didn’t know for sure, but it comforted her knowing that she wasn’t alone in the hospital and that Grace would be there to help make some decisions when it was needed.
All that Christina really knew other than that, was that the sun was surely rising and setting, and that she was alive. Not awake enough to see the sun passing, but still with the living. There were temporary moments of excruciating pain that would fade into nothingness. Her room had changed again and she was in a cool, dusky place. The sure sound of beeping machines let her know she was still alive. Machines surely didn’t beep when one was dead.
A voice came to her ears and she listened as intently as she could. “She’s getting worse, we can’t control her fever. The antibiotics aren’t working like we’d hoped.” It sounded like a doctor, and she strained to focus harder.
No, Christina screamed inside. It’s not time.
Grace’s voice came to her ears next, and her best friend’s sobbing broke her heart. “What are you saying? What are we going to do?”
“We don’t know how much longer she can live like this,” the first voice continued.
“We aren’t quitting on her,” Grace ferociously hissed. “She’s still here. And as long as she’s here, we’re going to keep fighting. Do you understand?”
“The infections are slowly killing her.” The first voice cautioned, apparently really concerned with what was going on.
“Is the baby going to be okay?” Grace asked. “That’s what she would want to know. She would tell you flat out she doesn’t care about herself, but to make sure the baby is okay.”
That’s my girl. Save Cain.
“As long as we can keep the baby growing, the better. She’s almost to twenty-four weeks. Anything past that is the better. We’ve given her two rounds of steroids to help the baby get ready for the outside world. All we can keep doing is giving her antibiotics and hope that her organs will hold up as long as possible,” the first voice answered finally, and Christina felt relief wash through her.
Christina felt herself floating away again on a warm current of comfort, the only blissful thing that kept the pain away. Keep fighting for us, Grace. Keep fighting. We’re not ready. Not yet. She knew deep down that it was over, and that it wouldn’t be long, but a tiny flicker of hope kept her hanging on. That hope was her son, keeping him inside her body as long as possible to give him the best chance at life as she could. If she had to leave this world, it wouldn’t be with her son in tow. That was for certain.
Sometime later, she wasn’t sure how long it had been, her eyes opened slowly. A tube was running down her throat and she could barely focus long enough to see Grace still sitting in the chair. Christina tried to wiggle her fingers enough that it would catch her attention. Grace looked up from her book after she wiggled them for the third time.
“Christina!” Grace gasped, tossing the book down and jumping up to stand at the bedside. Tears filled her big brown eyes and she wept. “I’m so glad you’re awake. The baby is okay. You’re going to be fine. Just fine, sweetheart. You just have to keep fighting for me. Promise me you’ll fight. I’ve made so many plans for us. When you get better, we’re going to Phoenix and you can flirt with this hot gardener. You’ll love that! We’ll raise Cain together and I’ll take care of you both. Dad has a room ready for you both. He said he put up Mickey Mouse decorations for him. He’s so excited for you to come and stay with us. You just have to keep fighting. Please.” Christina felt Grace gently touch her hand and she wished she could hug Grace and comfort her.
She blinked and wanted so badly to tell Grace that the fight was over, that she couldn’t do it anymore, but she couldn’t. Pain was breaking through the warmth more often these days, and it was unbearable. It was worse than the pain of any abuse she’d endured in her life. But she still held on through it for Cain. Christina wrapped her index finger around Grace’s and she squeezed as hard as she could. I’m hugging you as best I can, Grace. I’m so tired. It all sounds wonderful, but you’ll have to flirt with the hot gardener without me. You’ll have to grow up without me. You’ll have to raise Cain alone. I’m too tired. I would never make it out of the hospital, let alone to Phoenix. I’m sorry. I wish things could be different, but let’s be realistic. Shit is bad. I have a tube in my throat and that means I can’t breathe on my own, right? God…I need to hold on. I have to make sure Cain is safe. Just a little longer. Maybe I can meet that hot gardener after all?
&
nbsp; Her eyes slid closed again as another wave of warmth took over. The pain stopped again for a little while. The next time she fought through the warmth she heard people talking around her again, and she couldn’t understand what they were saying, she only caught snippets of the conversation, but what she caught scared her senseless.
“Pneumonia.”
“Twenty-five weeks.”
“C-Section.”
“Too much damage.”
She worried that it was too early, but Christina accepted what she already knew was coming. She welcomed death’s warm embrace, wholly and completely. The unknown was exhilarating and she looked forward to the next season of her life, whether that was nothingness, Heaven or Hell, or reincarnation. She still wasn’t sure what was right, but she was no longer scared. It was her time to die, and it was Cain’s time to live. Cain was her second chance to get things right and she felt in her heart that she had. Her only regret was that she’d never get to hold him. But the person she cared about most would. Grace would be there. She’d never failed in her responsibility, even though it was one she didn’t have to bear.
Grace had proven to be a better person than she’d known one person could be.
As Christina floated away into the strange unknown, she felt peace. But her story wasn’t over. No, it was only the beginning. She’d made sure of that.
Chapter Nineteen
Cain Rose Morgan was born at six thirty-one in the morning on March 14th. His mother passed away minutes later, and everyone in the operating room believed that somehow, she’d known her job was over. Cain weighed in at two pounds and eight ounces, and he was a whopping twelve inches long. He was rushed into the NICU and Grace was left to mourn her best friend.
She sat completely stunned in the waiting room, as a nurse that had taken care of Christina for a few weeks sat beside her, explaining what had happened. Christina’s heart had simply given up. As though it had known exactly how many beats it needed to thump out. And that was it. She was gone. Vickie told her that she’d likely felt no pain and that she went peacefully almost to the very minute they’d pulled the baby out. Vickie handed her a letter and said it was given to her by Christina several weeks prior, just in case. It was addressed to Cain and she simply held the square of notebook paper in her hand.
Finding Christina (Wild Rose #2) Page 13