Naughty Secrets

by Joan Elizabeth Lloyd

  Not everyone who responded was interested in playing with toys. A forty-year-old woman wrote:

  I never played and won’t. Our own body parts are toys enough!

  That just about says it, so consider your partner’s wishes whatever you decide to do.

  DO YOU AND YOUR PARTNER PLAY PRETEND GAMES?

  Pretend games. What do they add to the bedroom, you might wonder. Actually playing pretend games allows both partners the freedom to do something or be someone they might not be as comfortable doing without the camouflage of another persona. For example, have you ever wanted to be dominant? Be the pirate, the strict teacher with an unruly student, or the prison guard with access to the prisoners of the opposite sex? How about being a police officer? Have you ever wanted your partner to take advantage of you in a situation over which you have no control? Be pretend-hypnotized or asleep when the burglar invades your bedroom? Got the idea?

  When I asked specifically whether anyone had played pirate, doctor, or prison guard, I got a few new ideas. In addition, one woman wrote that she had played a French maid, a nurse, a belly dancer, a stripper, and, a new one to me, Santa’s helper. All delicious scenarios. I also asked how the respondent would react if his or her partner answered the door dressed as a police officer or a doctor. Lots of folks answered, “Wowee,” or words to that effect. If you’ve never considered it, maybe it’s time.

  Ed and I love playing games in the bedroom. I’m the “bad little girl” and he’s only doing things for my own good, to teach me a lesson. Or he’s being invaded from behind while his penis is inside me. There are just too many variations to go into here. Let’s just say it’s wonderful!

  What do your neighbors play?

  A sixty-eight-year-old man wrote:

  I’d like to play games and my wife has said that she wants to be tied up sometime. Playing a doctor game and tying her up would be exciting as can be.

  A forty-one-year-old woman wrote:

  My partner and I bought a pirate story kit once and even got a hat to go with it, but so far we haven’t used it. I would like to try some fantasy and role-playing adventures, but at this point in our relationship, my partner and I seem to be too inhibited to try it.

  Okay, why haven’t you played? Is it the risk that prevents you from something that might prove to be so mutually enjoyable? If so, I understand. There is a bit of risk. What will he or she think of me if I suggest something a bit off center? You might try the idea of bookmarking that I discussed in the introduction. Use some of the letters in this or other chapters. Think of all the nights of great sex you might be missing and do something about it. It’s never too late to give one—or more—a try.

  A thirty-three-year-old woman wrote:

  I’ve never played games, but my partner would love to do this. I guess I would like to also if it weren’t for my weight holding me back.

  This gives me a place to climb up on my soapbox and rant a bit, so hang on. Ladies, what are we doing to ourselves and what pleasures are we forgoing by worrying about our looks, especially our weight? We are sold a bill of goods every time we open a magazine or turn on our TV set. We aren’t lovable (notice I didn’t say beautiful but lovable) if we’re not model-slim with clear skin, glorious hair, and the right makeup. Sorry, but I have one word for all that. Bullshit! I usually don’t use such strong language, but I can’t help it.

  I understand that we, as women, are bombarded with all the nonsense, and I, too, fall into the trap. I could stand to lose some weight, as most of us could. So what? Ed doesn’t care, and your partner probably doesn’t care either. If he had the choice, he would want you warm, willing, and playful in his bed rather than spending time waiting for you to feel better about yourself. Ladies, think hard. Realize that you’re not only denying yourself, you’re denying your partner—and he’s the one you’re trying to please. Let him enjoy you as you are.

  A twenty-one-year-old woman wrote:

  I’ve never played any games but I definitely want to. Allowing me to act out some of my fantasies would definitely make our sex lives much more exciting. And if he met me in “costume” it would be an automatic turn-on. I would immediately be excited and anticipate what would happen after I walked in the door. I’d probably rip his clothes off and start in right then!

  A fifty-two-year-old man wrote:

  My wife and I love to role-play in our relationship. Some of our favorite characters are: Candy, a professional escort, Angel, a much younger novice prostitute/escort, the Schoolgirl (self-explanatory), and the Mistress. Sometimes I play Harry, a man who frequently comes to view Candy’s peep show. It always leads to a night of great sex.

  A fifty-four-year-old man wrote:

  My last lover was a pagan and fantasized being taken by Pan deep in the forest. I brought her out to the woods behind her aunt’s house one night and wore suction-cup horns while I “raped” her. At first I was doing it for her but in the end I don’t know who enjoyed it more.

  A forty-seven-year-old man wrote:

  My girlfriend likes to dress up like a little girl and be taught all about sex. I, too, dress up as a baby at times so I can suckle her hot little titties.

  A forty-eight-year-old man wrote:

  My wife enjoys it when I make up stories about her getting laid. She likes me to fantasize about very large penises or talk about her being seduced interracially. She also likes to have me make up stories that involve soft-core rape scenes, where she is almost a willing participant. Another favorite is a tale in which she is attending some function alone and gets picked up by a guy and taken to his room where she would get screwed.

  A seventy-seven-year-old man wrote:

  My lady and I just sat down and talked about this section (yes, she’s been watching what I’ve been typing). While I’ve never, to my memory, ever thought of playing pretend games, she is telling me that she has. This is her “pretend.”

  She would like me to pretend I am her gynecologist and have me do a vaginal exam on her. As she says, “I’d like you to really open me up, maybe with a speculum or something, and look inside me.” So I guess in the near future, I’m going to play doctor.

  If my partner met me at the door dressed as a doctor with a stethoscope hanging around her neck I would confirm that I had an “appointment,” complain of some problem with my penis, and immediately strip and prepare to be examined.

  It seems that just filling out this survey expanded the sexual horizons of at least one couple. Fabulous!

  A forty-seven-year-old man wrote:

  Our favorite character is “Debbie,” the cheerleader from Debbie Does Dallas. She dresses up, then does me.

  I like her to dress up as a schoolgirl, too. She has a short pleated school-type skirt to which she adds a white blouse and patent-leather shoes. We’re still developing other characters. Recently I asked her to dress up as a “whore,” a real slutty look. She hasn’t done it yet, but eventually…

  A forty-eight-year-old man wrote:

  My favorite game is having my wife pretend to be a hooker. I play picked her up several times in a hotel bar. I don’t think anyone else at the bar knew we were married and, to tell the truth, I didn’t feel married.

  A fifty-nine-year-old man wrote:

  Several months ago my wife planned to meet me at the door “dressed” in only Saran wrap, but I got home an hour early. When she told me how disappointed she was, I was so intrigued that I helped make her a Saran wrap outfit. It consisted of a skirt, one width of wrap tall, and a separate top of wrap folded in half.

  Once, years ago, she met me at the airport wearing just a teddy under her coat. That was super.

  A thirty-one-year-old man wrote:

  I’d love to play employer/employee. I’d be my lady’s employee and get chewed out by her, then I’d have to do what she wants in order to keep my job.

  A fifty-one-year-old woman wrote:

  If my husband met me at the front door in some sort of costume, I would cream my pants,
especially if he was a police officer with cuffs who wanted to frisk me. Wooo Hoooo!

  A twenty-five-year-old woman wrote:

  There was one time I told my boyfriend that I have always wanted to play little girl and make love on a slide. We just happened to be at the park, so we went to the new slide gym and proceeded. It was dewy and kinda cool outside and extremely exhilarating.

  A thirty-one-year-old woman wrote:

  My favorite role was playing the World War II prisoner of war while my husband was the Nazi interrogator, torturing me for information. Mmm. I have a very high tolerance for torture!!

  A thirty-four-year-old woman wrote:

  I like to pretend that my boyfriend and I have never been together before and that my folks might catch us. Then he touches me with his penis and nothing else.

  A forty-three-year-old woman wrote:

  My hubby and I have played a game of my being a bad girl and needing a good hard fucking up my ass and a hard spanking. This game always gets my pussy hot and wet.

  I’d absolutely love it if he answered the door dressed as a police officer, handcuffed me, and forced me to bend over the couch while he spanked my ass with his leather-gloved hand and occasionally slapped my clit until I came.

  A forty-five-year-old woman wrote:

  One of my lovers was an officer in the navy. It was the most wonderful turn-on to see him come to the door in his uniform. We didn’t have to play at it. He was my officer and gentleman or, more wonderfully, not such a gentleman.

  A fifty-eight-year-old woman wrote:

  Although we like the idea, we’ve never really gotten into role playing. I think it would be great. I’d really like to have the time and costumes to “act out” one of our fantasies, and to provide each other with that kind of pleasure. Oh baby, baby! Let’s go for it!!!

  A sixty-two-year-old woman wrote:

  I’ve pretended that I was being fucked by another couple while my husband was fucking me. I pretended my own fingers were the woman’s!

  A twenty-seven-year-old man wrote:

  A few years ago my partner and I pretended that she was my girlfriend’s cousin, age sixeen or so. Sometimes she’d seduce me and other times I’d seduce her. Breaking down taboo barriers was hot. Another time my partner dressed me perfectly as a female and I played her lesbian lover.

  A thirty-year-old man wrote:

  I would like to play student and have my wife be the teacher. She could educate me about my cock, teach me how to make myself come, and then give me several lessons about her cunt and asshole.

  A thirty-two-year-old man wrote:

  My wife and I have just started to dabble in role-playing fantasies. She has played nurse, which is a turn-on for me. I would also love her to dress up as a policewoman and totally dominate me.

  I am trying to get a feel for what she would like so I can surprise her one night. Prison guard sounds like a fun one. And if I walked into the house to see my wife in a police uniform holding a nightstick, my hard-on would be trying to rip through my pants before I got the door closed behind me.

  A thirty-six-year-old man wrote:

  Maybe we could meet in a bar and I could pick her up as if we are just meeting for the first time. Or maybe there could be a bit of a chase through the woods, ending in bending her over a stump or something—you know—sort of a simulated rape thing.

  A forty-year-old man wrote:

  My wife and I like to pretend that I’m her hired hand and I perform “chores” around her body. Sometimes I like to pretend that I’m her love slave. She wins me in a card game from another woman and first I show her what the other woman liked, then she shows me what she wants.

  A forty-two-year-old man wrote:

  My girlfriend pretends to be a senior office manager interviewing young male candidates for a job. She has me dress in a suit and disrobe at her will. If my cock gets hard, she gets angry and won’t let me have the job. When she wants it hard, I have to get erect without touching myself, then she directs me to do various things to her: kiss her breasts, feel up her skirt, caress her feet. I must stay hard all the time. Fucking is not usually part of the fantasy for her but we always do afterward! Mostly it’s just the control over these young men and their firm bodies.

  One forty-five-year-old man would love to play but needs some guidance from his lady. He wrote:

  I can’t say that we have played pretend games in a really overt way with dressing up, props, etc. I think perhaps we are both too inhibited and too self-conscious—at least so far. During passionate lovemaking I have suggested that my partner imagine I am someone else, and to a limited extent to imagine we are somewhere else under other circumstances. It did seem to add spice. It could also pave the way to fantasy becoming reality.

  I think role playing would be interesting to pursue. I would particularly like it if she would give me some idea of who or where she would like to be and how she would want the game to go. I have some inkling of where she might be with this, based on “favorite” stories she marked off in one of your books (Nice Couples Do). I haven’t had her read a lot of erotica, but I think it’s a very good way to help someone identify what turns them on when they may not feel comfortable saying what that is.

  Here’s an idea for you. Lie in bed and start an erotic story. Set the scene and describe the people. Then ask her how the next part might go. Alternate paragraphs to ease the way and see what she comes up with. You’ll find out quite quickly what excites her.

  A twenty-five-year-old woman wrote:

  I would like to go to a bar, pretend I don’t know him, and “pick him up.” I would love the feeling that everyone around would know what would happen. There’s a feeling of control and power.

  If he answered the door dressed like a police officer I’d probably chuckle, but then I would say, “Are you going to frisk me, Officer? Have I been bad? Are you going to handcuff me now and show me how bad I’ve been?” Then hopefully he’d push me up against the wall and take over.

  A twenty-five-year-old woman wrote:

  It’s the rapist-and-victim–type scenario that really turns me on. It’s the only way I can get my husband to be dominant with me and I love when he gets really forceful.

  A thirty-year-old woman wrote:

  I’ve never played pretend. Although I really want to, I am shy for that. I would love to be cuffed by a cop and then fucked. Or be hosed by a fireman (smile).

  A thirty-nine-year-old bisexual woman wrote:

  Okay, you asked for it. Here’s how my role-playing session would go.

  l am a prison inmate being taken to the female warden to become her sex slave. When I refuse, she ties me up, whips me, and rapes me with her strap-on dildo, taking me whenever and however she wants until I am hers and will do as she wishes.

  A forty-six-year-old man wrote:

  I don’t know how I would react if my wife answered the door dressed up in some way. She has, however, answered the door naked and ready to go at it! That was wonderful!

  A sixty-two-year-old man wrote:

  The closest we come to pretend is lingerie. I like sexy high-class sheer and lacy items: thongs, body stockings, camisoles, and stay-up hose with lace tops, the kind of lingerie one sees in fashion magazines, not at Frederick’s of Hollywood. My wife wears such things for me at special times, but does not like it for everyday wear. My lady in sheer lingerie turns me on every time. Her collection is extensive and expensive… and yes, I buy some of it for her. She likes me to wear tight Jockey shorts, sometimes, when we make love so that she can peel them off me when she is ready.

  A twenty-two-year-old man wrote:

  One of the best nights my wife and I ever spent was when she asked me to pretend that she was a virgin and force her into having sex. I am not usually a very aggressive or forceful person, but role playing enabled me to satisfy this need. She kept saying that she didn’t want to do it, and that it was wrong. I just forced her legs apart, and rammed my cock up inside her. I kept telli
ng her what a filthy whore she was, and that a dirty little bitch like her couldn’t help herself. I fucked her really hard, and we both came with screams. That was a really satisfying, yet scary experience.

  A thirty-nine-year-old man wrote:

  I remember the first girl I ever had sex with. We had become lovers and she was very adventurous, willing and anxious to do new things. I had told her that I wanted us to make love and talk dirty during sex. We could say anything we wanted so long as we understood it meant nothing. She agreed!