by N. K. Love
“I’m glad you approve, B.”
Jax hands me my hot chocolate, which is just the right temperature for drinking. I clasp both hands around it and sit cross-legged, half facing him.
“Mmm. Your talents seem endless. You make a mean cup of cocoa, G.” I see him looking at my clothes and he runs his hand over the material on my thighs. “Softer than soft, huh? I love them. There’s a lot more material than I’d expect from you too.” I tease and he raises his eyebrow speculatively.
“I know how beautiful you look naked, but I also know how beautiful you’d look skiing on the Alps with zero skin on show… I don’t need to see it to know that it’s there. Whether you’re naked or not, the most beautiful thing about you is your heart.”
I swallow slowly, looking at him. But he casually gets up and goes on search for the remote control. I can’t help the shy smile creeping across my face. He says the loveliest of things and then carries on as though it’s nothing. Doesn’t he realise that he has just turned my insides into a gooey mess of roasted marshmallow?
“Well, I’m not as disciplined as you, I’m afraid. I want you naked all the time.”
With the remote in hand, Jax comes to tower over me and leans down, giving me a delicious view of skin, skin and more skin. His strong shoulders are broad and were definitely made for me to kiss, to grab onto, to swing my legs over or simply to lean on and snuggle into.
“Beth, you can have me any time, any place, private or public, clothed or naked. I am yours.”
Miss Alter Ego is holding up a placard that reads “Every Inch, Baby!” parading around the bedroom. But, I know he didn’t say it for sexual effect. It’s more of a declaration. He is in a very sentimental mood for some reason.
Seeing that I’m too stunned to respond, Jax sits back down beside me and switches on the stereo. Continuing where we left off at the party, he finds a Rat Pack compilation and plays it with the volume down low.
“This is the perfect ending to a wonderful night, Jax.”
“Something happened though, didn’t it?”
I’ve already shrugged off that petty ‘handbags at dawn’ conversation. I definitely wasn’t going to bring it up, but I’m not going to lie to him either.
“Okay, yes, it did. But, it’s fine. I’m fine.”
“Tell me.”
“I bumped into Carmel. We crossed words and then agreed that we don’t like each other. End of.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know she was going to be there. She is as involved in that charity as I am, but Jack said she wasn’t going to be there. Did she upset you?”
“Not really. She pissed me off, mentioning about when you two were, you know. But, I’m over it.”
“Carmel was out of line. Again. I’ll deal with her… So that’s what that was about, in the car?”
“What?”
“Beth, you devoured my dick like it was your last meal. Not that I’m complaining, it was incredible. But, is that why?”
I nod. “I just needed to… I don’t know. I felt jealous, I think.”
“That’s not jealousy, Angel. You were being territorial. Staking claim and protecting what’s yours… Incidentally, that’s sexy as fuck.” The heat rises to my cheeks. I don’t blush often in front of Jax. “Do you realise how cute you look when you get embarrassed?” I roll my eyes, burying my smile into my mug. “B, have your feelings changed, towards me?”
“What? Why would you ask me that?”
I set down my mug and swivel a little further to the right to face him properly.
“It’s just you haven’t said it since… I know I shocked you and put a lot of pressure on you. I don’t want you to think I’m not the man you thought I was.”
“You mean the man I fell in love with?” Jax nods with confidence, but concern is etched over his expression. He is feeling anxious and I don’t know why. I haven’t given him any reason to think that I don’t feel the same way about him. “Jax, it was hard. I was questioning my own sanity at one point. That’s the intense effect you had on me—you have on me. I tried to bury my heart for a while… But, I cried so much, I think the tears soaked through and washed the dirt away. I couldn’t do it. Above all else though, I know that you’re still the same person and my feelings for you haven’t changed. That’s what pulled me through.”
Jax takes my hand and plays with my charm bracelet. I didn’t wear it with my dress. I’d brought it with me in my handbag. Seemingly lost in thought again or maybe just thinking about my words, he gently kisses my wrist, my knuckles and then my palm.
“You know, when you first told me you loved me, I didn’t believe you. I couldn’t. I couldn’t understand how a person as good as you, could take a chance on me.”
God it kills me when he talks like that about himself. How can such a confident, charismatic man, think so little about their worth to another person?
“In the beginning, I didn’t want to love you. I convinced myself that by loving you, I was sentencing myself to a heart full of pain at some point… That may still be true. But, thankfully, I said Fuck It and soon I loved loving you. Saying goodbye to you has never been on my Fuck It list… Jax, you made me feel. For the first time in my life, I know what it feels like to love.”
“And now I know what it feels like to be loved. I didn’t want it either, if I’m honest. I felt the same way; that I was going to hurt you and I didn’t want that.” Jax turns to wrap his left leg around my side and cocoons my hands within his, giving me his thumbs to cling on to. “But now, I love that you love me, Beth. It doesn’t freak me out anymore and, thanks to you, you’ve made me feel worthy, because I know that I would move heaven and earth to keep from hurting you.”
The intensity in his voice and the sincerity in his eyes keeps me silently captivated. Tears have filled my eyes without me even realising. When I blink, a heavy tear streams quickly down either side of my face. As I’m inflicting a death grip on his thumbs, he leans forward and kisses them away with his warm open mouth.
With his face closer this time, he takes a deep breath and continues.
“You were right when you said that I didn’t want to speak about my feelings. I thought it was unfair. I didn’t want to mess with your head any more than I already had. But, as always, you saw right through me… Just like the first time we ever spoke, you called bullshit on my bullshit. Only you can do that. So, Beth, for the first time in my life, I know what it feels like to love too.”
I let go of his thumbs to cover my face, but he pulls my hands straight back down.
“Oh-my-God-oh-my-God.”
“I think part of me fell in love with you the moment I saw you and that’s grown every day, until one day I couldn’t ignore it. I loved you when we sat right here that night, talking about how you thought I wanted to fuck you and forget about you. We didn’t have a clue that by going upstairs, there was never any going back. The second I laid my hands on you, my soul knew you were going to be mine for the rest of your life.”
I don’t know if I can hear any more of this. I’m a sobbing mess.
“Jax—”
“Hold on, beautiful. I need to say all of this.” He exhales deliberately slowly, gathering his thoughts before continuing. “I loved you when we sat here… and I hurt you. I hated myself, but I fucking loved you. I watched you walk away from me, but part of me knew that what we have between us is untouchable. That’s why I needed us to be sitting here again in this very spot, so that I can finally look you in the eyes and say, I love you. I always have, Angel, and I always will.”
“Shiiiit.” Oh great! He has just poured his heart out and all I can do is curse. Instead of attempting to string a sentence together, I throw my arms around him again and cry and giggle and cry some more. The whole time Jax squeezes me tightly and I can feel pure happiness spilling out of him. I look into his eyes, searching for validation. I touch his face, making sure this is real. It’s not like that nightmare, where everything is perfect only for it to be cruelly s
natched away in a heartbeat. This is really happening to us. “Jax, I did. I did feel loved by you, but I never dreamed what it would sound like coming from your lips.”
Jax pulls me in for a beautiful, tender kiss. Jaxson Carter loves me. He loves me.
“Beth, from day one, you’ve consumed me. I have always been a better version of myself with you in my life.”
“Me too. Now, tell me again.”
“I. Love. You…” I bite onto my bottom lip hard to stop myself from squealing. “Always.”
He kisses the tip of my nose and reciprocates the enormous grin that’s spread across my face.
“I swear, I will never tire of hearing those words. Ever.”
“Well, good. I’ve been holding back for so long, I thought you might get sick of hearing it.”
“Never. You’ve made me so happy. I love you too. All ways.”
Chapter Eight
Friday 22nd May 2015
17:25pm
After Jax’s incredible declaration of love, things between us have been just perfect.
Well, that is apart from the fact that by the time we got upstairs that night, I discovered I’d started my goddam selfish period. It would’ve been ideal to seal the conversation with some slow lovemaking… But, in actual fact, what we did was somehow more special. We basked in the love of each other’s embrace instead; touching, stroking, smiling and reminiscing. We hardly slept.
We thankfully remedied the whole ‘Jax on top’ debacle when we finally got to make love—yes, I can officially claim that now—on Wednesday. Having jokingly pretended to frisk me for a knife during foreplay, he went on to be so gentle and loving. What made me happy, was that nothing had changed. That connection we have hasn’t altered, which tells me that our love for each other has been carrying us through for longer than we both knew.
That same love, which I was worried was going to crumble into a heap of nothingness, has stood strong. We’ve gotten through that rocky road and we’re closer than ever. Jax purposely omits pieces of himself to others. He says he has always been that way, except with Jonty and now with me. With the last of his past out in the open, we can move on and continue growing from strength to strength. I truly believe that we’re soulmates.
During the week, we’ve been to the gym a couple of times together. It was strange seeing Craig in his new position as manager. But he and Jax have a solid friendship and Jax wouldn’t have made it happen if Craig wasn’t ready.
It was great working out together. Even when I was on the treadmill or swimming lengths, he’d make sure he was in my eye line so we could exchange looks… And when I say looks, what I actually mean is him teasing me with ‘I’m thinking about working out on you’ killer looks. It sure does act as a motivator, when my flirty boyfriend is grunting and pumping and sweating his ass off and all I can do is use my vivid imagination and burn off the tension with reps or lengths or cardio.
Wills has thoroughly taken the piss about how ‘sickeningly loved up’ I’ve been. Apparently ‘Couples who train together, stay together’ and Wills has threatened to buy me and Jax matching t-shirts with it written across the front. The sad thing is, I’d probably wear it… I could even add to the back ‘Back off! Jaxson Carter is mine.’ Too much? Yeah, too much… Maybe.
My best friend is over the moon for me though. But now it’s my turn to be concerned about her. She sent a message this afternoon asking if we can meet up earlier than planned tomorrow because she wants to talk. I called her straight away, but she didn’t pick up. She then messaged to say she was with her parents and couldn’t talk so I’ll have to wait until tomorrow lunchtime to see what’s happening.
We’ve booked appointments to have a tattoo. Eeek! I’m super excited about it. Wills being Wills said Fuck It and she’s going to join me. The tattoo I’m having has been floating around inside my head for nearly a month now. I haven’t told Jax. I thought it’d be a nice surprise for him, next time he’s peeling away my clothes.
Mom was so pleased that Jax and I had sorted our differences. We had a little heart-to-heart. I thanked her for everything and apologised about shutting her out and for drinking too much.
So, with the exception of this concern with Wills, everything is going great.
As I lock up Next Chapter, I’m on top of the world and I feel that for the first time in my relationship with Jax, things have balanced out. Jax looks like he is on a mission constantly. He loves being busy and with 24/7 out of the picture now, it’s opened up new opportunities for him to sink his teeth into. It’s inspiring to hear about his ideas and thirst for new ventures.
I’ve had a positive day at work, meeting lots of new customers. Eddie said that I’ve got my mojo back and I agree.
The dark cloud has shifted. Well, that was until now.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
“Darling, I was hoping we could talk.”
“After the way we left things last week, Carmel, I’ve no idea what’s possessed you to turn up here uninvited and unannounced!”
“I would like to talk. Please.”
‘Please’. That’s a turn up for the books. Okay, so curiosity has piqued my interest. Jax trusts her. I guess I should give her the benefit of the doubt.
“Fine. Follow me.”
I walk briskly across the street and into the little coffee shop there. It’s broad daylight and although it’s not busy in here, there’s enough witnesses, should she decided to go all Cruella on me again. But I’m not catching any evil vibes just yet.
After ordering our drinks, we grab a table near the window. I purposely sit nearest the door, in case I need to make a sharp exit.
Whenever I’ve seen her she’s been immaculately dressed, straight off a catwalk and today is no different. She’s propped her oversized sunglasses on top of her head, where the black frames contrast against her blonde, glossy hair.
By the time we’ve taken our jackets off and sat down, a gentleman brings over our drinks and leaves. I busy myself with stirring a sachet of sugar into my coffee, hoping that she’s not paid the man to poison it before it left the counter. I swear if she’s here to warn me off Jax one more time, that blonde is going to rapidly become a muddy shade of steaming mocha.
“Thanks for bringing me here. I know you could have ignored me and driven away, so I appreciate you giving me your time.” Her voice grates on me. One more shove in the direction of Windsor Castle and she’d be mingling in the Queen’s English. I wait for her to enlighten me as to why she’s here. “That’s a lovely, quaint, little shop you have there, Bethany.”
“Carmel, can we cut the small talk, please? What do you want, exactly? Didn’t you say enough last week?”
“It’s about that, Bethany. I wanted to speak to you face to face. I need to apologise, for everything I have said to you until now.” I arch an eyebrow, waiting for the punchline. “Sincerely. I am sorry.”
“Oookay. Why the sudden change of heart? Is it because Jaxson called you?”
“No. Well, partly. What he said to me just echoed what I had already figured out for myself. Bethany, for reasons you will never know, I am extremely protective of the people in my life. Jaxson, is one of those people. He has looked out for me and I do the same for him in return.”
“I’m well aware of what friends do for each other, Carmel. But last week, you seemed to confuse being a friend with being a… a psycho side-chick.”
Carmel takes a sip of her tea and swallows my words along with it.
“I deserved that.”
“Look, I’m just saying you’ve got a strange way of looking out for him.”
“I know, and you are right. To be honest Bethany, I think it’s in my blood. React first. Think later.” Carmel stares into her teacup pensively. Instead of the hard-faced bitch I’m familiar with, she’s gradually looking like any other normal person in here. “The first night that I met you, when you left his house, I thought it was the last I’d see of you. I’d convinced myself that y
ou were bad news, considering what had happened to him that night. You see… X is invincible and seeing him hurt, had me blaming you because he’d obviously taken his eye off the ball. Then, when I saw you at the charity event last week, I had to see for myself.”
“So, what are you saying? That you were testing me?”
“You could say that. I wanted to suss you out for myself. I find when people are upset, that’s usually when they show their true colours. I’m sorry if I upset you. Of course it was all nonsense, spouted out to push your buttons… I suspected that X had told you certain things. So when you confirmed that you knew about our little group… Well, admittedly, I bloody saw red. I was absolutely livid inside.” I find myself thirstily drinking my mocha, engrossed in what she’s saying, her accent is beginning to grow on me. “X broke our oldest house rule. That group was held together by trust and telling you put me at risk. My livelihood. My life. In the hands of a stranger. Even after the things I said to you, you still didn’t talk any bollocks. You could’ve threatened me there and then. But, you didn’t.”