Dad is not gay

by N. Schwalbe

  »No, it’s rather homophobic – just like other men on our planet.« Zoe put the dildo back into the packet and sat down on the desk chair. »Let us stop, Pamela! We won’t find anything. Even if Tom has an affair he wouldn’t be that stupid to keep something treacherous.«

  »That’s what you’re thinking, sweetie! Let me rummage around for a while. Probably, we have to search in the sleeping room.«

  »No, there is nothing. I would know it.« Zoe stared at the packet. »I’m wondering why he is having such a thing.«

  »Then you should confront him!«

  6

  Tom played with the remote control and zapped through all channels. Besides, he drank his beer and scoffed masses of chips.

  Zoe came into the living room and rolled her eyes. »Tom! What’s biting you? You’ve been sitting around on the sofa every free evening for two weeks now, playing the bored one.«

  »Aren’t you glad about me staying at home after being away for six weeks? You’ve already imputed a mistress to me.« Tom smiled but his smile resembled rather a nasty grinning.

  »Sure, I’m extremely pleased especially when you’re making such a long face. That makes really fun spending time with you.« Zoe fell down on the two-seater and grabbed the TV guide. »Tom, Tom! Give me the remote control!«

  Tom threw it to her and looked curiously to the tube. »Oh, no, ‘Love under the rainbow’? Zoe!«

  »Wait, Tom! Look!« Zoe slid around until a brunette man appeared who helped a lady picking up some papers.

  Luca!

  Tom’s heart leapt, his pulse accelerated from seventy to one-hundred-forty and he immediately broke out in sweat. »Luca-Steffen-evening?« he asked hoarsely.

  Zoe nodded enthusiastically. »That’s somehow cool, isn’t it? We know him personally and, now, we’re seeing him on TV. God, he looks gorgeous.«

  »Yes,« Tom said softly but Zoe had switched on the loudspeaker and, thus, his whisper was drowned out by the noise. Now, both sat on the sofa watching TV. While Zoe drooled over Luca with permanent comments, Tom thought of their common hours in his apartment.

  Probably, Luca had already forgotten him. Fourteen days had passed since his departure and he had not been in touch!

  ***

  »Daddy has to read out a book,« Penny insisted with a masterly pout.

  Finally, Zoe gave in and went to her husband. »Tom, you’re wanted!« She looked at him with a frown. Tom changed beyond recognition.

  He had not shaved for one week, he was not going into the club anymore and in the evenings, he let himself go. Chips, beer and fat cheese were his staple food.

  »I’m busy.«

  »With what?« Zoe stared at the bottle of beer which Tom swirled in his hands.

  Then, he looked up. »Okay,« he sighed, »Who needs my help?«

  »Penny wants you to read out a book.«

  »Oh!« A smile spread across his face. He banged his bottle onto the table and ran upstairs.

  Softly, he knocked at Penny’s door and, finally, entered her princess room. »Hi honey!«

  »Hello Daddy! Come here to me! You have to read out this book.« His three-year-old daughter tapped on her cover sheet with a determined face.

  Her sight moved him. Her long, blonde curls framed her chubby cheeks and her amber-colored big wide eyes looked up at him expectantly.

  Tom took her into his arms and both fell on the bed. »Don’t, Daddy! It’s book time!«

  »I’m sorry,« Tom mimed seriousness and grabbed the book. »Once upon a time, there was a princess…,« he started to read while Penny cuddled up to him. »May I sit on your lap, Daddy?«

  »Of course.« He pulled her onto his lap and continued reading.

  After a quarter of an hour, she could not keep her eyes open any longer.

  Tom laid her on the bed and covered her up. »Sleep well, my little princess!«

  »Sleep well, too, Daddy!«

  Satisfied, he left her room, kissed his other kids goodnight and let Benno show him a few extraordinary snakes in his favorite books of reptiles. Then, Tom went downstairs to clear out the basket with the waste paper.

  Suddenly, a sand-colored envelope slipped out of a magazine and fell on the floor.

  Annoyed, Tom picked it up.

  The letter was from Australia!

  His heart leapt while he tore it open.

  »What are you doing here?«

  »Zoe! Why are you creeping up on me? Do you want me to die of a heart attack? Then, our life insurance won’t pay a penny!« He grabbed the magazine and hid the letter in it.

  »I’m sorry! Do you have any secrets or why are you that jumpy?«

  »Nay, nay, and now you’ll impute again a mistress to me. I suppose you’re rummaging around my attic again!« Upset, he stared at her.

  Zoe blushed. »I…«

  »Out with it, who has had this glorious idea? No, wait,« Tom raised a hand, «Let me guess! Pamela or Biggi, one of them has spurred you on, saying you shall turn the place upside down to convict me.«

  Zoe cleared her throat and shook her head. »Biggi has nothing to do with it.«

  »Okay. I should have known that this shit is coming from Pamela. After all, she has enough experience by her own husband, hasn’t she?« Tom banged the advertising brochures into the basket with the waste paper and passed his wife.

  »Don’t you want to throw away this old magazine?«

  »It’s not old. It’s from yesterday. And no, I want to read it when I’m locked up in my little closet.«

  »Together with your dildo?«

  Tom stopped.

  Zoe stood behind him and could not see his brain working.

  She had found Luca’s penis reprint!

  Good Lord, now she had his guts for garters!

  What should he say?

  ‚Hey, Darling, the dildo is a copy of your adored film star’s penis with whom I had sex like a lunatic for the last few weeks?’

  Well, that would be rather a flop.

  Tom did not turn around when he answered. »What has the vibrator to do with this magazine? Does one nowadays jerk off with daily magazines?«

  »Very funny!«

  »I’m not laughing.«

  »Me neither. So?«

  »Nothing so.« Tom closed his eyes.

  »You’ve been so off-putting recently,« Zoe suddenly said softly. She laid one hand on his back and leaned her face against it.

  Tom bent his head.

  He knew exactly that he shunned her, but he just was not open for her. He could not pretend to be wild about her. He neither had the desire to cuddle up with her nor to sleep with her. The only thing he was longing for was taking Luca’s dick into his mouth to taste the sweet-salty juice of his loins.

  »You don’t love me anymore, do you?«

  Tom swallowed. »But yes, darling, I still love you. But not bodily at the moment,« it slipped out of him. Shocked about his loose tongue, he bit his teeth and waited anxiously for her reaction.

  A faint sob came to his ears.

  That was all he needed!

  With a bad conscience as big as the Alps, he turned around and hugged her, stroking her back tenderly. They were just standing there for a while, embracing each other.

  Then, Zoe let go off and forced him to look into her eyes. »What does that mean exactly? Do you want to separate?«

  »Just because I don’t want to sleep with you?« Tom asked amazed.

  Zoe nodded.

  Tom breathed in. »That’s really absurd, Zoe. I love you and the kids. You’re my family, my life. In my opinion, abstinence is no reason for a divorce.«

  Zoe caressed his chest thoughtfully. »Did I become too fat?«

  Tom rolled his eyes. »No. You’re perfect, as usual.«

  »What is it then? Do I wear unfashionable clothes?«

  »Horse hockey!« Tom was thinking feverishly what to say. »Why do women always have to fix things to appearances? I don’t feel like having sex because my head is full with thousands o
f things.«

  »What kind of things?« Zoe pumped for an answer.

  »Things you can’t understand.«

  Annoyed, Zoe furled her brows. »What does that mean? Am I not intellectual enough anymore?«

  »No.«

  Shit, for goodness’ sake!

  Every normal thinking guy knew that one should never get involved in a discussion with a neglected woman! She would twist the men’s words using it against him. No matter what someone said, it was analyzed and used against one.

  »It just means that there are things which keep us men busy but about what we don’t wanna talk, at least not with our wife.«

  »Are you ill?« Zoe looked scared.

  Tom was hacked off.

  Would there be any chance to read Luca’s letter within this life?

  »No, I’m fit as a fiddle.« He embraced his wife. »Do I have to screw you in order to stop you from pumping so that I could finally read my magazine in peace?«

  Zoe looked up at him and grinned. »Yes.«

  Shit, wrong suggestion.

  He had hoped she would tell him where to go.

  Tom made a step back and locked the door of the domestic room. Then, he placed Zoe on the washing machine and pushed up her skirt. He kissed her tenderly, but without passion and buried his face in her pit of the throat while he penetrated. He could do with the warm moisture which surrounded his dick, even though, he had the miserable feeling to deceive Luca. He grabbed hold of her hips, rammed her three to four times and, finally, poured into her.

  »God, do you have your fertile period?« he remembered much too late. »I guess I’ve had pressure on the boiler. Please excuse this sudden end.«

  Zoe nodded grinning. »It doesn’t matter. Yes, I have my fertile period.«

  »That’s not funny.«

  »No. But it would be very cute, wouldn’t it?«

  »Super cute, but next time you may inform me in advance.«

  »You could have asked. You’re doing this usually,« Zoe complained.

  »Yes, right. But I have also said that I don’t really feel like that stuff at the moment.«

  »Stuff? Well, thank you. I’d rather not slept with you. Now, you’re not on the ball either.« Zoe left the room.

  »I told you I don’t want to,« Tom called after her. He fished the magazine from behind the washing machine and ran upstairs to his attic. With flying hands he fetched out the letter.

  Dear Tom!

  Now, I’ve already been here in Australia for three days and I do not feel better. God, I miss you so much that it hurts!

  As I sat in the plane, I asked myself why I don’t simply turn around and throw down the job, but then, the first clouds were emerging underneath us. Franz is getting on my nerves. He says I’m not concentrating enough on my work. But how shall I concentrate on my text and my role when I can’t think of anything else but you? I guess Franz knows why I’m having a low, but he is gentleman enough not to pump me for it.

  The landscape is a dream. I wish you would discover the country’s beauty together with me.

  You probably don’t have time to think of me. After all, you’re a devoted family man with a lot of duties and I’m feeling lousy because I’ve not only kept you away from your family, but also tried to win you over. I would never separate you from your kids, but on the other hand, I’m selfish enough to wish that you would leave your wife to stay with me☹.

  Up to now, I’ve never understood why queers want to marry. The other way is so much easier and more comfortable. People are meeting each other, screwing around, they are staying together for a while and, then, they separate again without making a great big fuss about it.

  But now, I myself am sitting in the “emotional trap” fervently wishing to be allowed to live officially at your side, to be bound to you and to bring up your kids.

  In case you’re thinking differently, please don’t condemn me. Just throw the letter away and ignore my existence. God, my self-esteem remained in Germany! I have no confidence in myself anymore, I don’t dare to demand you, although, I’ve never cared about it – I just took what I wanted and, most often, I got it. But why should you shake up your life for me? Absurd!

  My dear Tom, it’s at night and I’m freezing like a lonely dog – and that’s exactly how I’m feeling! Isn’t this pitiful?

  If you won’t write back I’m going to bury the next letters for you here in the outback.

  Tom, I love you, from top to toe and nothing or nobody could ever change this! Please never forget that!

  In thoughts of you,

  yours,

  Luca

  Tom read the letter again and again until he knew it by heart. He sucked every written letter like an elixir of life. Then, he got the penis copy and laid it down on his desk.

  Yes, he missed him, too!

  Each day without him was a burden. He had a hard time with his ordinary weekdays and only functioned from hour to hour. Things which had made fun before were tiresome now. He’d like to be frozen for the next few weeks to be wakened up by Luca as soon as he’ll return to Germany!

  After a while, Tom looked for a suitable hiding place and, finally, decided to take the letter to work to store it in his spint. Here, Pamela, who has left traces in every corner of the room, was lying in wait.

  ***

  »Luca, now, check yourself! There’s a lot at stake for us. This is your first and maybe the only opportunity to work together with an international film team.« Franz Elsenhauer mooched around the mobile home what turned out to be very difficult since it was not very big.

  »I know, Franz! I’m really going to great trouble, but I’m so unmotivated that I couldn’t even fart.«

  Franz looked at him in amazement. »Luca, this is not any toothpaste advertisement.«

  »Do you think I don’t know that?« Luca flew off the handle. He sat down and buried his face in his hands. »I’ll go outside now to get over with that shitty day.« Luca furiously stumbled past his manager and stormed over the desert sands towards the shooting crew. He asked himself again and again why Tom had not written back. He dreaded the cruel truth that Tom loved his family too much to leave them and that he, Luca, had only been his toy.

  He grabbed his sword, let the makeup artist dab on his face and positioned in front of Mehmet who had patiently been waiting for him for half an hour.

  »Lovesick?« Mehmet asked in a whisper.

  Luca lowered his sword in surprise. »Where…?«

  Mehmet smiled wisely. »Intuition.«

  »I’m sorry! I’m a terrible film partner.«

  Mehmet grasped his chest being about to answer.

  »What’s up there, you two? You’re not supposed to natter but to fight,« John, the director, called.

  Mehmet would not be put off by the screaming. He leaned forward, his hand still at his chest. »In here, love is created; in here, love grows and thrives. You alone are its helmsman. You are deciding what will happen and in case you decide against it, it’ll die like a famished child.«

  Luca shrank back from this comparison but Mehmet continued while Lucy, their makeup artist, had her hands full to powder their sweating faces.

  »If you love, really love I mean and your love is no voracious selfish snake, pluck up courage and fight for it. It’s worth it!«

  Luca looked at Mehmet as if he saw him for the first time. He had always thought he was a shallow macho but obviously, he was deeper than suspected. »Thanks!«

  Mehmet bowed and smiled. Then he raised his sword and bent his knees.

  Sandy, one of John’s camera assistants, held out the synchronous flap in front of the camera and let it crash. »Pharaoh’s son, camera one, scene fifteen, take three.«

  Luca remembered Tom’s words and parried each of Mehmet’s powerful strikes. He almost danced over the dusty ground and, finally, they could bring the scene to an end.

  Meanwhile, Franz sat in the mobile home and rummaged around in Luca’s luggage to look for Tom’s address.
As he had finally found it, he took some writing paper and started to write.

  ***

  »Dinner’s ready!« Zoe stood in front of the stove in her cooking apron and filled noodles with spinach on six plates.

  Tom handed the kids some lemonade and sat down at the laid table. For one week now, he had been thinking to mail the letter he had written for Luca but the week was full with appointments. Parent-teacher meetings, general meeting in the club, special actions because of announced terrorist attacks and, finally, the bad conscience Zoe talked him into when he did not spend free time with his kids. But today, he was determined to get a stamp at the post office.

  Anton leisurely shuffled into the kitchen, sorting a pile of letters. »Who wants to have the mail?«

  Penny squeaked. »I…Iiiii want…!«

  Tom gave his son a black look. »That’s not funny, Anton! Your sister is over the moon about letters and postcards and you’re kidding her.«

  »I’m not,« Anton grinned and raised a postcard. »Penny is invited to a birthday party for her friend Alicia.«

  Proud, Penny took the card with the rose bear. »I can write soon, too,« she said with deep conviction.

  »Sure, my darling!« Tom replied and pinched her chubby cheek.

  Penny grinned broadly. »I’ll start school soon.«

  »You’ve got still some time,« Benno interjected. »You’re only three, Penny! As soon as you’re six, you’ll start school.«

  “»Exactly,« Penny said and embraced her brother, »And when I’m six we go to school together.«

  »Anton, is there anything for me?« Tom asked and looked at the pile.

  »Yes.«

  »Give it to me, please!« Tom held out his hand but Anton ran away teasing him.

  Annoyed, Tom stood up. »Anton, I don’t feel like »You haven’t felt for games for a long time now, Dad! You’re boring since Luca is gone.«

  »I’m exhausted, okay? Work is very strenuous at the moment and you’re too. Give me the mail now!«

  Grudging, Anton gave him the letters.

  Tom saw through it.

  Bills, advertisements, bills, letter.

  He caught his breath.

  A letter from Australia.