by Kim Loraine
~ ~ ~
A week had passed since Alex’s invitation for Lauren to move in, and she still hadn’t been able to answer him. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to spend all her time with him. Her body yearned for his in a way she’d never experienced, but she’d been dependent on a man before, and she didn’t want to fall into that trap again.
He’d been distant, hesitant almost, as they went about their week. His words and actions hadn’t been colored with hurt or anger, just obvious caution. As she packed for their weekend away, she rolled her shoulders, trying to ease the nagging pull of the tight muscles. She’d worked a double shift to make up for the hours she’d be losing over the long weekend, and the heavy, food-laden trays had left her with stiff shoulders and an aching back.
Zipping her overnight bag, she set it on her bed and pulled her favorite Doctor Who T-shirt over her thin tank top before grabbing the spare key Alex had given her. She needed to make things right with him before they left, and if her abuela had taught her anything, it was that almost every issue could be fixed with pie.
The house was quiet as she stepped through the door. He was home, she knew that just based on the shoes in the entryway and the truck in the drive.
“Alex?”
As she rounded the corner toward his bedroom, a frown furrowed her brow. The shower wasn’t running, his room was empty. Listening carefully, no sounds came from the kitchen. Her heart swelled when she wandered into the living room and two large feet came into view hanging over the arm of the couch.
“Hey, Alex.”
He didn’t answer, and when she walked around to the front of the sofa, she saw the reason for his silence. He was sound asleep, face peaceful and calm. The slow steady breaths, mixed with the view of his stubble-shaded jaw and GBFD shirt reminded her that he’d come off a twenty-four hour shift only three hours ago. Worry crept into her mind. Was he going to be too tired for them to leave this evening as they’d originally planned? Running her fingers through his dark blond hair, she smiled when he let out a sigh.
Trying to stay as quiet as possible, she headed to the kitchen, breaking out the fixings for an apple pie. As she carefully peeled the apple slices and mixed them with cinnamon and sugar, she hummed to herself. Being here, in his home, felt right. She couldn’t deny it now. After rolling out the crust and laying it in her favorite pie plate, she mindlessly stirred the fruit on the stove. When he woke up, she was going to tell him she’d move in. Excitement filled her chest. This was so different from escaping with Dean.
The kitchen filled with the warm scent of baking pastry as she brewed herself some coffee and snagged a mug. Padding back to the living room where she’d left her purse, she stole a glance at the beautiful man still sleeping soundly on the couch. Overcome with a wave of love for him, she stood, staring until he rolled to one side and startled her. What was she doing, hovering over him like an obsessed lunatic?
Grabbing her bag, she snuck out of the room and headed back to the solitude of the kitchen. The pie had a while to bake, and the man who was supposed to help her pass the time was sleeping. Pouring her coffee, she pulled her Kindle out of her purse and wandered to the small kitchen table. A piece of paper sat at one end, pen resting at the bottom. Her heart jumped into her throat as she recognized the handwriting.
Without considering anything else, she picked up the crisp paper and scanned the words.
No. No. No. This couldn’t be true. The first line broke her heart.
Chapter 20
Rae,
Happy birthday. I don’t know what to say. You’re gone, but somehow I still have to write these fucking letters. I hate you. I fucking love you. I don’t know how to do anything without thinking about you. The other day, I went to our favorite place on the boardwalk, to try and get closure maybe, I don’t know. It’s gone. Did you know that? They tore that piece of shit place down a year ago. All I wanted was to call you and tell you. I even pulled out my phone and dialed your number. Some asshole answered and I nearly
“What are you doing? Put that down.” Alex’s angry voice startled her, even as her heart was breaking.
Turning to face him, she held the letter out with shaking hands. “Who is Rae?” She hated how small she sounded in her own ears.
His eyes blazed with defiance. “Not your business.” He held out a hand, staring her down with a hard expression on his face.
“Alex, who is she?” Even though she knew the truth, that he was the man who’d written all of those letters she held so dear, a part of her hoped he’d say he had no clue. That he’d stumbled upon this letter somehow. She wanted him to prove to her that she hadn’t unwittingly invaded his privacy for months on end.
Handing him the page, she watched the relief flood his features as he folded the sheet and tucked it into his back pocket.
“My wife.”
Her heart dropped like a stone. “But . . . her name was Roxie.”
A sad smile flitted across his face, not reaching his eyes. “It was a nickname. Those were her initials.”
Feeling sick to her stomach, she sank into the chair. “I . . . you write her letters?” She asked even though she knew the truth, that he wrote her every year on her birthday, beautiful heartfelt declarations of undying love.
“I always have. Even when she left me, I wrote her. It didn’t feel right not to this year.”
She couldn’t help it, tears spilled down her cheeks as she thought of everything she’d read in his letters, everything she’d learned about them without his knowledge, and everything she was sure to lose if she told him.
“Oh, Lauren, baby. Please don’t cry. I’m sorry I snapped at you. It’s just . . . that letter has been so hard to write. I didn’t plan on anyone seeing it.” He fell to his knees and took her hands. “It helps me to write her. I realized after we talked about her birthday that I’ve been pretending she didn’t exist instead of dealing with how angry I am. You did that. You helped me see that burying her isn’t going to make it any easier.”
Wishing she could push the words out, she stared down at earnest blue-green eyes. Tell him. Tell him now. It’ll only be worse if you don’t. Her conscience was screaming at her, but she took a steadying breath and slammed down a wall. Reaching out, she cupped his jaw in her palm and brushed the pad of her thumb over his bottom lip.
“I shouldn’t have read it. I’m sorry.” Her words shook with the emotion she was trying to contain.
Standing, he pulled her into his embrace, kissing the top of her head as he held her tightly. “Can we just forget it?”
Knowing it was the wrong choice, but not wanting to lose him just yet, she nodded against his chest and melted into his arms. “I love you. No matter what happens.” Her heart ached as she said the words, but she needed him to hear her and know. Then once she told him about the letters, hopefully he would remember.
~ ~ ~
Lauren was uncharacteristically silent as they drove to the cabin. Alex couldn’t stop himself from glancing at her every few minutes, worry eating away at him.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
She turned away from the window to look at him and smiled, but the light in her eyes was missing. “I’m fine.”
“We should be there in about ten minutes. What do you want to do first? The weather is pretty good.”
The small talk was killing him. All he really wanted was to get her in the cabin, strip her naked, and sink inside her. Not only was his need overwhelming, but he was sure making love to her would be the best way to boost her spirits and repair the damage he’d done by freaking out on her.
Shrugging, she murmured, “Whatever you want.”
Damn it. He’d really screwed this up. The last thing he’d wanted to do was start their weekend with unresolved tension.
“That pie you made smells
fucking amazing. I can’t wait to eat it.”
The corner of her mouth turned up. “I was hoping you’d like it. I don’t like the way things have been between us the last few days.”
“How have they been?”
“Tense.”
He frowned as he turned down the dirt road that led to the cabin. “No, they haven’t.”
“We’ve barely spent any time together. We haven’t slept together in almost two weeks. I mean, I know things taper off eventually, but aside from me being out of commission for a few days . . .”
Taking her hand, he pulled the car into the parking space outside of the house and turned off the engine. “Lauren, I’ve been giving you time to think. That’s what you said you wanted.”
Her wide brown eyes shimmered with tears, making a sharp pain lance his chest. He’d made her cry twice today.
“Really? I thought you were mad at me.”
“No, not at all. I jumped the gun. I’m so wrapped up in you, I forgot that we’ve got time and we don’t have to rush. With Roxie, it always felt like, if I didn’t prove to her that I was hers, she’d let me go and find someone who would. That’s not who you are. You wouldn’t manipulate me like that. We don’t have to live together. But I want to be clear about something. I’m in this one-hundred percent. I’ve only loved one other woman, and I spent fifteen years of my life with her. I don’t love easy, but when I do, I do it with everything I have.”
He watched her face for some glimmer of a reaction. Hoping to see happiness, he smiled before kissing her hand. Instead, she took a shuddering breath and nodded, pulling her hand free of his grip and stepping out of the truck. Fuck. How was he going to fix this?
She wouldn’t look him in the eye as he pulled their bags out of the bed of the truck, and as he led them inside the cozy cabin, frustration ate away at his resolve. By the time he’d shown her to their small bedroom, his fingers itched to be buried in her hair and his lips burned to kiss her until she forgot why she was upset.
“This is fucking ridiculous. What did I do? I don’t know how to make this better. You have to tell me.” Raking his hands through his hair, he stood in front of the doorway, blocking her exit.
“It’s fine, Alex. You didn’t do anything.”
“The hell it is. You’re barely looking at me.” Taking her chin between his fingers, he tilted her face so she had to look at him. “Do you want me to take you home?”
Fear churned in his belly as he waited for her answer. Those long lashes of hers fluttered as she blinked up at him, indecision flickering in her dark irises.
“No.” The response was pained, confusing him even more.
Desperation clawed at his chest as he tried to work out how a simple misunderstanding could have resulted in a chasm this large developing between them. He was losing her and he didn’t understand why or how.
“I don’t want to leave. I just want to love you and forget everything else. Can we do that?” she asked, the deep sadness in her eyes unmistakable.
Grabbing hold of the thread of opportunity she offered, he steadied himself, needing to show her exactly why she couldn’t leave him. His hands encircled her waist as he lifted her so she could wrap her legs around his hips. Crushing his lips to hers, he moaned against her mouth. “Yes. Fuck, yes. If you want, we’ll never leave this fucking bed. Anything you want, Lauren. Just tell me.”
“I want you.”
Tossing her on the bed, he tugged at the soft fabric of her leggings. “You have me. Now let me show you exactly how I feel about you.”
~ ~ ~
Hours later he lay with her limbs entwined with his, her soft hair flowing across his chest in waves of dark chocolate. It had never been like this with Roxie. No desperation, or fear it wouldn’t work out, no blazing passion that threatened to burn them both. They’d always just seemed inevitable, as though the idea of the two of them being together was a given. He knew she’d come back, and she knew he’d wait for her. But this . . . his love for Lauren was already so deeply engrained in his heart it was like she’d been made for him. Like she was the missing piece made to fix his brokenness. That was why the realization that she could leave him, that he could lose her, made him feel ill. He didn’t think he’d recover from losing her. Because if she left, she’d do it with good reason, and she wouldn’t come back.
Sliding his fingers over the bare skin of her arm, he hummed softly in her ear, “Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.”
Her hand came up and batted him away. “Mmm, stop it. I’m comfy.”
“Come on, do I need to kiss you awake like in the story?”
“Sleeping Beauty spent all of her story waiting for someone to rescue her. She literally slept her life away for a hundred years until a handsome prince decided to kiss her lips and wake her up.”
Laughter bubbled up in his chest. “I didn’t say I was going to kiss you on the lips.”
Her eyes went wide and her face brightened with the first truthful smile he’d seen all day. “You’re a bad boy, Alex Oliver.”
Nodding, he slid down the bed and spread her legs. “Indeed. Go back to sleep so I can wake you up like the dashing hero I am.”
When his tongue touched her sensitive flesh, she groaned, “Oh, goodness.”
He was going to hold up his end of the bargain. They were only leaving the bed in the event of risk of starvation or an act of God.
Chapter 21
With the holiday behind them, Lauren and Alex had spent the last week reveling in each other, lost to the love between them. Even so, the heavy burden of Alex’s connection to the letters was an ever present thing as Lauren continued to avoid telling him the truth. As she stared down at her manuscript, tears filled her eyes. The story was so moving, especially knowing the truth of their tragic end. Could she really let it lie?
Pulling out her phone, she scrolled to the one contact she knew would give her a straight answer.
“Hey, big bitch.” Chassity’s voice was filled with amusement.
Rolling her eyes, Lauren set the phone on her desk and put the call on speaker as she moved past her sister’s greeting. “Hi, Chas.”
“Haven’t heard from you in a while. How’s that sexy fireman of yours?”
“That’s what I was calling about.”
“Oh, did you guys break up already? I swear, you’re a hard woman to please if you kicked that man out of your bed.”
“No, but . . .”
“I mean, unless he made some douchebag move and fucked you over. Then . . . I’ll be down there kicking his ass.”
Laughing, Lauren pulled her legs up, wrapping her arms around her knees. “No butt-kicking necessary. But thanks.”
“So, what’s going on?”
“You remember the book I said I finished writing?”
“The letter book?”
“Yeah. Well, he’s the one. He wrote all of the letters.”
“Shut the fuck up.”
Tears sprung to her eyes as she thought of the heart-wrenching honesty in the words he’d written. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Are you kidding me? You’ve got to tell him.”
“Chas, it’s so personal. I don’t know if I can do that.”
Her sister took a breath, held it, and blew it out. “That’s seriously fucked up. I mean, you wrote a book about him and his dead wife. Damn, Lo. You sure know how to pick ‘em.”
“Not helpful.”
“Well, you could always delete the book. Just don’t ever tell him you read the letters.”
An uneasy feeling took hold in her gut at Chassity’s suggestion. Was a lie of omission as bad as an invasion of privacy?
“Maybe. Gosh, that book took me so long to write. What if I never write anything as good as that?”
Chas
sity snorted. “You will. You’ve done it once, that’s the hard part. My friend Jenn is a published author with ten books under her belt. She’s always got something going on in her head.”
“Hmm . . .” Lauren trailed off as she considered her options.
“Do you love him?”
“What?”
“The only reason to be so upset about this is if you love him. If you were just screwing around, then you wouldn’t be so affected.”
Clearing her throat, Lauren said, “I do. I really do. It’s never been like this before. I’ve never been able to see past a few months down the road. But with Alex, I see it all. Gray hair, grandkids, family vacations. I see an entire life.”
“Shit. That is serious. Okay, then you need to consider what finding out about your snooping would do to him. Sometimes love is more complicated than right and wrong. The blurred line in the middle makes it a tricky battlefield to navigate.”
Sighing, Lauren stood and paced the room while her sister continued talking. “Give it a few days, sleep on it. Don’t rush into anything. You could always send me a copy of the book to keep safe for you.”
“No way. You’d read it and the next time you see him you’d accidentally mention how amazing he is on paper.”
“True. I suck at filtering myself.”
As she twirled a lock of hair around her index finger over and over, she waited for Chassity to make a decision for her. It never happened. Instead, they hung up, promising to check in soon.
Her phone buzzed in her hand, making her jump.
I can’t wait to see you tomorrow morning. I’ll be home by nine as long as my shift ends on time. Be waiting in my bed . . . preferably naked.
Alex’s words sent a flood of arousal through her. Oh, the things he knew how to coax from her body. No one had ever treated her with such care.