by ROD HARLEY
After dwelling on Shannon for a few minutes, I moved on to thoughts of Josh and Stacey’s failed marriage. It seemed more like a grand illusion now. A master magic trick by David Copperfield.
I thought about Perkins and all his shenanigans. Simone, Michelle, and even my man Raoul, who was still doing his best gigolo impersonation. For all his talk about being a pimp I knew he only does what he does to protect himself. I knew this because I used to do the same thing. By limiting my interest in women to that of a purely sexual nature I was able to spare my heart the pain that almost always accompanies real emotional commitment. I knew Raoul would eventually just like me and millions of men before me have, tire of his playboy lifestyle and begin to yearn for something deeper and more meaningful.
I placed both of my hands against the black and cream checkered tile that lined the walls of my shower, caught a mouth full of water, swished it from one side of my mouth to the other and spit it out at my feet. The shower was filled with steam, like a sauna with the temperature gauge stuck on high.
I felt lost. Like I was stranded in a desert of emotional and mental confusion. All of the previously mentioned events had somehow contributed to my convoluted state of mind. All of those people had played a role. But combined the effect they’d had on me paled in comparison to how I have been affected by my strained relationship with Toya.
My relationship with Toya was almost non-existent. We weren’t even meeting for lunch anymore. Things had changed between us seemingly overnight. And to think that I didn’t want to get romantically involved with her because I was afraid it would change our relationship. Talk about messed up irony. Now she has this guy Malcolm all up in her shit, cock blocking me. The whole thing is all screwed up.
I should have just hooked up with her back when she first proposed we get together. Forget about what had happened with Michelle and me. It’s not like I had to have sex with Toya right away. I could have held off on that for a while until the whole thing with Michelle was out of my system. Besides, Toya wasn’t just going to let me jump in her panties right off the bat like that anyway. But, there was no benefit to dwelling on what ifs. What I needed to do was figure out what I was going to do to change it.
I climbed out of the shower and grabbed my towel off of the rack. After drying, I slipped into my bathrobe, walked over to my bed and stretched out. I planned to catch a little bit of sleep before Toya arrived. God knows I didn’t get much last night.
Chapter 14
I was awakened from my sleep by the repeated buzzing of my intercom. I sat up in the bed and ran my hand over my head. A quick glance at my alarm clock made clear that my nap had went into overtime. With it also came the knowledge that the serial buzzer was probably Toya. It was twenty minutes after five. I jumped out of the bed and scrambled over to the intercom on the wall near the entrance to the bathroom.
“Hello, who is it?” I shouted into the speaker. My voice carried all of the frantic excitement I had built up in me. I waited for a response that never came. I pushed the button again. “Hello, somebody there?” I asked my voice panicked. The last thing I needed was for that to have been Toya buzzing, and have her leave thinking I had stood her up or worse was ignoring her.
I broke out in a brisk walk towards the cordless phone sitting on the nightstand next to my bed. I was about to grab the phone when the buzzer on the intercom started going off again. I dashed back over to it and pushed the talk button.
“Who is it?” I glanced at the monitor.
“It’s me.” It was Toya. I exhaled and pushed the buzzer to let her into my building. On my way down the stairs from the loft to open the front door of my apartment it suddenly dawned on me that I had never bothered to get dressed after my shower. I was ass-naked under my robe and ashier than a brother after a long dip in a chlorine-filled swimming pool.
At the front door I wrapped my robe tightly around my waist and used the belt to tie it into place. I unlocked the front door and strolled into the kitchen. I was grabbing a glass from the cupboard when I heard Toya knocking on the door.
“It’s open,” I called out. Things had definitely changed between Toya and me. I had grown accustomed to her just barging into my apartment like she was paying rent. Her knocking and waiting for me to invite her in was a sure sign of the difference in our relationship.
I had poured half a glass of water and was putting the jug back into the refrigerator when Toya stepped into my apartment. I shut the refrigerator door and raised the glass to my mouth. I glanced over at Toya.
She was a sight for sore eyes. She had her hair pulled back into a ponytail, with some baggy blue jeans, a white Malcolm X T-shirt and sandals. I finished off the glass of water and placed the empty glass in the sink. Toya walked over to the sofa and sat down, crossing her legs and leaning on her thigh with her elbow. I walked slowly into the living room and sat down next to her. She looked like she was feeling at least as uncomfortable as I was. I was nervous; like a schoolboy getting ready to kiss his crush for the very first time.
Toya kept her eyes peeled to the floor in front of her while I opted to stare at the blank television screen. The dead air was starting to suffocate me and I needed to have the silence between us broken. I turned to Toya and asked: “did you get your work finished?” She nodded confirmation, electing not to offer any words, never even taking her eyes off the floor. I glanced at her briefly before returning my gaze to the television screen. Toya began bouncing her leg. I was desperate for some conversation. “How’s everything with you and Malcolm?” Toya’s bouncing leg stopped moving. She looked over at me, her uneasiness evident in her expression.
“We’re still friends,” she finally answered. I glanced off into the ceiling. That wasn’t the response I wanted to hear. “It’s been a while since I’ve been over here.” I tried to mask my discomfort with a smile.
“Yeah, it’s been a hot minute.”
“I went to Manndal’s earlier this week for dinner.” I thought about asking her who she went with but I decided against it. I figured I probably wouldn’t like that answer either. Chances are she went with Malcolm.
“Did you have the chicken salad again?” She chuckled.
“Believe it or not I had the T-bone steak.” I looked over at her surprised. We both burst out laughing.
“It’s about time you stop fronting and order some real food.” Toya sat back on the sofa and relaxed, I turned my body to face her.
“Where’s your remote?” She asked looking around the living room.
“Look under the Ebony magazine right there,” I said pointing to the previous month’s issue sitting on the coffee table. Toya picked up the magazine and sure enough there was the remote. She turned on the television and began flipping through the channels.
For a minute there it was beginning to feel like old times. Like things were back to normal between us. I knew we would still have to discuss what had transpired between us the last couple of months. We both had questions we needed to have answered before we could begin the process of repairing our relationship. But for now I was just happy to have Toya back in my apartment and hopefully my life. I looked over at her as she continued channel surfing. She was right back trying to run my shit like it was hers. Acting like her name was on the lease. A slow nostalgic smile crept over my face.
“There’s nothing on television worth watching,” Toya said. I reached over and took the remote from her hand and turned the TV off.
“Let’s go for a drive.”
“Who’s driving?”
“I’ll drive as always.”
“Okay, where are we going?”
“I don’t know, wherever. Let’s just get in the truck and see where we end up.”
“Okay,” Toya agreed. I jumped up off the sofa and headed towards the stairs.
“I’m going to throw on some clothes right quick and then we can leave.” Toya nodded and turned her attention back to the television. She reached over, picked up the remote and turned it on. I
could hear her skipping through the channels as I slung my robe on the bed and walked into my closet to pick out something to wear.
We were pulling out of the parking garage when Toya suggested we ride by Archer Park. I quickly agreed figuring it would provide a relaxed atmosphere for Toya and me to discuss the issues between us.
The park was damn near deserted when we arrived, except for the few people jogging, rollerblading and walking their dogs around the paved walkway that encircled the entire lake. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon and usually Archer Park would be full of weekend worshippers who had just left church, confessing the week’s sins, fully intent on repeating them during the upcoming week. For whatever reason, today they were nowhere to be found.
We found a parking spot near the restrooms. I bought two Coke’s from the soda machine and we began a slow leisurely stroll around the lake. About five minutes into our walk I turned to Toya.
“So I guess you like this Malcolm dude a little?”
“Yeah, Malcolm is a nice guy. I haven’t been out with someone who I enjoyed spending time with like I do with him in a long time,” she answered briefly glancing over at me before looking away. The thought of her enjoying spending time with someone else was unsettling. I looked down at the sidewalk as we continued our stroll.
“What about you, are you seeing anyone?” I thought about her question. Hearing how much she enjoyed her time with Malcolm made me want to lie and say that I was.
“Nah, well unless you want to count Raoul.” Toya laughed. I guess I could have left it at that but I felt the need to rid my conscience of all its nuances. I wanted a clean slate between Toya and me. “I have been out on a couple of dates,” I continued. Toya didn’t show any noticeable reaction to my statement. We were at the halfway point on our walk around the lake when I spotted an empty bench close to the water. It was the same bench where I realized for the first time that I was in love with Shannon. Bitter memories churned within me. I exhaled and returned my thoughts to Toya.
“So?” She asked prodding me to expand on my dating thing.
“So, I went on a couple of dates and that’s it.” Toya gave me a suspicious once over.
“That’s it?”
“Pretty much. They were both cool but-” I stopped mid-sentence.
“But what?” I stopped walking and turned to face Toya. I reached out and took her hand as she gazed into my eyes.
“But, it wouldn’t have worked. I’m in love with someone else.” Toya turned and started walking away; I held her hand and pulled her back towards me. We were face to face again and I continued. “It wouldn’t have worked because I’m in love with you.” She walked over and sat on the grass near the water’s edge. I followed her over and sat down next to her.
Toya seemed to be struggling with her thoughts. For some reason I felt as clearheaded and calm as I had been in a long time. I wasn’t experiencing any stressful feelings or thoughts. It was a welcome change.
“I don’t expect you to give up your friendship with Malcolm right now. I don’t want you to. I can tell that you like him and he seems like a nice guy. You owe it to yourself to see if that works out for you.” I couldn’t believe I was giving Toya my blessings to go out with another dude. Even when I was dating Shannon I would never have done that. Even then I wanted Toya all to myself. And I wasn’t even trying to hook up with her then. “I know that you will eventually realize just like I did, that you and I were meant to be.” I thought I saw a slight smile on Toya’s face. If it was there, it quickly disappeared.
“Why did you wait until I got involved with someone else? Why didn’t you come at me like this when we first talked about us hooking up?” I gazed out across the lake. I could feel her eyes on me awaiting my response.
“Probably for the same reason you waited until I told you that Shannon was pregnant to tell me how you felt about me.” Toya’s eyes left my face and found the green grass in front of her. “I guess sometimes it takes the threat of losing someone to make you realize how much he or she means to you. To make you want to fight to keep them.” Toya’s face bore her agreement. She stood up and faced me staring right into my eyes.
“Did you have sex with any of them?” She caught me off guard and I impulsively started to lie. But then I realized that if I wanted to start over, truly start over, I would have to begin by telling the truth regardless of the consequences. I just hoped the end result wouldn’t cause me to regret my decision to tell all. I looked away from her down at my feet. I started to answer but Toya cut me off.
“You know what, don’t, even bother to answer that, I don’t even care.” Her tone betrayed her words. She did care, but she had already gotten her answer. My inability to maintain eye contact told her everything she needed to know. In the past I would have viewed this as her letting me off the hook. But I was experiencing a streak of honesty and felt compelled to confess.
“I had sex with one of them.” Toya shook her head and looked away. I stood up and dusted off the back of my pants.
“What about the other one?” I wasn’t quite sure how to categorize what happened between Simone and me. Although we didn’t have intercourse, what happened in that room between her and me was definitely sexual. My hand could vouch for that.
“No, well, not really,” I stuttered. Toya looked pissed. I tried to explain. “We didn’t have intercourse but we got into it some.” It was the best that I could do. So far this being truthful thing was not working to my advantage. Toya was becoming visibly more agitated with every piece of truth I offered. She folded her arms and turned her back to me. I just stood there staring at the back of her head waiting for her to say something…anything.
The five minutes or so that passed between us felt more like five hours. I walked over and put my hand on her shoulder.
“I’m sorry.” Toya shook her head and exhaled.
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for. We’re not in a relationship; we were barely even speaking to each other. It’s not like I was sitting at home doing nothing. I was…am dating Malcolm.” Oh so now you’re dating him. Up until now you and Malcolm were just friends. I swallowed hard and resisted the urge to ask her just how far things had gone between her and Malcolm. I quickly realized that I did not want to know the answer to that question. It’s a lose lose situation. If she were to tell me they have not had sex I probably wouldn’t believe her. And if she were to tell me that they did have sex, well let’s just say I don’t think I would be able to handle it, regardless of what things were like between us at the time. Some things you are better off not knowing. I again started having reservations about my earlier confessions.
“I didn’t expect you to wait around for me,” she continued turning to face me.
After a few minutes had passed we re-embarked on our stroll around Lake Archer. As we walked in silence I struggled to control my wild involuntary visions of Toya and Malcolm having sex in a myriad of sexual positions and exotic locations. Her face was always contorted and impassioned as if she was in a utopia of ecstasy. Again I had to fight hard to resist the urge to ask her about it.
By the time we reached the car I had rid myself of the nightmarish pornographic visions of Toya and Malcolm. I was again feeling relaxed. I opened the door for Toya and walked around to the driver’s side. Toya reached over and opened the door for me, just as she always did. I climbed in and turned to her.
“I know you don’t expect me to but I plan to wait for as long as it takes.” She ran her hands through her curls and gazed out of the window away from me. I stuck my keys in the ignition, started the engine, and pulled out of our parking spot. I didn’t want or expect a response from her. I was just letting her know that I was in it for the long haul, and I did not plan to lose her to Malcolm or anyone else for that matter. Not without a fight.
When we pulled into my apartment parking garage Toya pulled her keys from her front pocket and I knew that meant that she was not planning to come upstairs. I didn’t want her to. A
fter all we had discussed and confessed this afternoon I needed some time to myself to sort it all out. I figured Toya probably needed to be alone with her thoughts as well.
I walked her to her car where we hugged each other warmly. She kissed me lightly on the lips leaving me longing for more. I ran my fingers over my lips, closed my eyes and tasted the traces of her lipstick as her car turned the corner and headed down the exit ramp out of the garage. I turned and walked slowly towards the elevator. The solitude my apartment provided would be a welcome change from the party atmosphere of this weekend at Raoul’s. I planned to stretch out, relax, clear my mind, and get ready for the upcoming week.
I was sitting at my desk looking over the paperwork on a deal I was trying to put together for one of my new clients. It wasn’t as big as the Intellica deal but it was still pretty lucrative. With all the problems in my personal life, I was glad that my business was still booming. In fact it had never been better.
Calango is having a party on Wednesday night to officially announce and celebrate the acquisition of Intellica, and my girl Michelle is flying in from Seattle to attend the celebration. I’m looking forward to seeing her. Although we talk on the phone a couple of times a week and text each other on a daily basis, it’s not the same as seeing someone in person.
Michelle and I have evolved into really good friends. I tell her all about my feelings for Toya and she tries her best to give me advice on what to do. She even admitted to me that she was in fact bisexual after all. She is happily involved with a Korean girl named Mae-Lin out in Seattle. I’ve spoken to her a couple of times when I called over there to talk to Michelle. It’s a safe bet that nothing would happen between Michelle and me if we hung out again. At any rate we made plans to meet up at the party.
I was finishing up looking over the paperwork when Debbie buzzed in to inform me that there was someone waiting to see me. I glanced down at my appointment book. I didn’t have anyone scheduled until later this afternoon.