by Luna Maye
Pulling her knees up to her chest, she felt the tender strands of her control shred to precious bits and pieces as she cried. Silent streaming tears slipped down her cheeks and her head ached uncontrollably as she let every little aspect of the day wash away in her grief — for her dad, her memories, the only life she’d ever known, for the danger to the life of her unborn child and finally for herself. It all flooded through her in a torrent of volatile emotions before she surrendered to a restless sleep.
16
Shelli
A gentle, sage-smelling breeze and a light sprinkling of rain on a tin roof roused Shelli from her slumber, her hand sprawling out and smacking her wrist on the full bottle of wine tangled up in the sheets beside her. She pulled back and scrubbed her hands down her face, stifling a groan at the thought of what a ridiculous picture she made the evening before.
She sat up cautiously, her head still a little heavy but altogether much better.
Her muscles were stiff and sore, her eyes a little scratchy and bleary from a good cry, but she felt more prepared to face the day today. No fear edged around the outskirts of her wakefulness the way it had in the hospital and the purity of the air around her made her ready to move out into the unknown. The clock on her bedside table read 10:15, the morning shower dying off a little outside her window. She resisted the urge to snuggle back under her light blankets and relish the soft sheets against her skin.
A rumble in her stomach reminded her of the missed dinner the night before as she peered around the room. The framed photos on her walls felt more familiar than yesterday and something about the way her sheets smelled helped the room feel more like home. She caught sight of a small, plain leather booklet on her side table and let out a breathless gasp. It read ‘Journal’ across the top, with well-worn edges and a pen clipped about thirty pages in.
Scuttling over to the side of the bed, she stretched her fingers out as far as she could, doing a happy little victory wiggle when she felt her hand connect with the spine of the booklet, pulling it closer to her face.
Just as she opened the first page, she felt something shift on the other side of the bed. Her wiggling dislodged the wine bottle from the indentation in the mattress where she’d slept and sent it rolling slowly toward the precipice at the edge of the bed. She quickly stuffed the journal under her pillow and dove across the expanse of comforter with the mountain range of pillows strewn through the middle, her fingers just missing the bottle as it toppled over the edge.
Instead of the loud clanking or glass shattering sound she expected, the bottle landed with a hard thunk and a loud grunt over the side of the bed. She crawled further toward the side, shifting up on her knees and gripping the edges of the comforter to see Cal, laying on his back alongside her bed, his head propped up on a lumpy pillow, his legs blanketed by a giant, slumbering white fluffy dog and the bottle of wine balanced precariously across the ridges of his abdomen. He glowered up at her, his grumpy, rumpled morning glare meeting her sleepy sheepish gaze as he looked to investigate what plopped down on his stomach.
“Is this…wine?” His voice was gruff and gravelly with sleep, his hair mussed and tufts of white hair clung tightly to his blanket as he struggled to sit up. He looked so cozy and adorable on the floor with the dog, it was hard not to soften toward him, her heart opening just a tiny bit, knowing he didn’t want to leave her alone, even though she was sleeping. His quizzical stare interrupted her reverie and reminded her of the question at hand.
“Ohhh… well that’s my favorite kind and it was the only thing familiar I could find so…”
“So you brought it in here and cuddled it like a teddy bear?” The laugh lines etching the corners of his pale pink lips deepened as he smiled up at her, genuine humor crinkling in his eyes.
His cheeks pulled high and ohmygod, he has a dimple? That isn’t even fair. His slow grin steadily transformed into a deep belting laugh as he chuckled and shook on the floor, Andy startling at his feet and bouncing up, surprised by his human pillow shaking with mirth. The poor dog looked so betrayed and confused, Shelli couldn’t help but laugh along with Cal, tears squeaking out the edges of her scrunched-up cheeks, washing away the crusty grime left over from the night before. She flopped back onto her pillow and held her belly, the shaking causing her to need to pee like a mother and to finally understand the meaning of the phrase.
“I’ve got to pee, stop making me laugh,” She was just about to force herself to the bathroom when a rough growl sounded from the bedside and Cal launched himself over the edge of the bed, tickling her sides and roughly scraping his beard where her neck met her shoulder, growling and nipping like a wild beast as she shrieked with laughter.
“Stop it, stop it! Your child is squishing my bladder, and it’s not even that big yet. I’m gonna pee myself!” Cal brought himself up abruptly, pride shining in his eyes at her acknowledgement of him as the father of their child. He buried his face in her neck again, this time wrapping his ropey, muscular arms fully around her body and squeezing her up against his chest in a tight, warm embrace. She sighed, breathing in the warm, musky smell of his body wash. He must have showered after helping Victor the night before, but soon her pressing need for the bathroom forced her to break away and trudge toward the hall.
“When I get back, you’re going to have coffee ready and explain to me where that giant dog came from.”
“First, you don’t want me here and then you’re chucking bottles of wine at me and asking for favors. Make up your mind, woman.” Cal grumbled under his breath as he gathered up his blankets and got the dog ready to leave the room, but just as he turned, she caught the small smile still propping up the lone dimple in his left cheek, and she sighed a little as she walked in and shut the bathroom door.
Shelli took care of her business in the bathroom, her legs and arms aching as she moved. Deciding a shower was much needed; she started up the water almost as hot as she could stand. Plucking a shower cap from her towel rack, she pulled it over her bandage and pushed her hair up into it. Her normally auburn strands were dark and stringy from the days before but she didn’t feel confident in her ability to wash it on her own just yet without messing up her bandages. The soap in her shower smelled pleasant enough but unfamiliar and the water itself was heavenly against her sore muscles and dirty skin. She took her time getting clean, until at last her legs ached from standing and she stepped out, toweling off with a pale Aztec print towel on her rack and wrapping herself up in a fluffy robe hanging from the back of the door. At least her penchant for large fluffy bath linens hadn’t faded over the years.
When she exited the door, the white pup was sitting patiently on the other side, smiling up at her with a goofy doggy grin, while her other male houseguest came up from behind him in the kitchen, carrying a steaming cup of tea and a plate with a large Danish.
“This is Mina and Victor’s dog, Andy. They wanted some alone time when I left last night, and I figured he might help you feel more at ease.” He scuffed up the dog’s fur at the nape of his neck, smiling down at him affectionately.
“I made you some tea instead of coffee since you’re not supposed to have the caffeine. While you were sleeping last night, I did some baby research.”
She accepted the plate and cup gratefully, moving past the guys into the living room, sinking down onto the couch before Andy lay down contentedly at her feet. Pulling her legs underneath her, she perched her plate on her knees as Cal settled in to the easy chair across from her.
“Thank you for the breakfast, or I guess, brunch at this hour.” She kind of sheepishly raised her eyes over her glass at that. She didn’t typically sleep late, but she figured it was probably warranted after a traumatic accident.
“You’re very welcome. I’m sorry you didn’t get dinner last night, but you were sleeping so soundly when we got back that I didn’t want to wake you.” Cal just reach over, gently gripping her knee with his hand reassuringly. “You look a lot better today than you did in the
hospital. Are you feeling better?”
“I think so, I wasn’t scared today when I woke up, and I did sleep really well. I think that helped the most. Am I okay to get my head wet anytime soon? Dry shampoo can only help for so long.” She bumped her messy bun illustratively with her hands, still not feeling completely clean without washing the grime from her hair.
“I’ll help you wash it tonight if you want. I’ve done it for my grandmother before.”
She smiled a little at that, picturing Cal’s thick hands and muscular arms washing a grandmother’s hair was an image she couldn’t quite reconcile. Thinking about his gentleness with her and with Andy, she picked up the Danish on her plate to hide her smile, taking a large bite of the cinnamon apple pastry. A burst of flavor hit her tongue and she moaned loudly.
“Ohmygod, this is so good. Don’t tell me I made this?!”
Cal’s eyebrows shot up at her groaning sounds, and he smiled knowingly as he watched her enjoy her breakfast. “I told you they were good. Mina said you made that batch just before you went on your trip four days ago. Thankfully, you packed a few away in the freezer to keep fresh. I’m glad you’re eating something, you were losing weight so fast in the hospital.”
“Ugh. I’m surprised I don’t weigh a thousand pounds if I can cook like this.” She munched on her pastry quickly until it was just a few crumbs on the plate, which she let Andy lick off since he’d looked so forlorn at her enjoying something edible without him.
“Speaking of jobs, what are we doing today? Or, you doing today? Do you need to get back to work…or?”
Cal smiled calmly at her, not seeming to mind the rapid-fire questions or her uneasy shifting back and forth on the couch. She twiddled her thumbs a little, nervously trying not to fidget and failing miserably as she waited for his response.
“I started trying to rework my schedule to have more time off after I met you, so I have a more relaxed calendar this fall, and I’m off the next few days at least.”
She didn’t want to feel so excited that he’d be able to stay with her during the day. Despite her pleas for space she felt just a little bit safer, more comfortable, with him around.
“As for today, we’re going to spend it resting around here until this afternoon. Then we’ll take a quick trip into town so you can check on your shop, maybe jog some memories, and after that Isabel and Mina have claimed your evening for a hot tub girls’ date. I’m not invited to that one.” He pouted a little, his smooth lips pushing out ridiculously and his eyebrows wiggling a little.
“I’ll hang out with Victor for a while then, we didn’t quite finish all of the mechanic-ing we needed to last night.”
“You sound like a man with a plan, but what are we going to do while we ‘rest’ here. I already slept like fifteen hours.”
“Well first, I’m going to turn on a movie — of your choice of course — and then we’re breaking out either Battleship or Uno, you have a surprising amount of board games in your closet.”
Shelli sighed as she considered which movie to choose. It was clear from the stubborn set of his jaw that there’d be no arguing with him and she had to admit the idea of a lazy day where she didn’t have to think too hard about the missing pieces of her current life, sounded like a good idea. She smiled back at Cal, leaning down to give Andy a belly scratch and inviting the dog up on the couch beside her to cuddle during the movie.
“How do you feel about Fools Rush In?”
17
Shelli
No matter how many stops they made during the day, when Cal rushed around the front of his jeep to help her down with the clasp of a warm hand and an eye alight chivalrous attention, she never got comfortable with the gesture. There weren’t even doors on the jeep for him to open for Christ’s sake.
The first time it happened, her initial wariness about him melted a little, watching his lanky gate as he shuffled around the grill of the jeep. After a time though, the action began to grate on her.
It wasn’t that she disliked the actual act or the intention behind it — she was a strong woman in her own right but she could still appreciate gentlemanly gestures. The problem came when Cal’s lilting gait, muscular build and strong profile began to spark something familiar at the edges of her consciousness. It was reminiscent of trying to remember the name of an actor in a movie ten years after watching. She felt like she knew him, but not from where, or when or how or in what context. Just blank.
And it didn’t help that he kept looking at her with such pure-hearted hope and expectation. It was subtle, and she could tell he was desperately trying to rein himself in around her in light of the last few days, but the gaping hole where her memory should be made her feel like a failure, a disappointment.
Every little move she made, he looked to her as if lightning would suddenly strike and all of the missing information she so desperately wanted to access would magically return. Unlocking her shop, tying on her apron, measuring flour, flinging flour all over the kitchen with the super-sized mixture, exploding vats of yeasty dough — everything resulted in an expectant look from his direction and subsequently, disappointment. She just couldn’t take it anymore.
When Cal lifted her out of the vehicle with a gentle helping hand, the jarring impact of her feet on solid ground jostled her head and she pressed a cool palm against her forehead seeking some relief.
“Shells, are you okay? Do you need anything?” With a furrow of his brow and a soft hand to her shoulder, he was the picture of profound concern — and she could not stand one more second of all the coddling.
Turning away from him she made it as far as the door before he descended on her again, touching her head and asking questions and she turned around, pressing a hand to his chest and pushing herself back against the solid comfort of the door.
“I’m fine, Cal. I just need a minute.” She willed him to see how much she was hurting — physically and mentally — and to respect her space. “You’ve got to get over to Victor’s anyway, right?” Hoping her grimace-like smile was enough to set him at ease, she braved direct eye contact and was relieved to see warm understanding and care in his eyes, replacing the earlier regret. Instead of encouraging her, his gentle assessment of her needs made her feel like crumbling even more, and she gripped the doorknob behind her as tightly as she was clinging to her sanity.
“I understand, Shells. I’ve put you through a lot today, all those board games and kitchen duty were no joke.” He smiled at her, so warm and patient it hurt, and she could feel herself slipping even more deeply into the despair plaguing her. She just hoped this kind, warm man in front of her couldn’t see the extent of it, or else he’d never leave.
“I’ll go put this dough in the main kitchen so we can break it out later after you guys get done in the hot tub. Victor and I should be back in time to get the food ready — that is if we can be trusted not to burn anything.” He gently tipped her chin up, forcing her squirming to cease and her eyes to meet his.
“I know today was hard but, baby girl, I am so proud of you. You’re so strong and resilient and you’ve taken all of this in stride. Just days ago I was worried I would have to spend the rest of my life without you. Even if you never remember any of it, just your presence here is enough — for me, for Mina and Isabel and all the other girls. If you need a break or more rest, just let us know. You don’t have to be so strong all the time, not for us.”
She nodded softly, unable to speak. When he leaned in and kissed her lightly on the smooth, un-bandaged side of her forehead she felt the first heated tear escape the corner of her eye and she escaped inside.
Locking the door behind her and forcefully stripping off her clothes on the way to the bathroom, she told herself she had to hold it together until she got into the shower. Under the quiet anonymity of the heated spray she could let go of the tension plaguing her neck and drop the strong exterior she’d erected after the accident.
Turning the nob for the shower and pulling her hair back, she jum
ped right in as soon as the water was bearable, only to realize that since she couldn’t get her hair wet — especially after Cal had so graciously washed it earlier— she couldn’t stand under the spray and let the water mix with her tears in earnest.
She couldn’t even take a sad shower correctly. And that realization led her to cry in earnest — huge, hot, hysteric tears that bled down her face as she leaned her head against the cool tile at the back of the shower. There she remained, until she heard the front door open forty-five minutes later and Mina found her in the exact same position, wrung out from her tears. The formidable woman stepped inside the bath, felt the cool spray coming from the shower and pulled her out without another word. And it was a good thing — Shelli’s tenuous control over her emotions could not yet handle another well-meaning comment.
Silently, Mina wrapped her in her robe and pulled her back into the bedroom, setting them both up against the headboard. And there she held her, quietly stroking her hair back from her face as they settled, the way her mom used to do when she was sick with the flu.
“You’re gonna be a great mom, you know?” The words came out husky and thick with the effects of her long day and even longer pity party, but she had to voice the words. She would want someone to express the same sentiment to her one-day.
“So are you, Shells. You were made for this.” Mina kept up the soft, silent rhythm against her scalp, but Shelli’s anxiety kicked into over-drive once again.
“How can I be great at anything, great for anyone, if I don’t know who I am?” And there it was, her most vulnerable thought. The one thing her brain echoed over and over again in the emptiness of her memory.
“The first time we met, we were both in very compromising positions. I knew what I was walking into was a dire situation, but I didn’t expect to see so many empty-eyed women. They were all skinny and dirty and many so completely dependent on drugs that I knew there would be no turning back. Every pair of eyes I met made me feel more hopeless and more alone. Until I saw you.