Fix Up

by Stephanie Witter

  He blushes a faint pink and clears his throat before he moves a little on his chair. He’s embarrassed too, obviously. It’s really not like talking to a doctor with him. I play a little with my wild, frizzy hair. “And don’t you think he’s right? I’m sure he thinks you want him to touch you to prove something to yourself.”

  A tear falls, but I don’t dry my cheek. I just keep my eyes locked on the clear blue ones facing me. “So tell me why he was flirting today with a girl when he knew I could see him? Tell me why he didn’t look when I left the class, but talked to her and laughed with her? Tell me why he didn’t call me or text me?”

  Dr. Marshall’s Adam’s apple jumps twice. He looks down at his pad and runs a hand on his soft jaw. “Do you think he’s cheating on you?”

  “No, but I think he’s looking for something. He’s not ready for us to be together like I thought he was.” The hurt in my voice is awful for me to hear. It reminds me so much of how I sounded back then. Why can’t I heal with Duke? I don’t want to do all of this without him.

  “Are you going to question him about this girl?”

  “Should I?”

  Dr. Marshall smiles softly. “I’m just your psychologist. I don’t know Duke besides what you tell me about him, so I can’t tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. But I can tell you to do the thing that will help you to move forward in your life. If you think you should talk again with Duke, do it. If you think you need some time to assess the situation, take some time.”

  “Do you think it’s possible for a couple to stay together when the girl has been sexually assaulted?”

  He ponders my question a few seconds, his clear blue eyes never leaving my face. “I think it’s difficult, but I also know it is possible. I’m sure Duke knows how lucky he is to have you, and I can’t imagine a man doing something to lose you.”

  Silence falls between us, my words fail me. His clear blue eyes don’t waver, his lips are not turned up in a smile, he’s not moving a muscle. His attention, concern and words are soothing; they warm me.

  He clears his throat, and we resume our talk. Whatever it was, it’s over.

  ***

  SKYE

  I shouldn’t be going to his room when I’m this emotional, but I find myself walking to Duke’s room less than an hour after the meeting with my psychologist. My heart beats loudly, my legs feel weak with each step I take and my palms are sweating again.

  Further down the hallway a couple is arguing loudly. The blonde girl is moving frantically in front of the Asian-looking guy, who doesn’t move or dare open his mouth. I think it’s for the best because his girlfriend seems to be a breath away from punching him in the face.

  I shake my head and knock on Duke’s door. For all I know maybe he’s not even here, but I never thought about this possibility. I just focused on protecting myself from further pain; I tend to be quite irrational at times.

  The door opens on a surfer looking guy with bright wavy blond hair, clear green eyes and toned frame. The only thing lacking for a surfer would be the tan because this guy is almost as pale as I am. He’s a head taller than me, but still shorter and a little less built than Duke.

  I look back at the open door and see the same number as Duke’s room. So … I’m finally meeting the roommate. What should I do? Should I offer to shake his hand? Ask his name? I really hate it when I’m out of my comfort zone. I play with the hem of my oversized sweatshirt.

  “Hmm … hi,” the guy breaks the silence with a voice not as assured as I expected from a guy like him. Not that I’m judging solely on his physique, but he looks like a guy who’s always composed and confident when meeting strangers.

  I shake my head to ground myself in the present and not on my inner debate, useless and ridiculous. I try a smile.“Hi, I’m looking for Duke.”

  He points a finger at me and smiles broadly. One of his teeth is partly broken, but it doesn’t look like something recent. It makes his smile more playful. “You are his girlfriend, Skye, right?”

  I look at the couple still fighting down the hall. This time it’s the guy talking loudly, and it looks like the girl is about to explode. I bring my eyes back to the guy in front of me and nod. “Yes. I guess you’re his roommate.”

  He lets the door open and walks back inside. Expecting me to follow him in, I suppose, I take a couple of steps inside the little room and close the door after me. He goes back to his bed and lies down, no longer looking at me. One big bag is at the foot of his bed. “I’m Grayson.”

  Interesting name. But there’s no trace of Duke. I don’t like it. Does it mean he’s spent all this time with the brunette girl? Because I know he doesn’t have a class right now. I check my cell phone for what feels like the hundredth time, but of course there are no missed calls or texts. My heart stings a little more.

  “Do you know where Duke is? I don’t want to impose.”

  Grayson’s eyebrows shoot up high on his forehead, hidden behind his fair hair that needs a good cut. But I suppose saying this aloud would make me sound like his mother. “I didn’t see him when I came back. And really, when you knocked I was just busy looking at the ceiling. But I think the ceiling will be here later … so if you want to wait for him here, it’s fine with me.”

  His green eyes are on mine, and it is kind of freaking me out to have his full attention on me when we’re alone in a closed place. I can’t think about it for too long though because Duke walks in before I can answer Grayson.

  I turn toward him and see his eyes traveling to and from Grayson and me, his frown deepening. He could muster a smile when he sees me, but no. Of course not. I sigh and adjust my bag on my shoulder, ready to walk out of here. Now, I’m not so sure I want to talk with him.

  “What are you doing here, man?” Duke asks his roommate as he lets his backpack hit the ground without paying much attention.

  Grayson stands up in a jump, straightening his back in a satisfying sigh. “I had a fight with my girl. A big one.”

  “And she banned you from her place?”

  Grayson laughs without conviction, his green eyes lost in the past for a second. “I left willingly. I need some time away. I hope I’m not ruining your plans with Skye.” He looks at me with an apologetic smile, and it relaxes me. I shake my head.

  “No, we don’t have any plans, and it’s your place too,” Duke replies with a shrug, not once looking at me or asking me why I was waiting for him to come home.

  “All right, but I’m leaving you to sort whatever you have to sort out. I’ll be at the coffee house.” He takes his keys and cell phone from his desk and walks to the door.

  “But you can stay, man. Everything’s good.”

  I keep quiet, but I murder Duke in my head. Can’t he see I’m here to talk to him? Grayson chuckles and waves at me. “It’s obvious you forgot what it’s like to have a girlfriend. She wasn’t here waiting for you just ‘cause you have pretty tats and beautiful eyes.” And on those words, he leaves us alone in a deafening silence.

  Duke finally turns around, his frown still there. It’s going to be harder to talk with him than I thought. I don’t really want to know if he wants someone else, and yet, I have to know. When I think about it, we never had the honeymoon phase everybody talks about. From the very beginning it was difficult between us. Maybe it was a sign we shouldn’t have ignored.

  “Is that true? Are you here because you want to talk about something?” Duke asks me softly with concern in his voice. It almost brings me to my knees. I’m not sure how I’d take it if he wants us to stop.

  I take a deep breath and look him directly in his eyes. I won’t be a coward. “Where were you?”

  He looks away, and it’s like a punch in my gut. He never looks away from me unless there’s something wrong. Oh shit, I think I’m going to puke. “I was helping a student with the last psychology class.”

  I grit my teeth and will my eyes to not let the threatening tears fall. Once they start, I won’t be able to stop them. �
�Let me guess. The student is a leggy brunette and gorgeous at that.”

  Startled, he looks back at me, panic striking his face. He tugs hard on his hair and then runs the same hand in his goatee. “It was a mistake, Skye.”

  Pain explodes in my chest. It’s like my heart and lungs are trying to break free from inside of me. It’s like Sean punching me again in my stomach. It’s like the air doesn’t have enough oxygen. This agony burns inside of me all at once. “A mistake? What was?” My voice sounds tiny in the quiet room.

  “Following her to the library. I thought she needed help since her last paper barely got a C, but she had other things in mind.”

  “And you want me to believe you didn’t have the same ideas? After I saw you flirt with her when I was in the same room? Do you really think I’m that stupid?” I yell in his face, my voice scorching and hard, my breathing erratic like I just ran an Olympic sprint for the gold medal. “I’m not going to let another guy play with me.”

  His eyes widen as he closes the space between us. Now his breath is fanning my face, but for once it’s not making me melt. All I want is to push him away from me and revel a little longer in this anger because I know that the pain is going to hit me soon and it’ll be hard.

  He shakes his head as his dark eyes are taking in every square of my face. “Never think I’d cheat on you, Skye. I can’t believe that’s what you think.”

  “Stop this,” I retort, my voice still hard but back on a speaking level instead of yelling in his face. “I know you flirted with her, and you told me you followed her. What should I believe coming from a guy who knows how to decipher women’s tricks? You’re not a saint, Duke.”

  He brings both hands to my face. I want to escape his touch, to run away from the heat of his body, but I stay put. I want to understand before I leave this room or else I know I’ll always wonder.

  “Maybe believe that I’m so in love with you that I don’t really realize it when a girl is coming on to me and trying to kiss me. Or that I’m too fucking lost.’’

  It’s difficult to swallow—it’s even harder when I don’t know if I’m going to puke or not. I look a second at his enticing lips, remembering the wonderful feel of them on mine and the way he kissed me. I don’t want this girl to know how it is to kiss him when he’s supposed to be with me. He tilts my head back and forces me to stare back at him.

  “So, she kissed you.” My voice is no longer conveying the anger I felt minutes ago. Defeat and hurt are loud and clear.

  “I pushed her away.” I blink once and open my mouth, but nothing comes out. Duke chuckles and shakes his head. “Of course I pushed her away. And for your information, Skye, I wasn’t flirting with her; I was being polite to her. I don’t care about the other girls. You’re the one I love and need in my life. I know I’m messing up, but believe me, there’s nobody else I see, nobody else I want and love.’’

  A few tears break free, and I don’t know if it’s because I’m relieved or if it’s because I’m still so lost since what happened with Sean. Is it so wrong to need my boyfriend right now? Is it so wrong to need his love, his touch and his closeness? Is it too much to ask?

  “So why don’t you kiss me? It’s like you don’t want me anymore, Duke. And it hurts. It hurts so goddamn much.”

  “Fuck, Skye. I’m so sorry.” He closes his arms tightly around me, and I put mine around his waist. It feels so good to have his tall, strong body against mine with no space separating us. It’s so good to be close enough to hear his heart beating loud and fast. It’s wonderful to feel the fabric of his well-worn tee-shirt under my cheek. And it’s just the best thing to be in the arms of the man I’m in love with. “I just don’t know what I should do or say to you, and I thought some alone time for you was necessary. I just didn’t want you to reject me, Skye. Not after everything that’s happened.”

  I kiss him over his tee-shirt just where his heart is. “I can’t reject you. I need to feel you, feel your desire for me. That’s all. I just need to know you still want me like you used to.”

  “I’ll always want you, Skye. Whenever I see you, I think about the night we shared. I can’t help myself but to want to make love to you again. And again,” he whispers near my ear, his breath brushing sensuously on my bare neck, making some wild, frizzy locks move on my sensitive skin. I shiver and tighten my grip on Duke’s waist. He puts some more pressure on his hands to bring me closer to him, my hips now flush against his, and heat ignites in my belly. I sigh against his chest and hear him suck in his breath.

  I run my hands up his back, slowly to enjoy the feel of his strong muscles flexing under my palms. With the tips of my fingers, I play with his black, thick hair that’s grown too long on his neck. It’s so soft against my fingertips. I tug on them and force him to come closer to my face.

  His eyes are locked on mine, and everything I can read in them is melting my heart even more than it already had. I can see fear, uncertainty, concern, but also things even more thrilling like desire, love and passion. I’m able to see all of this without questioning him. I know him, and I can feel him, feel this connection still there between us.

  “Please, Duke. Please kiss me,” I plead in a whisper, my breathy voice sounding husky in the silence of the room.

  His eyes fall on my slightly parted lips, and the hunger in them is making my legs shake. “You’re driving me crazy.” He puts his forehead against mine and takes a deep breath, as if he is trying to calm himself. But I don’t want him to kill this hunger for me he just felt. I don’t want to see the intense desire I saw in his eyes vanish. “I can’t lose control now.”

  “Why?”

  He closes his eyes as I breathe out this one word. I know he loves my voice, and I know how it messes with his control whenever I talk during steamy moments. He told me several times in the past, which always makes me feel good. It makes me feel good because I know I affect him as much as he is affecting me.

  “Skye, I can’t risk messing with our relationship, and I’m not sure it’s a good idea to go there right now. You need time with your psychologist to talk about everything that happened to you. I don’t want to be your way to prove to yourself that you can have some power back in your sexuality. I can’t be that kind of guy with you, not when I love you so fucking much.” He exhales loudly and tries to step back, but I tighten my grip on him and bring his head back toward my face.

  Somewhere inside of me, I know he’s not entirely wrong. I do need to feel a normal sexual experience again with him to erase the touch of Sean on my body. But it’s not just that. I love Duke, and he made me feel amazing when I thought I was too broken for any man. Duke is too damn sexy to not want him. I can’t help it if I want more than sweet innocent touches. Why can’t he understand this?

  “Listen to me, Duke.” I keep one hand behind his strong neck. My grip is tight and unwavering. “If you think having sex is too soon, I can understand that, but if you don’t kiss me now, I’m going to have a crazy argument with you. It won’t be pretty. So what is it going to be?”

  I gaze down at his well-defined lips, at his goatee I’m craving to feel brushing my soft skin and gasp. He bites hard on his lower lip, and before I explode with desire, he crashes his lips down on mine.

  His lips are not slow and soft on mine. They are demanding, strong and hot. It’s a scorching hot kiss which makes me moan in his mouth, giving him an opening for his tongue. His tongue dances with mine, creating a choreography that makes me helpless with desire, a desire now burning low in my belly.

  With his exquisite teeth, he bites lightly on my lower lip, and immediately softens it with his lips and his tongue, plunging again in my mouth. Giving back as much as he gives me, I don’t want to see this kiss end. This time, he moans and closes his arms tighter around me, one hand creeping down toward my ass. I take a bunch of his shirt in my left fist and pull him closer, like he can’t be close enough to me. And he can’t. I want to feel his hot skin against mine, equally naked. I want to taste h
is sweat. I want to hear his groans. I want to feel him inside of me.

  But the kiss does have to end. Duke breaks the contact of our mouths. Our loud and erratic breathing is the only thing audible in the room. I’m shaking from head to toe. The fire in his eyes is not helping me calm down and come back to earth, nor are his wonderful big, strong hands playing with the hem of my shirt.

  Duke’s lips are swollen and red and just seeing this makes me want to kiss the hell out of him all over again. And it’s wonderful. It’s wonderful to see Sean didn’t ruin this too when he abducted me. Duke and I are still explosive together―the good kind and the bad kind―and it feels amazing. No. Amazing is too tame of a word to describe how I feel. It’s beyond what I should feel with just a kiss.

  “Now I need to stop touching you,” Duke says in a husky voice deeper than usual. But he doesn’t move away, his hands are still playing with the hem of my shirt, sometimes lifting it just enough for his fingertips to brush my skin above my jeans. Goosebumps run all over my body. “Push me away, Skye. Now.”

  I shake my head and close my eyes, enjoying the barely there touch of his fingers. “I can’t and don’t want to.”

  He leans down again and runs his lips against my jaw, nibbling lightly along the way. He’s the one playing with fire now; it feels surreal. “Please, Skye. Please, I want you so much.”

  “So take me.”

  He nibbles my earlobe, and I moan loudly, shamelessly. He groans in my ear, and his breathing accelerates again. “Not like this. You deserve so much more than a quick hard fuck on my bed before my roommate comes back,” he whispers in my ear, and it makes me shiver even more than I already was. He lets his arms fall against his body and takes a step back toward his bed, but without taking the risk to sit down on it.

  “But you do want me, right?” I ask, doubt creeping back in. I cross my arms around myself, feeling cold now that Duke is not embracing me with his body, heat and desire.