“I pushed him away again. Every time he says something I don’t like, that’s what I do.”
He shakes his head and takes some notes. “Let’s go back to your question. Do you feel something for Sean? And don’t forget, Skye, here you’re free to talk. It’s not going anywhere outside these walls.”
Closing my eyes, I think about when I started going out with Sean. I knew him for a couple of years before that, but we barely talked to each other. I always thought he was cute. When I started going out with him, I thought I was really lucky. I laughed often, and I deeply cared about him.
The thing when you’re a teenager is that you fall in love fast. You fall too soon, and sometimes way too hard. As a teenager, most of the time you don’t have all this baggage and issues that come with relationships after going through some painful break ups and after your heart has been broken. I think that’s why I fell in love with him so fast. I believed in him, in us and in our future. I just trusted him with my whole unjaded heart. Even if I know Sean is a monster, a little part of me still remembers the very beginning of us. That moment when we talked and laughed over the phone and tried to sneak a kiss or two between classes, only for three months, but those three blissful months are ingrained in me as the easiest ones of my life.
“Sean is the first guy I called my boyfriend. He was my first everything. I can’t just make that disappear.”
“But do you think it’s the memory of what you felt for him or do you think these feelings are still very real and present?”
And the hard truth hits me for the second time today. “I don’t know.” And I cry silently, fat tears falling down my face in front of Dr. Marshall who gives me a pack of tissue. He looks concerned, but he lets me deal with everything before saying anything else. He understands how it’s killing me to be lost with how I truly feel for Sean. He’s not going to judge me or be wounded by my admission, like I know Duke would if he knew this. But really, I’m pretty sure a huge part of him knows this already. I always forget how knowledgable Duke is when it comes to psychology and how he so easily reads me even when I can’t understand it myself.
“With time you’ll know, Skye.”
“I just hope it’s before I lose Duke.”
“Then it would mean he’s not the right man for you. Time will tell.”
I gaze at him through my tears, and this time I see something in his clear blue eyes, something that disappears really fast, way too fast for me to decipher. Nevertheless, I know it’s something that shouldn’t have been there in my psychologist’s eyes while looking at me, his patient.
“Duke is the man for me.”
“Or maybe he was the one you needed to begin a new stage of your life.”
Chapter Five
SKYE
Duke: Are you back in your room?
I read the text twice, taken aback to see that Duke is texting me. I throw my bag on my bed and sit down, ready to get rid of the flats I have on. These things are really painful compared to my converse.
Me: Yeah. I just got here a minute ago. Why?
I don’t really know if I should apologize by text or if I could. This day has been exhausting, and I’m not sure I can apologize when everything inside of me is in such turmoil. Dr. Marshall’s words are echoing in my head endlessly. I can’t imagine Duke is the man I needed to put my life back on track and nothing more. I also can’t imagine my relationship with him being just something convenient at this point in my life. But what if it is? What if we’re not meant to be in a lasting relationship? What if we’re just deluding each other because we’re lost and afraid?
Duke: I need to see you. I want to feel you in my arms.
This brings a smile to my face causing my doubts to subsite. No. Duke and I are more than just a convenience. We love each other despite our issues and fears. I love him more than anything, more than I ever loved anyone. More than I ever loved Sean, and that’s the most important thing right now. That’s one of the only things I know for sure. No matter what I feel for Sean or about Sean, I know that it’s nothing compared to my feelings for Duke.
Me: Come now.
I lie on my bed and sigh. Sometimes I wish I could forget, but I know I can’t hope for that all my life. It’s difficult to face the hard truths I want to hide from myself. It’s even harder to face the darker parts of myself, and yet I am compelled to do so in the hope of finding something I have never dared to hope for before. A hope of happiness, because this is something I now know I can have. For once, I know I can.
Duke: I’m at your door.
I stand up and walk to the door. Taking a deep breath, I open it. Duke is there in front of me. Before I can react, he hugs me like we haven’t seen each other in a month.
“I’m sorry, Skye. I’m so sorry for being such a jerk, for letting you do everything alone today. I’m so sorry,” he murmurs in my ear, his face in the crook of my neck. I can feel his goatee on my skin, and his lips trailing little open-mouthed kisses.
Bringing my arms around his broad shoulders, I hold on with everything I have. It’s impossible to feel like this if Duke and I aren’t right for each other. Our relationship will always have bumps, but as long as he makes me feel like this, as long as I feel like he’s the most important man in the world for me, we’ll be right for each other. We have to be.
“I’m sorry too.”
“I love you, Skye. I’m just so damn angry all the time.” He pulls away just enough to face me, but keeps me in his arms. “I feel like I can’t do the right thing for you, like I’m just a spectator of it all, and it’s driving me mad.”
Still in his arms, I manage to pull him inside the room to close the door. We don’t need witnesses to our making up. As soon as the door closes, he turns me around and backs me up against it. Every time he does something that could awaken my latent fear, like this, it doesn’t. It only wakes up the burning desire I always feel when I’m close to this man; the shadows of my fears back away.
“You can’t always protect me, Duke. There’re things I need to do by myself, and you have to be patient about it.” I run my hand in his thick hair and smile, locking my eyes on his intense ones. “You don’t have to always try and save me. Loving me is not a synonym for saving me.”
He leans into me, the heat of his body burning me up. I press against him, and he closes his eyes briefly. “I don’t know how not to do it.”
“You’ll learn, just like I’m learning to let things go.”
“And how is it going?” he asks me, trailing kisses along my jaw, his hands traveling from my hips to the underside of my breasts. It’s a blissful torture.
“When you do things like this, it’s perfect,” I breathe out. I run my hands down his back, feeling the muscles rolling before I stop my exploration of his body at the hem of his tee-shirt, which I’m eager to get rid of.
He puts his left hand on my breast and plays with my hardening nipple. I moan, burying my face in his hard chest. “Things like this?” he asks me playfully, a smile in his deep voice.
I tug up his tee-shirt, running my hands very slowly on his hot skin. I feel him shiver against me, making me feel empowered. I love this rush he causes inside of me. “Strip off your tee-shirt.”
I thought he’d resist, that he’d tell me it’s treading dangerously, but he doesn’t. Instead, he complies and strips off his tee-shirt. Consequnetly, my eyes land first on the tattoo for Juliet. It still hurts, just like the necklace around his neck, but I don’t say a word. I don’t even dwell long on it because Duke’s hands are now tugging on the hem of my shirt. I don’t think twice before I help him to strip it off.
It feels like he’s eating me up with his dark eyes, and I shiver with anticipation. Now my simple black bra feels too much of an obstacle, but I don’t want to hurry things too much and make it all stop too soon.
His hands as light as a feather. He explores my stomach, collarbone, shoulders, neck, down my arms and up my ribcage to stop on my very sensitive breasts. My si
ghs and moans are not very loud, but the feel of his bare skin on mine is overwhelming. I’m not even sure I’m able to think coherently.
“I love that you let yourself go when I’m touching you. You’re so damn beautiful, Skye,” he whispers roughly against my neck just before he kisses me there, his tongue brushing my skin just enough to taste me and make me shiver.
Answering with a kiss on his shoulder now close to my face, I want more. With Duke, I always want more. I run my nails lightly along his spine, he loved it the last time we had sex together, the only time we have had sex. The only time we let ourselves make love together. His answer echoes in my belly as his groan showers me and invades my ears with the best sound ever.
Driving a man wild with desire is the best feeling for a woman that’s so unsure of herself and in need of building her confidence. It makes everything disappear, all the doubts and fears are pushed to the background, far away from this fire igniting me.
His hands are now moving on me, one moving urgently up my back toward the clasp of my bra. I press closer to him, desperate to feel him, to feel all of him against my feverish body. Wanting him so much it’s almost painful.
With undeniable experience, he unclasps my bra and pushes it roughly to the ground, leaving me naked from the waist up to his greedy and bright eyes, drinking in my bare breasts and hard nipples. Goosebumps cover my skin, but I don’t try to hide from his eyes. They have already seen so much of me, and I don’t feel this need to hide from him anymore.
He sucks in his breath and locks eyes with me, a naughty smile tugging his lips. I look down at his hard chest, from his pecs to his hard abs and down some more to the trail of dark hairs that disappear under his jeans, hanging so low on his hips that I can see the V contour we, women, love to lust after. Because I am no exception, I’m craving to kiss him everywhere on his chest and follow this happy trail with my tongue. I want to hear him say he wants me.
I’m the first one to break the space between us. With the tip of my fingers I draw the outside of his abs. He contracts his muscles and doesn’t move. Slowly, afraid he’s going to push me away and ruin this amazing moment, I come closer, bringing my face to his bare chest and I kiss him in the middle. It’s not a little fast peck, no. It’s the kind of kiss that lingers long enough to make the other sigh, long enough to make Duke run a hand in my wild hair he loves and another one down my back to stop at my ass. Forcing me hard against him, I can feel his desire for me against my stomach.
I moan and look up at his face, a face no longer playful but rather serious. He bites on his lower lip and doesn’t waste another second before kissing me with abandon. His tongue fighting against mine makes me dizzy. I hold on to his shoulder and tug on his hair, unable to control myself.
Suddenly, he breaks the kiss and lifts me in his arms. On instinct I bring my legs around his waist. “I can’t take you against the door, Skye,” he says as he walks to my bed and lays us down, him above me, his weight just enough to feel him but not enough to be uncomfortable. “Not for our second time.” He kisses me again, but breaks it way too soon for me. My heart is beating so fast and loud, I’m sure he can feel it when he touches my breast, his strong hand moving sensuously, almost too slowly. “First, I want you under me again.”
“Duke,” I plead, feeling my cheeks burning up at his words. I love it when he talks like this, but it’s also quite unsettling for me to be barely in tune with my own desires.
“Tell me what you want me to do.” He’s not touching me anymore. He’s bracing himself on his hands on either side of my head, his torso not even brushing me.
“I …”
He smiles at me, running his eyes over my body and smiling at my breasts before he locks eyes with me again. “Tell me, Skye. You know what your voice does to me. And I need to know what you truly want.’’
I close my eyes, feeling the ghost of his touch on my heated skin, and I sigh. Yes, I do want to drive him wild again. Yes, I do want to tell him all these things I have a hard time acknowledging to myself. Yes, I want him inside me again.
“I want your mouth on my breasts, and I want you out of your pants now.”
“Fuck, I really love your voice,” he says after he groans and leans down to my breasts.
*
DUKE
Her nipples are already tight and begging for more of my attention. I close my eyes and lightly bite the left one while I cup her left breast, silently begging her to tell me it’s good for her because it’s fucking perfect for me.
She moans softly; that tiny sound goes straight to my crotch. I kiss my way to her neck, slowly brushing my goatee against her skin until goosebumps break out all over her perfect flesh.
“Tell me you love this, Skye.” I pinch her nipple and push my hips into her, bringing my hard cock against her wetness. I can’t keep the building growl in my throat at the feel of her there, so close. I’m dying to thrust into her and make love to her and help her forget everything Sean did to her. I want only my touch seared in her mind and on her flesh.
She arches up a little, her breasts pushing against my heaving chest. “Don’t stop.’’ She runs a hand in my hair and tugs on some strands. Every time she does this, it sends shivers down my spine.
“I can’t stop now.’’ I nip at her lower lip and slowly draw it in my mouth. Before long, I slip my tongue into her mouth, making it dance against hers in perfect rhythm with my hips, pushing into her without ever entering her. Not yet. I need to be sure that it’s what she wants, that she’s ready. But it’s fucking torture to hold back. I groan again, this time in her mouth.
She trails her nails down my back before she stops on my ass, pushing me on, urging me to go harder and faster. Damn, dry humping has never been so hot. But feeling her there under me, so responsive to my body, to my touch is taking a heavy weight off my shoulders and my chest.
“I love you,” she whispers close to my ear, her labored breathing washes over me.
I stop moving and lock eyes with hers. She’s so beautiful with her glassy eyes, that lusty look I put there. Her hair is a mess of curls spread on the pillow all around her head, and I just want to take a hold of them while I’m pushing inside of her. And her cheeks have that red glow already, when I have yet to make her come. She’s breathtaking, and she trusts me.
She wants me and only me.
“I love you so much, Skye.’’ I bring my forehead against hers, shaking from the emotions, from holding back when everything in me is begging for a release, to feel her tight body around me. “Do you need me as much as I need you?”
She nods and opens her legs wider. Both of us moaning, I know I won’t be able to wait for much longer. She brings her lips to mine. It’s a soft, yet a deep kiss, a kiss that goes straight to my heart before it changes into an intense need that makes me think about nothing else.
“Now?” I ask, my voice hoarse as I can’t help but move my hips a little against her.
“Now.”
I quickly grab a condom and put it on with trembling hands. In a matter of seconds I’m back between her legs, ready to thrust inside of her and finally feel her again, something I’ve been dreaming about since that first and only time we shared.
My heart is hammering in my chest; my breathing is already loud in the quiet room, creating a soft melody with her own labored breathing. I keep my eyes on hers, but I don’t see the fear I’ve been frightened to find there. There’s nothing but love and lust.
I swallow and when I brush my lips against hers, I slowly enter her, finally connecting us fully. She sighs and wraps her arms tightly around me while I let out the air in my lungs in a long hiss.
She feels amazing. Tight, hot and mine. She’s there with me, and she’s fucking mine to hold and to love.
*
DUKE
I really love this girl.
That’s the only thing I can think about as I’m putting my shirt back on. I push it down and finally lock eyes with her again, still naked under the lig
ht cover barely high enough to hide her perky breasts that’d drive any man to his knees.
“Don’t look at me like that, Skye.” My voice is still hoarse; my body is still stirring for more of her. I was inside her not even twenty minutes ago, and I’m already craving her moans, her tight body and her heat.
She shyly chuckles and brings a hand to her rosy cheeks. Her eyes aren’t sad like I’m used to seeing them. No, there’s a spark in there, a light that only happiness can put in there. I know it’s more than just sexual satisfaction. She’s been doubting us, doubting me and my feelings for her, and making love to her proved that I’m still all in, still in love with her and that Sean didn’t ruin everything. It proved this to us both.
“It’s your fault,” she mutters and grabs her tee-shirt from her bedside table and puts it on. I revel in the short seconds during which I enjoyed her breasts before they disappear under the fabric.
“Why’s that, huh?” I grab her hand and help her on her feet, ready to fold her in my arms, plastered against me. She leans her head against my chest, and I take a deep breath. All I can smell is our scents mixed to create a new fragrance, something heady that goes straight to my groin. She’s turning me into a fucking teenager all over again, a fucking teenager unable to control his own cock.
“You’re just too … you know.”
“I’m too … what?”
She wraps her thin arms around my waist and dips her hands in the back pockets of my jeans, palming my ass. I bite my lip to keep a low growl inside.
“Handsome. You’re the whole package. It’s difficult to resist.”
I grin above her and close my eyes. I can’t help feeling a boost to my ego. Any other guy would feel the same after making love to his girl and hearing her say you’re handsome and irresistible. If her orgasm hadn’t been rewarding enough, her words are the shiny bow around the whole gift. At this very moment with my girl in my arms, I feel like there’s nothing I can’t do for her, for us.
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