I don’t feel the need to bail, don’t feel afraid or angry. I don’t doubt or wonder what other shit will be thrown our way. No, at this very moment I’m like any other college guy who has had his world rocked by his girl, by the girl he loves more than anyone else in his fucking life.
*
SKYE
“Was it as good as the first time?” Kate asks me, bouncing on my bed now made after Duke left a couple of hours ago for an engineering class he’s taking. He didn’t want to leave, but I forced him, needing some alone time. I really needed to do my homework. Of course, as soon as Kate walked in, she knew I had had sex with Duke. I don’t know how she does, but she must have some kind of sexth sense.
I hide my burning face in my hands and laugh. “It was better. That’s all you need to know.”
She pushes my hands away and brings her smiling face very close to mine. Her green eyes are bright with delight which makes me laugh again. “I’m so glad for you two, and I think I deserve some details!”
“And why is that?”
She flips her blonde hair away from her heart-shaped face perfectly enhanced by her expensive make-up. “Because I’m the one living with you, and I see you devastated when you two fight. It’s exhausting, really,” she says playfully, the twinkle in her eye telling me she’s only kidding to extort some details from me. But I’m still uneasy with this kind of girl talk.
“All I can tell you is that Duke is way too hot to let my fears take the upper hand. He could drive a nun wanton.” As soon as these words leave my mouth, I bring my hand to my gaping mouth as Kate is doubling over with loud laughter. Our left neighbor knocks on the wall, obviously annoyed by the noise.
A thought makes me cringe. If they can hear Kate laughing now, they must have heard me and Duke earlier. We weren’t exactly quiet.
“Skye, I never thought you’d be that funny.” She massages her stomach, still laughing but it’s subsiding slowly. “With this picture in my head now, I can live without details.”
I shake my head and close my textbooks. I can’t focus. My mind is more on Duke than on psychology. And studying for my next psychology class makes me think too much of Dr. Marshall and what he said to me. In turn I think about what Kate told me about him; it’s way too confusing. One thing at a time and swimming in this blissful glow after what happened with Duke is a way better idea.
Before I can reply to Kate, my phone rings. I frown and sigh. I already had my parents on the phone as soon as I was out of Dr. Marshall’s office, and if they’re calling me again, I think I’m going to be pissed. They’re calling me two or three times a day. It’s way too much even if I understand they’re afraid, but it’s suffocating me.
But when I take my phone in my hands and see the name on it, I’m in shock. I never thought I’d see this name again or hear from her again. Mrs. Lawson is calling me. I stand up and lean against the only window of our room as Kate is starting to work. At the last ring, I answer.
“Hello?” My voice is shaking, and I sound like a little girl who’s about to be grounded after she did something wrong. It’s ridiculous. It’s her son who did something wrong. It’s not me. I know it, I know she knows it too, and yet it makes me feel vulnerable all over again, killing the little buzz of my shared moment with Duke. It’s like every time I can say I’m happy, truly happy, there’s something getting in the way.
“Skye, it’s Mrs. Lawson.” She’s not saying Sean’s mom like she used to, and her voice is hesitant, almost ashamed.
I like Mrs. Lawson. She’s a discreet woman, but very caring. She’s going through what Sean did to me when we were dating, but she’s been going through this for years with her husband. Unbelievably, she’s still with him, even after I told my parents and they tried to help her, giving her a way out. She’s still with her monster of a husband; it makes me feel sad. At least I found the strength I lacked for so long in my friends and family. At least I have a second chance at life; something she’s obviously not ready for.
“I didn’t expect to hear from you after … you know.”
I glance at Kate, but she’s not listening to me. She’s got earbuds in as she’s typing on her laptop and reading something in her thick textbook. It’s probably for her law class. Law for her is like psychology for me.
“Your parents asked me not to call you, but I needed to check if you’re okay,” she says softly in the phone, her voice shy.
My heart stops for a second at her words, tears menacing to take over my eyes. It’s so weird to talk with her after everything Sean did to me, more so to even have this link with him now. This is hard because Mrs. Lawson is talking to a part of me I want dead, even if I know this part of me will never be dead and shouldn’t be because it is me.
“I’m better. I’m seeing a psychologist, so it helps.” I lean my forehead against the cold window, closing my eyes. “You?”
She clears her throat, and I know how she feels. I felt like this before. She wants to deny everything, wants to make light of this darkness that is her world, just like I did with Duke. But it’s useless with me because I know what she feels, not because I’m taking some psychology classes, but because we share this. I think all women who have suffered in an abusive relationship have a bond, even if every relationship is different.
“It’s a little tense, but it’ll get better.”
“No, it won’t Mrs. Lawson. You know like I do it won’t.”
“It’s different, Skye.” She sniffles. “But focus on yourself. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you, and I’m sorry for everything. I should have seen how Sean … how he is.”
Swallowing is difficult as a huge lump appears in my throat. “It’s not your fault. Nothing is your fault.” As she doesn’t break the silence, I bite the inside of my cheek. There’s something else I need to know, something else I’m craving to ask and I shouldn’t. I know I shouldn’t care, but I do. I do care and it’s hurting me to be so lost, to see that maybe I’m really fucked up. “How is Sean?”
After a few moments of silence during which I thought she’d never answer, she clears her throat again, chasing away the emotions building up fast. “He’s not exactly repentant.”
I nod and curse myself for doing it when I know she can’t see me. I guess I’m just trying to digest her words. I shouldn’t be surprised, but I’d by lying if I said that I wasn’t. I hoped that he’d see how his behavior is not normal, how much he hurt me without any reason, but his need of power over me and my life. It’s too much to ask. Way too much.
“Is he still blaming me for everything?”
“You shouldn’t think about Sean, Skye. Focus on yourself, on your friends, on your parents and on your boyfriend. Forget about Sean.”
I hear her, but her words don’t register. My head is still on the picture I conjured despite myself of Sean in prison with awful people that won’t help his violence issues and his need of power. If anything, I think it’ll make it all worse, but I can’t drop the charges. I thought about it without telling anybody, but it wouldn’t be right. And it would ruin all the efforts I made and still am making. I need to see Sean judged. Thinking about him in jail is hard, but I have to go through with it. Who knew it’d lead to this. It feels crazy, like it’s a bad movie I’m trapped in, but it’s reality. Reality is as awful as any scenarios that people could come up with.
“Forgetting is impossible; I’m trying to live with that. That’s the best I can hope for.”
She sniffles again, but this time it’s like she’s muffling the phone for me to not hear her crying. “I’m sorry for everything, Skye.”
“It’s not you who should be sorry, Mrs. Lawson.”
“Listen,” she says after taking a deep breath. “I’ll be in Seattle in a week. Would you agree to have some coffee with me? I really want to see how you’re doing.”
I turn around and meet the questioning look of Kate still listening to her music, but now not paying attention to her work. I shake my head and igno
re the knot in my stomach as I agree and end the call.
Kate puts away one of the two earbuds. “Who was it? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
I force a smile which only makes her frown. I shrug and wave my phone in the air. “You don’t want to know.”
“That’s the thing people say if they want to make a person more curious.”
I sit back on my bed and open my textbook. Studying always helps me to calm down and put some order back in my head. Hopefully, it’ll do the trick once again. “Don’t worry.”
“And when you say that, it worries me. What’s going on?”
“Just …” I sigh and look above me at the cracked ceiling. “Nothing important. Right now I want to think about something else. Please.”
She opens a new pack of M&Ms and munches on some nervously. “I hate it when you keep a secret I know is weighing on you. I hope your nerdy cute Dr. Marshall helps you with this.”
I glare at her and wish at the same time I could see Dr. Marshall again today. Yet, right now I should think more about Duke’s reaction once I tell him I’ve got a date with Sean’s mother. I can already imagine his face. For sure, we’re going to fight again.
*
SKYE
As soon as I knocked at Duke’s door, he opens it. I glance past him and don’t see his roommate, Grayson. Without hesitation, I kiss him on my tiptoes, careful to enjoy every seconds of it before the talk I’m sure will ruin what happened between us. I was really delusional to think that once we had sex again we could just enjoy ourselves and be happy without too many complications. But of course, one way or another Sean is always getting between us.
“All right, what’s going on?” he asks me as soon as I end the kiss, his frown darkening his eyes. I guess it wasn’t very subtle of me to kiss him like we’re doomed and expect he’d never understand that I’ve got something sort of bad to talk about with him. “Is it because we had sex, and you think I want you to be all touchy-feely? Because if it is, I’m not expecting it, Skye.” He hugs me tightly and doesn’t release me.
“It has nothing to do with us,” I say, my face in the crook of his neck. I breathe him in. I love his smell, a mix of cigarettes, shampoo and musk. It’s relaxing, like I’m back home and safe. But I know Duke is also a fierce man, as broken as I am, and his emotions get the better of him sometimes. That’s why we’re so explosive together, but passion is not a bad thing in a relationship. At times, it can be tiresome.
He releases me, steps back and invites me in. I walk inside his room and close the door behind me. This time, Grayson’s side of the room looks like there is someone living there and that it’s not just for show. Several items of his clothing are on his unmade bed. Two empty cups of coffee are on his desk where several textbooks are haphazardly waiting for the return of the student they belong to. Duke’s side looks almost neat in comparison, but his ashtray is still overflowing and papers from his classes are still in a weird kind of order he seems to enjoy.
“Don’t leave me hanging, Skye. You know I hate it when I’m in the dark and it concerns you.”
I brush away some of my hair, my left hand getting caught in some wild locks. I tug and get free, but the knot in my stomach doesn’t ease up as easily. Not one bit. Looking at him, I’m hit by his intense eyes. They still get to me. “Let’s sit because I don’t think you’re going to like what I have to tell you, and I don’t feel like arguing with you standing up.”
I sit on his bed and bring my knees to my chest, my arms around my legs. He sits beside me, his shoulder bumping against mine. “We’re not going to argue, Skye. We don’t argue all the time.”
I laugh bitterly and shake my head. I arch an eyebrow at him. “Every time we don’t see things eye to eye we argue. It’s a fact.”
He ponders my words and laughs nervously, tugging at his hair like every time he’s nervous or uncomfortable―or annoyed. “I guess we need to work on this communication thing.”
“Which brings me to this thing I have to tell you, but please don’t get mad.”
“I can’t promise it. I don’t even know what you want to tell me.” He takes a cigarette, fishes his lighter out of his pants pocket and lights it. He’s careful to exhale the smoke away from my face, but I can still smell the smoke and feel the slight burning in my lungs.
“Sean’s mother called me a couple of hours ago.” I don’t breathe, don’t move and keep my eyes on Duke’s face as it changes from nervous to stupefied to angry in a matter of seconds.
“She called you? And you answered your phone? Why?” His voice is not loud like I thought it’d be, but more like he’s trying to piece everything together before he loses it. There’s improvement since our last fight.
“Because I was curious. I don’t know why!” I answer louder than I intended to; I’m fed up with all the questions I have no real answers to. Everybody is throwing questions at me. “She wanted to see how I was doing and wanted to apologize.”
He takes a drag of his cigarette, keeping the smoke in his lungs a long time, and releases it slowly. With his free hand he massages his temple. His shoulders are tense and his back is straight. I don’t dare touch him when he’s like this, trying to calm his nerves. “Is that all?”
I tighten my arms around my legs and shake my head, now my eyes down on my knees. “She asked me if we could have some coffee together next week when she’s here in Seattle. I agreed.”
He laughs, but there’s no amusement in this sound. There’s only disbelief and anger … or maybe it is hurt. He brings his cigarette back to his mouth and locks his eyes with mine. “Why do you want to see her?”
“Because she needs to talk to someone. She’s suffering.”
“Don’t you think you have enough on your plate?” he counters unabashedly, his eyes unforgiving. It’s like he can see through me, or maybe it’s because I can see the real question unasked. Is it because I can’t sever all the links with Sean yet? That’s a question I can’t answer, like many others these days.
“I can’t ignore her, Duke. Thinking about what she’s living day after day is awful. What if talking with me convinces her to leave her husband?”
“And what if it doesn’t?”
“Then I’ll know I did everything I could. Please, understand.” I release my legs and try to touch his arm, but he moves away from me, avoiding my touch. I grit my teeth and will my eyes to stay dry.
“Believe me, I understand way more than you probably understand about yourself most of the time.” He finishes his cigarette in tense silence and extinguishes it in the ashtray, not once looking at me. “I wanted to ask you if you’d be interested in going away for the weekend instead of going to the party to have a change of scenery, but to tell you the truth, now I need a change of scenery on my own. I’m leaving tomorrow morning and won’t be back before Sunday night. I’ve got to pack so …”
“What?’’ I blink, unable to follow his flow of words, or even the path his thoughts are taking him, away from me.
“I’m going to my grandparents’ house for the weekend. They’re on vacation.” He stands up and moves to the door, ready to open it and see me out.
I stand up and walk to him, my arms tightly crossed over my chest like I’m protecting my heart shattering inside me, making my ears buzz. “You don’t want to talk about it? You don’t even want to spend the weekend with me?”
He tugs at his hair and finally meets my gaze, but the harshness in his dark eyes makes me step away from him and toward the door. “I hate the idea of you seeing that woman, the mother of your ex, the ex who almost killed and raped you, the man who still has an impact on your life. I hate that you’ve got a past with him and these people. I hate everything about it, and I hate how it makes me feel, Skye. I need a breather, and I don’t want to yell at you and drive you further away from me.”
“What are you talking about? I’m close to you!”
He leans toward me to open the door. He shakes his head. “Having sex with some
one doesn’t mean that you’re close to that person. You’re not close to me, Skye. You’ve got something tearing you away from me most of the time, and right now I don’t have the strength to fight. I’ll see you Monday in class.”
“Are you … will you think about breaking up with me?” I ask, tears falling down now. The knot in my stomach disappears, but it’s replaced by a big hole.
He looks at me and closes his eyes. He’s not answering immediately, and I hate it because in this moment, even if he doesn’t acknowledge it, he is thinking about it. Even if it was just for a second, he thought about it. “No. I can’t break up with you. I love you.”
“Even people in love break up.”
“Yes, but they’re stronger than I am and not self-destructive, so I need you.”
“You’re strong. That’s what is frightening me, Duke. You can’t break up with me just because I’m going to see Mrs. Lawson.”
“You know what, Skye? Talk about this and about Sean with your psychologist Monday. I know you’ve got an appointment before I see you in your psychology class.”
“I can’t let you leave when I don’t even know if by Monday night we’ll still be together.”
“I told you I’m not strong enough to break up with you even if I wanted to. I love you, and it’s not about to change. I’m just going to spend a weekend alone to calm down. I need to calm down, and for once I’m not seeking the same kind of morbid comfort.”
I look at my feet and feel bitter at his last sentence. I should be relieved he’s not seeking the comfort of Juliet’s grave this time. I don’t say another word and walk out of his room, away from him without a look back. I know if I do, I’d say something I’ll regret because Juliet is a sore subject for me, just like Sean is for him. Nothing has changed, our issues in our relationship are the same, eternally spinning, circling.
In one day I was punched with the realization of how close I came to death, I acknowledged I’m still lost in Sean’s vicious circle, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time since Sean sexually assaulted me, I had my ex’s mother call me and I had a big fight with my boyfriend who might not be my boyfriend anymore in three days.
Fix Up Page 9