Fix Up

by Stephanie Witter

  I should know better, but I’m making the same mistakes. Granted, it’s a way different situation, but in the end I’m still doing nothing to prevent some catastrophe from happening. I’m still waiting, hoping that things will settle down by themselves, even if I know it’s not possible. Even today I’m a coward.

  Chapter Eight

  SKYE

  “I never realized how addicted to these things you two are,” Duke says as I add a fifth pack of M&Ms to his arms.

  Last night we ate the remainder of our stock, and Kate was already going bonkers this morning before she left for her study group. M&Ms for her are what coffee is for everybody else.

  “It’s Kate’s fault. That girl could hook anybody to these things,” I reply with a shrug and a little laugh that makes him smile his dazzling smile that always gets me.

  He leads the way toward the check out, and I can’t help myself but enjoy the view. The more time we spend together without fighting, the more I see how lucky I am to have him in my life, giving me his love. And he is so hot, as ridiculous as it sounds.

  I sigh when I see six people in front of us waiting to check out. I thought it’d go fast to come at this time of day, but I guess I was wrong. Duke manages to pile the five packs in one arm and with the other he draws me against his side, his hand on my hip. I snake an arm around his waist and hesitate to put my hand in his back pocket.

  “Skye?”

  Startled, I turn my head on the right and gasp loudly. My body goes rigid, and my heart is beating very loudly. It’s impossible. I mean, of all the markets in Seattle, I chose the one where Dr. Marshall goes to buy groceries? It’s like bad fate or cosmic irony biting me in the ass after the talk I had last night with Kate.

  Duke’s hand grips me more firmly as I feel his body tensing too. Looking up at his face, I want just one thing. I want to run away. His dark eyes are seizing Dr. Marshall, and he doesn’t like what he sees. I look back at my psychologist, resisting the urge to groan. There’s some testosterone fest right now, and while it is logical coming from my boyfriend, it’s completely crazy coming from my psychologist.

  “Dr. Marshall. Funny seeing you here,” I say with a fake cheerful tone that attracts both their attention on me. Dr. Marshall frowns, and Duke’s eyebrows shoot up high behind his wavy, long raven hair. He looks back at my shrink and nods to himself, piecing things together.

  “You’re Skye’s psychologist.” Duke doesn’t release me, but I don’t think for a second it’s because he’s not mad at me. I think it’s more to prove a point to a possible enemy. “I’m Skye’s boyfriend, Duke Ashdown.”

  Dr. Marshall looks back at Duke and nods. “It’s nice to finally put a face to a name.”

  “Same here,” he replies, squeezing my hip. I look up at him, apologizing with my eyes, but it doesn’t soften his expression. If anything, it makes him look angrier. I feel myself blush as both men are intently looking at me, but what should I say?

  “We should go, Duke. We’ll be late to meet Derek,” I finally say with relief in my voice as the first excuse comes to my mind. And that’s true, we’re supposed to meet Derek later at the coffee house. He wants us to meet his girlfriend.

  I wave at Dr. Marshall and offer a small smile. He answers with one of his own as Duke nods as a parted word.

  “You’ve got an amazing girlfriend, Duke. I hope you know this,” Dr. Marshall butts in with his calm voice I’m used to, but with an underlying meaning I’m not sure I really want to grasp.

  Duke releases me and stands straighter, towering way above Dr. Marshall who looks way less muscular next to my impressive boyfriend. That doesn’t mean that Dr. Marshall looks scrawny, but there’s a noticeable difference in the type of men they both are.

  “Believe me, I know that. Skye is the kind of woman you don’t meet very often, so when you find her, you don’t let her go, even when things get tough.” The darkness in Duke’s voice makes me shiver, but I say nothing. I created this situation by saying nothing, and I have to make myself invisible for a little longer. But at least it answers my question. Dr. Charles Marshall does have a crush on me.

  My psychologist nods and turns around, leaving us in a silence I’d love to break, but I’m too afraid to do so. As our turn comes to pay for our packs of M&Ms, Duke is still mute, but his eyes are sending the message I was afraid to read. He’s pissed at me.

  I grab the change the middle age lady gives me back and let Duke take charge of the M&Ms as we’re walking fast toward his car. He’s not careful to see if I’m following him or if it’s hard for me to match his long legs.

  He opens his old truck, puts everything in the back and doesn’t look at me as he climbs inside. I jump in the truck, buckle my seat belt and brace myself for what I know is about to come. Another fight. Yet, another one.

  “So your psychologist is very young. You didn’t tell me.”

  “It’s not important,” I reply with a small voice, already screaming in my head that I’m so dumb.

  “It is when the man is into you big time and lets your boyfriend know that if he could, he’d try to be with you.”

  “Duke, I don’t care about him.” I feel a knot appear in my stomach at my words because they’re not true. I do care about him because a part of me enjoys the fact that he’s crushing on me. “He’s just my psychologist. He’s paid to listen to me for hours during the week.”

  He brings the car to life and tightens his hand around the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white. “Right, that’s all.” He laughs darkly as we leave the parking space. “And I should believe that there’s nothing going on? That you don’t feel guilty because you hid something from me, because you knew it’d upset me, because you feel something for another man.”

  “That’s not at all why I didn’t tell you he’s young!” I retort immediately. “You told me yourself that you hated the idea of me telling another guy everything. When I saw him for the first time, I didn’t know what to do, and we were fighting so often that I thought it was useless to talk about Dr. Marshall.”

  He stops the car at a red light and shakes his head, never once looking at me. It’s like he’s disgusted by me. “Tell me one thing, Skye, and I want the truth.” He takes a deep breath and locks his deep dark eyes with mine. “Do you find him attractive?”

  I gape at him, but keep silent for a couple of seconds. “I … I don’t …” I groan with exasperation at my own babbling. “I just like to talk to him. We connected during our appointments, but it’s just as patient and psychologist. You’re the one I love.”

  He details my face, nods and accelerates as the green light gives us the go. “It’s funny, but now I don’t even know if I should believe you or not.”

  “Duke—”

  “No, Skye,” he cuts me off, one hand leaving the steering wheel and waves in the air between us. “I never lied to you, so you know you can have faith in my words, but you just lied to me. You betrayed the faith I had in you, and I don’t even know how I feel about all of this.”

  “Don’t be mad at me, please. I don’t want to fight with you again.”

  “We’re not fighting. I’m just telling you the truth because I’m trustworthy. That’s all.” He turns in the parking lot outside of my building, but doesn’t turn off the car. He’s not about to go with me. “It’s hard for me to look at you now because I put you on some kind of pedestal since I’ve met you. One thing I was sure when I fell in love with you was that you’re not like other girls, lying to their boyfriend. I thought that you loved me enough to tell me even the hard truth, but I guess I was wrong. I love a woman who is the same as any other girl, and I have to deal with it.” He looks down at his hands resting in his lap. “I’ll meet you and Derek at the coffee house.”

  I can’t talk. I can just move, open the car door, climb out and grab the M&Ms. My mind is empty while a furnace of conflicting emotions is filling me up, almost putting me down by their force.

  What is worse is not suffering because of
your own mistake. The worst is seeing the pain you caused to someone you love along with the disappointment they feel. The worst thing in life is disappointing the person you love the most.

  ***

  DUKE

  As soon as she starts walking stiffly toward her building, I drive away, making sure to put some distance from her, from campus, from anything to find some comfort. Mindless, I let my instinct take me somewhere, and when I finally stop and look around, I’m astounded to see I’m parked in front of my parents’ home, the same house I grew up in.

  I sigh and climb out. My limbs feel heavy, just like my heart. I’m not exactly mad, but I’m so damn disappointed. Skye lied to me. If only she lied about getting better, I’d understand, but that thing with her shrink! No, it’s entirely different, and I can’t help but draw conclusions I’d prefer to ignore.

  I knock at the front door, and immediately my father answers. As soon as he takes me in, his barely-there smile disappears.

  “Duke? What’s going on?’’

  I shake my head and lean against the threshold, my head hanging now between my shoulders. Everything is heavy, making it difficult to simply stand. “I think I’m losing her, Dad.’’

  “What are you talking about? Come in, son.’’ He ushers me to the living room where I sit without grace. “Now, tell me what this nonsense is about.’’

  I put my elbows on my spread knees and hide my face in my hands. I don’t want my father to see me on the brink of tears. He saw enough of my tears during the first few months after Juliet’s death.

  “Skye. It’s Skye. She lied to me.“

  The couch caves under my father’s weight when he sits next to me. His big hand pats my shoulder before he ruffles my hair like he used to when I was just a kid. He’s not big on huge hugs and open-hearted talk, probably something I inherited from him, but he’s not one to turn his back on his and others’ emotions either.

  “Son, you know better than me that Skye is dealing with awful things. Give her the time. I’m sure—‘’

  “Her psychologist is very young, and he has a crush on her. She didn’t tell me anything, Dad.’’ I look up and meet his surprised face. “How would you feel if mom hid this from you?’’

  He takes a deep breath and leans against the back of the couch. He rubs the shell of his ear, his tell whenever he’s uncomfortable or deep in thought. “I’d be very upset, and I would probably have a huge fight with her because obviously it’s not … hmmm …’’

  “It’s like cheating.’’

  He shakes his head and points a finger at me. “No, cheating is cheating. When you cheat on your other half, it’s something else entirely. Beyond the betrayal of trust, there’s also a breach in the couple, something akin to emotional distance. It’s much worse, Duke, and from what I know about your girlfriend, she would never cheat on you.’’

  I hide my face in my hands again, my elbows still firmly planted on my knees. “I never thought she’d do this to me, you know.’’

  “Don’t you think it’s because she’s afraid of your reaction? Duke, since what happened with Juliet you’re pretty intense in your emotional reactions. It’s understandable, but she went through so much that I’m pretty sure she’s more afraid than what she lets on, even with you.’’

  “Are you implying that I freak her out?’’ I sit up and glare at my father. If I wanted a lecture I wouldn’t have driven all the way here. I would have gone straight to Derek and let him dig me a new hole because obviously in this relationship I’m the only one making mistakes—even when I’m not.

  “Not exactly.’’ He squeezes my shoulder again and this time keeps his hand there, probably to appease me. “She’s pretty lost, son. She’s spent so long pushing through her emotions, trying everything in her power to make it easier to deal with her ex-boyfriend. Give her some slack and play it by ear instead of blowing her head off as I’m pretty sure you want to.’’

  “No, honestly I want to go and find that Dr. Marshall instead.’’

  “Don’t be an idiot.’’

  I shrug and nod. “I won’t.’’ I let out a deep breath, pushing through the weight weighing on my chest making it hard to just enjoy the air coming in my lungs. “I can’t drop it though.’’

  “Talk about it with her; don’t let it fester.’’

  “Maybe I should … no, never mind.’’

  “If there’s one thing I hate, it’s when I know my children are hiding something. Out with it, son.’’

  I smile softly at his commanding voice. I fish in my jean pocket and find a letter I received earlier today. I kept it on me thinking that maybe I should talk about it with Skye, that it would be the perfect incentive to actually make plans for our future together. I’m graduating soon, and I have loans to pay back. I can’t just forget about finding a job and thinking about the next step in my life. At first, I wanted to use our little errand to buy M&Ms to speak with Skye and ask her if she’d like to move in with me next year instead of living on campus. Now though, I see things differently.

  I see her differently.

  “I got two job offers today. One is here in Seattle and the other one is for a company in San Francisco.’’

  My father pulls away and forces a smile to his face. “That’s fantastic, Duke. I’m really proud of what you’ve achieved. Not even graduated and already offers are lining up.’’

  “Yeah, well, when I heard about Seattle, I thought that it was a done deal, you know, but now …’’ I trail off, my voice getting quieter.

  “Are you truly considering San Francisco?’’

  I shrug again and rub at my left temple. “I don’t know. Maybe. What do you think?’’

  “It’s your life, son. I can’t tell you what to do or not, but I can already tell you that if you go to San Francisco, your mother is going to have a hissy fit.’’

  I chuckle softly. I can already picture my mother. She’s always been quite the mother hen, but after I went off the deep end, it’s been worse. “Where is she by the way?’’

  “She went grocery shopping after work. You missed her by a few minutes.’’ He gazes at the pictures on the walls around the room, ones with our family, others with their friends. I can’t miss the nostalgia on his face, now obviously so much older than four years ago when I graduated from high school. “Don’t take it lightly, Duke. If you choose San Francisco, you and Skye will be over. Make sure that you can say goodbye to her, that you can live without her love and presence.’’

  “I did it once.’’

  My father leans closer to me and shakes his head. “Juliet was your best friend, a girl you’ve always known, a girl you grew up with. Yes, you loved her, but there wasn’t the passion I can see when you’re with Skye or when you talk about her. You’re a man now, Duke, and I’m sure you’ve realized by now that what you have with Skye can’t be compared to any other relationships you’ve had. Think this over.’’

  I grit my teeth and break eye contact. I’ve never really compared what I have with Skye to what I had with Juliet. It’s so vastly different. But I do know without a doubt now that there’s a strong probability that my relationship with Juliet could have ended in college because of the lack of surprise and monotony. We’d always known each other, and sometimes it’s not enough or too much, depending on where you’re putting yourself. One thing is sure, if I had met Skye while still dating Juliet, I would have been intrigued. It would have probably been different because I would have been different too, but still. There’s something in that girl that calls out to me. I can’t even explain it.

  But how can we stop the shit going down between us? I already don’t see her the same way …

  “Thank you, Dad.’’

  “Anytime, Duke.’’ He ruffles my hair again and stands up with me.

  “I have to go. I’m supposed to meet Derek for coffee. I’m already late.’’ I say my goodbye, hug my father and walk out of the house, my cell phone in hand ready to call Derek to let him know I’ll b
e late. I can already hear the judgement in his voice. That guy is starting to be even more of a protector than I am with Skye. He’s so used to playing big brother with his little brother, Vader, that now he feels entitled to take under his wing every messed up human being.

  *

  SKYE

  “And you’ll graduate at the same time as Derek?” I ask Vanessa, Derek’s girlfriend. She doesn’t know me, so she probably thinks I’m really genuinely intrigued and interested. Derek’s look tells me he doesn’t buy it.

  The thing is, this Vanessa is a pretty girl with her long auburn hair and shiny light brown eyes. And she seems sweet and brilliant. She’s majoring in biology, looks very attached to Derek, but she’s not Kate. I can’t help it. I have nothing against Vanessa, but she’s not my best friend. My best friend is currently out with a guy she doesn’t care about at all just because it’s hard on her to know that Derek is getting serious enough with this girl to present her to his closest friends. The loyal part of myself can’t really open my heart to Vanessa. Truth to be told, I’m not even sure I could open my heart ever again.

  And then, there’s this other thing. Duke meeting Charles Marshall. I’m trying to forget about it, to not dwell on the fact that Duke is still not here, that he’s twenty minutes late, but I can’t. I can’t just ignore the guilt I feel, the uneasiness I feel when I think about the hurt and disappointment tainting his dark eyes when he dropped me off.

  “Yes. It feels crazy to think that we’re about to graduate. These last few years passed so fast.” She takes a sip of her green tea, and I check my phone for the hundredth time.

  “He’ll come, Skye,” Derek tells me with his soft voice and little smile breaking the worried expression glued to his face that he had as soon as he saw my bloodshot eyes when I walked in the coffee house. Since I began the therapy, I’m always crying.

  “I messed up.” I shake my head and smile at Vanessa, annoyed to show how fucked up I am in front of someone I never met before today, but she doesn’t say a word. She looks left out, but it’s not like I’m going to let her know everything about my private life.