Fix Up

by Stephanie Witter

I’m holding her hand.

  Fuck, I feel like a teenager holding hands with a girl for the first time. My palms are sweaty, my heart is hammering in my chest and my steps seem lighter all of a sudden. Yet, I still feel the pain she’s causing me, but hope is flaring, more than I thought it would.

  When she looked at me in her room, I saw regret and pain mirroring mine. And love. Yes, there’s still that intense and overwhelming love between us, and I just know that if she stays with me long enough, I can sway her and convince her that she can fight with me every fucking day of my life. That is if that means that I can still call her my girl and kiss her and make love to her. Fighting with her will never be as painful as it’s been to not have her in my life.

  I glance at her from the corner of my eye as we walk after Derek and Kate to my car, and I can almost see her mind working at the speed of light, along with doubts and fears emerging. I squeeze her hand once, but she doesn’t turn her head toward me. She keeps her eyes in front of her, determined not to let me lead her back to where we should be.

  But she’s not going to get rid of me that easily. I thought I shouldn’t hound her and wait until she comes back to me. I’ve spent weeks drowning myself in alcohol to get by because it hurts so damn much, but I came to the realization that she’s not going to come back to me since she thinks that she’s doing this for me, that I’m supposedly better off without her. If she knew all the dark thoughts I’ve had lately, she wouldn’t be so sure.

  I tug on my hair while still keeping her hand clasped in mine. Now, I’m just holding her hand, but I’ll have more of her. I forgot something while I was drowning in self-pity and sorrow. We’re meant to be. She and I, we’re it. I can’t be without this girl, this woman.

  My heart keeps hammering in my chest, reaching out for her. It’s still beating for her, and it never stopped.

  Chapter Fourteen

  SKYE

  I’m nursing my beer, now warm between my hands, while looking around me. It’s the same bar where Duke and I kissed and decided to see where it was going instead of fighting and ignoring it. When I see the other students getting drunk, sharing some stories and laughing, I feel … not left out, but more out of place.

  Kate is laughing genuinely, avoiding looking at Derek who has Vanessa at his side. Duke is not talking much, but is listening to some of his friends with a soft smile on his lips. Every couple of minutes he glances at me, careful to keep me in his line of sight, like he’s afraid I’d leave or something like that.

  And I’m surrounded by people I don’t know or who I’ve barely crossed paths with during the year. I’m not even listening to what they’re talking about. I have no fun story to share, no joke to tell. I brush away my hair and look up. My eyes lock with the guy next to me, someone I saw once at the frat house.

  He’s got nothing special, wavy brown hair, thin lips, crooked nose, thick eyebrows and dark green eyes. He’s taller than me but just barely, and he’s smiling at me with a smile I think he hopes is enticing. But it does nothing to me besides make me more nervous.

  My knuckles turn white around my beer bottle, but I don’t move. He did nothing and hadn’t even opened his mouth. I have to get used to talking to strangers. I have to stay calm and not freak out.

  “You’re very quiet,” he says, leaning closer to my ear for me to hear him above the voices and laughing around us. His breath smells of whisky.

  I grit my teeth, fighting the urge to move away. I chase away a chill threatening to take over my body. “Nothing much to tell, you know.”

  He leans again toward my ear, but before he can say another word, Duke is in front of me. He puts a hand on the guy’s shoulder, his strong fingers digging in a little. The guy pulls back and makes a face.

  “What are you doing, Cooper?”

  The guy, Cooper, frowns and shakes his head. “Talking. You, what are you doing?”

  I bite the inside of my cheek. I don’t like how they seem to challenge each other. Duke eyes the empty glass in Cooper’s hand and releases his grip on Copper’s shoulder. “Leave her alone.”

  “She’s not yours anymore from what I heard.”

  I cross my arms on my chest and straighten my back. Does this guy really think that I’d sleep with him just because he talked to me tonight? A wave of anger washes away the uneasiness I felt seconds ago. “Find another girl because I’m never going to put out with you.”

  I’m not sure with the dim light in the bar, but I think Cooper is blushing a deep red, and it has nothing to do with the alcohol he’s drank. He opens his mouth but thinks better of it and turns around, heading straight for the bar.

  Beside me, Duke chuckles. He elbows me softly. I look up and his dazzling smile warms my whole body—and even more my cheeks. I can’t believe I talked like this to a guy I don’t know. In a weird kind of way, it’s invigorating. It reminds me of the kind of girl I used to be. I was known to be the kind of girl you don’t mess with, the very straight forward and a little witty kind. It feels like another life entirely.

  “That was a good one,” Duke says, his deep voice turning the warmth inside of me to a furnace.

  Feeling him so close, his words still in my head, it’s too confusing. I bring the beer bottle to my lips and almost gag when the warm liquid hits my tongue. I’ve never been a big fan of beer, but warm beer is plain awful.

  “I didn’t need your help, you know.” I put the bottle on the high round table and turn to the side to face Duke. He’s not drinking, and I’m not even sure he had a drink so far.

  He comes closer to me, invading my personal space. Immediately, my blood rushes in my veins. He’s like an adrenalin rush to me. “I hate to see other guys hit on you.”

  I run the tip of my tongue on my lips and hear him suck in a breath. What am I doing? “You know I’d never go for it.”

  He brings both hands to my hips and slowly, too damn slowly, runs them along my back, his thumbs brushing slightly the curves of my breasts before he settles his hands behind my neck, in my wild hair. That’s … hot.

  I’m breathing erratically and probably louder, but in the loud bar and with my ears buzzing, I don’t really pay attention. All I feel are the trails of his hands and the weight of them behind my head as his eyes are traveling to and from my eyes and my parted lips. His body is not touching mine, and that’s the last thing that helps me to keep a small leash on my sanity.

  “Skye,” he says in a breath, “Most of the time I don’t know what you’re about to do.” He puts his forehead against mine and breathes me in.

  My hands at my sides are burning to touch him, but I can’t. We’re not together. I can’t lead him on to leave him afterward. I don’t even know what we’re doing right now. And we don’t even have the excuse of alcohol. Though, I think I’m drunk and high on Duke alone, and it’s a heady cocktail.

  “You should … go back to your friends.”

  “Come back to my room with me.”

  I close my eyes, but it doesn’t help. I’m bathing in his delicious smell and the ripples of tiny shivers enlightening my body. It should be easy to just take a step back and break contact with him, but it’s not. He’s breaking my resolve, and even if it’s frightening me, it’s not frightening me enough to turn my back on him.

  “Stop,” I plead, my breathy voice barely above a murmur, but he hears me. We’re way too close for him not to.

  “I’m not going to stop, Skye.” He tugs lightly on my hair making me open my eyes. Big mistake. Our eyes lock, and the passion, desire and love I see in his intense eyes is weakening me even more. “In fact, in about two minutes I’m going to grab your hand, climb in a cab with you and go back to my room with you.”

  “But …”

  “Don’t lie to me. You want me too.”

  “That’s not the point.”

  “Come back to my room. You have no idea what I want to do to you, what I dream about doing with you.”

  Without giving me the time to process his words, without
giving me the time to calm the desire taking control over me, he leads me out toward a cab waiting for clients. I barely saw Kate and Derek’s surprised faces on the way out, and really, my mind is too focused on what Duke wants to do with me to care about anything else.

  ***

  DUKE

  I need to calm down. I need to breathe and calm down.

  I’m hit with a nauseating smell made of what seems like vomit, stale alcohol and cold coffee. Cabs and their smell, sometimes it’s a wonder how you can just breathe without throwing up.

  I grit my teeth and try to not grab Skye sitting flushed next to me. All I want is to devour her mouth and touch her until she begs me for more. I can feel her warmth through her pants and mine. Every time she takes a breath or squirms next to me, I harden in my pants.

  I really need to calm down if I don’t want to lose it here, in a disgusting cab with a man I don’t know. This girl, I’m not sure she’s going to let me make love to her or if she’s going to get cold feet and leave me very frustrated and hurt.

  I dry my sweaty palms over my dark jeans and watch the campus start to appear in the distance, in between a few buildings. I can’t believe I’m going to be with Skye again. I can’t believe she’s going to let me be with her.

  Fear bubbles in my gut. But just one look at Skye, and I’m back to thinking only about her and me. Nothing else. She’ll see that there’s no stopping us. We’re unavoidable. We’re a wreck, but I signed up for it a little while ago. She just needs to realize that I’m ready for everything and anything as long as I’ve got her in my life. It’s time she fucking opens her eyes.

  Feeling my breaths getting faster, I know I won’t be able to hold off once we’re inside and alone. I left my control in that bar. I just need her.

  ***

  SKYE

  My back is to the door. Duke’s body is pressing against me as his hands are roaming everywhere. His breathing is labored in my right ear. Slowly, maddeningly slowly, he brushes the thin skin on my neck with his facial hair. I bite on my lower lip to keep me from moaning. Damn it, I love it when he does this.

  He pulls my blouse up, revealing my stomach, navel, bare to his touch. He doesn’t waste another second. Immediately, his hands are on my bare waist, traveling up and up, his hot skin burning mine, leaving goosebumps in their path.

  “Do you want me, Skye?” he asks me, his voice so hoarse that it makes the butterflies in my belly crazier than ever. I can hear the desire in his deep, low voice, and I can’t remember why we shouldn’t do this, why I shouldn’t be alone with him. I can’t think about anything. I can just feel.

  My cheeks get warm as I hide my face in his firm chest. I run my fingers lightly around his neck, reveling in the absence of the necklace he offered Juliet years ago. There’s nothing right now between us as my brain is shutting down under the pressure of my desire and the love I feel for him, the love that is at its peek when we let ourselves be together without restraint. I shiver.

  “Tell me, Skye. Tell me you want me. Tell me, what do you want?” He kisses my neck, his tongue tasting my skin, making me sigh. Then, he runs his lips along my jaw and puts two fingers under my chin to force me to look at him.

  As our eyes lock, I feel naked even though we’re both still fully clothed. “Kiss me.” I don’t recognize my voice at this moment as it leaves my swollen red lips. The need is audible, shaking me to my core.

  Duke closes his eyes for a brief moment at the sound of my voice, his hand on my hip spasms and moves up a notch, settling just under my breast. I gasp and cling to his broad shoulders, my nails clawing at his tee-shirt, making him groan. It’s way too … hot.

  “Is that all you want me to do? Kiss you?” he asks me, his voice sending shivers all through my body. I would have never guessed my desire for him would be more consuming, but it is. I feel like I’m burning up from the inside. I’m craving him, squirming against him.

  I can’t look away from his lips, these lips I want to feel everywhere on my body. God, I missed him so much! “Strip.”

  He offers me a devilish smirk, the kind that makes me want to do all the things I’d love to do, but I’m still too unsure to do. He pulls away and strips off his shirt, and I think for the first time since we became intimate, my eyes never spent more than a second on the tattoo he has in Juliet’s memory.

  I take a step toward him and strip off my blouse as my heartbeats increase. In the back of my head, a little voice is telling me to stop and run back to my room, but I can’t. Not now. It’s too late to stop.

  His eyes are eating me, so much so that I’m tempted to hide my lacy white bra, but before I begin to move my arms, he ravishes me with a scorching kiss, the kind that makes your toes curl.

  I moan in his mouth, and he answers with a groan of his own, shaking his chest under my palms. He runs his lips against my jaw, his facial hair doing things to my skin that send shivers down my spine.

  “Duke …” I tug on his hair and then push him closer into my neck. “Make love to me.”

  He doesn’t say a word, but he strips me naked and then him, his eyes never leaving mine while his hands try to touch every inch of my fair skin. “I missed you so fucking much.” He leans down, his lips, teeth and tongue are teasing my nipples, making me sigh louder and louder, banging my head against the door.

  “I can’t wait, Duke. Please.’’

  He kisses me back up to my mouth. “Tell me,” he says with his mouth against mine, his lips brushing mine with each word. “I need to hear your voice; I need to know that you really want it.”

  I can feel his desire against my stomach, too high from where I really want it. I bite the inside of my cheek; my mind racing with pictures conjured from the couple of times we’ve been together. “I need you inside me. I need to feel you inside me.”

  He lifts me up while I bring my legs around his strong waist, my feet still with my heels on dig into his firm ass. He groans, and before I can understand what he’s about to do, he thrusts inside me as my back connects with the door with a loud bang.

  “Hmm … Skye,” he mumbles in my neck, his breathing hot and shattered as I moan shamelessly, moving in rhythm with him and forgetting everything from my name to my self-consciousness.

  It’s rough, harsh, hard and desperate, but underneath it all, his hands are soft in my hair and on my hips. His lips are demanding, but never punishing. I claw at his shoulders, begging for more with inarticulate words, but I don’t know what I’m asking for more of? Is it more of him inside of me? Is it harder that I’m asking? I don’t know, but I want it all as our movements become faster, our bodies slipping against each other with sweat glistening over our skin. Barely hear the banging sounds we’re making against the door, I really don’t care at this moment as my orgasm is building devastatingly.

  “Duke … I’m … Don’t stop.”

  “Fuck, Skye. Let go with me.”

  And on his hoarse command, I let go, moaning his name one last time at the same time as he is mine. All the tension leaves my body at once, and I’m left exhausted, still up just thanks to Duke’s grip. He puts me back down and cages me between him and the door, his arms secured around me. We’re both shaking, and even if it’s always a little awkward after sex, I don’t dwell on it, asking myself what I should do or say. I’m in his arms, and I feel … good. No, I feel way more than just good.

  But I shouldn’t, Not after I broke up with him, not after I shattered his heart after he gave me his whole heart without holding anything back. The sweet bliss disappears, and I’m left with dread and fear. I worm out of his arms, bringing my arms up to cover my naked breasts before I start putting back on my clothes minus my underwear after kicking off my heels. I feel Duke’s eyes on me, but I can’t face him.

  “Skye?”

  I freeze in the middle of my task to button up my jeans and sigh before resuming my work. I don’t turn around, but I do hear him walking around to stand in front of me, with all his naked glory to blind me. My ch
eeks instantly warm, but I don’t know if it’s from embarrassment of lust I’m feeling underneath it all. Damn it, it’s too confusing even for me.

  “Don’t say a word.” I put my underwear in my purse, put on my shoes with a grimace and straighten.

  “You can’t blame alcohol for what happened. You didn’t finish your beer, and I just had one. We weren’t drunk,” he says, his voice stern.

  I nod and shoulder my bag. I never imagined I’d be in such a predicament. I always thought that I’d never be the kind of girl to leave right after sex, but I always thought that I’d be the one getting left after sex. After all, Sean did it several times when we were together. Only Duke never did. He never left me when he knew I needed him, even when he was freaking out. Me on the other hand … I run my hands on my face suddenly tired. I’m not tired like you are after a mind blowing orgasm, it’s the kind of tired that makes you want to hide from the world in your bed for the next decade or so.

  “I know, but I have to go.”

  “Should I understand that it means nothing at all? That you just wanted to have sex so …” he trails off, his voice conveying the same hurt I heard the last time we had a confrontation. How much more of them will we have before he definitely hates me? Would it be better for both of us if he hates me? I’m not sure I’d be able to accept hatred for me. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up. I bring a hand to my stomach.

  “Why did you take the job here in Seattle?”

  “I told you.” He runs a hand on my cheek, his fingers whispering on my heated skin. “I can’t leave.”

  I can’t just stay like this. He thinks he wants me, to be with me, but he only sees a small part of me. I’m getting better, but there’re parts of me I’m dreading to let out. It’s worse with him, the man I love and that I want him to have a certain opinion of me. He saw me breaking down, he saw me angry, he saw me sad, he saw me afraid, but he never saw the despair in me, not the darkest despair in me that I let out only with Dr. Marshall. But he needs to hear this. Duke needs to hear and see who I really am instead of this magnified version of me that is polluting his mind.