I nod my head in thanks but don’t respond. I mean, what can I say? Thanks for telling me my friend is dead. A woman who I thought would be family one day.
He gives me a tight smile before disappearing out the door.
The second he’s gone, the tears return and I break down all over again.
----------
I walk into the hospital and head for the maternity ward. I’ve never been in here so I really don’t know where I’m going. I wander around for a little while before I pass the nursery. I look through the window to see it filled with little pink and blue wrapped babies.
Cass sits in a corner with her hand on a crib, gently rocking and looking as though she is very close to falling asleep on the poor little baby.
I gently knock on the window, hoping I don’t wake up any of the babies. Cassie’s eyes ping open as she looks up. She sees me out the window and lights up for the quickest moment. I give her a sad smile and that light completely disappears. Her face breaks, her lips tighten and the tears spring to her eyes.
She looks down and checks the baby before rushing out of the room. I catch her in my arms and together we weep over our lost friend.
“Are you alright?” I ask after a few minutes.
She sniffles and dries her eyes on the back of her hands. “No,” she says. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m so out of my league here and it’s only been a few hours.”
“I know,” I tell her.
“Every time she cries, I can’t help but think she needs her mummy.” The second the word ‘mummy’ comes out of her mouth, we both break down again.
“Do you want to come and meet her?” Cass finally asks.
“Yeah, I’d love to,” I tell her.
She takes my hand and we walk into the nursery, being as quiet as possible. She leads me over to her niece and I take her in. “Wow,” I say as I look down at the little angel. “She’s beautiful.”
A tear escapes my eye as I notice how most of her little features are an exact baby version of Sara’s. The big eyes, the light hair, the cheeks. It just goes on and on. “She looks just like her,” I murmur.
“Yeah,” Cass says. “She sure does.”
“Does she have a name yet?” I ask.
“No… actually, I don’t know. She’s just baby Waters for now. Sean has come to see her once, he looked at her for about thirty seconds before he broke down and left. He didn’t say anything about a name so I’m just calling her Bubby for now.”
Damn. Every word she says just hurts. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for all of them. “Do you know what you’re going to do when she gets discharged?” I ask.
“No, I’ve been thinking about it. I’m not sure if I should move in with Sean until he can handle it or if I just set up a nursery at home and keep her with me. I guess it all depends on Sean. She’s either going to help him heal or make it harder.”
“I can’t imagine being in your position right now,” I tell her. “Just remember I’m here if you need me.”
The baby cries and Cass looks up at the clock with an unsure cringe. “I think she’s hungry again,” she says but it comes out more like a question. “Or maybe she wants to sleep…?”
“Ok, grab her a bottle and we’ll give it a try,” I tell her, trying to take away the worry and concern. “If that’s not what she wants, she’ll tell you and then we can try a sleep.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” she says before disappearing. She returns a minute later with a bottle in hand. “I don’t know why I’m freaking out so much about this.”
“Don’t stress, it’s normal,” I tell her. “Besides, it’s not like you’ve had time to read up on this and prepare. It’s just been dumped on you when you’re already trying to deal with Sara’s passing. It’s not like everyone’s expecting you to be the baby whisperer. Just keep her safe until her Daddy can take over.”
“Do you want to do it?” she asks, holding the bottle out to me.
“Do I ever,” I smile as I gently lean over the crib and pull this beautiful child into my arms. I take a seat on the couch and take the bottle from Cassie. I get a little bib put on her and help her take the teat into her mouth. She takes it greedily and I smile as she sucks back her bottle.
“Wow, how did you get her to do that?” Cassie asks. “She’s been struggling with me.”
“You need to relax when you’re with a baby. They can sense when you’re upset and anxious.”
“Well I can’t really help that right now,” she scoffs.
“I know, but when you’re with her, just be with her. Push everything else to the side,” I tell her. “Everything with her parents is completely out of your control so all you need to do is think about her. She needs to feel safe with you and that will come with your confidence.”
She pushes out her bottom lip. “I love you,” she says.
“I love you, too,” I smile.
The door to the nursery opens and Carter comes waltzing in. He looks up as he strolls over but comes to a startling stand still when he sees me with a baby in my arms. His eyes roam over me and then the baby as separate people, but then he looks at us differently, as if he could picture this baby being mine.
He stands motionless and looks completely lost for words. “I… um… just wanted to check on the baby.”
The thought of Carter looking out for a baby kills me, but then makes me wonder if maybe having this baby around might help to change his view on the whole having kids thing. I mean, if he could negotiate on that, then I can negotiate on the marriage thing. As long as I can somehow have him in my life.
I smile up at Cassie. “I better get going,” I tell her.
“What?” she shrieks. “Don’t leave. I need you.”
I stand up and hand the baby over and help Cassie get comfortable. “You’ll be fine. Once she’s halfway through, put her up on your shoulder and pat her back until she does a burp. Do that again when she finishes the bottle.”
“Ok,” she says. “Why does she need to burp?”
“She’ll get wind pains if you don’t, and trust me, you don’t want that,” I explain.
“Right, and what should I do after that?”
“Breathe,” I tell her with an encouraging smile. “Once she’s finished her bottle, change her nappy and give her a cuddle. She should go off to sleep after that.”
“Thanks,” she says with sincerity.
I bend down and give her a kiss on the cheek. “Call me if you need me, ok?”
She gives me a thankful smile and I see the relief in her eyes. I turn to leave and give Carter an awkward as fuck smile before walking straight past.
I have a shit load of lesson planning and homework grading to do, but instead, I head to the shops and buy everything Cassie might need for having a baby in her home.
Chapter 10
Brianna
I get myself dressed and ready early before jumping in my car, or Bobby’s car, which I’ve pretty much stolen from him and head over to Cassie’s place. She’s pretty much been left with the baby while Sean comes to terms with everything. He hasn’t been coping very well at all and finds it hard to acknowledge the poor thing.
I mean, she still doesn’t have a name and I’m a strong believer that every child should have a name the second they’re born, though, I understand this is unusual circumstances, but he will come around. I’m sure of it.
It’s been four days since Sara’s death and today is the big day where we all say goodbye. I figured I’d head over to Cassie’s place first to help her get ready, as let’s face it, Jax is quite useless with the baby. Even when he thinks he’s helping to give Cass a break, she still needs to be there as he has absolutely no idea what he’s doing.
After that first day, Cassie worked out what to do and she has settled into the role with ease, well… mostly with ease. As any new parent would be, she’s absolutely exhausted with the constant state of ‘on’ she needs to be.
Sara’s parents have been help
ful, but with their elderly age combined with the devastation over losing their only daughter and making the funeral arrangements, there’s only so much they’ve been able to do. So, unfortunately for Cass, she doesn’t get much help.
I knock on the door and push my way through. “It’s just me,” I call out while also trying to be quiet.
The baby’s cries are the first thing I hear, followed by Jax’s voice politely asking the baby to go to sleep. I follow the sound into the living room where Jax stands, bouncing the baby in his arms.
“Oh, thank God,” Jax says the moment he sees me. He walks forward and instantly hands her over. “I wasn’t made for babies,” he admits. “Especially ones this small.”
I laugh as I lay her down on the couch and fix up her blanket before cuddling the blonde beauty into my arms. “You’ll pick it up eventually,” I tell him.
“Yeah, I’m not too sure about that,” he says. “Give me a toddler any day. I can drop one of those without breaking it.”
I roll my eyes as I get comfortable on the couch. I look down at the baby who still seems very wide awake. “When was the last time she fed?”
“I don’t know,” he says. “Cass is having a shower. She said all I had to do was watch her while she slept, but then she woke up and started crying.”
“So… you’re trying to put her back to sleep?” I grin.
“Well yeah,” he grunts as if it’s a stupid question.
“She’s hungry, dude,” I tell him as I get up and head into the kitchen. Jax helps me pinpoint where Cass keeps the bottles and formula, and then it’s not long before this baby is settled on my lap with a bottle in her mouth.
“God help you when you guys have kids,” I tell him.
“Tell me about it,” he replies, looking horrified for what his future will hold.
“Hey,” I hear Cass say with relief in her voice as she sees me cradling this precious baby. “Sorry that took so long but I kind of fell asleep while shaving my legs.”
“No problem,” I laugh
“What are you doing here?” she questions as she looks over my shoulder to check on the baby.
“I thought you could use a baby sitter while you got ready,” I tell her.
“Thank fuck,” Jax sighs in relief. “I was worried I’d have to do it.”
Cass rolls her eyes at her husband before dragging me out of the room. We head upstairs with the baby and make ourselves comfortable in her massive walk in wardrobe which is pretty much the same size as my bedroom in my tiny, pathetic apartment.
She riffles through her clothes searching for the perfect black dress to wear to the funeral. Once she finds something appropriate, she matches it with a pair of heels before heading into the bathroom to start on her hair and makeup.
She’s just about done when I look at the clock and realize it’s time to leave. I duck out of her room with a sleeping baby attached to my chest and find the room they’re using as the nursery, which actually takes me longer than I thought, seeing as though this place is a fucking mansion.
I go through all the little outfits she has but can’t really find anything appropriate for a funeral as everything is pretty much white or pink. I decide on a white dress thinking it could be symbolic of her innocence and unconditional love she’s bound to have for her mummy.
I head downstairs to find Cassie madly packing a nappy bag, filling it with hundreds of nappies, wipes, spare outfits, spare bottles and practically a whole tin of formula. I grin to myself but don’t say a thing.
Cass hears my heels clicking on the tiles and looks up. A brilliant smile comes over her face as she takes in the baby in her pretty dress. “Oh, look at you,” she coos to the baby as she lifts her out of my arms. “You are the most beautiful creature in the world.”
Jax grabs the nappy bag off the bench and we all head out to his truck. There’s going to be a celebration of Sara’s life here after the funeral so I decide to hop in Jax’s truck as it’d be pointless for me to drive.
We arrive at the church and I find it packed with Sara’s friends and family. We head on in and right up in front is Sean, greeting everyone and putting on a show, pretending to be cheerful when we all know he’s absolutely wrecked.
My eyes fall on Carter next and I instantly take in the suit. The last time I saw him in one of those was Cassie’s wedding, the night he realized we couldn’t continue. I try my hardest to push the memory away as we’re here for Sara, not to go over the reasons for my broken heart.
I tear my eyes off him and make my way down the aisle with Cass and Jax. Fuck, today is going to be hard.
I push the pram to give myself a distraction and head straight for Sean. I give him a big hug and watch as he looks down at his daughter. “How’s she going?” he asks quietly.
“Good,” I say with an encouraging nod, then take a risk. “She could really use her Daddy.”
He doesn’t respond, just watches her with longing. I dip down into the pram and pull the sleeping beauty out. “Here,” I say handing her over.
He starts to object but I thrust her towards him and force him to take her. He awkwardly takes her from me and I help him to adjust her in his arms. She instantly lets out a sigh and snuggles in closer, as if she knows perfectly well who he is.
He falls in love with her right before my eyes and I realize this must be the first time he’s actually held her. He shuffles over towards the pew and takes a seat while ignoring all the people around him who want to remind him of everything he’s lost.
This was Sara’s gift to him and maybe all he needs is a moment to catch up.
I look around and see everyone’s eyes on him. Cassie has soft tears falling from her eyes while Logan and Carter look ridiculously identical with their heart break written all over their faces.
Sean puts his finger up and crushes my heart as his daughter latches onto it like she’d never let go. I take a seat beside him and look down at the baby. “I think she misses her,” I tell him honestly.
“Why?” he questions.
“Because she spent the last nine months loving her unconditionally. She cradled her and talked to her every day. I know they didn’t get a chance to bond face to face, but I like to think that she knew who her mummy was.”
“Thanks, Bri,” he says with sincerity.
“You’re the closest link each of you have to Sara,” I tell him. “Don’t push her away.”
“Never,” he whispers as he looks down at his baby girl who resembles her mother in the most incredible way.
The priest approaches Sean and lets him know it’s time to get started. With a nod, Sean hands the baby over to me and rounds up the boys. They head outside while the guests take their seats and I lean over to Cass. I tell her that I’ll watch the baby during the funeral knowing that she’s performing a few songs during the ceremony and needs one less thing to worry about.
A few minutes later, the priest welcomes everybody while Cassie gets up and adjusts the microphone. Music starts and the words of ‘Hallelujah’ comes flowing out of her mouth filling the church with its heartbreaking sound.
The triplets come in slowly, holding Sara’s coffin along with Jax, her father, and her cousin.
Watching them walk down the aisle breaks me and tears start flowing from my eyes as I hold my dear friend’s child while I tell her goodbye.
Nothing on this earth will ever make this moment ok.
Death is such a natural thing. It happens all the time and eventually will happen to us all, so it should be easy to say goodbye, but in reality, it’s the hardest thing known to man.
The boys place her down gently at the front of the church and take their seats. Sean sits down on my right and reaches for the baby while Carter sits to my left. He pulls my hand into his and I allow him to, as quite frankly, I need him right now. I know letting go later is going to hurt but I can’t find it within me to care.
We don’t look at each other and I think it’s better that way. He rubs his thumb over my
knuckles and gives me all the comfort he can offer. All I want in this moment is to curl into him and cry, but I hold myself back because I’m not entitled to that luxury any more.
Cassie’s song comes to an end and she comes to sit with Jax, allowing the priest to get started.
The time comes for Sean’s eulogy and it’s the most difficult thing to witness. He stands before the congregation with red rimmed eyes and takes a shaky breath. He waits for a moment, finding it too hard to start, but then looks to his daughter to find the strength.
He starts talking about the type of wife and friend Sara was and describes how they met and fell in love. The further along his speech he gets, the harder the words are to come out until grief completely overtakes him and he can no longer go on.
Carter rises beside me and steps up to the altar, he embraces his brother before taking the speech out of his hands. Sean sits down beside me with tears in his eyes as he weeps. I hand the baby to him, realizing he needs her now more than ever. He greedily takes her and pulls her up to his face. He wraps her in his arms, getting as close to her as possible before letting the tears flow freely.
Carter watches Sean with tears in his eyes but remains strong. He quickly searches through Sean’s speech and picks up where he left off.
It’s hard to listen to Carter speaking for his brother, but that’s the kind of guy he is. I wouldn’t have expected anything else from him.
He finishes up the speech and takes his seat.
Cass gets up and sings another song and before we know it, we’re heading to the cemetery.
I stand by Cassie and latch onto her hand as we watch the boys lower her into the ground.
One by one, the guests leave the cemetery, leaving just us and Sara’s closest friends and family behind.
Everybody who stays behind receives an offer to come to Cassie’s place for dinner and a celebration of Sara’s life, and as expected, they all show up.
We sit around the massive living room, each with a drink in hand, toasting to our memories of the woman we never wanted to say goodbye to.
Carter Page 7