Suck Less: Where There's a Willam, There's a Way
Page 11
NYC/SoCal—The Adonis parties. So much penis.
San Francisco, CA—Nob Hill Theatre. (“Theatre” is spelled fancy so be couth. Don’t nut on the floor.)
Washington, DC—Secrets. Guys so dirty they installed a shower for you to watch them get wet in.
23
How to SUCK LESS at
DIGITAL DATING
Dating profiles should always leave whoever’s viewing it wanting something: wanting to see more, wanting to find out more, wanting to find out if they really aren’t here to hook up. Brevity is the soul of wit. That means keep it short and funny. If you’re bad at jokes, put the beginning of a knock-knock joke in and see if anyone says “Who’s there?” When strippers would take photos for picture-submission jobs I was casting, I would tell them to keep two things in mind: look friendly and look desirable. Nobody wants to see a professional Blue Steel glare from a magazine editorial you did. A quick glance should net any viewer two and a half outta the following three things: intelligence, stability, looks. I know it seems like a lot to convey in a short profile, but think of it this way: When you eliminate the negative, more positives have room to show. Don’t put “Looking for a new workout buddy,” because then it looks like you’re not motivated enough on your own and may be out of shape. Writing “Looking for a roommate” is dead wrong, too. I don’t want you eyeballing my dresser when you’re fucking me, wondering if there’s room for your socks. No, sir… and you can’t use my building’s gym on the way out. This is a doorman building. Punch it and roll out. I want my parking pass back, too.
Nothing makes me want to write back less than a clothed headless torso as a profile pic, especially if it’s a site geared toward more than just hooking up. You can always reply to these mystery-man queries with “Looks like you forgot to fill in your stats and put up a pic.” I mean c’mon. Make me ask one fewer question. A face should be a given. If someone sends you a torso shot, give their headless horseman ass directions to Sleepy Hollow. Go fuck up Ichabod Crane’s world. Bye. Having a pic with your face visible and a toned body (or your shirt off if you’re a guy) provides so much intel for someone deciding whether to further explore options with you or just hit BLOCK. Showing that you’re confident with your body is such an earmark of authenticity. I’m sure you have a great personality, but personalities don’t make dicks hard and pussies slick, do they? You need to get them into the store with the window display and then sell them with the product’s features. I’ve found that if someone doesn’t have a shirtless shot but will send three dick pics, chances are he’s still gonna tell you he’s in shape. Unfortch for you, that shape is a bloated polygon. Like, you can take pics of your junk but can’t show me that the only spare tire you got is in your trunk? Bye.
This would constitute a good profile. And I say that because this is what I’ve been using since I took the pic in Hawaii last year. It gets me laid. If you look closely enough, I’m laying on a towel with my own picture on it so it’s not like I’m trying to hide that I crossdress for money and attention in between dick buffets.
This is just bad. Remember to consider your background when selecting profile pics. I mean, a wig in the background could mean the guy is a hairdresser. But that begs the question, does he do color or just cuts? And if so, does he sell coke like that one guy at Shorty’s? Additionally, not being forthcoming with pertinent details and contradicting information would lead to me hitting block.
YOU CAN CALL IT “E-FUCKERY”
Guys, you have to ask nowadays if the person you’re talking to has a penis. It’s like how sometimes sandwiches at the airport don’t list tomato as an ingredient but then, lo and behold, you unwrap it and there it is. Some of these girls’ surgeons are real fuckin’ slick. Just make sure.
Masc Vers Power top on Prep for Masc vers power btm on prep. Blond only (no ash bases). 24 hour on weekdays. Golds on weekends.
BarebackRT A social networking site for drag queens. Just kidding. It’s short for Bareback Real Time.
Adam4Adam For people still with AOL addresses, masseuses, and party play. Lots of guys who want to meet in cars or on nature trails after park hours.
Tinder For people who might want to date each other after they do the I-never-do-this-kinda-thing things on the first date.
Grindr For powder people, be it protein, cocaine, or the bronzer they dust up with.
Scruff The San Francisco to LA’s Grindr. More hair in more places.
Blendr Straight people Grindr but with lots of trahnz, too.
GROWLr Oink, woof, snort. Animal noises rule here because you’re supposed to let anyone sniff your ass or else you’re shallow or a body elitist.
Craigslist CL people tend to want to keep things on the low—their activities, their standards, and the graves they’ve possibly pre-dug for your freshly fucked corpse.
Ashley Madison For blackmailers and people who weren’t raised right. Check it out. It’s super fun.
ItsJustLunch For people too busy to find their own tail but who will eat a salad instead of just diving into the business-lady special between the legs.
POF “Plenty of fish” pretty much stands for “plenty of fuck” ’cause everybody wanna smash.
Eros Another social networking site for individuals with mix-and-match genitalia, money on their minds, and a timer on their phones.
Backpage Like the back page of a dirty local magazine.
Jack’d A great spot to find urban ass and more DL than D. L. Hughley.
Specificity is key. You don’t have to fill in everything. Like, if you don’t have a pet, leave it blank. Don’t write “Doggy in the corner with door unlocked.” Say what you’re looking for instead of what you are. Put out into the world what you want to attract and it’s more likely to come to you. I just wrote that because it sounds true, but I have no clue if it is.
I do know you should never say “Looking for tops,” because that makes you seem like a greedy whore bottom. Say you’re looking for a top. Singular. I mean you only have one asshole, so unless it’s Pride or someone’s anniversary, one should suffice. Or wait. I forgot about three-ways. Then you could say “tops” plural. But if it’s a weekday, you’ll look like a skank. Weekdays are for finding new people to fuck. Weekends are for fucking the good ones again.
One great icebreaker to talk about is safety. Ask them how they scored on their last HIV test. Did they win? I’m a big safety girl, so I always have a spare OraQuick rapid-result test on hand. Remember that episode of SaTC where homeboy said to Samantha that he couldn’t fuck her or eat her the way he wanted to until she got an HIV test? Well, this test is great because you can do the quick swab test and just fool around and get handsy for fifteen to twenty minutes while the results develop. Then you can decide if the tasting menu will include a pig in a blanket or just straight-up wiener.
Anyone who leaves a status or preference blank kinda makes me wary. Like, don’t make me ask. It’s there for a reason. Some guys prefer to hook up only with sereo-coordinate guys. Some take twenty loads on a Tuesday. Let people know what they’re in for. I got to a guy’s house once and found out he was in a wheelchair. I saw a giant dick on the profile and hopped right in the car, didn’t think to ask about basic motor functions. Not that I minded. Riding dick is a fave, and his upper body was so jacked from all the rolling he did. Everything was right as rain and I woulda run a telethon for his ass by the end of the night. But again: Ask questions. Say “Hey, anything I should know? Crazy neighbors, no furniture, missing limbs, handicapped ramps?” Wheelchair dude ended up not calling me back after I wanted to hang out again. I really liked him, but I’d rather keep my pride than chase anyone who isn’t into me, especially ’cause he probably had some sorta motorized scooter that could outlast my wind power.
If someone doesn’t make a move after you present the option, then bounce. Put the coin on the dresser and hit the door. Sex is just sex sometimes. Maybe you were OK for a taste but not a swallow. Whatever. You’re gonna strike out someti
mes. As a rule, I hit on everyone to a degree and eventually someone says yes. Y’know, like you make a joke that may or may not be you hitting on them. Like after swimming, say “Wow, dick. I didn’t know there’d be all that dick. Let’s snorkel.” Obviously, their penis wouldn’t be a suitable device for underwater air delivery, but if they ain’t into you, they’ll overlook it. It’s cool.
I tried and failed to get with a lot of my friends. Had I persisted and tried to shove their genitals into my mouth, I may not have the buddies I have today. Like when I’m trying to not eat a ton, I always remind myself that there will be other meals. Use the same principle. Don’t talk to me about YOLO either. It’s just a douche-bag way of saying seize the day, and you should never seize someone’s genitals. There’s no castle between your thighs where Wario has hidden the princess and Yoshi. I repeat: YOLO doesn’t apply to genitals. If a friend says no, let it go.
Now that we’re on a genitalia-based topic, let’s go back to pictures. Block anyone who leads with a butthole pic. I think your profile pic should be you in whatever amount of clothing you’d be comfortable in when answering the door. I’d answer in boxers, so I’ll put up one in boxers. It’s gotta feel unforced. Balancing the effortless appearance of a profile with how much actual work went into it can be deceiving. Maybe proofread it with an honest friend. The goal is to get dick and not to sound like a dick while correcting other profiles’ grammatical errors. If you can’t get a simple homonym right, I’ll probably wonder if you’ll be able to figure out how the intercom works to ring me when you’re at the gate. Education is important, but big biceps are importanter. Again, no one’s ever asked for a picture of a diploma on Tinder.
Those who say they can’t send out a picture that’s easily identifiable are probably fakes. Even worse are those who won’t give an exact address (it happens!). Vague “Meet me on the corner of” doesn’t play well with me. A desire to keep one’s creep game on the low is fine, but don’t ask someone to follow some Goonies-like adventure just to get into your place—telling them to park, then wait for a guy with a dog, but if you see the gate open, come through, but take your shoes off and then come in through a window. I wanna fuck, not play Mouse Trap.
HOW NOT TO GET HUSTLED
(FULL DISCLOSURE: I was one of the people in the following story and I won’t say which one.)
Once upon a time, Man #1 was looking for some fun so he decided to get some head from Man #2 who he had just met on the internets. Man #2 walked up in Man #1’s hotel room and immediately put on some music. They ended up by the bed and #2 started to make balloon animals with the #1 standing up. #1 eventually sat down and #2 slid up #1’s body and grabbed some pillows. One for his knees and one for behind #1’s head. #1 laid back and relaxed while #2 quietly went through the pants of #1’s which were around his ankles still. Once in that wallet, #2 took all the money and put the wallet back in the pocket from whence it came. Then the other dude came. They all lived fucktardely ever after.
Draw what I’m runing from.
24
How to SUCK LESS at
REBOUNDING
Fuck buddies are perfect for right after a breakup. Not everyone you fuck is gonna turn into a relationship. I know people who have fucked me, then seen me the very next day and wouldn’t have pissed on me if I were in a dumpster fire (that was a nickname I had once, BTW). Fucking someone multiple times and hoping their NSA attitude will change is also a bad idea. Hamsters don’t turn into unicorns. If someone tells you or shows you who they are, believe them. I know that many people think sex activity occurring multiple times over many months can kinda shift things, but fuck buddies sometimes never turn into anything more. Sex is fun, and people like to have fun with their friends. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying someone else’s physical company and then not wanting to have to ever put on a suit around them or meet them for sushi. I literally just wrote this section on a plane coming home from the UK, traveling with a really good friend I casually fucked. I’m not allowed to say his name because it would make all our mutual friends go “Ewwww,” so maybe keeping the social and the sexual further apart than what would be normal isn’t a terrible idea.
Now, everybody wants what they can’t have, right? You ever think about hitting up your friend’s ex? I sure have. Here’s the math to figure out whether it’s OK to do so: You need to wait one week for every month they were together before you can fuck them. If you want to blow them, you have to wait three to six weeks, depending on how many people live in your town. Also, get real schwasted so you can at least blame the alcohol. If you see somebody who is basically yours even though you ain’t together at that exact moment, there are a few things to do: (a) make sure he notices you somehow; (b) remove any jewelry and get a hair tie just in case some shit goes down; (c) be a fuckin’ adult and go about your day; or (d) all the above. Please remember that dick is an organically recurring natural resource. Every time a male baby is born, more dick gets released into the wild, so there is never a dick drought. Be prepared to get friend fired if you get caught. Also, if you do go through with it, make sure your friend whose ex you’re fucking with doesn’t have “Share my location” on your texts with you and others.
HOW TO GET A TRICK
Hooking up is like beer pong. Everyone should have fun, and way to go if it leads to a championship round or an actual relationship. But you can’t let championship stakes affect how you do in the first round. Knowing the diff between the kinda date whose armpit you lick and the kinda date whose armpit you cuddle up in is imperative. The kinda person you would give the last Totino’s pizza roll to. Sometimes it’s just not a comfortable thing. There’s one guy I ever actually cuddled with and I only did that because I was afraid that if I made him pull out, I was gonna shit on him but it was all good and he ended up giving me his dog tags. I made him feel good, so he gave me jewelry. It’s all about value. You want someone who values your time and skills while appreciating that some fun won’t fuck up their current day-to-day life.
Many men will act all cuddle buddy on the low but turn into rapists on the go once their dick blood gets going. The casual spoon will turn into a forcible fork real damn quick. They act all surprised by their boner and said “Sorry” literally seconds before trying to shove it in. It’s like trying to blow a bubble after two chews on a new stick of gum. No. Same goes for you bottoms. If he gets a little hard, that’s cool. It’s a compliment. But don’t take that as an all-systems-go sign and try to shove all that barely half-masted dick up your ass. Suck it first. “Lick it before you stick it” was definitely not something Moses said, but it’s a goddamn commandment to me.
If I’m trying to turn a friend into something more, I always go for a nice, non-aggro hang. Intentionally don’t wash your genitals. That way you know you won’t have sex with whoever is coming over. It ensures you will not look thirsty boots by trying to get some D, P, or A the first time around. If you get a this-was-fun-we-should-do-this-again vibe, definitely wash your junk real nice the next time you kick it. My favorite spot to take people I wanna fuck but am not sure if I’m friendzoning is Jumbo’s Clown Room. The girls there are technically strippers, but they really go whole hog with the gigs and sexy routines. It’s always looked at as a performance because it’s a novelty atmosphere. Seeing if a gay man is comfortable watching a girl drop that pussy from the ceiling to the floor on the pole in a nanosecond is really enlightening to me. If they appreciate that sensual sitches can have levity and be fun, and if they can have a good time in a hypersexualized room, they can probably have a good time in bed, too. One note: If you’re a gay guy at a strip club, resist the urge to yell “Yaaaas, bitch” no matter what. Some of the foreign strippers don’t get that “bitch” can be a term of endearment. The other girls may get it, but there’s always that one Russian girl who don’t play. (Hi, Akira! Let’s do the ring toss again soon!)
If the strip club or whatever icebreaker you set up goes well, feel free to do a casual “Hey! Hands up
if you like sex!” survey. There’s nothing wrong with being straight up. Chances are the person you’re with likes sex, ’cause who doesn’t, right? So half the battle is won. Now you just have to figure out how to ask them, and if you have to keep trying to look cute when you see them, you can just be lesbefriends in sweats and a topknot.
HOW TO LOSE A TRICK
If you know you want someone gone even before they get there, turn the water off underneath the sink in the bathroom. Tell them you gotta be quick after they say they’re on their way over, ’cause then they know their Cinderella is a pumpkin timer. Add that the plumber or landlord is gonna be there soon, but they were just so hot blah, blah, cock gobble, blah. Flight attendants call it a turn ’n’ burn. Quick landing and then right back up into the sky. Have some Purell on standby and maybe a hand towel, two max. Don’t be letting them use a big bath towel. Throw in a pair of jeans, those sheets you just fucked up, and a towel and then boom—that’s a load of wash from you taking a load. No, ma’am. California has a drought and I’m doing my part.
Set a safety alarm for about five to ten minutes after they are due to arrive so you can play the fake phone call game and have an excuse to bail in case they’re ugly boots. You can always pretend it was a voice mail from a doctor about a skin tag. Skin tag is basically an erectile-safe word.
I once accidentally made an off-color remark about color, and it made a trick leave. I had wanted him to be my fucking king. I met him on Jack’d, and he came over to explore some options. He was texting and sexting on the way over and telling me how he was gonna slam me with his BBC and telling me to get ready. So I told him he could call me Amistad ’cause I like to give rough rides to black guys. Apparently, that’s racist. So now I generally try to avoid jokes like that. The only people who can acceptably say “Once you go black, you never go back” are Home Depot paint department workers who can’t stress the importance of a good primer before dark colors.