by Willam Belli
Willam’s sorry if blaccent offends, but he’s totally blaccurate about Ru doing it.
booster [boo-ster] noun
somebody who steals to resell for a profit
Call that one booster who got me my living room set to get a six-pack if it’s after last call.
boots [bootz] grammatical modifier or
exclamation (origin: Erica Andrews)
1: (grammatical modifier) a word that adds emphasis to whatever it’s used in reference to (a derivative of the phrase “house down boots”)
Her behavior at the club was shitty boots.
2: (exclamation) an affirmative response about something that is going to occur
When Mikey said he was coming over for some ass, I was like “Yes! Boots!”
bridealize [bri-dee-uh-lize] verb
to go overboard when fantasizing about a wedding
Um, they met on Grindr yesterday and he’s already bridealizing their gay wedding cruise.
brick [brik] noun
a bitch with hard angles and not an ounce of softness
That brick who won the newcomer pageant has all the softness of a driveway.
C chicken bucket dress [chik-uhn buhk-it dres] noun
a skimpy garment that displays all of one’s legs and breasts like that of a KFC Family Meal and that one tips around in after the show, aka a tipping dress or a turnting garment
Chaselyn just had her boobs done, so she put on her tiniest chicken bucket dress even though it was the dead of winter.
cliffhanger [klif-hang-er] noun
a toe that extends beyond the intended length of one’s shoe
These shoes give me a little bit of a cliffhanger but not full-on Raja foot.
clock [klok] verb
to spot an act or something that is intended to be stealth
Mary, you think you’re slick, but I clocked you trying to steal my tips.
cubikill [kyoo-bih-kill] noun
verbal abuse of a call-in center worker until you get what you want
Initiate a cubikill only when you’re certain a call is not being recorded for posterity.
cupcaking [kup-kayk-ing] verb
the act of farting in one’s hand and then scooping it up toward another individual
I told the new shot boy to smell my new Tom Ford scent, but then I totally cupcaked the fag.
D debtiquette [det-i-ket] noun
a standard of ethical behavior one should subscribe to when in debt to another person
Stephen the stripper has owed Willam $600 for three years but seems to think enjoying vacations and expensive tattoos is more important than good debtiquette. Hey girl!
daywalkers [day-wah-kuhrz] plural noun
a term popular for transsexuals and transvestites who go out in the day but shouldn’t
Did you see that daywalker run out of the wig store with her neck looking all gravely and Nestlé Crunchled?
dickscretion [dik-skresh-en] noun
keeping private matters about private matters private
I won’t tell you which X-men’s penis I had in my hand because I have a high level of dickscretion.
dickstracted [dik-strak-tid] adjective
wasting time on penis-related activities.
I bought a Mophie battery case because often times, I’m too dickstracted to notice my phone is almost dead.
disasturbate [dis-ass-ter-bate] verb
to flagellate one’s genitals with full understanding that no climax will be reached
I continued to disasturbate him, but I knew he wouldn’t be able to cum, being that cocained.
disrespect [dis-ri-spekt] verb (used with an object)
to render something or someone unreusable, due to bodily fluids, until suitable maintenance is given
Alaska saw how the trade had disrespected her sister’s new lashes, with his seed rendering them unreusable.
DPR [dee-pee-ahr] adjective (origin: Detox Icunt)
“dick probably right”—a phrase indicating that a gentlemen bystander’s penis is of a superlative measurement
Turn around slowly ’cause DPR coming your way in white soccer shorts.
dragamuffin [drag-uh-muf-in] noun
an endearing individual with no redeeming qualities visually while dressed in drag
That dragamuffin is a mess, but she always lends me bobby pins, so be nice to her.
dumpster dive [duhmp-ster dahyv] noun
the act of going down on anyone who may not be hygienically suitable for activities
Oral sex at Burning Man can sometimes be a real dumpster dive of courage.
F fish [fish] adjective
when a drag queen looks so passable and feminine that one could imagine his genitals would smell wharf-like, or similar to that of an unwashed vagina
She was so fish, but then she stumbled into a pool of unfortunate lighting and looked like she shoulda been in a Geico ad.
fondude [fahn-dood] noun
a man with a cheesy, uncut penis
Tell that go-go boy from Montreal to clean his cock, because we have a no fondude rule in America.
fucktardery [fuhk-tarrd-er-ee] noun
asinine or unbelievable behavior
A backstage dressing room is like a locker room and should be free of fucktardery.
furburgering [fuhr-ber-gher-ing] verb
to eat hairy pussy
I felt like I was furburgering in a rain forest because her coochie was so warm, wet, and dense.
G geish [geesh] noun
the state of being in drag
I need to get up in geish real fast for the show, so I’m just gonna do glasses and a lip.
giving me life [giv-ing mee lahyf] slang
a phrase indicating that one’s actions or intent will yield supreme results
Sonique was giving me life last night with that split out the round-off double back tuck a dick flippy thing she did.
gooked [gookd] verb
to get got or to pull the pag
I was expecting a suite with a water view, but the front desk bitch gooked me with this double-bed room by the elevator.
H hashtilities [hash-till-eh-teez] plural noun
Twitter fights
Hashtilities raged on for a second day as more bar queens shared their frustrations with Willam’s propensity for ginking all the bookings.
House in Virginia [haus in ver-jin-yuh] slang
“HIV” (also, Apartment in Delaware with Stairs [“AIDS”])
Bitch better use a cumbrella unless you want a House in Virginia.
husbank [huhz-bangk] noun
a man whose partner is with him because of his financial status
Bobby is folding shirts at Diesel because his husbank went broke.
I insulpliment [inn-sul-pleh-mint] noun
an insult crossed with a compliment
Example: Damn. You look so good in that photo I didn’t even recognize it was you.
intactivist [in-tak-tiv-ist] noun
an individual who is against circumcision
Rhea Litre is a vocal intactivist, mainly because she likes to do body shots out of foreskins.
K kiki [kee-kee] noun or verb (origin: Scissor
Sisters—may originate from the proclivity of many revelers to have a key [kilo] of something. Gimme a key… hence kiki.)
a gathering of two or more people while the sun is down
We were going to have a kiki at Steven’s house, but we couldn’t ignore the smell of rotting food from the broken fridge.
L L.B.H.P.H.D.W.F.N.S. slang (origin: Krystal Summers)
“long bangs, heavy powder, head down, walk fast, no spook”—detailing possible improvements one could make to better one’s chances of not being clocked
The only way anyone is ever fucking her is if she gets L.B.H.P.H.D.W.F.N.S., and even then, it’ll have to be doggy only.
M mop [mop] verb (origin: Paris Is Burning)
the action of entering a store and just looking�
� looking for whatever you wanna see… and stealing it* (In general, mopping is stealing. However it’s done, it’s stealing.)
After Carla Extravaganza had her shit mopped, the announcer said, “Will you please return her black patent-leather shoes, size 7? There is a reward. She want her pumps. She said it’s not going to work, taking her shoes. Give ’em back.”
mudhoney [mud-huh-nee] noun (synonyms: trufflebutter, Santorum, pussy pudding)
a mixture of lube, fluid, and anything else that comes out of an anus from sexual intercourse
Some say mudhoney is easily removed from sheets, but I say kill it with fire.
N nooch [nooch] noun (synonyms: dust, shade, no mind)
nothing, or the state of being ignored
Fantasia thought the crowd was gonna live for her, but they didn’t give nooch.
nurse [nurs] slang (origin: Jenna Skyy)
a declarative phrase indicating that an individual’s look is in need of improvement
Ooooh nurse! Your weave looks like a push broom undergoing chemo.
P pantysniffer [pan-tee-snif-er] noun
an individual of means who provides items and/or support (monetarily or otherwise) to entertaintresses
The pantysniffer bought Louboutins and was rewarded with watching his girl sloppily eat a dick dinner.
park and bark [pahrk en bahrk] noun
when a performer stays in the same spot onstage with little movement
The girl in the yellow gown knew she was going home because she got a letter from the hotel thanking her for her stay, so she pulled a park and bark during her lip-synch.
pimptographer [pimp-tog-ruh-fer] noun
a person who takes photographs while sexually harassing his subjects or bedding his models (e.g., Terry Richardson [alleged])
The agency sent me on a go-see and the pimptographer had an air mattress on the floor.
pocketbook [pok-it-buk] noun
what your momma will hit you with if you don’t stop that foolishness
Place the money in Detox’s pocketbook during her number, but don’t look for change.
pump [puhmp] noun
any type of injection or surgical procedure that thereby plumps the treated area
I clocked Miss Brazil’s pump at the pag but can’t tell if it’s Juvéderm or ’cone.
R RBF [ar-bee-eff] noun
“resting bitch face”
Does she have Bell’s palsy or is that just RBF?
RBV [ar-bee-vee] noun
“Red Bull and vodka”
She said she wanted a sugar-free RBV since she was eating French fries.
residont [reh-zi-dont] noun
anything left behind that turns a do into a don’t
You always think you can scrub off toothpaste and semen residue, but it’s invariably gonna show back up as a residont.
Rupaulogize [ruh-pol-uh-jahyz] verb
a phrase engineered by Willam, later appropriated by RuPaul, expressing trahnz apathy
Those who say RuPaul should Rupaulogize after charging fans at his convention for photos with him while he’s not even in drag are failing to take into account that he doesn’t give a fuck.
S saddict [sadd-ickt] noun
one who is addicted to sadness
That saddict is such a killjoy she’d take the funny out of a one-armed girl jumping rope with a hot dog. (Hi, Butterscotch!)
shafterparty [shahf-ter-pahr-tee] noun
a party that’s turned from a cordial affair into an “all adult” function
Once the last girl left and it was just the guys, the kiki turned into a shafterparty.
shablamgela [shah-blam-jeh-lah] verb
to fling oneself on the ground artfully enough that one is compared to Shangela Laquifa Wadley
The most epic shablamgeling was either Tandi Iman Dupree dropping from the ceiling or Shangela breaking her leg.
shimbarrassing [shim-behr-ah-sing] adjective
worthy of shame, experienced particularly while cross-dressing or being especially faggotty
It was so shimbarrassing when Courtney’s rat testicle popped out, but she made it work.
shipfaced [ship-fased] adjective
fucked up on a boat
The tequila, sun, and choppy water made Jiggly shipfaced.
shonda [shohn-duh] adjective
messy or unkempt, particularly a space where somebody named Shonda might live
I don’t know how she even fucks in there ’cause her room is so shonda with that litter box in the corner.
sleeptarded [sleep-tahr-did] adjective
unable to function after taking too many downers
Paul likes to take a buncha Ambien and then get sleeptarded in public.
southmouth [sowth-mowth] noun or verb
1: (noun) vagina or anus
That lady’s Lululemons are really showcasing her southmouth.
2: (verb) to pay oral attention to someone below their equator
He southmouthed me so hard, his TMJ started acting up.
snatched [snacht] adjective
secured rather tightly
Miss Thing’s ponytail was snatched back as tight as her dick in that swimsuit.
spermanent [spur-meh-nehnt] adjective
existing perpetually and involving sperm (e.g., STIs, pregnancy, stains)
If you look under his desk, you can see how spermanent behavior can ruin a nice carpet.
stenchqueen [stench-kween] noun
a stinky drag performer
That stenchqueen thinks Febreze and CVS body spray covers the fact that she ain’t never wash her drag.
T T, or tea [tee] noun
1: “truth”
She asked what the T was and I told her, “No T, no shade,” but she couldn’t handle taking T.
2: testosterone
textual [teks-choo-uhl] adjective
sexually inclined, particularly regarding text messages
A good way to find out if someone is interested is to send a semi-textual message with an LOL at the end so they can take it seriously or not.
trade [trayd] noun
an individual, usually male, outside of one’s sexual grasp who, through circumstances involving money, drugs, or services, renders copulation possible
The trade busted in my eye because he knew that I’d hafta go to the bathroom to clean myself up, and that’s when he stole my iPad.
trahnz [tranz] noun
a term that encompasses all levels of trans and gender fluidity from first-time-in-drag-at-a-ball and Buffalo Bill to a fully transitioned man or woman
That trahnz dodgeball team’s secret weapon is all the FTM players on T who are aggro as fuck.
tranboozled [tran-boo-zuhld] verb
when a person has an encounter without revealing their birth gender assignment.
I figured my trade knew I was a man but when he asked if I was on the pill, it was clear I had inadvertently tranboozled him.
transjennerous [tranz-jen-ner-us] adjective (origin: Caitlyn Jenner)
showing a readiness to share showgirl or drag items or be generous with someone who doesn’t deserve your generosity
The LGBT community was so transjennerous to Caitlyn, but then she went and told Ellen she “wasn’t so sure” about gay marriage.
trude [trood] noun
anything that is verifiable fact but also impolite
Jade was trude as fuck when she told Alyssa that back fat and halter tops are never the look.
W whorespondent [hohr-ris-pahn-dehnt] noun
an anchorperson or correspondent whose slutacious vibe renders all news they report null and strips them of credibility
That whorespondent is such a dumb whore she thinks Maria Menounos is a ship Columbus sailed on.
wreckdum sex [rek-dum sex] noun
any type of intimate relations in which an individual ruins themselves, their partner, and/or their surroundings due to hygiene or behavior
Rosa thought she stumbled
upon a crime scene when she saw the ruined bedspread and ripped out weave, but when the toothless skank came out of the bathroom, she knew it was a simple case of motel wreckdum sex.
Thanxoxo for Sucking Less!
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
My drama teacher, AMY WARMAN, for not questioning my bronzer usage or nipple rings when I turned Joseph in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat into a goddamn Pride parade.
ANTHONY TORREZ (aka Swag Coach at Large, aka DJ Pastabody, aka the Playlist Pimp), the closest thing I’ll ever have to a brother. This book couldn’t have happened without you, and you’re entitled to one (1) free copy. He would also hate me if I didn’t mention his Instagram Atorrez1. Take a letter, Maria. You’re the best. I’m the worst.
MY AUNTS: (a) AUNT TINA for coming to my First Holy Communion in spandex shorts with a ripped jean overlay and with the best frosted blond hair, and for letting my best friend and me crash in your basement; (b and c) AUNT NANCY for always letting me watch shit on TV my parents wouldn’t allow and for having dope girlfriends like Aunt DJ; (d) AUNT DONNA for being the first person to call me a faggot while fistfighting at a funeral after-party (my family is fun); and (e) AUNT MARY LOU for being classy as fuck and a role model. (I was doing this alphabetically and aunts count as a’s, but I can’t deal with this alphabet shit anymore.)
RYAN MURPHY for being the first person to take me seriously and telling me a life-changing story about a shortie robe and Bill Condon.
DESIREE WEBBER for giving me a job when I was twelve so I could make enough money to escape central Florida.
PAULA ELLER for being a great broad and early sounding board. You’re missed.
MY FAMILY: DAD for teaching me to be an asset in any situation I’m in, MOM for mouth, and SAM for teaching me how not to get caught at things. A shout-out to my Make-A-Wish sister, DANASHIYA! Hey, girl, hey.
My editor, DANA HAMILTON, for finding me, pitching me, and selling my book. You’ve showed me that I have a future as long as there’s spell-check. Thank you to Hachette for the opportunity. ALL MY PAST REPS: TODD JUSTICE, DRAGON TALENT, MARC GERALD, and MAHZAD BABAYAN.
THE LADIES OF DEEP STEALTH: ANDREA, my editrix, for being the sharpest and most tactial tool in the shed, and my right hand lady, CALPERNIA, for the graphic design.
THE GAME SHOW FAM: Logo, Viacom, and all subsidiaries in perpetuity; DAVID CHARPENTIER for the gigs; SHANNON CALLAGHAN for telling me to shut up when I -need to; CHANEL PERILLO for making me stay past episode 2; MICHELLE VISAGE; BLAKE JACOBS; SWAGA DEB; CHRIS McKIM for calling me a “cancer” and without even knowing I was born in June; JACOB ISENBERGER; PAM POST; JEN STANDER and STEVEN CORFE for going over and above the call of duty; JASON SHUMAKER; JAKE SLANE; CARLY UDSIN; that production assistant whose name I forget but who fingered me; BILLY B; CHARLES RUNNETTE; DANIEL FRANZESE and BERT V. ROYAL; JAMES LAROSA (well, your show is Viacom anyway, so, hi); and HECTOR POCASANGRE.