by Willam Belli
ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HELPED ME BE PRETTY FOR THIS BOOK: @JamestheGemini on hair provided by MyWigsAndWeaves.com, BobbiePinz.com, and WigsByVanity.com; Sharon at Dr. Berkley’s; Deann at Dr. Rosenblatt’s; Nikita, my Pilates guru; Michael at Physical Therapy Care in Inglewood; Marco Marco and Chris Psaila; Scott Barnes and Frank Galasso; The Lady Hyde, aka Dallas Coulter; Delta Work; Ashton Michael; Richard Simmons; Johnny Wujek; Danny Dax; Lipstick Nick; Sean Harris; B. Calla; Pinky’s Nails; @Tres_She; @Jeffyeffingt; @Dickallday; @Omgharleymadden; @Danielxmiller; and my girlfriend Amy.
CHRIS D’ARENZIO and KRISTIN HANGGI for helping me discover me through ’80s rock and hairography.
ROBIN ROEMER for making me look like a pro. DAVID PHELPS, DEVINOGRAPHY, SHAUN VADELLA, PAUL BOULON, SHARLENE DURFEY, MAGNUS HASTINGS, and DUSTI CUNNINGHAM for additional photography. GINA GARAN and JACKIE CARLSON for giving me my writer’s retreat.
The people who taught me how to party at Tony ’n’ Tina’s Wedding before I got shitcanned: JOSH LAMON, DAWNE-MARRIE, LISA, ANNA, LAURA, RALPH, CAPRICE, AUNT GINNY, STEVE CARR, and ART.
ANTHONY LOPEZ, MOMMA, MADISON, ALEXIS ARQUETTE, MISS ALANNA, TRANZK, and all the CLUB MAKEUP kids.
DAVID and NEIL for letting my shartistry into your world and being all around awesome people.
DAVID KLASFELD and my OCC family: NICKY, JACK, THE HERRERA’S, BANJ, NATASHA, NICHOLE, JANUARY, and COURTNEY.
The specialest thank you to MATHU ANDERSEN for letting the world know it’s OK to judge a book by its cover—especially the back one. You make the world a more beautiful place and inspire me daily.
NICOLE SARKIOGLU—OMG I wrote a book and you’re in it! Hi!
BBB. Good game :)
RUPAUL. I owe you a lot for giving me my biggest break and changing my life.
(I’m gonna write the rest normally since I don’t think this’ll exactly make his book list.)
I can’t thank him enough. Literally—I cannot thank him at all actually. The last time I saw him, I waved and yelled “hey Champ” from 10 feet away and he looked right through me and rode off on his bike. Family’s don’t always get along but I’m a Ru girl, goddammit, and that’s because Ru saw something in me and put my picture on that wall for season 4. First, too, from what casting said.
Ru has inspired me to be me from as far back as sixth grade. In his first book, he wrote about an incident at the MTV VMAs when he famously stood up for himself against Milton Berle’s bullshit. He spoke up and was vilified for it. I’ve tried my best to follow in his footsteps and to not let people walk all over me. Hell, I try to make sure no one gets unfairly treated, and that has made ru-lations strained. My favorite quote is “Evil prevails when good men do nothing.” Anyone who saw my meaty tuck in the Marco Marco show in 2016 knows I have balls and I’m not afraid to put my money where my mouth is (especially if there’s money near balls). Anyway, the point is, I had one shining North Star growing up, and that was Ru. All a kid needs is one example. Who knows what would’ve happened had I not shoplifted RuPaul’s cassette in 1993? Ru was that hooker next to the Yellow Brick Road who demonstrated that It Gets Better is a LIE and I was gonna have to work my ass off. When I finally did make it to OZ, I was even more thankful for her but knew that I’d rather go back out on my own to a world with less smoke and mirrors. Gratitude should never be conditional though. It’s like Dorothy smackin the shit outta Glinda for bamboozling her. It’s about the journey. Do you guys get what I’m saying? If not, it’s cool ’cause the book’s almost over anyway. But yea. I hope, much like a Ru-know-who did for me, that I can bestow my messiest blessings on you and help everything to suck less.
Photo by Mathu Andersen
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Willam’s cross-dress-for-success formula has made him relevant enough that he gets to write this bio in third person like an asshole. He graduated at the top of his class at sixteen after completing high school in three years. It remains one of the few things he’s ever topped other than the Billboard Comedy Album chart with his number-one album Shartistry in Motion. Being the only contestant disqualified from RuPaul’s Drag Race didn’t stop him from becoming a model, actress, mattress, MTV host, and American Apparel ad girl, despite wearing as little clothing as possible and not being an actual girl. Internationally, he’s followed in the steps of many iconic women by starring in the Cannes Film Festival’s Golden Lion–winning Magnum campaign, overcoming both lactose intolerance and the fact that he’s (again) not a girl. Cyberbullying and parody songs have garnered his YouTube channel more than 100 million views, and performances in more than 30 countries have found him evading arrest in Dubai on moral crimes and accidentally drug-muling in Singapore. Willam realizes that if hell exists, he will probably end up there, but hopefully his slacktivist work with various LA charities will offset his karmic offenses and he’ll get a cute table with bottle service. If this book was printed on recycled paper, please know that Willam did not authorize it. For booking info, have your dad call his dad or go to WillamBelli.com. If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and dial 911.
Learn more at:
WillamBelli.com
Twitter: @Willam
Facebook.com/willam
Instagram: @willam
YouTube.com/noextrai
If you see a boldface term, you can find its definition in the Dragtionary in the back (here).
* If we’re out and about and you see me, don’t yell “I like your wig.” “Wig” is such a clinical word, like “homosexual” or “discharge.” You can say “Now, that is a nice hat, sirma’am.” Or mention how nice my unit is looking despite the club’s bad ventilation and humidity. Never touch a drag queen above her chin unless invited. Just a fist bump away. Don’t put your arm around her shoulders too much either, because that makes her wig wanna run away from her forehead. Kinda yanks a bitch back along with hair to which the wig is pinned.
* Disclaimer: If you are an underage virgin, please skip this part (or go read it in your yard). If you are an eighteen or older virgin, please let any one of your four cats sit on this book.
* And I’ve actually eaten out two different women. It’s kind of a course requirement to pass health class in high school, and alcohol was involved. Tried two in one night, and the next morning I woke up and felt like someone had poured beer on my face and let it dry. One of those girls is now dead, but I’m pretty sure it had nothing to do with my performance. (Hi, Meghan, but really not ’cause you’re dead.)
* If you wanna get into a club underage, go for it, but don’t expect me to help or sneak you in, thus risking my employment. Get an ID or fuck a security guy. (Hey, Big John.) I also won’t stand outside on the lookout for you to walk you in. Try a Craigslist ad, like “Hey. I’m underage and really, really wanna party. I’m not gonna steal your mail and don’t give a fuck about your social security number. I just wanna see bands I like and buy beer. Don’t tag me or tell my mom. I’ll give you $250.” It’ll get flagged, so remember to post it a few times a day in sections that people who need money will frequent (e.g., Rooms Shared, Missed Connections, For Sale). I have a lot of kids trying to meet me at my gigs, where they can’t get into the party, and it can be very hit or miss. Beforehand, it’s all right, but sometimes these teens wait until the end, and that’s just no spot for a kid. I don’t need them peeking around the alley, seeing me smoking in the fire exit or looking for a lost earring in the backseat of a car with a new friend.
* For example, walk up to the cash register with the item right under your phone, juggle a few things—another shopping bag, your wallet (have your card out already). If they catch you with the item in your hand, it’s easy to play like your hands were just full and you made a mistake… when in fact you’re a motherfuckin’ stunt queen. If you’re too afraid to do that, just shove it into your jail purse. Mall security can’t legally make you get naked. (Note, we do not endorse getting caught committing criminal activities.)
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Copyright
The techniques and methods contained in this book are the result of the author’s experience in working with certain materials. Care should be taken to use the proper materials and tools as advised by the author. It is difficult to insure that all the information given is entirely accurate and the possibility of error can never be entirely eliminated. This book and the material contained herein have not been examined for safety engineering, consumer and workplace safety, or similar laws or regulations. The publisher will assume no liability for any injury or damage to persons or property that may result from the use or application of any of the contents of this book.
Copyright © 2016 by Willam Belli
Cover design by Brian Lemus
Cover photo by Mathu Andersen
Cover copyright © 2016 by Hachette Book Group, Inc.
Hachette Book Group supports the right to free expression and the value of copyright. The purpose of copyright is to encourage writers and artists to produce the creative works that enrich our culture.
The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book without permission is a theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like permission to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), please contact [email protected]. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.
Grand Central Publishing
Hachette Book Group
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First ebook edition: October 2016
Grand Central Publishing is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc. The Grand Central Publishing name and logo is a trademark of Hachette Book Group, Inc.
The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher.
Print book interior design by Timothy Shaner, NightandDayDesign.biz.
ISBN 978-1-4555-6621-1
E3-20160916-JV-PC
Table of Contents
Title Page
Dedication
Foreword by Neil Patrick Harris
Introduction
1. How to Suck Less at MAKEUP
2. How to Suck Less at BEING A HAIRLESS CREATURE OF GOD
3. How to Suck Less at COVERING SKIN PROBLEMS
4. How to Suck Less at ZITS
5. How to Suck Less at LEAVING THE HOUSE
6. How to Suck Less at TATTOOS
7. How to Suck Less at PIERCINGS
8. How to Suck Less at HAIR
9. How to Suck Less at SHOES
10. How to Suck Less at LOOKING RIGHT
11. How to Suck Less at GETTING FAMOUS/INFAMOUS
12. How to Suck Less around FAMOUS PEOPLE
13. How to Suck Less at TALKING TO TRAHNZ (Twenty Dumb Drag Questions)
14. How to Suck Less at STYLE
15. How to Suck Less at HAVING A GREAT BODY
16. How to Suck Less at GYM GEAR
17. How to Suck Less at FOOD
18. How to Suck Less at MEAL PLANS
19. How to Suck Less at HAVING THE MUNCHIES
20. How to Suck Less at SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS
21. How to Suck Less at TRUST
22. How to Suck Less at BREAKUPS
23. How to Suck Less at DIGITAL DATING
24. How to Suck Less at REBOUNDING
25. How to Suck Less at WHORAL SEX
26. How to Suck Less at ANAL
27. How to Suck Less at COMING OUT
28. How to Suck Less at HAVING A NICE HOME
29. How to Suck Less at ROOMMATES
30. How to Suck Less at THROWING PARTIES
31. How to Suck Less at CONTROLLED SUBSTANCES
32. How to Suck Less at ENTERTAINTING
33. How to Suck Less at YOUR CAREER
34. How to Suck Less at SOCIAL MEDIA
35. How to Suck Less at INSULTING SOMEONE EFFECTIVELY
36. How to Suck Less at REVENGE
37. How to Suck Less at NOT LETTING PEOPLE KNOW YOU’RE DUMB
Dragtionary
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Newsletters
Copyright