A DOCTOR'S VOW

by Christine Rimmer

  "You're gonna come in for a few minutes, aren't you? You always come in and say hi to Griff and Lizzy."

  Ronni parked the car and they went into the main house together. She met another of Lisbeth's Barbie dolls and played a few minutes of Yoshi's Island on Griffs Nintendo 64. It was business as usual with Lily, a polite hello and a frosty smile. The house smelled enticingly of meat loaf, but Lily did not invite her to stay.

  The next morning, first thing, Ronni took the pregnancy test.

  It was positive, exactly what she'd expected.

  Still, as she stared at the twin red lines in the viewing holes, she felt as if someone had kicked her forcefully in the solar plexus.

  A baby.

  She was going to have a baby.

  She and Ryan were going to have a baby.

  She moved through the morning by rote, thinking about things she'd never really thought of in terms of herself before—how she'd like a cup of coffee, but caffeine wasn't good for the baby. How she'd need to stock up on neonatal vitamins, take better care of herself, start eating more nutritious meals…

  "There will be options," Kelly had said—Kelly, who would now be her obstetrician as well as her gynecologist.

  But to Ronni, the choice was already made. She was thirty-two years old and reasonably well-established in her career. It wouldn't be easy, but she could juggle things around enough to handle having a baby.

  She could handle it, and she would handle it.

  And anyway, she wouldn't be doing it alone.

  Ryan would help.

  Ryan…

  She would have to tell him, lay a whole new burden on him.

  Her mind turned away from the idea, immediately began handing her excuses to put off saying anything to him.

  After all, it was so very early. For heaven's sake, she was only—she counted backward—seventeen days pregnant. She had time to deal with this herself for a while. To … become accustomed to the idea that she was going to be a mother.

  Yes, eventually, Ryan would start to wonder if there had been any repercussions from that one doozy of a mistake they'd made. He'd ask her about it. But that wouldn't be for a while yet. Probably a week or two at least.

  She didn't have to be in any great rush, she must remember that. For a week or two, anyway, her secret could remain hers alone.

  The phone rang at eleven-thirty. "Ready?" It was Ryan.

  They'd agreed she'd come to the main house and they'd all drive to Pizza Pete's from there.

  "I'll be right over." She tried to sound happy and normal—and she thought she succeeded pretty well. Which thoroughly surprised her. She didn't feel happy and normal. She felt bewildered, dazed, thoroughly confused…

  She put on her trench coat, grabbed her purse and went out across the lawn to the other house. Ryan let her in—or rather, pulled her in.

  He reached out, took her hand and hauled her over the threshold right into his arms. Once he had her there, he pushed the door shut behind her with a quick shove of his fist.

  "I missed you."

  "Since last night?" Oh, he felt good. Her breasts, which ached a little all the time now, felt eased somehow, the ache soothed by the pressure of being held against his chest. Really, now she thought about it, the pregnancy-induced sensitivity wasn't all that unpleasant, anyway.

  "Yes," he said. "I missed you since last night."

  She tried to see beyond his shoulder, to look for the others. But it wasn't easy, since he was so much taller than she.

  He teased, "Don't go looking for anyone else. We're alone. They're all upstairs, putting on their coats. Kiss me."

  "Oh, Ryan…"

  "Don't start that. Just kiss me."

  So she lifted her mouth and he bent down enough to cover it with his. He tasted of coffee and his body felt so hard and good through all the layers of their clothing. She closed her eyes. Sighing in delight, she sparred with his tongue as it slipped beyond her parted lips.

  "Umm…" he said, as if the kiss were an edible thing, a tasty morsel they were sharing.

  Deftly, without breaking the kiss, he turned her a little. Then he eased his left hand between the wrapped sides of her coat. He cupped her breast, massaged it. It felt good, the soothing of a pleasant ache. Good. And arousing. Heat pooled in the center of her and radiated out in a long, delightful shiver of pleasure.

  She stood on tiptoe, pressing herself closer into him, reveling in the sweet, lustful intimacy of the moment, lovely, naughty images playing through her mind: if he pulled her coat open. And pushed her up against the door. And lifted her. If she boldly wrapped her legs around him… "Well. Excuse me."

  It was Lily. Her voice had come from behind Ryan—in the doorway to the kitchen.

  Ronni froze. She opened her eyes. Ryan pulled away. Slowly. He didn't hurry, didn't seem the least embarrassed. He slid his hand out of her trench coat and gently ran his palm over the wide collar, a caress that reassured, as it staked its claim.

  Ronni thought, Oh, yes. If I had to go and get myself accidentally pregnant, I am so glad it was with this man.

  He turned, reaching for Ronni as he did, pulling her firmly into the shelter of his arm. "Something we can do for you, Lily?"

  Lily blinked. Her mouth worked for a minute, then she announced tightly, "The children are coming."

  Ryan shrugged. "Great. It's time to go."

  "I … this is totally unacceptable…"

  Ryan frowned. "What are you talking about?"

  "You know what I'm talking about." Lily spoke in a charged whisper. "The two of you carrying on like this. It's … not good for the children."

  "Oh, come on. We thought we were alone."

  "That doesn't matter. You shouldn't be behaving this way when they might see."

  "Lily." Ryan spoke more softly. "It was only a kiss."

  Lily put her hand against her throat. "Well, I just … I think you should keep such displays to yourselves. And I … I really think it's about time you two decided if you plan to marry or not. If you do, I'll be leaving, of course. It's only fair that you let me know, so that I can make arrangements to go elsewhere."

  Before Ryan could respond to that bombshell, they heard the pounding of small feet on the stairs.

  "We'll talk about this later," Ryan said.

  Lily nodded, a tight little jerk of her head.

  Ten seconds later, the three children spilled into the kitchen, each bundled up in a nice, warm jacket. Lily kissed them goodbye and warned them to behave. They promised they would.

  "Let's get a move on," Ryan said.

  Lily stood at the door, waving goodbye as they left. Ronni glanced back at her, wanting to be angry with her—and then only thinking how lonely she looked.

  Halfway to Pizza Pete's, Ronni's beeper went off. She took out her cell phone, called the exchange and got the number of a frantic mother whose little girl had just fallen down a flight of stairs.

  "Dr. Ronni, I called 911. The paramedics will be here any minute. She's unconscious. I'm so scared…"

  "Is she breathing normally?"

  "Yes. I think so … yes."

  "Don't leave her. Watch her closely." Quickly, she told the mother what to do should the child's breathing become labored or if she made gurgling sounds.

  The mother said, "Yes. All right. I will. Yes."

  "And stay calm. That's very important. You're doing everything you can do, and help is on the way."

  "All right. Yes. I know. I'm calm."

  Ronni said, "I'll meet you at Children's Hospital." She disconnected the call. Ryan glanced across the console at her. "Sorry."

  "Part of the job, right?"

  "'Fraid so."

  "Why don't you drop us off and take the car? If you can't get back before we leave the restaurant, I'll get Tanner to give us a ride home."

  "Okay."

  He reached over, snared her hand and gave it a squeeze. She tried not to think of Lily or the baby, not to dwell on how she, Ronni, was managing to m
ake Ryan's already-difficult life more complicated still. They couldn't even enjoy a family outing without her beeper going off.

  But no. She shouldn't think that way, and she knew it. They would work through it. They would. They just had to take things one step at a time.

  * * *

  Chapter Thirteen

  « ^ »

  At Children's Hospital, Ronni learned that her patient had regained consciousness during the ambulance ride to the hospital.

  Ronni performed a thorough exam. She was always very wary when it came to injuries and sudden falls. She'd seen more than one case where a "bad fall" had actually been something much more sinister.

  But Ronni saw no indications of child abuse this time. The girl's bumps and bruises were consistent with a fall down a flight of stairs. And she had no prior history of mysterious injuries.

  Ronni ordered a CAT scan, then arranged to have the patient admitted overnight, mostly for purposes of observation.

  "It's all my fault," the mother kept insisting. "Oh, I hate those stairs. And I should have been paying better attention. I ran down to check on my chocolate chip cookies. And she must have tried to follow me…"

  Ronni said the things she always said in such situations. "These things happen. And it really does look like she's going to be fine."

  "When can she come home?"

  "If there are no complications—and I really don't believe there will be—she'll be going home tomorrow."

  "Oh, Doctor. Thank you. Thank you so much…"

  Ronni got back to Pizza Pete's at a little after one. Inside, as Ryan had promised, computer games zinged and whizzed, classic rock music played good and loud, and children roamed freely from one entertainment to the next.

  She saw Ryan and his brother, sitting alone at one of the redwood picnic tables near a corner of the room, the remains of a huge pizza and several half-finished sodas nearby. Their dark heads were close together. Whatever they were talking about, it looked serious. Ryan's back was to her, but judging by Tanner's intense and unhappy expression, Ronni didn't think they'd appreciate being interrupted right then.

  So she hesitated, still standing by the door, not wanting to break in on them, remembering something she hadn't thought of in years: a certain conversation between her Uncle Stan and her Aunt Mildred. Ronni had lived with them for several months, after her mother died. She'd tried to be good, to be everything they wanted her to be.

  But then, one morning, she'd come downstairs early and Uncle Stan and Aunt Mildred were talking softly at the kitchen table. Ronni had huddled close to the wall, listening, though she knew that she shouldn't.

  "You'll just have to tell him," Mildred was saying. "We've kept her for six months. It's long enough. He'll have to take her himself, or find somewhere else to put her."

  "Mildred, come on. You know how he is. Always with the big schemes that never pan out. He can hardly take care of himself. He's never going to settle down and be a decent father to the poor kid."

  "Well, I can't help it. It's just not fair to Laurie." Laurie was Ronni's cousin, their daughter. Laurie was older, almost twelve, and didn't like having a little kid in her room. "You're going to have to talk to him, Stan. He hasn't sent any money in three months. And we have our own children to take care of…"

  "But—"

  "Don't give me any 'buts,' Stan. It's enough. You call him and talk to him."

  Ronni had turned then and crept back up the stairs. A few days later, her father had come to get her. He'd driven her straight to her Aunt Ida's in Salt Lake City. She'd stayed there for almost a year.

  Tanner looked up. He spotted Ronni and smiled, his brooding look fading as if it had never been.

  Still half in thrall to the sad, old memory, Ronni pasted on a smile of her own and found herself thinking of what Kelly had said about Tanner the night of the Heart Ball: My guess is he's just highly skilled at hiding whatever's going on inside.

  Ryan turned, saw her, waved her over. Still wearing her resolute smile, she moved toward the two men.

  They stayed for another hour. Ronni drank a Sprite and decided against trying the cold pizza. She watched Drew beat a very complex-looking video game and stood by admiringly as Griffin rode a bucking mechanical horse. And she tried not to wonder what Ryan and his brother had been talking about when she got there—tried not to let herself think it might have been something concerning Lily, or how difficult Ronni was making things by being in Ryan's life.

  "Stay for dinner," Ryan said, when they got back to his house. And she thought of Drew, yesterday, his blue eyes shining as he declared that they were having meat loaf and he could get his grandmother to invite her.

  She didn't really feel up to it. She'd had enough of Lily's barely masked hostility for one day. She wanted to go back to the guest house, to be alone for a while. To take a little break from feeling like an intruder, which had pretty much been her mental state since she'd walked into Pizza Pete's and seen Ryan and his brother talking so seriously about something they'd immediately stopped talking about as soon as they caught sight of her.

  After all, she'd hardly had any opportunity to get her bearings after what she'd learned from the pregnancy test that morning. She needed time to herself.

  Still, it didn't seem right to beg off. The whole point was for her and Ryan to be with the children whenever they could, wasn't it?

  So she said yes. And tried to keep her attitude positive through the meal.

  She finally managed to escape at around eight-thirty. Ryan whispered, "I'll be over in a little while" as she went out the back door.

  For the first time, she actually wished he wouldn't.

  Ryan must have sensed that. His dark brows drew together. "It's Lily, isn't it?"

  It was. And it wasn't…

  How could she explain? It all seemed so … totally overwhelming right then.

  She said, "We'll talk, all right? Later."

  "Give me an hour."

  She went back to the guest house and threw up. Then, once her poor stomach was finished rebelling, she brushed her teeth and splashed water on her face.

  After that, she paced the floor of the bedroom, lecturing herself.

  She just had to tell him. That was all there was to it. She had to tell him she was pregnant, toss another major burden on his broad shoulders—and get the truth out there, where they could deal with it.

  He came just when he'd said he would. He shut the door, drew the curtains and turned to her. He looked so … troubled.

  The distance between them, not more than ten feet, seemed enormous. She couldn't stand it. She ran to him. He wrapped his arms around her, held her so close.

  And he said it. "I love you, Ronni."

  And she said, "I love you, too."

  "I wanted it to be … better than this."

  "I know."

  "There's so much we have to talk about."

  "I know. Oh, I know."

  "I keep thinking things will … settle down, that we'll have some time. But it never seems to happen."

  "No, it never does."

  "I want us to … get married."

  Joy, silvery and light, shimmered through her. "Me, too…"

  "But after today, I don't think there's any way Lily's going to accept it. We're going to lose her."

  The shimmery feeling faded a little. Ronni broke the embrace, sliding her hand down to clasp his. "Come on."

  She led him to the kitchen, pulled out a chair for him. He dropped into it. She sat down opposite him, leaned forward, held out her hand. He took it, turning it over, brushing her fingers open, caressing her palm.

  "I tried to talk to her," he said. "After we got the kids to bed, before I came over here."

  "And?"

  "She said what she said this morning. If I marry you, she's leaving."

  Ronni said aloud what she knew he must be thinking, too. "It's going to be hard … on the kids. Lily is the one really stable element in their lives."

  He ma
de a low noise of agreement in his throat and muttered, "She's been a rock, since Patricia died."

  "Ryan, I really hate the idea of just … kicking her out. Or having her walk out."

  "So do I." He let go of her hand. "But what the hell else can we do?"

  Ronni's stomach chose that moment to start acting up again. She took a slow breath, let it out carefully. The nausea receded a little. She pulled her hand back to her side of the table. "I wish I knew."

  He shifted in his chair, speared his fingers through his hair. "We'll just have to find good day care. It's not impossible. People do it all the time. And at least I can afford to pay for the best."

  "You know what our schedules are. It just doesn't seem fair to the children."

  "We can't help that."

  She put her hands in her lap, clasped them tightly together. "Maybe if we … gave it some time."

  He looked at her across the table, his expression harder than before. "Damn it, Ronni. I want to marry you. You just said you wanted to marry me."

  "I know. And I do, but…"

  He waited for her to finish. When she didn't, he demanded impatiently, "But what?"

  "But it's … not right."

  "What the hell are you getting at?"

  "I just … it's not right. People like us, who have to have everything. Demanding careers. And children. And … each other, too. I'm just saying that maybe we have to slow down a little here. Maybe we have to give some credit to a very important element in this equation. And that element is Lily."

  He echoed her words. "Slow down." His voice had turned cold. "You want us to … slow down?"

  She couldn't answer right then. She was too busy sucking in another long breath, ordering her stomach to relax.

  He said carefully, "What, exactly, does that mean?"

  "Oh, Ryan…"

  He put up a hand. "Don't."

  "What?"

  "Don't start waffling on me. I can't take that right now."

  "I'm not waffling."

  "The hell you're not."

  "There's more than just you and me in this." So much more. More than you know, more than I seem to be able to tell you right now… "I'm just trying to be fair."