Turning Thirty-Twelve

by James, Sandy

  We ate and chatted and laughed. Things finally seemed to be going well, and my heart was full of happiness.

  Mark hit his glass with his spoon.

  Five pairs of curious eyes turned his direction.

  “Now that we’re all finished making absolute pigs of ourselves, I’ve got an announcement.”

  “You’re moving to Alaska,” Pat said under his breath. “Have a safe trip.”

  Mark chuckled. “Sorry to disappoint you, Son. Actually—” he reached over to take my hand and cradle it in his, “—I’ve made a really big decision, and I wanted to share it with all of you.”

  I arched an eyebrow at him because he sure hadn’t mentioned anything about really big decisions to me.

  Mark released my hand, shifted to reach into his pocket, and pulled out a small, black velvet box. My heart stopped beating and my mouth felt like it was suddenly stuffed with cotton balls. He set the box gently in front of me, slid out of his chair, and got down on one knee.

  I choked back a sob. This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be happening. Not so quickly. A dream. This was just a dream. I stared at the little box and put my shaking free hand to my lips to try to stop any pitiable sound from escaping.

  I had always fantasized about being proposed to in some romantic way. David asked me to marry him sitting in his car in the middle of the obstetrician’s parking lot. Of course, my pregnancy had forced his hand, but it hadn’t been a proposal as much as an accepted circumstance beyond our control. My engagement ring had cost less than a hundred bucks, and he’d always made me think I was damn lucky to even get one.

  “Jackie,” Mark said, staring up into my eyes. “I love you. I’ll always love you. I’m asking you to marry me. Here, in front of the people we love most in the world, I’m asking you to be my wife.”

  Patrick shoved his chair back and hopped to his feet. “You’ve gotta be kidding me. Mom, it’s too soon. You haven’t even known him that long.”

  Carly jumped up and began to wag her index finger at Patrick. “You need to leave them alone and let her make up her own mind. They love each other.”

  I glanced over at Nate and Kathy, who both looked entirely too shocked to say anything, exchanging a nervous stare only they understood.

  And me?

  I was a catatonic mess, sitting there like an enormous statue, having no will to move. I couldn’t even squeak out a word. Not a single word.

  Mark was smart, though. He was obviously learning how to handle me when I became a basket case. Probably because I was giving him plenty of practice. Pulling my hand to his lips, he kissed the back of it.

  “I know it’s a big step,” he said.

  I let out a nervous laugh.

  “And I know marriage hasn’t always been good to you. But I’m not David. I’m sturdy. I’m faithful. I don’t make promises I can’t keep. I love you, Jackie.”

  “I–I know. But...” I glanced up at our four kids.

  It wasn’t just my life or Mark’s that would be changing. There were drastic implications for every person sitting at that table.

  Mark’s dark eyes grew a little stormy, and I could see he was afraid—afraid I might say, “No.”

  He was serious. The man really wanted to marry me.

  I couldn’t leave him dangling there without any reassurance that I loved him in return. I reached out and cupped his face in my hands. “I love you too, Mark. I just... What about our kids?”

  “What about them?” he asked with a shrug. “We have our own lives, Jackie. I know this would be a change, a big change for everyone. But we’ll make it work. I promise. We’ll make it work.” He pulled one of my hands away from his face and kissed my palm. “Will you marry me?”

  Patrick’s hands were tight fists. “Mom, you can’t—”

  I shot him a stern glare.

  “Fine. It’s your life.”

  “Yes. Yes, it is.” But I still couldn’t accept Mark’s proposal.

  What in the hell was wrong with me? I loved this man more than I thought possible, more than I ever loved David, more than I’d ever loved another human being. Why couldn’t I shake the insecurity, the fear that he’d leave me someday for someone younger, or prettier, or—

  “You’re thinking too hard, babe.”

  I laughed at that, although it was a nervous chuckle that probably sounded more like a whimper. “Mark, I just... I don’t...” I started to cry again, feeling like I’d spontaneously developed a severe case of bi-polar disorder.

  Mark got to his feet, grabbed the black box, and shoved it in his pocket. He tugged me to stand, bent down, and in one swift move had me thrown over his shoulder like a sack of grain before marching down the hallway.

  “We need a few minutes alone,” he growled as he carried me toward my bedroom.

  The kids just gawked at us as we retreated.

  I wasn’t sure whether to be thrilled or insulted at being hauled away. He didn’t put me down until he was in my room. He kicked the door shut behind us.

  “All right. We’re alone now. You can talk freely. No more audience.”

  “Gee, thanks.” I had to swallow the stupid, self-defensive sarcasm that was fighting to fall from my lips.

  He sat on the bed and patted the space next to him.

  I sighed and went to sit at his side, fervently hoping he wouldn’t touch me. I couldn’t think straight when he touched me.

  “Tell me what’s bothering you.”

  “It’s such a big step,” I mumbled, realizing how ridiculous I sounded stating the obvious.

  “Yes, it is.” Mark sat there for a second, lost in contemplation. “But if I’ve learned anything from what happened to Elaine, it’s to grab for what you want—not to wait for later to try and find happiness. Because there’s not always a later to look forward to.”

  I nodded, feeling a lump forming in my throat. “But it’s so–so...quick.”

  “I could get shot tomorrow.”

  I put my trembling fingers to his lips. “Don’t say that. Don’t even think it.”

  He kissed my fingertips before I dropped my hand back to my lap.

  “Don’t you love me?” he asked, searching my eyes for an answer.

  “Of course, I love you. I do.”

  “And I love you. We’re great together. You make me laugh when I thought I’d forgotten how. You make me mad. You make me insane. And you make me want to tear your clothes off and make love to you every minute I’m with you.”

  I was blushing at his words, but they were sure nice to hear. “Ditto. Straight down the line. Ditto.”

  He leaned in and kissed my lips, sweetly and gently with no demand. “I want to marry you. I want us to make that crazy group of kids sitting out there waiting for us a family. A real family.”

  “A family. Do you really think we can? After all the rotten things that have happened to all of us, do you really think we can?” I asked, hardly believing any of this was happening.

  “I’m sure as hell willing to try.”

  “Show me.”

  He gave me a deep, stirring kiss. As he eased away, he asked, “Does that show you?”

  I giggled like some silly teenager and figured that’s what happened when you’ve spent too much time in their company. “I meant the ring. Show me the ring.”

  Mark fished in his pocket to pull out the black velvet box. Popping it open, he set it on his palm.

  The ring was exquisite. A simple band of gold with small diamonds surrounding one, very large teardrop stone. I reached for it with trembling fingers.

  “Carly helped me pick it out.”

  No wonder she’d been giving so many funny smiles all week. Every time she’d come into class or caught my eye in the hall, she’d grinned until those braces winked in the fluorescent lights. I just chalked her strange reactions up to being a typical goofy teenager. Now, I realized she’d known all along that her father was going to propose. “You did good. She did good.”

  He plucked the rin
g from the box and reached for my left hand. “Jackie, will you marry me?”

  “Yes.” I nodded like a bobblehead someone had just jostled. “Oh, yes. I’ll marry you.”

  An enormous grin lit his face, and he slid the cool metal over my ring finger. It was a perfect fit—just like Mark and me.

  I pulled him into a passionate kiss. All I really wanted in the world at that moment was to strip him and hop all over him like some lust-crazed wanton. His response to our kiss told me he felt the same way.

  For the first time, he pulled away before I did. “God, babe, I want you, but...”

  I nodded my understanding, but I had to acknowledge how disappointed I was. “I know, I know. But, damn it, I want you now.” I sighed. “The kids are right down the hall.”

  “Hell, their ears are probably pressed to the door,” Mark added. He kissed me again, quickly, but sweetly. “Tonight. We’ll have tonight.”

  “Tonight,” I repeated a bit breathlessly. I held up my left hand and admired my new engagement ring. “It’s beautiful, Mark.”

  “Just like the woman wearing it.” He stood up and pulled me to my feet. “Let’s go tell the kids.”

  We walked back into the dining room hand in hand.

  Carly was the first to react, letting out an excited squeal. “She’s wearing the ring! She’s going to marry him! Sweet!”

  Patrick folded his arms over his chest and leaned his chair back on two legs, but he kept his thoughts to himself.

  Nate gave me a beaming smile and then looked over at Mark. “Congratulations.”

  Mark nodded. “Thank you.”

  Kathy sat there stoically for a moment. Those dark eyes of hers were locked on me, probing, looking for something she needed to see that I wished I could show her. She finally heaved a sigh that I tried not to take as disappointment on her part. “When?”

  “When?” I repeated, a little confused at the question. “Oh, when will we get married? I don’t know.”

  I hadn’t even thought about it—hadn’t dared to speculate. While I’d always hoped and prayed that Mark and I would be together, I’d never let my fragile ego do anything as daring as anticipating that he would propose or that we would ever marry. Plus, I was still a little gun-shy on the whole idea of “happily ever after,” even if it was with Mr. Yummy.

  “Soon,” Mark said with a strong, clear voice that warmed my heart. “Real soon. Christmas break?” He arched an eyebrow.

  “Christmas break?” I asked. Things were happening too quickly.

  My mother’s old sermon of “marry in haste, repent in leisure” was nagging my brain. Sometimes I wished the damned thing had an “off” switch. Why couldn’t I just be happy? Why did I always have to think something bad was going to happen if I was happy?

  “Oh, Mark... I can’t possibly get things together that fast.”

  “Sure we can. Hang on.” Carly popped to her feet and hurried out the door to the garage. She came back a few minutes later, humming to herself and holding a thick notebook. “I’ve been doing some research.”

  Mark laughed and clapped me on the shoulder. “She decided she wants to be a wedding coordinator when she grows up. You ought to see all the books and magazines she has in that basement room of hers.”

  “Quit teasing,” Carly scolded. “This is fun, and I’m getting good at it.”

  Laying the book on the table, she flipped through pages of magazine cutouts and pages printed from websites. I wondered just how long she had been working on this important little project. How long had Mark been planning to propose?

  “Here or in Vegas?” she asked.

  “Here,” I replied. “Vegas weddings always seem so...cheap. I don’t want Elvis to marry us.”

  Mark laughed and nodded.

  “Fine.” Carly turned to another page in her notebook. “Here. Do you want a church or the courthouse? You know, we could even go to the cabin in Michigan. That would be pretty.” She put a finger to her cheek and then she shook her head. “Nah. Too much snow.”

  I put an arm around her shoulder and looked at her collection. She was an industrious young lady, and I marveled at the time and effort her work must have taken. I loved her wholehearted acceptance. “This is wonderful.”

  “See, Daddy? I told you she’d want my help.”

  Mark ruffled her dark hair.

  She shot him an annoyed glare and smoothed her bangs back in place.

  Patrick dropped his chair back on all four legs and stood up. He grabbed a couple of dirty bowls from the table and hauled them to the kitchen. Nate and Kathy started to help in the clean up. Not a one of them said a word.

  There was still plenty of trouble in paradise.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Abby hadn’t stopped clapping since I told my friends the news at lunch the following Monday.

  “How are you going to pull all that together in three weeks?” Julie asked.

  I knew her well enough to read the nuisances of her expression. She didn’t think this was a good idea at all.

  “Carly is helping. You’d be amazed how well she’s got this all planned out,” I replied. “We’re having a really small ceremony at my house, in the family room.”

  “Your house,” Julie said with a rueful chuckle. “Geesh. Have you even thought about what you’ll do after the wedding? Who’ll be moving in with whom? Who’s going to have to sell? Who pays the health insurance?”

  I stopped my forkful of lettuce mid-air. No, I hadn’t thought about any of that. I’d been so busy thinking about dresses and flowers and licenses that I realized Mark and I still had an awful lot of planning to do. I dropped the fork back onto the plate, having suddenly lost my appetite.

  I tried to cover my apprehension with a lame joke. “Oops. I guess I’ve got some more stuff to let Carly deal with.”

  Julie was angry, and for some reason that hurt. Didn’t she want me to be happy?

  “Don’t ‘oops’ me, Jackie.” I heard her breathe an annoyed sigh like she always did right before I got a lengthy lecture. “You’re rushing into this awfully fast. I know you think you love the guy, but—”

  I waved my hand to stop her, trying not to sound as annoyed as I was rapidly becoming. “I don’t think I love Mark. I love him. I know this is quick, but we’re both old enough to know what we want. You could try being just a little bit happy for me—or is that too much to ask from my friends?”

  “We are happy for you.” Suzanne patted my hand.

  It seemed condescending gesture, so I pulled my hand away and opened a packet of crackers so I wouldn’t seem too rude.

  Abby looked confused. “Why are we fighting? What’s wrong with Jackie getting married?”

  “She didn’t even want to date the guy in August,” Julie replied, still glaring at me across the table. “Now—twelve weeks later—she wants to marry him?”

  “That’s not fair,” I snapped. “It was a blind date. I didn’t know it would be Mark. And we did go out. And we fell in love.”

  “He’s rushing you,” Julie countered, the pit bull part of her personality asserting itself. She had a good hold on the notion that I was doing the wrong thing, and she wasn’t going to let it go. “Guys who lose their wives feel some weird drive to get remarried really fast. I read about it on some website.”

  “Me, too,” Suzanne chimed in. “Oprah said if they had a happy marriage, they dive right back in within a year. But it doesn’t always work as well the second time.”

  “Elaine died more than two years ago,” I said, hoping this topic would drop soon.

  Abby let a heavy sigh hang in the air. “I think it’s romantic. Even if it is awfully fast. You love him, Jackie? Don’t you?”

  I closed my eyes for a moment and massaged my forehead with my fingertips. I knew I should have expected this. They were my friends, and they were obviously looking out for what they thought was in my best interests. Had I been sitting in any of their chairs, I would’ve given all the same advice, pointed out
all the same pitfalls. But I was the one who was being badgered, and my already emotionally overwrought mind couldn’t take much more.

  I sighed. “Look, I appreciate all the concern, but I’m marrying Mark on Christmas Eve. Please stop trying to talk me out of it.” Julie opened her mouth, but I cut her off. “If you’re not going to say something nice, please don’t say anything.” That did it. She was pissed. I was amazed steam wasn’t literally pouring out of her ears. “Julie, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”

  “I’m not running your life, Jackie. I won’t say another word. Not another damn word. Just don’t come crying to me when things go sour.”

  “I appreciate that vote of confidence,” I sarcastically replied. “Think he’ll leave me for a younger woman too?”

  What the hell was wrong with me? Julie and I never fought. We were always on the same team. I loved her like a sister.

  “I think we all need to go to neutral corners for a few minutes.” Suzanne shifted her gaze between Julie and me. “We’re all friends here. Remember?”

  “I’m sorry, Julie,” I said, feeling extraordinarily stupid and more than a little immature.

  She gave me a curt nod that said this was far from over.

  I nodded back and finished my lunch without another word to any of them.

  I didn’t have to wait long for Julie to finish what she’d started. She met me at my classroom door right after last bell.

  I offered the olive branch. “Julie, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to jump down your throat at lunch.”

  “I know. You’re under a lot of stress. Do you want to talk about it now, or are you still in your defensive mode?” She sat down in a student desk and stared up at me.

  “Shields are down right now,” I replied with a soft, nervous chuckle. “You just took me by surprise.” I turned another student desk around and faced my best friend. “I guess I hoped you’d be happy for me.”

  “Oh, Jackie. I am happy for you. But I’m concerned, too. You’ve only known Mark since August. That’s not very long, and... Well, I know you don’t have much self-esteem. I don’t want you marrying Mark if you’re only doing it because you’re grateful for the offer. You know, I could really kill David for doing what he did to you—making you feel like you’re not worth anything.”